The dinner menu can be a divisive topic for big holidays like Turkey Day.
Between allergies, certain palatable tastes, and dietary restrictions it’s a wonder why people don’t just do a potluck.
Clashing over what will be served has become a new pastime for many families.
As newer generations take over the reins from the grandparents, takeout menus get a lot more mileage than they used to.
Redditor Suspicious-Basil7882 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to cook a vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Background: I (31 F[emale]) and my brother Mark (35 M[ale]) do not get along.”
“When he was a teen he saw a documentary on factory farming and decided to become a vegetarian.”
“He got very, very annoying about it quickly, but my dad shut him down when he started trying to get the rest of us to be vegetarian with him.”
“Then he went to college, made a bunch of very strange friends, and went militantly vegan.”
“It’s his entire personality.”
“I stopped talking to him after he threw a fit about one of my birthday dinners being at a steakhouse and spammed my messages with pictures of abused cows.”
“My parents have been trying to repair the situation and for a while, it did seem like Mark was getting better so I’ve been letting him back into contact gradually.”
“Then he started dating Pam, who is some kind of vegan influencer.”
“She is apparently moderately popular online, but I have no idea what she does exactly.”
“I don’t know if Mark was trying to impress her or what, but last Thanksgiving he insisted that mom cook at least a vegetarian meal or they wouldn’t come on ‘ethical grounds.'”
“My mom just wanted everyone to get along on her favorite holiday, so she agreed.”
“It was not a fun meal.”
“This year, my parents have downsized for retirement, and my mom is having health problems.”
“I bought their house when they moved, so my mom asked me to host Thanksgiving so it would be like usual.”
“I told everyone in the group chat so Mark and Pam could make travel arrangements. Pam immediately started gushing about all the vegan replacement recipes she could give me to replace the traditional ones.”
“I said to send me a main dish recipe they like, and I would give it a shot, but I’m making the traditional meal otherwise, and there should still be plenty of things they can eat.”
“Mark and Pam have been arguing about this with me for days, and then Mark said that if I didn’t make a meat-free meal, they wouldn’t come.”
“This upset my mom, who asked me just to make what she made last year to keep the peace, but I told her that Mark needs to get over himself, and I’m not coddling him.”
“I’m having turkey on Thanksgiving.”
“My dad privately agrees with me, but Mark’s threatening not to come is upsetting my mom so much that he’s worried it will impact her health.”
“There’s a not big, but also not zero chance that these might be some of the last family holidays we have with her.”
“My mom thinks I’m putting turkey over my own family, and I’m not so sure anymore.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA – You’re not putting turkey over family—Mark is putting tofurkey over family.”
“You’ve reasonably accommodated enough with a vegan option.”
“Mark doesn’t get to hold holidays hostage because of his own dietary choices.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“If Mark wants to pitch a fit, that’s him.”
“I feel very sorry for your mom, she’s the one suffering most here.”
“But she needs to realize that Mark is the one causing this family divide, and it isn’t fair to everyone else to cater to his demands.” ~ CrimsonKnight_004
“I came to make these exact points!”
“I’m glad OP wants to be strong and hold their ground, as they should!”
“But it makes me violently frustrated that Mom would accept Mark’s childish behavior, and then attempt to bully the rest of the family?!?!”
“Is mom’s health issue that her backbone was removed?!”
“I would NEVER let one of my kids act like that.”
“My family is a mixture of people on Keto, lactose intolerant, gluten-free, etc, and we all work TOGETHER to make sure everyone has options, including bringing what they want.”
“There’s always PLENTY of food, but it’s more about being together for us.”
“This is crazy.” ~ PurpleFunkyBoss
“LOL. My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] cited various allergies and health issues (guess what? None of them actually real) and expected us to cook a Christmas meal for 24 people catering for those requirements.”
“No fat. No salt. No sugar. No gluten. No dairy. No carrots, onions, garlic, celery, herbs.”
“OP, NTA. Special occasions are about spending time with loved ones, vegan options alongside the normal menu are sufficient.” ~ cynical-mage
“Exactly. It is completely unreasonable for them to demand that the entire meal is vegan to cater to them.”
“You offered to try making a main dish for her, and of course, there are usually lots of veggies and other stuff that don’t have meat in them. That is plenty.”
“I really hate it when people try to force their militant lifestyle on everyone else.”
“You’re vegan? Great! Good for you!”
“Now I have to be a vegan?! Hell no! “
“They are just as bad as all those evangelicals trying to force their religion down everyone else’s throats. It’s annoying.”
“And believe me, I speak from experience as I used to be one (an evangelical). NTA.” ~ alycewandering7
“I have found (only from personal experiences) that vegetarians are remarkably chill about other’s eating habits.”
