Dysfunction comes in many forms.
When we hear the word dysfunction, particularly in the context of families, we often take that to mean a group of people who can not stay in the same room without starting a major argument.
However, even families that seem to be on good terms and spend lots of time together might, in fact, be doing an excellent job of hiding their anger and vitriol.
Indeed, even if they don’t show it, they might be an even more dysfunctional unit than a family who is always screaming at one another.
The sister of Redditor partenzedepartures wanted to host regular family dinners at her recently purchased home.
However, she said she would only host these dinners on one condition.
A condition that put the original poster (OP) in something of a predicament.
Surprised to find no support from the rest of her family, the original poster (OP) felt she was left with no other choice but to skip these family dinners altogether.
Wondering if she was out of line for doing this, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s ‘no kids’ family gatherings because I’m the only one with children?”
The OP explained why she made the decision to skip her sister’s family dinners:
“I’m the only one in my family with kids—two young ones, ages 4 and 6.”
“My siblings don’t have children, and my parents are retired.”
“Recently, my sister moved into a new house and decided she’s hosting family gatherings with a new rule: no kids allowed.”
“She claims her house isn’t ‘kid-proof’ and wants more ‘relaxed’ events.”
“She framed it like she’s doing everyone a favor, but let’s be honest—it’s just my kids, so this rule is clearly aimed at me.”
“It’s hurtful because these are family dinners and holiday get-togethers we’ve always celebrated together as a family.”
“Now suddenly, my kids aren’t welcome?”
“What bothers me most is how this will affect my children.”
“My 6-year-old adores his extended family, and if he finds out he’s being excluded, it would break his heart.”
I’m worried he’ll never get over it.”
“How do I explain to him that he’s not wanted at these family events?”
“It could create a rift between him and the rest of the family.”
“He’s sensitive, and I don’t want him growing up thinking he’s not important.”
“When she told me about her ‘no kids’ rule, I said I wouldn’t attend if my kids weren’t invited.”
“She accused me of overreacting, but if this becomes the norm, what happens for holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas?”
“Am I supposed to leave my kids at home every time?”
“The rest of my family is siding with her, telling me to just ‘go along with it’ and leave the kids at home for a few hours.”
“My parents, who don’t have grandkids from my siblings yet, think it’s no big deal.”
“They’re even pressuring me to cut my sister some slack since she had a tough time buying her house.”
“But where’s the consideration for me and my kids?”
“To top it off, my other sibling, who’s childfree, said, ‘Maybe this is good for you—you could probably use a break’.”
“Great advice from someone who’s never had to juggle parenting while trying to stay connected to family.”
“I feel like I’m being forced to choose between being part of my family or being a parent.”
“AITA for refusing to attend her gatherings and calling her out?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for skipping her sister’s family dinners.
Some felt the OP was justified for being angry, as her sister didn’t seem to take into consideration the difficulties it caused for the OP to leave her children at home, even if some also felt there might be more to the story than the OP was letting on:
“NTA based on your pov.”
“But…as someone who doesn’t have kids, I’ll tell you that saying ‘my house isn’t childproof’ is code for ‘I don’t feel like you control your children’.”
“Maybe talk to mom and see if there’s an issue you’re not noticing with your kids’ behavior away from home.”- BrotherEuhhhh
While a few felt there were no a**holes in this situation, finding the OP was justified in being hurt and annoyed, but her sister had every right to say no children for an event she was hosting in her home. Also wondering if the behavior of the OP’s children had something to do with this.
“Actually, I’m going with NAH here, but listen to my reasoning.”
“When no one of your extended family is even mildly against this, then there is a message here: whatever you’re usually doing with your kids at family gatherings isn’t working for the others.”
“Yes, kids are kids. Kids can be a little much, they’re just happy to see everyone, parenting is hard, etc., etc. We‘ve heard it all.”
“Nobody likes their parenting criticized, but that doesn’t mean every criticism is unfounded.”
“If you can be honest with yourself on that, you might be able to have an open conversation with your relatives about it and reach a different solution that doesn’t exclude the kids in principle.”
“You’re NTA for not leaving your kids alone on major holidays, but if it’s like I feel it is, the others are NTA either.”- emadelosa
Others, however, had trouble sympathizing with the OP. Many felt she was jumping to conclusions by wondering if she couldn’t bring her kids to major holidays and that if the OP’s whole family took her sister’s side, it must have been reflective of either the behavior of the OP’s children or even possibly her parenting:
“YTA because you’re jumping to conclusions.”
“Nowhere did your sister say she would try to exclude your kids from holidays.”
“‘My 6-year-old adores his extended family, and if he finds out he’s being excluded, it would break his heart. I’m worried he’ll never get over it’.”
“If this is any indication of how you interact with your sister, I completely understand why she wants a break from the kids ALWAYS being around.”
“I promise you your child will not be traumatized by your sister occasionally hosting adults-only events.”
“Everyone’s world does not revolve around your kids.”
“It is perfectly understandable for your sister to occasionally want to host adults-only events, especially in her own home.”
“‘What happens for holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas? Am I supposed to leave my kids at home every time?'”
“You’re jumping so far to conclusions.”
“There is a huge difference between your sister hosting an adults-only dinner in her own home vs her excluding your kids from the family Christmas.”
“Nowhere did you say your sister indicated she would try to do that, so you’re a huge AH for trying to use whataboutisms to get your way and pressuring your sister into changing her house rules.”- Entire_Preference_69
“YTA.”
“My house isn’t childproof means your kids don’t behave.”- bewicked4fun123
“YTA.”
“Only because this isn’t a holiday.”
“Your kids are the center of your world, but they aren’t the center of everyone else’s world.”
“Your sister is entitled to host a kid-free gathering.”
“If she and your family endorse excluding your kids for holiday gatherings, they are a**holes.”
“But not for having a gathering on a random night that excludes your kids.”
“The only way your child would know he is excluded is if you tell him.”
“So you would tell him and create hurt feelings towards your family?”
“He is important but so is your family and their feelings.”
“Raising your kid to believe everything is about him and his feelings won’t do him any favors.”
“Weaponizing your children in order to manipulate your family into doing what you want makes you a huge a**hole.”- Maleficent-Ice3200
“YTA.”
“The fact the whole family is siding with your sister, even the grandparents, to me, screams that your children are poorly behaved.”
“I understand why you won’t attend if you can bring your children, but I think you need to figure out why the kids can’t come.”
“I’d have an honest convo with my mom about this.”- Additional_Day949
It’s understandable for the OP to feel offended by her sister telling her that her children weren’t welcome in her home. And that her sister doesn’t consider that this would require the OP to spend extra money on finding a babysitter.
Especially for a family gathering.
However, it’s hard not to wonder if those who assume this is owing to her children’s behavior might be correct, based on the almost complete lack of support the OP received from her family.
Regardless, it seems that the OP and her sister need to clear the air and get to the bottom of this issue.