When two people enter a relationship, that’s usually a sign of their compatibility. But just because they click doesn’t mean their extended network will.
They may not like each other’s friends, or their friends may not like each other.
But is that cause to end friendships?
A wife who dislikes her husband’s friend turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Careful_Stand_415 asked:
“AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him spending so much time with his friend anymore?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (40, female) have been married to my husband (40, male) for 12 years. We have two kids (ages 8 and 12), and overall, our family life is pretty great. However, there’s one issue that’s been bothering me for a while now, and I only recently expressed it to my husband.”
“My husband’s friend, Mark, recently moved to our city and lives nearby. They probably haven’t seen each other in almost a decade.”
“They were close friends in college, but after graduating, they went their separate ways and didn’t speak much. I’ve only recently gotten to know Mark, and I have only met him a few times with my husband.”
“Here is the best way I can describe Mark. He is the same age as us, but acts as if he is still in college. He’s loud, brash, and has this ‘I’m living the dream’ attitude that’s way too self-absorbed for my liking.”
“He works in finance and is financially successful, which he loves to remind everyone about. He drives a flashy car, wears expensive clothes, and assumes he’s what everyone dreams to be.”
“Essentially, he’s like a ‘finance bro’ who has freshly graduated college, except 40 years old.”
“Another thing is, he’s been divorced twice. Not that going through a divorce is an issue. According to Mark, both marriages ended because of ‘irreconcilable differences,’ but honestly, it feels like Mark just doesn’t take relationships seriously.”
“Mark has kids as well, son and a daughter. He talks about his daughter a lot, but it’s mostly complaints about how she’s ‘becoming more like her mom’ (his ex-wife). He says it in a way that makes it sound like a bad thing, as if the mom has somehow ‘ruined’ her.”
“Mark has never disrespected me directly (he barely spoke to me), but it’s the overall vibe he gives off that bothers me.
“My husband’s behavior hasn’t changed since meeting him, but a lot of times when my husband comes home, he has this carefree attitude, as if Mark has brought the ‘youth’ out in him.”
“Sometimes I feel like it’s a version of him that I have never met. There is no issue doing this once in a while, but my husband meets Mark easily 3-4 times a month.”
“Eventually, I expressed my concern to my husband. I told him I really don’t like how often they go out drinking, and that Mark seems very immature.”
“I just don’t want my husband picking up traits from him.”
“My husband responded by saying how he also doesn’t like my friend Claire, but doesn’t complain about me hanging out with her. Apart from Claire being blunt and opinionated, she isn’t a bad influence and is also married with 3 kids.”
“I don’t want to make it seem like I’m trying to control who my husband hangs out with, but his friend Mark is just not a good influence at all.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my husband about how I don’t like his friend and that he shouldn’t spend time with him.”
“I may have come off as trying to control who my husband sees and who he doesn’t. I don’t want to control his friendships.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“You do seem to be trying to control who your husband hangs out with. I understand not liking Mark. From your description, I also don’t like Mark. But right now, all your husband has done is hang out with a friend he hadn’t seen much of recently.”
“If he’s neglecting you and the kids or his other responsibilities, that’s one thing, but you didn’t mention that.”
“YTA. Your husband is an adult. Trust him to be one, and let him spend time with his friend.” ~ Khabuem
“So, OP, I’m gonna go on the information presented. You have to let go of the ‘Mark is immature and a bad influence’ line. Your husband is right, and he may think that Claire’s bluntness and opinionated nature make HER a bad influence.”
“The question is, do your husband’s outings with Mark come at the expense of commitments to you and your two kids, or to his responsibilities to the household? If your husband is going out drinking once a week while you NEVER get a day off, you have a beef.”
“If he’s skipping out on a commitment to take the 8-year-old to soccer practice to go drinking, you have a beef. If he’s stopped planning ‘date nights’ with you in favor of outings with Mark, you have a beef.”
