Those of us who spend time with family for the holidays can all think of that one relative who loves to bring a dish to the family dinner but who is really an insufferable cook.
It seems like no matter how many holidays go by, they don’t seem to understand that their family members don’t like their cooking, and it gets really tempting sometimes to ask them to stop bringing food, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SocietyTiny784’s sister was a terrible, “experimental” cook and always brought inedible food to Thanksgiving dinner.
Since they were hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year, they wanted to ask their sister to bring something else for the event, but when their sister became furious and planned a “revenge meal,” the Original Poster (OP) realized they may have bitten off more than they could chew.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my sister she’s not allowed to bring her homemade food to Thanksgiving because her cooking is ruining the meal?”
The OP’s sister had a habit of bringing food that no one liked to every Thanksgiving dinner.
“Every year, our family does a big Thanksgiving dinner, and we all typically bring a dish or two.”
“My sister, who’s a lovely person in every other way, insists on cooking something homemade every time. The issue? She’s… not a great cook. And I don’t mean just ‘not great’; I mean she has somehow managed to turn classic dishes into borderline inedible creations.”
“For context, last Thanksgiving, she showed up with her ‘special recipe’ stuffing that was over-seasoned with random spices like cinnamon and cardamom. It was dry, and the flavors were confusing and totally off for stuffing. Only one person took a small bite, and the rest went untouched.”
“Another year, she brought a green bean casserole that had some kind of strange, chewy texture; she later admitted she used coconut milk and almond flour ‘to experiment.’ No one wanted seconds of that, either.”
“To make it worse, unfortunately, she doesn’t just let it go when people don’t eat her food. She’ll try to ‘encourage’ everyone to taste it, usually by asking each person directly if they’ve had some yet and even pointing out specific flavors or ‘unique ingredients’ she thinks we should appreciate.”
“If people avoid it, she’ll make comments like, ‘It’s okay if you’re not adventurous,’ or she’ll say that her dish is for people with a ‘refined palate.’ It puts everyone in an awkward spot where we feel pressured to pretend to like it just to keep the peace.”
The OP thought they could make a difference while hosting Thanksgiving dinner.
“This year, I’m hosting Thanksgiving. Since I’m responsible for putting it all together, I wanted to keep the menu consistent so that people could actually enjoy a cohesive meal. I thought I’d avoid drama by asking her to bring non-food items instead, like wine, soda, or even some flowers.”
“I explained to her (very kindly, I thought) that I just wanted to make things easy and streamlined, and I’d handle the main dishes. But she didn’t take it well.”
“She got offended and told me I was being ‘controlling’ and ‘shutting her out’ of the family gathering. She then accused me of making her feel inadequate and said that Thanksgiving is about everyone contributing, not me deciding what’s ‘acceptable.'”
“I told her that everyone appreciates her effort but that she could contribute in other ways and still be part of it. She doubled down and said she’s bringing her ‘famous’ green bean casserole whether I like it or not.”
The situation escalated into a family feud, with Thanksgiving still weeks away.
“Now, my mom and a couple of other family members have chimed in, saying I should just let her bring whatever she wants because ‘it’s Thanksgiving’ and ‘it’s the thought that counts.’ They’re acting like I’m committing some huge offense by wanting the food to be enjoyable for everyone and not have random experimental dishes that no one will eat.”
“But I feel like I’m just trying to keep the meal enjoyable and, frankly, edible. I don’t think it’s wrong to want guests to actually enjoy the food, especially since I’m putting in a lot of effort to host. Am I really being unreasonable here?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that it was time for the sister’s contributions to change.
“Since she reacts poorly, tries to push people to try or have seconds, and is generally a sourpuss about it, then I think suggesting she take control of wines/crisps/non-baked goods is sensible.”
“But if she doesn’t comment or make a big deal, then it really doesn’t sound like her cooking badly does any harm. No one eats it, and she feels like she’s contributed. All it takes is throwing away the food in the end. Minimal hassle for a peaceful holiday that everyone enjoys.”
“My brother can’t cook, but it’s a tradition for everyone to bring something. We just make sure that he’s not the only one bringing that type of dish. If he’s on potatoes, trust me, at least one other person is, as well.”
“Two types of potatoes never hurts anyone, and it solves the issue when he doubtlessly brings something else so unappealingly inedible that most refuse to try it (now, we used to try).” – ececacademic
“But even if she attempts to make a big deal over people’s personal preferences, is no one above correcting this childish behavior? Truly cannot go through life thinking that you are entitled to be everyone’s preference.”
“I’m considered a pretty good cook by most but still come across people who don’t like my version of something. It’s def not a cause for meltdown.” – FiaFlowerz
“The family definitely should just correct the sister’s behavior (and mindset), but I know some people are like a dog with a bone when they feel slighted. It would certainly taint every family holiday if you had someone who’s always a sourpuss complaining that no one’s eating their dish(es).”
“At which point, I can understand trying to diplomatically find a way to avoid the same situation over and over and over.” – Mindless-Platypus448
“Rather than throw it away, it would be better to cover the dish and send it home with her. At least it won’t be wasted, as she seems to like it. She might also actually realize that nobody else likes it.” – shackndon2020
“At this point, you can’t handle this diplomatically. They tried to let her off the hook and she’s throwing a protest meal inside Thanksgiving dinner. I’d be of two minds to deal with this…”
“Either set up a card table in the garage and put her food out there, which will absolutely escalate this but make it harder for her to force people to try her food.”
