When marriages crumble, the effects can be long-lasting.
Children, no matter the age, can carry pain from divorce forever.
It can be especially difficult when fault can be validly placed on one of the partners.
And when parents remarry, it's not always the most joyful occasion.
In fact, another marriage can make everything even more awkward.
Redditor Successful_Pair1753 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not wanting to go to my dad's wedding since he's marrying the woman he cheated on my mom with?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (29 M[ale]) dad was married to my mom for about 30 years."
"He wasn't the best husband at all."
"He had a pattern of cheating and being extremely disrespectful throughout their entire relationship."
"I'm glad they got a divorce because they were never good together."
"Mainly, he wasn't good to her."
"I normally wouldn't care about him getting married again, but he's literally getting married to the last woman that he cheated on my mom with."
"This woman also has the same name as my mom… I don't even know what I will refer to her as."
"I still haven't met her and don't feel like I want to."
"My siblings have told him that they're not going to the wedding."
"I've avoided the convo with him for the most part, but he recently asked me to be a part of the wedding... just odd. Very, very odd."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not wanting to go?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. He is most likely struggling to explain why none of his children wants anything to do with him."
"Let him continue this struggle." ~ redd-junkie
"Exactly, asking you to be in the wedding is probably trying to compensate for his other kids being absent."
"He has the relationship with his kids that he created, NTA." ~ SafetyFluid8535
"NTA. A wedding invitation is not a summons, and you're under no obligation to support someone who clearly hurt the people you care about." ~ nikkesen
"NTA --- I wouldn't want to participate in a wedding with my dad marrying someone he cheated with outside his marriage."
"Infidelity." ~ myst3ryAURORA_green
"NTA. You have no obligation to support your father in this."
"If you're uncomfortable, don't go."
"You're grown."
"Do what feels right for you."
"It might get weird because you're the last of his children to decline to be a part of his wedding."
"He might be more upset with you simply because you were his last hope of legitimizing his affair by being at the wedding." ~ Lopsided_Tomatillo27
"Someone has to be last."
"Stuff this cheating A-hole and let him get married alone with no support from his family because frankly it sounds like he doesn't deserve the support." ~ Sythian
"NTA, tell Dad you're busy, but you'll be sure to catch the next wedding!"
"Of course, the woman he cheated with, he will cheat on."
"And she won't be able to understand!" ~ RemoteViewingLife
"NTA. If he presses the issue, tell him, 'Why should we show your wedding any respect?'"
"'You didn't even show any respect to your own marriage with mom.'" ~ Revo63
"NTA. I wouldn't go in this situation."
"My dad had a 6-month-long affair with his former high school sweetheart."
"They both married someone else, raised families."
"Her husband eventually divorced her, so she sought out my dad."
"My mom discovered the affair (a whole other story), and they divorced after 20 years of marriage."
"He never talked to any of us kids - we were all upper teens at the time."
"He just disappeared."
"Flash forward about a year later, and he calls to invite me to dinner."
"Wary, I asked who would be there."
"He named himself, my siblings, and finally added 'Jane.'"
"Acting innocent, I asked who is Jane?'"
"I actually knew because my cousin had filled me in."
"I wanted him to have to say her name."
"After a lot of stammering, he finally admitted she was his girlfriend."
"I went off on him, telling what a coward he was, not even bothering to talk to any of us kids when he moved out, cheating on our mom, etc."
"After I was done with my rant, I told him, 'This is the last time I will ever bring up your infidelity.'"
"You'd better treat Mom well in the divorce."
"He and Jane got married shortly after."
"I never called her my stepmother."
"She was my dad's wife."
"I was always cordial towards her, but not close."
"They ended up being married longer than my parents were and were good together."
"I lost respect for my dad, but ended up having a decent relationship with him."
"I'm glad I spoke my mind and made him admit what he'd done."
"Many years later, my mom was very sick, and we were helping her financially."
"My dad gifted her a large sum of money to help her."
"I never expected that, but was pleased that he did."
"My dad and his wife passed away just a few months apart."
"I'm sorry you are faced with this."
