Having nieces and nephews is like being a parent but only having to experience the good parts.
You know... you get to have all the fun but don't have to deal with the strict discipline, and when you're exhausted, you can give them back to your siblings.
Whatever the case, though, you love them unconditionally, and it's tough when you have to see them in pain or unhappy for any reason.
So it's no wonder that a woman on Reddit was upset after her niece fractured her arm.
She also, however, shamed her sister-in-law, who is a surgeon, for not reacting compassionately to her own daughter's injury, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor UnlikelyPea4329 asked:
"AITA for yelling at my sister in law for ignoring my niece's health complaints?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (29/F[emale]) am the proud aunt of two amazing kids, Chloe (7 y/o) and Harry (8 y/o)."
"I get along really well with the both of them and their parents."
"(My sister Amber (37/F[emale]) and her wife Kate (38/F[emale])) ask me to babysit them sometimes."
"We have a special bond."
"The other day, the kids Amber and I went out to the park."
"Kate wasn't there because she is a general surgeon, and her work-life balance is nonexistent at this point."
"Kids were playing together in this playground area and Amber and I else were sitting together having a chat."
"We heard a scream and rushed to the kids."
"It turns out Chloe fell and was crying, holding her arm."
"We both freaked out."
"Together, Amber and I took Chloe to the hospital where Kate works."
"They took an x-ray of Chloe's arm and everything."
"After Amber trying multiple times and finally reaching Kate, she came down to the ER."
"She took a look at the X-ray, talked to the ER doctor, and without letting even the slightest bit of emotion or compassion toward her crying daughter and wife, said it was just a small fracture, that it didn't extend to the joint and would be okay in a few weeks' time with just casting."
"The only compassionate thing she did was holding Amber when they got Chloe's little arm into a cast."
"I got really mad at Kate and said she was downplaying her daughter's broken arm and acting as if nothing was wrong!"
"She simply said kids get injuries like this a lot, and there was nothing extraordinary going on here."
"I may be TA here because I called her an ice-cold insensitive mother."
"Amber got so mad she practically kicked me out of the ER and said she'd go back home with Kate and the kids herself."
"She said I'd better apologize to Kate before coming over to their house again."
"So was I TA for expecting a more human reaction?"
"Should I apologize?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole.
"YTA"
"to paraphrase Obi Wan Kenobi, your feelings do you credit, but you were out of line."
"One thing you didn't say about Kate was that she was a robot."
"Meaning that you didn't complain that Kate was never emotional or never expressed love or affection to her kids."
"You did say she was busy as hell, but no other complaints about her parenting."
"Well. She's a surgeon. At work."
"Surgeons... at times, have to have guard up, and/or be eminently practical."
"Person has medical condition x, here's how we treat it."
"Plus she's at work, she's mentally reviewing a procedure she's going to be doing later in the day, or mentally reviewing a procedure she's already done, or half a dozen other things that they're juggling at a time."
"That she made time to come down during her work to see her daughter is a pretty big deal."
"From her perspective, her daughter was barely hurt, in the sense there would be no permanent damage, no long-term therapies needed, no surgery."
"Cast and done."
"This is not to say she was the perfect mom, but she is a surgeon in work mode."
"HEr daughter was otherwise fine."
"And who is to say what Kate was like after work when she had a moment to disengage from work mode and be a mother again."
"get off your high horse and apologize." - SoImaRedditUserNow
"YTA She is a general surgeon, they do not fall apart at life's trifles."
"She did not respond the way YOU wanted her to respond."
"You don't know what was happening with her or how she felt."
"No one would want to have a surgeon that falls apart easily."
"You made assumptions based on your narrow vision."
"How dare you question her feelings towards her daughter."
"Have your own kids and be as judgmental of your partner as you like."
"You were out of line, and your sister was right." - SliceEquivalent825
"YTA - definitely!"
"How dare you judge a mother & demand she displays levels of emotion that you deem appropriate."
"She's a medical professional, and, whatever she will be feeling inside, she is trained to react in a coolly professional manner which is helpful for patients: you don't want your doctor freaking out about your injury."
"You're judging her, and you had no right to do that."
"I'm not surprised your sister is pissed about you overstepping on her wife." - cynical_old_mare
"YTA"
"Are you serious right now?"
"Are you actually mad that your SIL didn't freak out about a broken arm?"
"Your SIL acted the same as if it was another patient, she acted calm and professional." - RaineMist
"YTA, she's a surgeon."
"They're professional about their poker face for a reason."
"What good does it do to freak out her kid and her wife over an injury that is actually fairly common?"
"I'm not saying it's no big deal, but causing a scene and getting emotional wouldn't have done anything…other than make you feel better apparently."
"She was probably relieved that it wasn't worse."
"As parents, it's best not to freak out over injury."
"Cause it just scares the kids, and it makes it worse for them."
"Your niece was already in pain."
"She didn't need to see her mom crying and scared." - specialkk77
"YTA doctors have to keep it together."
"Even if they are a mess inside."
"Even if you wanted to address it, there is a time and place, and this wasn't it."
"Their relationship and her relationship is none of your business tho." - WebAcceptable7932
"I am going with YTA."
"The mother remained calm for her daughter (super important) and was there for her."
"What did you want from her?"
"When my niece got knocked out by a soccer ball, my sister walked out on the field calmly and attended her."
"She got some flack for not panicking and rushing out."
"She, however, was calming herself so she could be a good support for her daughter and handle anything that needed to be handled."
"Not everything you see outwardly shows what the person is thinking and experiencing emotionally."
"Her acting emotional, or babying her, or whatever, would not have been helpful."
"The calmer she was the calmer the daughter would be." - Catbunny
"YTA just for your subject line, your SIL didn't ignore anything."
"She is a health professional who behaved professionally."
"You do NOT get to call her 'an ice cold insensitive mother.'"
"You are absolutely the AH for that!"
"I broke my arms several times as a kid."
"Unless you've got bone sticking through the skin, it's really not a big deal." - RightLocal1356
"YTA"
"I understand you think your sister didn't react 'big enough,' but honestly, she is a medical professional."
"Yes it sucks her daughter was hurt but she more than anyone would know how serious the injury was."
"Also, sounds like you caught her while she was actively at work."
"It can be hard to turn off doctor mode."
"You're super rude for being disrespectful to her like that." - Aelwein
"YTA"
"Surgeons, doctors, nurses and such are taught to remain calm under emergencies like these."
"She's not 'insensitive,' she has to act professionally, and as she saw that it's a minor fracture, it's not something that requires very difficult procedures, and it will heal eventually."
"Kate likely knows how to handle these types of situations, knows the procedures, so didn't get panicked when this happened."
"She's not indifferent to it." - everexisting
"YTA."
"Not exactly sure what reaction you feel was warranted here, but who are you to judge people like that, much less declare it in public - actually Kate's workplace."
"General Surgeons are not going to break down over a fractured arm in the hospital."
"She probably was just finished fixing a heart or removing a tumor."
"Give your head and shake and apologize and say you were upset and said something very stupid because that's what you did." - MaxHowe
Hopefully, her fellow Redditors helped the OP realize her comments were a little out of line so she could make amends and continue to have a solid relationship with her niece and nephew.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp