We all know that family members should have boundaries, such as the kind of relationships that we have with one another.
But every once in a while, there will still be someone who looks inappropriately at a sibling-in-law or cousin-in-law, judged the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, making it awkward for everyone.
Redditor JennnyAnnyDots was on her first family trip since her sister got married, and she was soon made uncomfortable by how much her brother-in-law stared at her.
But when the newlyweds tried to make her the problem and told her to cover up so that he wouldn’t stare, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not agreeing to sleep in a bra?”
The OP recently went on a family trip for the first time since her sister got married.
“I (22 Female) recently went on a small family trip to celebrate my dad’s early retirement.”
“A family friend let us borrow their lake house but sleeping arrangements meant that I had to share a room with my sister (24 Female) and her husband (30 Male) in a room with two beds.”
“They’re newlyweds who married quickly so this is his first time going on a trip with us.”
The OP was surprised when her sister confronted her about her appearance.
“I really didn’t think it was going to be an issue because, with the whole lake available to us, we wouldn’t be spending much time in the rooms.”
“The first night, there was no problem. The second night, my sister pulled me aside right before I went to get ready for bed and asked me to change what I was sleeping in because her husband was uncomfortable.”
“For context (this might be TMI and I am sorry), I am not a flat-chested woman. It is quite literally the most annoying thing about my life, and I am not sorry that I do not sleep in a bra! That being said, it wasn’t like I was sleeping in lingerie. It was just a big t-shirt, but because of how I’m built, you could still tell I was bra-less.”
“I’ve never thought it was a big deal but her husband is rather conservative (in like, all senses of the word).”
The OP tried to politely refuse.
“I politely told my sister no because the only things I brought were A.) swimsuits, which would be even worse; B.) a tight compression sports bra for beach volleyball, which I don’t think is even medically advisable to sleep in; and C.) a sweatshirt, which I guess would disguise it more, but it was hot and I didn’t want to wear it.”
“She pressed me again, and I said no again, pointing out that her husband slept shirtless.”
“I don’t actually care, but it seemed hypocritical to me, so I said that if I am asked to find a way to cover up more (DESPITE WEARING A SHIRT), he should, too.”
“She got mad at me and said I was being ridiculous and staring at her husband (god, no, I would never) and kept raising a stink.”
The rest of the family blamed the OP, as well.
“Then she tried to involve the rest of my family, saying it was a simple request and I must be trying to tempt her husband.”
“I (loudly) fired back that this wouldn’t be a problem if her husband wasn’t staring at my chest, which prompted my parents to have me sleep on the couch in the living room the rest of the trip.”
“I also made it a point for the rest of the trip to loudly call her husband out if he was looking too long at my chest in my swimsuit (which happened a couple of times before he learned his lesson).”
“I didn’t think I overreacted (I might’ve gotten a bit heated, but it was in line with my sister), but my family has kinda blamed me for ruining my dad’s celebration by not letting it go, and I can’t help but feel guilty.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some theorized that there were issues going on with the brother-in-law as well as the sister.
“You said he kept staring and you’d call him out until he learned better. If he was so offended by your chest, he wouldn’t be staring. He’d send her to make you cover up or ask himself, or even make passive-aggressive comments about you/your state of dress. He wouldn’t just be staring at you.”
“It sounds to me like she caught him staring and is upset at her husband’s wandering eye and like any conservative, is blaming you for his behavior, and therefore, it’s you who needs to change.”
“Insecure or not, she never had a husband with wandering eyes before, so that’ll be why she’s never said anything about it until now. She (maybe) wasn’t jealous until she found her man more interested in staring at you than her.”
“But the wildest thing to me is they made you sleep on the couch. Buddy boy’s the one with the issue, so kick his a** out to the living room if he’s so uncomfortable with clothed breasts. If anything, you should be the one that’s angry, not ask if you’re the a**.”
“They both basically sexually harassed and body shamed you and then you were punished by being made to sleep on the couch all while he continued to ogle you. As a fellow big tiddie biddie, I’d be f**king furious.” – moon_vixen
“Okay, let’s say he’s conservative. Then f**king stop looking at her bewbs, right. Make eye contact. Look at the ceiling or floor or your wife when talking with SIL.”
“As a guy, I’ll tell you this, it’s very plausible that he used the excuse because he got caught staring.”
“I’ll give you another perspective. It may not be her sister’s insecurity but that she’s perhaps annoyed/disgusted/bothered/uncomfortable by her husband’s constant peeking. Nothing to do with insecurity. He’s staring.” – Supra-A90
“Why in God’s name would your sister and BIL agree to share a room with you when they know full well that they are prissy perv**ts who stare at their family’s chests? If they are this hung up and weird, they should know they need privacy. Did they not realize ahead of time that you had tits?”
