The decision to have children is best made before conception.
No child benefits from being unwanted or resented.
A new mother dealing with anger over a cheating fiancé who convinced her to go forward with an unplanned, unwanted second pregnancy turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Throwaway289173 asked:
“AITAH for not wanting my daughter?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (27, female) just had a daughter with my fiancé (30, male), and she’s 2 weeks old. We’ve been together for 8 years and engaged for about 1 1/2 years. We also have a 5-year-old.”
“Initially, when I found out I was pregnant, it was a surprise because I had been taking birth control. I didn’t plan on having any other kids, and honestly, I wanted to be one and done.”
“He reassured me it would be fine, and I told my family, and they were really excited about it. In a way, I feel like I got pressured into keeping the baby because I really didn’t want to, but everyone kept saying that it was a ‘blessing’ and unexpected things are meant to be.”
“I decided to go through with the pregnancy.”
“When I was 38 weeks pregnant, I found out that my fiancé had been cheating on me for the past 2 years and obviously didn’t tell me. By that time, it was too late to terminate.”
“It was embarrassing because we already had a baby shower; all my family, friends, coworkers, etc. knew we were expecting, and I didn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t have gotten engaged and went through with a pregnancy if I knew that beforehand.”
“I was furious and all he could offer me was a ‘sorry’.”
“I feel like this was extremely unfair to me, and now I’m stuck with something I never wanted. I tried talking to my friends and family about it, and they think I’m an a**hole for not wanting my baby anymore.”
“They won’t even talk to me about it anymore because they think it makes me a bad person. I might be an a**hole because it’s not my daughter’s fault.”
The OP summed up their situation:
“I (27, female) had a baby with my fiancé (30, male) and was pressured to keep her when I didn’t really want to. I found out he was cheating on me the entire time, and I wouldn’t have done all this if I knew that beforehand.”
The OP later added:
“At first, I didn’t really want to have another baby, and it was a surprise. After some time in the pregnancy, I was looking forward to it because I knew we were gonna get married and be a family.”
“We already started planning a wedding.”
“At 38 weeks, I found out that he had been sexting other people (who I knew) behind my back. It was embarrassing because I have all these people on social media, we’ve been posting about getting married and having our baby, and I’m sure these people knew that, but nobody told me and I found out myself.”
“Once I found that out, my feelings shifted and I really didn’t want the pregnancy anymore, but there was nothing I could do. I wouldn’t have said yes to an engagement, planned on getting married, and kept a pregnancy if I knew that was what was going on the whole time.”
“I’ve felt this resentment since 38 weeks because I was promised something that was never true. I’m sad and angry because my life has changed, and now I feel like I’m navigating these big feelings alone with everyone’s judgment.”
“Everyone’s blaming me for how I feel and telling me that ‘it’s just life’ and ‘things happen’. Well that’s not fair.”
“I do feel trapped now. Obviously, I have been giving her the best care, and I would never neglect her, but I’m mad because I never wanted this.”
“I was talked into having a second child with the expectation that we would be doing this together as a family. It’s unfair to me that I was lied to.”
“Everyone keeps saying it’s postpartum depression, and it’s not. I guess I’m still hormonal, but I’m more mad than anything that this is how my life ended up. I haven’t seen the doctor, but I’m not depressed. I’m mad about the situation and I’ve been mad for weeks.”
“I’ll clarify that her dad doesn’t have an issue taking her, but the problem lies with everyone else’s judgement.”
“She was very much wanted by my family (they spent thousands on a baby shower and gifts) and they think I’m a huge a**hole for wanting to give her up. They’re worried they won’t see her again and they’re very upset about it.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was justifiably angry but still had two children to consider.
“NTA. Of course, you’re upset! You got talked into going through with a pregnancy that you didn’t want, with the expectation that you had a partner that would be helping.”
“And then you find out that while he’s telling you this, he’s cheating. So here you are, getting ready to be a single mom, and everyone is acting like there’s something wrong with you for feeling trapped and angry.”