"There is no reason for you to celebrate this relationship."
"But over time, I hope you can find a good place to exist in it." ~ Technograndma
"Wow, thank you for sharing your story."
"It's a great example of how complex these types of incidents can be, particularly navigating and moving forward when such betrayals occur."
"I hope things turned out well for your Mom as well and she found her own peace and happiness." ~ Ok-Acanthaceae5744
"NTA. I would tell him that she will never be in the same room with you, and he needs to accept that." ~ gloryhokinetic
"Nope. It's called ethics."
"You have some."
"He doesn't."
"Also, 75% of affairs end in divorce."
"Very difficult if you don't only know your partner cheated but did it many times."
"So stats say this will probably not last."
"Tell him you have a prior engagement."
"Then take your mom out on a splurge day."
"Gift card to get her hair and nails done (because that has eroded her femininity for decades), then fancy dinner... whatever makes her happy and lasts for hours."
"Not only are you avoiding this situation with your dad, but you are honoring the person who deserves it on a day she will most likely have lots of strong emotions." ~ jillblue22
"LOL... absolutely not."
"He wants you to go so it looks like his children have accepted this obscenity."
"I don't care how old or young I am, you're not going to disrespect my mama, cheat on her after she put up with your bulls**t for 3 decades, raised your children, cleaned your fu**ing sh*t off the toilet, took care of you while you were ill, washed your nasty drawers and generally built a life for you to enjoy and then expect me to attend the wedding of the homewrecker you found to replace her with."
"And to be clear, he's a homewrecker too."
"I don't care that the home was already wrecked and should've already been torn down."
"Absolutely the fu**ity f**k not. NTA." ~ HuhWelliNever
"Tell him you'll consider going to his next wedding to an affair partner if your schedule allows, but that you'll sit this one out."
"But for real, you can simply decline and leave it at that. NTA." ~ paul_rudds_drag_race
"NTA. Don't go, if it's causing you this much grief."
"Just know that the wife isn't going away (at least no time soon) and that ginormous elephant of unresolved trauma is still going to be in the room whether or not you attend." ~ Nuiwzgrrl1448
"NTA not at all!!!!"
"If you don't feel like going, absolutely do not go."
"Personally, I would not choose to be a part of the wedding either."
"I think that's a really low blow on his part to even ask that of you."
"This is not a day for you."
"It shouldn't be a day for them either."
"Maybe you can do something with your mom on this day."
"Go out together and don't talk about the wedding."
"Just have a nice, relaxing day out."
"Get some coffee, go shopping, go out for lunch, go bowling, do something." ~ Firefly_Magic
"There's not a chance in hell I would show my face at that wedding."
"You and your siblings should spend the day with your mom celebrating the fact that he's not her problem anymore. NTA." ~ Wonderful_Horror7315
"I am in an extremely similar situation to you, almost eerily similar in the details--parents' 30-year marriage, him cheating the entire marriage, and now wanting to marry the latest of his mistresses."
"It is an incredibly tricky thing to navigate."
"I think some of the other commenters on here haven't been in this situation before and don't understand how confusing and painful it is."
'This isn't just a divorce; this is a situation that has caused deep hurt for the entire family. "
"Yes, you value your relationship with your father, but you cannot ignore the havoc that he has wreaked on your mother."
"The ultimate truth of the matter is that there is no right choice, but a choice must still be made."
"In the end, I decided that I would not be able to stomach putting on a dress and plastering a smile on my face at an event that celebrates a relationship I see as truly deplorable."
"I will wish him congratulations, maybe even send a card, but I will not be present for the wedding."
"NTA, and good luck, OP."
"Whatever you decide, please know that you are not a villain." ~ w0rldwalker
"NAH. I mean, your dad's obviously TA for how he treated your mom, but he's not TA for inviting you to the wedding or asking you to be part of the wedding."
"You're not TA for wanting to avoid the wedding entirely."
"You do need to make a decision and communicate quickly, though." ~ ColdFIREBaker
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
You have every right not attend this wedding.
Your relationship with your dad is fractured, by his own doing.
He is just going to have to understand that.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp