Content Warning: Child-free, Reproductive Coercion, Toxic Families and Relationships, “Baby Trapping,” Sabotaged Birth Control
Once parents have adult children who begin to marry or settle in with life partners, it’s common for them to start getting excited about the possibility of having grandchildren.
But as exciting as this is, they should understand it’s a possibility and not a binding contract, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Few_Function_9129 was firmly child-free and was prepared to pursue advanced birth control to make sure she remained child-free, though she and her husband were only using condoms for now.
But when her mother-in-law started making jokes about sabotaging their birth control, namely by “poking holes” in their condoms, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t feel safe around her mother-in-law (MIL) anymore.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for cutting off my mother-in-law (MIL) after she made a joke about poking holes in our condoms?”
The OP was firmly child-free and wanted to stay that way.
“I (38 Female) have been together with my husband, James, for four years.”
“We are both child-free and do not intend to have kids in the future.”
“When we first got married, we both told our family about how we didn’t want to have kids and why.”
But the OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) never made peace with that decision.
“My family was fine with it, but his family wasn’t, especially my MIL, Mary.”
“She’s either passive-aggressive or just tells us we’ll change our mind soon. For example, she’s always telling us, ‘I can’t wait to be a grandma,’ despite us not wanting children.”
“If we try to say otherwise, she just pretends not to hear us.”
“I’ve been very uncomfortable with this, and I have told my husband multiple times, but he’s just brushed it off by saying she’ll accept it someday.”
“I’ve also offered to my husband multiple times to get my tubes tied, to get a different procedure, or to get birth control implants, but he always told me that he wasn’t ready for me to do that, so I didn’t do it to show my respect for him.”
Then the OP’s MIL took her comments too far.
“However, it reached a limit. Recently, James was hosting a dinner party and invited his family as well as mine.”
“While we were eating, my MIL ‘jokingly’ said, ‘You know OP, I’ve considered poking holes into you and Jame’s condoms so I could be a grandma. It’s so smart, and you’d never know!'”
“Before laughing. I was horrified. After that, I excused myself and left the house.”
The OP became suspicious of who her husband was loyal to, as well.
“James followed after me, saying I was being dramatic and it was a joke.”
“I told him that it wasn’t a joke and what would happen if she actually did it?”
“We kept arguing for a bit before he stormed back into the house, and I drove off in my car.”
“I’ve blocked my MIL on all social media and deleted her number.”
“The whole family is furious at me now, calling me sensitive and paranoid.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were alarmed on the OP’s behalf that her mother-in-law (MIL) was not joking.
“She said this in front of everyone at dinner? No, no, no, no, no. NTA.” – Hemenucha
“This isn’t just ‘no, no, no,’ it’s a buttload of red flags.”
“The a**hole apple didn’t fall far from the a-hole tree. Four years of not supporting OP by standing up to his mom, setting clear boundaries, and enforcing them?”
“And this last time, instead of ripping his mom a new one, James calls OP dramatic and dismisses it as a joke.”
“OP, you’re the only one in this marriage who doesn’t want kids. The spineless mama’s boy you married is falling in line with mommy’s wishes and playing the slow game with you.” – PrideofCapetown
“NTA. That ‘joke’ is way over the line. Sabotaging birth control isn’t funny; it’s a violation of your boundaries and your choice.”
“Blocking her after that kind of comment is completely reasonable, especially since she’s been disregarding your decision to be childfree.”
“This isn’t sensitivity. It’s setting a necessary boundary.” – LustN_Whispers
“MIL’s comments, including the one about the condoms, have ALL been way over the line and squarely in the ‘none of your business’ category.”
“Your husband should have handled this with his mother quite a while ago. Now he has no choice.”
“Tell your husband the reason you have gone to the lengths you have gone, leaving the dinner, blocking his mother on social media, and deleting her, are all because he is failing to safeguard you from her. This is his responsibility because it is his mother.”
“He needs to stop brushing it off. He needs to go see her face to face and say, ‘Mom, you are hurting ME when you press us for grandkids. We are not having children. That’s my final decision. You need to stop mentioning it to either one of us. By mentioning it at dinner, you crossed a line and you need to apologize, then never speak of us having kids in front of us again.'”
“If he won’t do that, he is not the partner you deserve.” – LakeGlen4287
“If you really, truly think she’ll get into your condoms? Put a fake box of condoms that you will never, ever, ever open in your nightstand.”