“That being said, your daughter doesn’t deserve to feel unwanted because her sperm donor is a POS.”
“Since your family is too busy with baby rabies to hear what you’re saying, please see if you can find a therapist to help you work through your completely justified resentment. Unless you have someone in your corner for this, you’re going to have a miserable postpartum experience.”
“And Mr. POS had best be prepared to, at minimum, share custody, and provide financial support since he’s the one who thought this was a good idea.” ~ Mira_DFalco
“I’m so sorry your whole world has fallen apart, your trust in your fiancé was destroyed, you were publicly embarrassed, and your family isn’t being supportive.”
“I think that you are experiencing a huge hormone fluctuation and post-birth recovery on top of it.”
“You should really find some mental-health treatment. You may be projecting your feelings for your ex onto your baby. Once you receive some mental health services, you might feel differently.”
“Your baby is also an innocent victim in all of this mess perpetrated by your ex. I wouldn’t make any hasty decisions now – but please make sure your baby is somewhere safe and being cared for.” ~ GiraffeThoughts
“NTA. Please get into counseling ASAP, because all this is too much for one person without support. They can help you sort your feelings about all these different issues so you can make sure you are making the best decision for you.”
“I am so sorry your fiancé did this to you. You have every right to feel the way you do. Just don’t make any decisions off of possibly temporary emotions.”
“You are likely experiencing some postpartum depression and should talk to your doctor about it. Get yourself in a better headspace to make your decision.”
“Have baby daddy take baby for now while you sort your emotions.” ~ 1RainbowUnicorn
“I’m going to say this as the daughter of a mother who never wanted her. You are NTA, you don’t have to want her, just don’t make her suffer because of it.”
“My mother didn’t want me, and decided to make me suffer for 16 yrs of my life before I cut her off, if you don’t want her, then let her father take her. I am sorry you are going through this.”
“You are NTA for not wanting a baby that was forced on you in a way, the only way you would be TA is if you made the innocent child suffer because you simply don’t want or care about it.”
“Do the right thing for you and that child, separate from your fiancé, let him have custody, go to therapy for yourself, there’s gotta be lots of emotions, terminate your parental rights to the child if you are positive you don’t want anything to do with it, and move on with your life.”
“If your family or friends try bugging you about it, just tell them if they care so much they can go have a child they don’t want with someone that’s been cheating on them and see how it feels. Stay strong OP, and do the right thing for yourself and that child, if you can’t care for it, let it go.” ~ LivetoDie1307
“I’m not going to pass judgment because I do think this is a nearly impossible situation for you. You can’t give the baby up for adoption if your ex wants her.”
“You could give full custody, but then you would end up presumably with 50/50 of your son. It is completely absurd for those who think ‘oh let your ex raise her’ is a simple answer.”
“Every other week, her mom picks up her brother and leaves her behind with no contact? That’s causing your daughter an incredible amount of active harm.”
“Obviously, you can’t just give your ex full custody of both because you want to raise your son. Nothing about this is simple or obvious. I am so sorry.” ~ Plenty-Maybe-9817
“NTA. When I was pregnant with my son a friend pulled me to the side and said it’s OK to not like your baby. She said she didn’t like her son until after he was two. And other women I know have had similar experiences.”
“Be kind to yourself. You just had the baby, and you’re still experiencing the hormone rollercoaster while experiencing grief over your relationship.”
“Set up a co-parenting schedule with your ex-partner, which will also allow you to have some alone time. Share the baby with family as much as possible.”
“Just don’t share your feelings towards the baby with them. They clearly don’t understand.”
“If you really need to, can you consider adoption? That may include your ex having 100% custody over the baby.” ~ Traditional_Dig_1857
There really are no easy answers here. With a 5-year-old that they also share, a clean split isn’t possible, even if her ex-fiancé had full custody.
Hopefully, a solution can be found that’s in everyone’s best interests.