When marriages crumble, the effects can be long-lasting.
Children, no matter the age, can carry pain from divorce forever.
It can be especially difficult when fault can be validly placed on one of the partners.
And when parents remarry, it's not always the most joyful occasion.
In fact, another marriage can make everything even more awkward.
Redditor Successful_Pair1753 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not wanting to go to my dad's wedding since he's marrying the woman he cheated on my mom with?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (29 M[ale]) dad was married to my mom for about 30 years."
"He wasn't the best husband at all."
"He had a pattern of cheating and being extremely disrespectful throughout their entire relationship."
"I'm glad they got a divorce because they were never good together."
"Mainly, he wasn't good to her."
"I normally wouldn't care about him getting married again, but he's literally getting married to the last woman that he cheated on my mom with."
"This woman also has the same name as my mom… I don't even know what I will refer to her as."
"I still haven't met her and don't feel like I want to."
"My siblings have told him that they're not going to the wedding."
"I've avoided the convo with him for the most part, but he recently asked me to be a part of the wedding... just odd. Very, very odd."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not wanting to go?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. He is most likely struggling to explain why none of his children wants anything to do with him."
"Let him continue this struggle." ~ redd-junkie
"Exactly, asking you to be in the wedding is probably trying to compensate for his other kids being absent."
"He has the relationship with his kids that he created, NTA." ~ SafetyFluid8535
"NTA. A wedding invitation is not a summons, and you're under no obligation to support someone who clearly hurt the people you care about." ~ nikkesen
"NTA --- I wouldn't want to participate in a wedding with my dad marrying someone he cheated with outside his marriage."
"Infidelity." ~ myst3ryAURORA_green
"NTA. You have no obligation to support your father in this."
"If you're uncomfortable, don't go."
"You're grown."
"Do what feels right for you."
"It might get weird because you're the last of his children to decline to be a part of his wedding."
"He might be more upset with you simply because you were his last hope of legitimizing his affair by being at the wedding." ~ Lopsided_Tomatillo27
"Someone has to be last."
"Stuff this cheating A-hole and let him get married alone with no support from his family because frankly it sounds like he doesn't deserve the support." ~ Sythian
"NTA, tell Dad you're busy, but you'll be sure to catch the next wedding!"
"Of course, the woman he cheated with, he will cheat on."
"And she won't be able to understand!" ~ RemoteViewingLife
"NTA. If he presses the issue, tell him, 'Why should we show your wedding any respect?'"
"'You didn't even show any respect to your own marriage with mom.'" ~ Revo63
"NTA. I wouldn't go in this situation."
"My dad had a 6-month-long affair with his former high school sweetheart."
"They both married someone else, raised families."
"Her husband eventually divorced her, so she sought out my dad."
"My mom discovered the affair (a whole other story), and they divorced after 20 years of marriage."
"He never talked to any of us kids - we were all upper teens at the time."
"He just disappeared."
"Flash forward about a year later, and he calls to invite me to dinner."
"Wary, I asked who would be there."
"He named himself, my siblings, and finally added 'Jane.'"
"Acting innocent, I asked who is Jane?'"
"I actually knew because my cousin had filled me in."
"I wanted him to have to say her name."
"After a lot of stammering, he finally admitted she was his girlfriend."
"I went off on him, telling what a coward he was, not even bothering to talk to any of us kids when he moved out, cheating on our mom, etc."
"After I was done with my rant, I told him, 'This is the last time I will ever bring up your infidelity.'"
"You'd better treat Mom well in the divorce."
"He and Jane got married shortly after."
"I never called her my stepmother."
"She was my dad's wife."
"I was always cordial towards her, but not close."
"They ended up being married longer than my parents were and were good together."
"I lost respect for my dad, but ended up having a decent relationship with him."
"I'm glad I spoke my mind and made him admit what he'd done."
"Many years later, my mom was very sick, and we were helping her financially."
"My dad gifted her a large sum of money to help her."
"I never expected that, but was pleased that he did."
"My dad and his wife passed away just a few months apart."
"I'm sorry you are faced with this."
"There is no reason for you to celebrate this relationship."