“Do this after you have VERY CAREFULLY, and OUTSIDE, tipped in some crystal violet powder (aka Prussian Blue, aka Gentian Violet) powder. This will stain everything a very brilliant very rich very unwashable purple once it comes into contact with moisture. Like that on human hands. Very, very unwashable.”
“It is extremely easy to remove with ethanol. Practically rinses it off your hands and clothing! Just have plenty on hand. But she won’t know that trick. ONLY do this if you are actually concerned and not just upset at her.”
“And OP? If you are truly worried, look into non-reversible forms of birth control and talk to your doctor. There are more options every year.” – maroongrad
Others said that the OP’s husband needed to demonstrate that he was on her side.
“I’d very much worry based on his blasé attitude that OP is the the only one committed to the ‘no kids’ pact. I’d get on a form of birth control that is administered solely by me while also using condoms.” – Amazing_Cabinet1404
“OP needs to convince her MIL’s dear sweet boy to get a vasectomy. Wouldn’t that make her angry?”
“Her son couldn’t father children anymore even if OP could still have a child if she chose. That will be enough to put her in her place permanently.” – Grandmapatty64
“That’s a no sex till vasectomy kind of situation. If he hadn’t defended the ‘the joke, I’d say just replace the condoms, but the fact that he defended the joke? Nope, that’s a much bigger problem.” – LimitlessMegan
“I’d test him by saying I think he should get a vasectomy. If he refuses, then I’d be checking if he’s really child-free or he’s changed his mind or always wanted kids but hoped she’d change her mind.” – sikonat
“OP, if you and your husband are certain you don’t want kids, one of you needs to take steps (and all the ‘follow-up’ checks) to ensure you cannot produce children. Your boundary-stomping MIL wasn’t joking, and it sounds like your husband is unwilling to deal with her firmly (going low contact or no contact).”
“The only way I’d be able to handle being around her would be if I knew her mindset was pointless and I knew I didn’t have to worry that she’d microwaved or perforated my birth control. And, of course, telling MIL that no babies are biologically possible should get her to stop the madness.”
“I’m not too impressed with your husband’s rxn to his mom being awful, however…” – EnvironmentOk5610
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an unfortunate update in a second post.
“So after everything that happened, last night I had a talk with my husband about how I want him to take a deeper step into his commitment of being childfree. I’ve also told him unless he gets a vasectomy or similar procedure, I will not be having sex with him.”
“I want him to do this to prove he can stand up to his mother and that he is just as child-free as I am, but honestly I’ve doubted that after posting the first story (not in a rude way, of course).”
“My husband told me that still, he wasn’t ready yet and that I was moving too fast.”
“He also said that by asking him to ‘stand’ up to his mother, I was basically asking him to disrespect her for my sake.”
What the OP’s husband admitted to next shocked her.
“So then, I just asked him if he wanted kids or not, and to stop beating around the bush because I would divorce him and disappear like the wind if he didn’t.”
“That finally got him to open his mouth, and he told me that he did want kids and was just secretly hoping for a either an accidental pregnancy or for me to change my mind, like how most of you guys in the comments predicted.”
“But what shocked me is that he told me that he was already considering tampering with our birth control (condoms) before, but he just hadn’t found it in him to do it yet.”
“So now, it makes sense why he only wanted to use condoms for our birth control… He wanted something he could potentially sabotage.”
That was the ultimate dealbreaker for the OP.
“After that, I simply said that, as of now, this marriage is over, and I will file a divorce as fast as possible. And, I made sure to tell him that whatever possible child I could’ve had would never be in his grasp to see him, especially my MIL.”
“He tried to protest, but I was firm on leaving.”
“Honestly, he was pretty much planning to babytrap me. Nice try, but not here, honey.”
“As of now, I’m currently staying at my sister’s house. Soon, I’m going to try to find a lawyer for a divorce. But I do know that I can’t ever go back in that house with him in it, or my MIL. This entire event has left me very shaken and worried.”
The subReddit was alarmed on the OP’s behalf for how she’d been treated by her mother-in-law and how little support she had received from her husband about something so invasive.
It’s common for parents to be excited about potential grandbabies, but sabotaging someone else’s wishes and birth control plans is so far beyond not okay.