“But if he’s still your loving husband and father who wants to go out once a week with his friend and comes home carefree and happy, where’s your beef?”
“You say you think Mark is not a good influence, but you also say your husband’s behavior hasn’t changed. Again, where’s your beef?” ~ Constant_Host_3212
“I actually had to re-read the sentence where she said they hang out 3-4 times a MONTH, because I thought I misread it the first time. I came to this post expecting OP to say her husband is out late with his buddy every night.”
“Then to see her say she’s bothered by the fact that he comes home carefree and happy, like he’s supposed to just be miserable at home with OP 24/7 instead‽‽”
“I think OP’s real concern here is that hanging out with Mark will make her husband realize what he’s missing in his life and that he could actually be happy again if he divorced her.”
“And I think it’s really ironic that she’s over here worried that her husband will ‘pick up bad traits’ (WTF is he, a puppy‽) from Mark, but COMPLETELY dismisses the fact that she clearly shares the same a**hole traits as her friend that her husband doesn’t like.”
“So why does he have to give up his friendship while OP just blows off his concerns about her friend’s behavior?”
“YTA, OP. Your husband is allowed to have friends outside of you.” ~ QualityParticular739
“YTA. You said it hasn’t affected your husband’s personality or how he treats you, so let him have his idiot friend!” ~ Bearmancartoons
“YTA. You literally said it bothers you when he comes home happy.”
“Your husband is literally bothered by a friend of yours and you completely dismissed it.”
“This guy said his daughter is ‘becoming more like her mom’—which is not a complaint by the way, it’s just possibly something he notices. My son is more like my wife every day and I love that about him.”
“You seem like an unhappy person.”
By the way—that your friend Claire is married with kids does not make her a good influence. It seems more like her ‘blunt and opinionated’ attitude has rubbed off on you and gave you a bad influence.” ~ Dry_Topic_7333
“I was expecting her to say ‘they hang out daily’ or something along those lines, not 3-4 times a f*cking month. I was also expecting some big personality changes, not him coming home f*cking carefree and happy that he hung out with his friend.” ~ BensenJensen
“You are COMPLETELY in the wrong here. Re-read what you wrote. You come off as very controlling. You just don’t like the guy, that’s OK.”
“I am sure there are plenty of people your husband hasn’t liked besides Claire. And you say divorce is not an issue, yet you state that Claire is married with 3 kids, like it’s OK for her being blunt and opiniated.”
“Frankly, your husband should be commended for the way he handled that. You didn’t mention him yelling or anything. He simply stated that your opinionated friend is equally annoying to him.”
“Say what you seem to be implying. This rich, not married guy will attract women when at the bar and you are worried about your husband. If that’s not the case, then kindly get off the man’s back.
“Let him be with his friend. YTA!!!!!” ~ RiddLA311
“It sounds like you want him to be miserable. YTA.” ~ suchstuffmanythings
“YTA. Remind yourself that you’re his wife and not his mother. Your husband is a big boy! He can tie his own shoes & choose his own friends.” ~ Catcher_Mama
“He sees his friend 3 or 4 times a month? THE MONSTER!” ~ medium_buffalo_wings
“And he’s carefree when he gets home! Won’t anybody think of the kids! Oh, the humanity.” ~ IrishDaveInCanada
“Are you entirely sure you’re not just jealous seeing Mark elicit a level of happiness from your husband that he doesn’t get from being around you? I remember being like this in my 20s.”
“I didn’t have any REAL reasons to dislike my then-boyfriend’s friends other than ‘I don’t like seeing how much happier & carefree he is with them and never myself’. I recognized eventually this is immature & insecure behavior.”
“Allow people to change & grow. Soft YTA because he’s not your child to be policing his adult friends, especially if it hasn’t caused him to mistreat you.” ~ diko-l
While her husband’s friend Mark may not be her cup of tea, she doesn’t have to spend time with him. But that doesn’t mean her husband shouldn’t have the opportunity to.
If she keeps Claire, her husband should probably get to keep Mark.