I grew up in a very small town of about 2,000 people. There were 200 kids in my high school which also had kids from five other small towns in the surrounding area. At 56 kids, my senior class was tied for the largest ever.
Now imagine dating as a high school student…
With the closure of the main employer, a lumber mill, the town has gotten even smaller at about 1,200 people on the last census. A new consolidated school was built to replace two asbestos riddled buildings. The new school has 231 students in grades pre-kindergarten – grade 12.
Now imaginge dating as a high school student…
Needless to say, the dating pool was extremely limited in my day. For kids and adults. I can’t imagine what it’s like now.
Partner swapping wasn’t a real thing—that I know of—but friend groups would often end up having dated each other in a number of combinations in high school then continued to socialize as adults, then marry each others exes, too.
It there are 10 people in town that share your interests, you sort of end up attached at the hip from grade school to the grave.
A woman whose ex-husband works with her boyfriend turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her ex took exception to one aspect of her new relationship.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
AdJust1019 asked:
“My boyfriend and ex-husband work together, AITAH for giving my boyfriend food to take to work?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (26, female) was married for four years. We got divorced because I found out I couldn’t have children. I was content to stay child free, it wasn’t a huge loss.”
“My ex-husband really wants a ‘mini me’ and to ‘pass on his legacy’. We had a good marriage for the most part, but that was that.”
“I’m not too sad, as I’ve come to learn there’s better out there. My boyfriend is honestly the kindest person I’ve ever met.”
“I should note, we live in a small town and I have a type. I like tall guys with no facial hair, and a short haircut who look like they could be in the military, but aren’t. Most local guys have beards I feel like. I’ve got sensitive skin so facial hair is a no for me.”
“My boyfriend of seven months works with my ex-husband. They work as military contractors on airfields, doing different jobs. But they work in the same area with the same guys.”
“I really like to cook and bake. I’m trying to not get diabetes though, so I don’t eat everything I bake. I used to pack my ex-husband’s lunch and would often send him to work with a tray of baked goods.”
“I’ve taken extensive culinary classes around baking and I’ve been told the stuff I make is really good.”
“Funny enough, when my boyfriend and I met, he said he always loved the stuff I made for their shop when I was married to my ex-husband. I now pack my boyfriend’s lunch and send him stuff to take to work.”
“Apparently a bunch of the guys they work with have been giving my ex-husband sh*t. Dating had apparently been going very poorly for him (I’m not shocked) and apparently this has been just making him not look forward to going to work.”
“My boyfriend is significantly more attractive than my ex-husband and they’re making jokes about how I upgraded from one mechanic to another. My boyfriend doesn’t mind because the jokes paint him in a good light, and they tell him he’s lucky, etc…”
“My ex-husband sent me a long message asking me to stop sending stuff to work with my boyfriend so the guys will leave him alone. He also asked me not to come to their annual 4th of July thing.”
“I’m not the one making jokes about him or bothering him at work. Insulting them back would be fair play.”
“I kind of feel like he’s making his problems my problem. I don’t feel like it’s a fair request. But I’m not completely unempathetic, so I’m willing to stop if most people think I should.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added:
“When we got married we had the whole ‘sickness and in health’ vow. I had a medical condition that resulted in me being unable to have children.”
“I do think it’s sh*tty to leave your spouse for a medical condition they can’t control when you promised to stay by their side. But I’m long past the point of being sad about that.”
“I was a little bit bitter for a while after my divorce. But everything was great once I met my boyfriend. Having my ex-husband message me for the first time since our divorce was finalized to tell me what to do has made me a bit sour, I’ll admit.”
“My sending stuff isn’t to get back at my ex. I’ve always sent stuff to work with people. I take stuff to my work. I used to send stuff to my dads work, etc… It’s really not a revenge plot.”
“My boyfriend is child free and doesn’t want children. I can’t have children and don’t see myself adopting, so I’m happy to be child free too.”
“We live in a small town. It’s hard find someone completely removed from mine and my ex-husband’s social circles. I didn’t pick my boyfriend to get back at my ex-husband or something. I met him on a dating app and didn’t know where he worked to begin with.”
“If I were in my ex-husbands shoes right now, I’d just have a talk with some of my coworkers about how they’re hurting my feelings and making me uncomfortable.”
“I think he’s turned a bit bitter after the divorce. He’s also gained a lot of weight. I’m just not shocked that things aren’t going super well for him.”
“Our marriage was happy, but I do think he has some unrealistic expectations that most women wouldn’t be okay with. He wants a domestic wife to give him children and do most of the cleaning, but he also wants a woman who will pay half the bills.”
“So a bit of a tall order, but possible I suppose.”
“We wanted kids, and agreed that it would be okay if we couldn’t have any. Neither of us wanted to adopt. He changed his mind after it became a me problem, not a him problem.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP wasn’t doing anything wrong by sharing treats with her boyfriend’s coworkers (NTA).
“Tell your ex, ‘Do you think being the person who cut off the flow of baked goods is going to solve this problem?’ And end with, ‘We’re divorced—stop making your problems my problems’.” ~ New-Bar4405
“Dude needs to roll with the punches and crack a joke or two of his own. My uncles were mechanics. That bunch is ruthless, esp if they see it is getting to you.”
“He needs to deflate their jokes and jabs. Probably become friends even with your boyfriend. His way of going about it is just going to make his life hell with that lot. NTA, OP.” ~ Usual-Canary-7764
“NTA, he has nothing to say or ask you. If your boyfriend loves bringing all that, tough luck. He has to accept it.”
“And asking you not to come to a party is out of bounds. If he’s having trouble accepting that you’ve managed to rebuild your life and he hasn’t, he needs to rethink his approach.”
“What does he think will happen if you don’t show up and everyone explains that HE asked you not to come?” ~ Moist-Garage-1871
“As I was reading this, I thought the ex should say something about how happy he is that he still gets to eat the delicious baked goods without any of the hassle of being married.”
“Back in the day, I dated one fraternity brother a couple years after dating another one. #2 wasn’t there when I dated #1, but other brothers were and it was a little awkward the first time I came to a party there.”
“We just hung out with different people and it was fine after an hour or so. The ex just needs to decide to roll with it or not attend the party himself.” ~ Glittering_Win_9677
“NTA. He needs to talk to his coworkers about their comments and behavior if it’s bothering him. You know, like an adult. It’s not your problem.” ~ JubeeD
“Actually, talking about it works. There’s good-spirited ribbing, and then there’s taking a joke too far.”
“Most guys will stop if you make it known the jokes are making you genuinely uncomfortable. I’ve worked with military mechanics. They’re not soulless.” ~ valentc
“Typical male ego – it’s the loving ex-wife’s fault, not my male coworkers! I have to preserve my stoic, manly facade!” ~ 3sadclowns
It sounds like this is a him, not a her, problem.
As Redditors advised, the OP and her boyfriend are fine to just keep on keeping on living their lives.
OP’s ex needs to sort his own problems out on his own.