Sometimes people just don’t want to cook.
For some, it’s therapeutic; for others, it’s a nightmare.
In a relationship, these two types of people exist.
So, how do couples find a compromise when it comes to preparing after-work meals?
Redditor Strong_Cattle_4760 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for not making dinners for my B[oy]F[riend] who gets home late?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My boyfriend is a nurse and I’m a software engineer.”
“We’ve been dating for a little over a year now and recently moved in together.”
“I get home a couple of hours before my boyfriend usually does.”
“I eat most of my meals at work since they provide free food with some decent healthy options.”
“My boyfriend’s workplace doesn’t offer free meals (though they do have a cafeteria), so he asked if I could maybe make dinner for us both instead of me eating at work.”
“The thing is, I really hate cooking and suggested he just grab something on the way home if he’s too tired to cook.”
“He said that all the healthy options are too expensive to buy takeout every weekday night for him.”
“He also mentioned that his ex used to help out with dinners, but I flat out refused because I hate cooking and I like to spend my evenings on my hobbies and relaxing after work.”
“I can tell he’s still upset about it, but I’m not sure if I’m the a**hole here or if he’s being unreasonable.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA here?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Is your boyfriend incapable of going to the grocery store?”
“Did he suddenly stop feeding himself when you moved in together?”
“Why would you buy food to cook if you can get free meals at work?” ~ BlondDee1970
“This isn’t a case of ‘you’re already cooking for yourself, save some for me;’ you usually eat at work and generally hate cooking (so I assume you don’t do it).”
“This is him asking you to act like his parent.”
“There is a discussion to be had here. If it’s about spending time together, he could meal-prep, and you could talk over his dinner.”
“You might even pop something in the microwave if he texts to ask politely, if he’s starving when he gets home.”
“You can offer a compromise that works for both of you; what he does for you and you do for him.”
“Being purely transactional isn’t great for relationships, but there does have to be both give and take.”
“NTA and he wasn’t TA for asking (politely) because sharing what you want is important, but he became TA by bringing his ex into it and staying upset, and if he got pushy or whiny.”
“Just talk about the possibilities of sharing meals!” ~ Tangerine_Bouquet
“He wants you to cook…”
“Ok, but who makes the meal plan?”
“Who makes the grocery list?”
“Who does the shopping?”
“Assuming you have basic kitchenware, who is doing prep?”
“We know you’re supposed to do the cooking part.”
“Then who sets the table?”
“Is it a make ur own plate situation?”
“What about cleaning the kitchen surfaces? (Counters, floors, etc)”
“Who is doing the dishes?”
“NTA… but I think you need to pose these hypothetical questions.”
“And make it a “I’m still not cooking, but let’s see if I can help you understand my perspective. Hypothetically… (insert questions).”
“Cooking is never as simple as people make it out to be when they want someone else to do it.” ~ JaydedMermaid3D
“NTA. You’re not his personal chef.”
“He’s right about the cost of buying coffee at a cafe.”
“He needs to do big meal prep on days off to have leftovers during the week.”
“He also needs to stop the manipulative BS about his ex, who would cook for him.”
“Crap like that would get me to suggest he get back together with them.” ~ CSurvivor9
“NTA. He’s your boyfriend, not your child; his nourishment is not your lookout.”
“If he can pack a lunch, he can prep a dinner.”
“I totally get that nursing is demanding and draining, but again, you are not the hired help. If he lived alone, would he starve?”
“If you decide to help him put together some weekend prep for weekday microwaving, you are doing something nice and extra, not something obliged or mandatory.”
“If you don’t do it, you are not a bad human, and NTA.” ~ Ladiesbane
“You moved in together to preview marriage, or at least a long-term relationship.”
“This is an issue that the two of you need to resolve satisfactorily, one way or another.”
“After all, how will you manage as a couple if/when you have children?”
“Will you always devote your time to your hobbies and let your children fend for themselves until your husband comes home?”
“I would ask the same question of him if he were the one who came home first, yet hated cooking.”