“Also generally pretty adventurous, trying other cultural cuisines.”
“Vegans… not so much.”
“And not as tolerant of other’s practices.”
“One factor – the newer someone is to Vegan, the more extreme and intolerant they tend to be.”
“OP should insist that next time, her brother and his G[irl]F[riend] should host.”
“I don’t think they’d like that one little bit… OP is NTA.” ~ Critical-Wear5802
“This is so much.”
“‘Mark doesn’t get to hold holidays hostage because of his dietary choices.'”
“There’s going to be vegan options and that’s the most accommodating anyone should be expected to do.”
“He browbeat his own mother last year until she caved and he’s upset his sister cannot be as easily abused into submission.”
“NTA OP.”
“Tell your brother there will be a small vegan main dish and some vegan-friendly sides so he’s welcome to come and enjoy the holiday peacefully with his family.”
“But if he’s just going to bring drama and cause trouble, he and his girlfriend can stay home because you are trying to be cordial.”
“If he comes under the guise of a peaceful family holiday but tries to start trouble his invitation will be rescinded and he’ll be escorted out of your house.” ~ Sweetsmyle
“NTA. You’ve even offered to cook them a vegan main dish, which is pretty above and beyond (I think most people would just tell them to bring their own food).”
“Seems like they are taking the position that not only are they vegan, but they are essentially forcing it on everyone else by refusing to come, which is ridiculous.”
“If your mom is getting upset, it’s because of Mark’s actions, not yours… it’s not fair for everyone else to have to comply with his demands.”
“If he actually cares about your mom, he would put her feelings first.” ~ Tdluxon
“My aunt was vegan, she brought her own meals to family gatherings.”
“Why can’t they do the same? NTA.” ~ JadieBugXD
“NTA, you’ve given them a vegan option, you shouldn’t have to change what you eat because they don’t like it.”
“They could always bring their own.” ~ Maisie_M00
“NTA. People like Mark and Pam are why negative stereotypes about vegans exist.”
“There are plenty of normal vegans who don’t make it their mission to force it down everyone else’s throats but then you run into people like these and they just try to ruin everything for everyone.” ~Major_Friendship4900
“NTA. You offered a main dish replacement, and last I checked, outside of gravy, most of the rest of the meal was veggies of some sort.”
“It is his choice to be excluded, not yours.” ~ ZT99k
“NTA. I’m a very strict vegan and this is an unreasonable request.”
“I think it’s great you’re willing to make them a separate main course.”
“I bring my own food for Thanksgiving already cooked and reheated in the oven.” ~ cespirit
“You’re not in the wrong.”
“If they want it so badly they can make it and bring it for themselves!” ~ Exact-Area-2243
OP came back with some Updates…
“Whoa, this blew up.”
“So the answers to some common questions..”
“As I said, I’ve already offered to make sure there is a main dish and sides they can eat.”
“Mark and Pam will not show up if anyone else eats meat at this meal.”
“If any meat is served to anyone, they won’t come.”
“Doing multiple meals that day or across multiple days is a no-go.”
“I’m a newly minted critical care physician at an understaffed hospital during a major holiday week and I will have a limited window of time between shifts.”
“I have time for one gathering and I would rather not waste it on a miserable one like last year.”
“Mark and Pam can’t host because they live in a van at present.”
“I’m also not willing to have them in my kitchen for hours bi**hing about the meat in my fridge, the cookware and utensils, and whatever else they can find to complain about.”
“The time it would take for them to come to eat, socialize for a couple of hours, and leave is the maximum amount I’m willing to let them be in my home.”
“Although it would admittedly be interesting to watch them try to host a family Thanksgiving out of a van.”
“It is very unlikely that my mom is going to die anytime soon.”
“It’s just a non-zero chance, she’s understandably worried about it, and is in the pessimism stage of grieving her health.”
“She has a good prognosis and most people with her condition pull through and live for a long time afterward.”
“If it is by some chance the last Thanksgiving, I don’t think a repeat of last year’s Thanksgiving would do her any good either as everyone left that table unsatisfied and unhappy.”
“So, a possible situation to this that I came up with while talking to my partner is to just work through Thanksgiving instead.”
“The attending on shift that day would probably be happy to stay home, so swapping wouldn’t be hard.”
“Mom would be sad about canceling, but she knows my job is demanding and saves lives so she won’t be upset.”
“Mark and Pam can kick rocks.”
“To be honest, eating hospital turkey between emergencies sounds better than a family Thanksgiving right now.”
“I’ll have to turn it over some more.”
This is a tricky situation, OP.
Reddit is with you, though.
People don’t get to impose their beliefs on others.
You’re making a statement by sticking to your guns.
Maybe they’ll get over themselves in time.
Good luck and Happy Holidays!