"But over time, I hope you can find a good place to exist in it." ~ Technograndma
"Wow, thank you for sharing your story."
"It's a great example of how complex these types of incidents can be, particularly navigating and moving forward when such betrayals occur."
"I hope things turned out well for your Mom as well and she found her own peace and happiness." ~ Ok-Acanthaceae5744
"NTA. I would tell him that she will never be in the same room with you, and he needs to accept that." ~ gloryhokinetic
"Nope. It's called ethics."
"You have some."
"He doesn't."
"Also, 75% of affairs end in divorce."
"Very difficult if you don't only know your partner cheated but did it many times."
"So stats say this will probably not last."
"Tell him you have a prior engagement."
"Then take your mom out on a splurge day."
"Gift card to get her hair and nails done (because that has eroded her femininity for decades), then fancy dinner... whatever makes her happy and lasts for hours."
"Not only are you avoiding this situation with your dad, but you are honoring the person who deserves it on a day she will most likely have lots of strong emotions." ~ jillblue22
"LOL... absolutely not."
"He wants you to go so it looks like his children have accepted this obscenity."
"I don't care how old or young I am, you're not going to disrespect my mama, cheat on her after she put up with your bulls**t for 3 decades, raised your children, cleaned your fu**ing sh*t off the toilet, took care of you while you were ill, washed your nasty drawers and generally built a life for you to enjoy and then expect me to attend the wedding of the homewrecker you found to replace her with."
"And to be clear, he's a homewrecker too."
"I don't care that the home was already wrecked and should've already been torn down."
"Absolutely the fu**ity f**k not. NTA." ~ HuhWelliNever
"Tell him you'll consider going to his next wedding to an affair partner if your schedule allows, but that you'll sit this one out."
"But for real, you can simply decline and leave it at that. NTA." ~ paul_rudds_drag_race
"NTA. Don't go, if it's causing you this much grief."
"Just know that the wife isn't going away (at least no time soon) and that ginormous elephant of unresolved trauma is still going to be in the room whether or not you attend." ~ Nuiwzgrrl1448
"NTA not at all!!!!"
"If you don't feel like going, absolutely do not go."
"Personally, I would not choose to be a part of the wedding either."
"I think that's a really low blow on his part to even ask that of you."
"This is not a day for you."
"It shouldn't be a day for them either."
"Maybe you can do something with your mom on this day."
"Go out together and don't talk about the wedding."
"Just have a nice, relaxing day out."
"Get some coffee, go shopping, go out for lunch, go bowling, do something." ~ Firefly_Magic
"There's not a chance in hell I would show my face at that wedding."
"You and your siblings should spend the day with your mom celebrating the fact that he's not her problem anymore. NTA." ~ Wonderful_Horror7315
"I am in an extremely similar situation to you, almost eerily similar in the details--parents' 30-year marriage, him cheating the entire marriage, and now wanting to marry the latest of his mistresses."
"It is an incredibly tricky thing to navigate."
"I think some of the other commenters on here haven't been in this situation before and don't understand how confusing and painful it is."
'This isn't just a divorce; this is a situation that has caused deep hurt for the entire family. "
"Yes, you value your relationship with your father, but you cannot ignore the havoc that he has wreaked on your mother."
"The ultimate truth of the matter is that there is no right choice, but a choice must still be made."
"In the end, I decided that I would not be able to stomach putting on a dress and plastering a smile on my face at an event that celebrates a relationship I see as truly deplorable."
"I will wish him congratulations, maybe even send a card, but I will not be present for the wedding."
"NTA, and good luck, OP."
"Whatever you decide, please know that you are not a villain." ~ w0rldwalker
"NAH. I mean, your dad's obviously TA for how he treated your mom, but he's not TA for inviting you to the wedding or asking you to be part of the wedding."
"You're not TA for wanting to avoid the wedding entirely."
"You do need to make a decision and communicate quickly, though." ~ ColdFIREBaker
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
You have every right not attend this wedding.
Your relationship with your dad is fractured, by his own doing.
He is just going to have to understand that.
Good Luck.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.