“Or let her bring her food, but when she tries to push people, set THAT as the boundary, ‘Nope. We’re not pushing people to eat or try things they don’t want as it’s rude.’ And ‘I’m sorry that you’re upset that our traditional Thanksgiving food is gone and your ‘special’ food hasn’t been touched, but you chose to waste your time, effort, and money on this after we told you no. You don’t get to harass people to make yourself feel less embarrassed.'”
“Or ‘Take your biohazards home with your st**ky a** bossy attitude’ if you’re absolutely done with her.” – YellowBrownStones
Others advised letting the sister bring what she wanted but also providing backup options.
“On a small level, I get it. Counter space is always at a premium on Thanksgiving, so having dishes you know no one wants to eat can be frustrating for a host who has to figure it out.”
“But this goes way beyond that. OP should see this as a miracle that sis won’t tell her what she’s bringing, so OP can have all the food and have a perfectly reasonable defense. Let sis hang herself with her questionable food experiments while you just shrug and say, ‘I didn’t know what you were bringing so I made my full menu.'”
“The only way I see OP making any sense is if they left out how sis is so entirely dramatic and makes the gathering and/or following weeks insufferable with her complaints about how no one ate her food but that seems like a huge thing to omit.” – panda3096
“Let her bring what she wants, but make an actual alternative dish yourself for everyone to actually eat. I have a niece that used to do something similar, always changing or substituting some key ingredient, so that it tasted awful, so we had backups.”
“Like if she’s making her ‘famous green bean casserole,’ provide another green bean or similar vegetable dish that people can choose instead.” – wmgman
“Make buttered peas! It goes great with mashed potatoes and is a similar but not the same vegetable as green beans.”
“Or do a broccoli bake with cheese sauce, or maybe green beans with bacon.”
“If she does stuffing, do a special kind, like cornbread and sausage.”
“If she does sweet potato casserole with marshmallows, make the yams in syrup version.”
“We would do this with my aunt. She always insisted on bringing pie but was also ‘opposed to sugar,’ so her pies were disgusting. We’d just make some pies of different flavors, maybe a cake, so people would have options.” – CalamityClambake
“I’d say just make your original menu and let your sister’s contributions be extra. I’d set everything up buffet style, so everyone can take what they want.”
“If the sister provides little cards for her dishes, that’s a bonus as it will let everyone know that these dishes are the ‘special’ ones and they can choose to take only a small portion if they want (or none). And if the dish turns out to be good, they can always go back and get more.”
“OP, you’re overthinking it at this point.” – cashewkowl
“Just let her bring the green bean casserole and make an actually edible one as a backup. It’s not worth it to die on this hill.”
“My advice now would be to make so much food that there is absolutely NO room on the table and have her set up her trio somewhere else away from the normal people’s food. Or cancel it and have someone else host.”
“She’s doing it to disrespect YOU in your home so maybe it’s not worth it.” – Rowana133
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a side-eye-worthy update.
“Alright, well, things have escalated fast. Thanks to everyone who offered advice; I tried to compromise, but it’s already turning into a whole thing, and Thanksgiving is still a few weeks away.”
“After our last conversation, my sister was being pretty cagey about what she planned to make, so I reached out to my mom, hoping she could help smooth things over.”
“Instead, she got defensive, saying I’m ‘overthinking’ it and that it’s just one dish. I told her I wasn’t sure it was just one dish anymore, especially after hearing about my sister’s grocery haul (including canned oysters and edible glitter).”
“Then my mom let slip that my sister has been ‘hard at work’ on some ‘creative menu’ she’s planning as her ‘Thanksgiving surprise.’ Apparently, she’s been telling the family group chat (which I wasn’t included in, by the way) that I’m being ‘controlling’ and that she wants to ‘expand everyone’s palate’ with something ‘truly unique.'”
“To top it off, my cousin sent me a screenshot from the group chat where my sister said she’s bringing not one but three dishes to Thanksgiving now. She’s calling them her ‘Thanksgiving Trio Experience,’ complete with their own place settings and little menu cards she’s designing. I’m officially panicking because I have no idea what she’s planning to serve, and from what I’ve heard, it’s not remotely traditional.”
“At this point, half the family thinks I’m overreacting, while the other half is texting me with things like, ‘Is she really bringing glittered sweet potatoes?'”
The OP wasn’t sure what to do about Thanksgiving dinner anymore.
“I feel stuck. If I try to control it anymore, I’m the bad guy, but if I don’t, Thanksgiving might turn into a tasting event for my sister’s avant-garde cooking.”
“So yeah, Thanksgiving is weeks away, and it’s already become a family spectacle. I don’t know whether to brace myself or just preemptively order pizza.”
“I still love the idea of giving her a different role, like bringing wines, drinks, or snacks, and still making her feel included without all the pressure around her cooking. The ‘two types of potatoes’ trick is brilliant, too. I could ask her to bring a sweet potato dish and also make sure there’s a traditional one there, so people have an easy fallback if hers is too ‘creative.'”
“That way, she still feels she’s contributing without the tension of everyone avoiding her dish. Thanks for the insight!”
While the subReddit could understand the OP’s concerns, they felt there were either ways to come at the conversation from a different angle to navigate around the sister’s questionable dishes without causing an unnecessary family feud.
It might be unfortunate to see questionable dishes at the dinner table and food that we all know is probably going to go to waste at the end of the holiday, but sometimes it’s better to let a person feel like they’ve contributed while you’ve meaningfully set up a backup plan to save their feelings.