“Also, if he’s conservative, read him that Bible verse about how it’s HIS responsibility to pluck out his own eyes if he’s having trouble controlling himself.” – wombatIsAngry
“It was the sister with the problem. Not the OP.”
“People don’t make a huge stink on behalf of someone else. ‘Welp, I tried talking to her for you.’ He was loving it. He was checking her out in her swimsuit. Sister noticed him checking her out and got jealous.”
“The sister was the one with the problem with it.”
“And didn’t want to blame her new husband for his own wandering eyes.”
“‘Making him uncomfortable.’ Yeah, in his pants.” – Omnimpotent
“Is this a pattern in your family? A man says that he’s uncomfortable about something that literally doesn’t concern him at all, and everyone else just… starts buzzing around like panicked bees?”
“This is, frankly, disgusting. Sleep in a bra? Even people who are relatively small-chested can’t wait to get out of their bras already at the end of the workday. It’s not comfortable sleepwear.”
“He can pluck his wandering eyes out. There’s nothing provocative about wearing a sloppy night shirt when sleeping.”
“My guess? Your sister is in a shitty marriage and she knows it.” – decadecency
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“I would like to start this post with the good things: Thank you to everyone who helped. I wasn’t feeling much support from my family and was beginning to think that I irrevocably ruined the vacation just because of my (admittedly short) temper and reactions.”
“It was nice to read the people who were saying they were proud of me for sticking up for myself and the solidarity amongst women with bodies like mine.”
“Sometimes when something happens to you, it can feel like you are the first and only person in the world who has had it happen. It’s always comforting to know it is not.”
Then the OP shared a difficult update.
“After reading through as many comments as I could, I decided to go low contact with my sister and her husband. I let my sister know that I was going low contact but made sure she knew that if she ever needed a place to stay the night, it would be offered, no questions asked.”
“Many of you pointed out that the way my parents handled this was less than stellar. They have always been like this, in the sense that they will take whatever option means we can just keep going on with whatever we were doing.”
“Sometimes this has been in favor of me, sometimes in favor of my sister, though after the comments, I have realized it is more often in favor of my sister (though they have said this is because I’m usually the one creating conflict).”
“Yesterday, I called my parents and had a long talk about this. I told them that I am an adult now and as such, I have the ability to make choices such as not coming to family events. If we aren’t able to actually talk about things, I’m not sure I will want to keep coming back.”
“I felt bad, like I was holding my attendance at family events hostage, but it was a productive conversation. Remains to be seen what will change, if anything, but I’m glad we talked.”
Fellow Redditors applauded the OP for standing up for herself.
“As a sister to someone, if I found my significant other had been sexualizing my sister, I would send them to the couch, not my sister. Like what the f**k, he doesn’t have any reason to look at my own family (now his family too) like that.”
“I am so sorry that you got that type of attention, I can understand that type of harassment, of being reduced to just a part of our body that we didn’t decide to have.” – ImaginaryDimension36
“Your body, your choice, flat-chested or not, you should wear what you want when asleep, or any time. You are sleeping for comfort.”
“I sleep in my birthday suit at home and when on holiday/staying at a hotel will wear pajamas.”
“Your sister and brother-in-law are the ones with the problem. I’m glad to see you offered shelter for your sister if it turns out she needed to escape her husband.”
“I’m sorry your family didn’t have your back on this. Best wishes to you.” – Babaychumaylalji
“Just wanted to say that I’m super proud of you! I’m sorry that you had to see the trolls, but that’s the Internet for you.”
“It sounds like your parents are ‘people pleasers’ and/or ‘don’t rock the boat’ people. That makes me as sad for them as it does for you (and your sister, to be honest).”
“So I guess you get to break the cycle. Just make sure to carry this lesson into the rest of your life. You can be kind and accommodating without being a doormat!”
“Again, so proud of you! Well done!” – Ladygytha
“Your parents supported you being more put out because he couldn’t help but stare at you sexually?”
“What sort of sick f**ks are your parents? What sort of father would support a man ogling his daughter? Your dad failed you and any ruining of his event if his own fault with the help of your perverted mom and sister.”
“NTA… show them this post later and see what they say.” – Odd_Welcome7940
“God! At 60+ years old, I’m so sick of still hearing that women are being asked to monitor their clothing and their behavior because some id**tic anchild can’t behave appropriately.”
“I don’t swear much but f**k that!”
“You did the right thing, OP. I’m proud of you!” – dekage555
The subReddit was grossed out by how the OP was treated and infuriated when she had to sleep on the couch and her family sided against her.
If the OP was such a “distraction,” it was clear that the newly married couple had some things to work out instead of the OP having to cover up more for them.