Balancing your relationship with your significant other and your own career or other personal goals or hobbies is a continuous effort that people still question.
But Redditor goell_ had an issue with her boyfriend’s family when her job might not give her a specific time off. If the original poster (OP) had to choose between this family event and her job, she’ll pick her job and that was an issue for her boyfriend’s mother.
To find out if she made the wrong choice, she took her query to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
“AITA for not wanting to quit my job for a wedding?”
This was what was going on:
“My boyfriend (23M) and I (23F) have been together for almost 2 years, things are very serious between us. I’m not as close with his family as he is with mine, in part because his mom has MS so with COVID we haven’t seen her regularly for the bulk of our relationship.”
“He is very close with her, but I feel as though I haven’t had the opportunity to develop much of a relationship with her yet.”
“Me and bf work at the same restaurant. He works there part time on weekends, and has a 9-5 during the week. Ive been working there full time for 3 years.”
“I don’t plan on waiting tables forever, but for where I’m at in my life this job is great. At the job, summer gets crazy busy. We double the staff with seasonal employees bc we have a huge deck on the water.”
“There are a few weekends request offs are not allowed such as July 4th and Father’s Day.”
“I have met bf’s extended family twice, for a small gathering on Thanksgiving and another on Easter. On thanksgiving his cousin told us that she and her fiancé were getting married on June 19th.”
“I congratulated them, made a mental note, but didn’t realize that this was Father’s Day weekend. Fast forward to Easter, bf’s mom asks if we are planning on going.”
This was where a lot of the issues arose.
“We were both like ‘sh**’ as we know the job will likely not let us both have off that Saturday. When I voiced this concern, bf’s mom jumped down my throat and said something along the lines of ‘this is a once in a lifetime event, you can quit your job but you’ll never get the chance to go to cousins wedding again’”
“I didn’t wanna argue so I kind of left it at that but didn’t give anyone a definite answer. I spoke with my boss about it, she was understanding and she said she would do what she could to give us off but couldn’t guarantee anything.”
“It wasn’t a hard no, but they’re short staffed already so it doesn’t look good.”
“Tonight bf’s mom got the wedding invitation for all 3 of us, texted us and asked whether we got off or not. Our schedules are released a week before the work week, so who knows.”
“Bf immediately responded saying he’d be there, and I said I was unsure, due to the above reasons.”
“Mom responded ‘it’s crazy that you have to do it that way. They should understand you’re a couple and it’s a family wedding. Tell them oh well you guys worked your butt off for them for years now. You have been devoted to them so let them take care of you guys for a change ..’”
“Bf doesn’t care about the job and has said if they don’t give him off he’ll quit. I don’t want to quit. I will offer to pay my coworkers to cover my shift, but i don’t know if that will work.”
“On the other hand, it is clearly very important to bf and his family that I be there. He would not fight with me if I chose the job, he’s not that kind of guy. He gets it.”
“But, I feel like he would be hurt, and it would suck to go without a date, and his mom would clearly not get it and have ill feelings toward me. I’m so conflicted.”
On the AITA board, people are judged for what they do. They tell the story as best they can and commenters tell them if they were The A**hole (TA).
This is done with one of the following acronyms:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The subReddit agreed that it was unreasonable for OP to quit her job for a wedding, even if it was for her boyfriend’s family. BF’s mom was being unreasonable in expecting OP to be able to get the time off with how busy her job can get.
The board voted OP was NTA.
“NTA. BF’s mother is being extremely selfish here. It’s ridiculous to expect someone to abandon their livelihood to attend an event that was, in all honesty, scheduled badly.” – DukeMaximum
“I feel like it may be more sheltered or old fashioned.”
“Like her response here:”
‘-it’s crazy that you have to do it that way. They should understand you’re a couple and it’s a family wedding. Tell them oh well you guys worked your butt off for them for years now. You have been devoted to them so let them take care of you guys for a change-’
“Makes me think she just hasn’t worked a menial job in the past couple of decades, and doesn’t know quite how fucky getting leave is in them and how little they actually care about their employees.” – airz23s_coffee
“Unless your BF’s mom is willing to pay for your expenses until you get a new job, she’s risking your livelihood for a wedding to a family member that you barely interact with.”
“In other words job>>>>wedding.” – Kitsumekat
“NTA- He is a partimer plus he has a day job. Quitting this job is nothing to him.”
“This is your full time job, there is no equivalency here. who booked a wedding on Father’s Day? Sorry, if you can’t go, you can’t go.”
“Send them your regard and have your BF go alone. His mother will have to deal with it.” – KohKae41
Other commenters were more horrified that the idea of quitting her job was even an option. While OP and her BF are serious in their relationship, it’s hard to say what might happen. If she quits her job for this wedding and they breakup, it will have all been for nothing.
A lot of comments thought it was a bad idea.
“Yeah but here is the kicker for OP: Her only connection to the mom/that family is thru her BF and if they end up breaking up for some reason after she quits her job because of this:”
“She will be jobless for nothing, like not even the benefit of getting to know possible future family, just nothing.”
“It’s never a good idea to quit a job because of ‘family or partner chosen obligations’ because it sets you up for being moneyless/defenseless and dependent on them or someone else.”
“Quick set up for a toxic and manipulative/controlling relationship, if not with her BF at least with his mom and his family.”
“IF OP happens to get her shift covered for the wedding, she better be prepared to deal with the linger resentment of not automatically dropping her job to go.”
“The mom seems like that type of person imo. Just because someone has a disability or illness like MS doesn’t automatically mean they aren’t a shitty person.” – TheoryAddict
“NTA. Did your boyfriend and his mother notice there’s been a pandemic going around? And that restaurant industry has been particularly heavily hit?”
“Restaurant jobs, especially full-time ones, don’t exactly grow on trees right now and wedding won’t pay the bills” – ManulCat123
“NTA. A cousin’s wedding? Unless each guest receives $50,000 as a party favor, I’d choose the steady employment.” – gorgonstaringcontest
It seems people agree that OP shouldn’t quit her job to attend this wedding, but it doesn’t help with how to deal with BF’s mom. There’s even a fear that if OP is lucky and gets the time off, mom will be mad anyway that OP didn’t seem down to quit if necessary.
It’s a difficult situation and may require a discussion with mom by her son and OP to address expectations.