“Right now, you sound more like roommates than a functioning couple.”
“The two of you need to sit down and work this out to a mutually agreeable conclusion; otherwise, this relationship doesn’t have a future. NAH.” ~ Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss
“He should do what my parents do (both nurses) and meal prep, or keep snacks handy while running about. NTA.”
“Tons of medical professionals out there who’ve figured it out.” ~ purple_plasmid
“NTA. It’s really selfish of him to expect you to give up free food so that you’d be more interested in spending money to buy and make something for him to have as well.”
“Not to mention that you’re going to be tired after work as well.”
“What did he do about dinner before you moved in?”
“Because he needs to start doing that again.”
“Sharing a home with him doesn’t suddenly turn you into his maid.” ~ elevenohnoes
“NTA… If he were suggesting that you two cook together a couple of times a week, that would be one thing, but you would absolutely have the right to say no.”
“However, this man is suggesting that you, who hates cooking and who gets free food at work, not only cook just for him (because he’d rather not), but also eat on his schedule, which is hours after you get home.”
“This is wildly selfish.”
“What is the division of labor like for other household chores?”
“I suggest he go back to doing whatever he was doing before you two moved in together.” ~ Consistent-Leopard71
“NTA. There were a lot of approaches he could have taken, but his opening bid was ‘please do my cooking for me’ and his follow up was ‘my ex did it,’ which makes it hard for me to sympathize with the people saying you should have done just a few of his chores instead of all of them in the spirit of compromise.”
“This ask (or the resentment) won’t go away, though, so maybe the take home a meal from work option is something worth exploring.” ~ hraedon
“NAH. I get it, you’re not his mom or personal chef.”
“However, eating a meal together is a bonding experience and a nice time to just chill together.”
“If it were me, I’d offer to do so occasionally and make sure he’s not expecting anything extravagant.”
“A relationship is a partnership, and I think his request is reasonable as long as he doesn’t expect it every night, or feels entitled to it.”
“That’s just me, though.”
“Really wish you two kids luck together if this is going to be a stumbling block right out of the gate.”
“It may seem like a small thing, but it’s kind of not, especially if kids are in the future.”
“You’re gonna have to do a lot of things you don’t like then.” ~ Gertrude_D
“NTA. You’re not his mom.”
“If you were making dinner for yourself a choose not to prepare anything for him, that would be selfish, but you are eating at work and aren’t making dinner.”
“He needs to figure out his own dinner and perhaps food prep on his own and have his meals ready for himself to eat if he is too tired to cook when he gets home.”
“Grow up, dude.” ~ Tasty_Abalone9723
“This a NTA for me, but I can see there are many differing opinions in the comments.”
“So it looks like it might be a compatibility issue.”
“I also work in tech and have food from work.”
“I cannot imagine cooking for my partner just because they work later hours than I.”
“Food in particular is not a mental load or chore I will be willing to take on.”
“Especially if they start with the ‘but my ex did it,’ well, you know where your ex is, friend.”
“It’s ok that people are sometimes incompatible, it’s good to know early.”
“I also want a partner so that we can both make each other’s lives better.”
“In this situation, though, I would consider it a huge net negative for me.”
“Because I also hate ‘having to cook’ as a chore.”
“Just one extra mental load having to cater for someone’s food intake after a day of work, when it wasn’t an issue I had in my life before they came into it.”
“Really depends, I guess.” ~ Ukelele-in-the-rain
“NTA. Instead of just asking you if you’d cook for him, he disguised it as for both of you.”
“You live together, so he knows you hate cooking.”
“Then, when you refused, he told you his ex used to do it.”
“He sounds like a spoiled brat.” ~ Pkfrompa
“NTA. It’s important to have a life outside of work, and each partner is responsible for their own food. You’re not a personal chef, you’re a software engineer.” ~ NoDress2342
Reddit is with you, OP.
If cooking isn’t your deal, then BF is going to have to live.
If it’s a deal-breaker for the relationship, then it’s a deal-breaker.
You’re not obligated to make dinner.
Stay firm.