Traveling with family isn't always easy.
There can be a lot of demands and expectations.
And vacations aren't cheap.
This is why so many people travel alone.
Redditor kraftmacnchees wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to go on a 3 and a half week long vacation with my family?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (20 F[emale]) work casual retail in Australia."
"Late last year, my parents invited me on a 3.5-week family trip to Japan for December 2026."
"I initially said no because December is the busiest retail period, I don’t get paid leave, and missing almost a month of work would mean losing thousands in income."
"After I explained this several times, my parents repeatedly promised they’d pay for my flights and accommodation."
"They said all I’d need to cover was food and spending money because what mattered to them most was having the whole family there- essentially that money wasn’t a problem."
"Based on that, I agreed."
"This year, they suddenly changed their minds and told me I now had to pay for flights and accommodation."
"I reminded them I only agreed because of the original promise, but they said I’m an adult and should contribute."
"I’ve been saving almost all of my income to get my license and buy my first car."
"I commute 2-2.5 hours each way to work and university by public transport, and I’ve had multiple experiences of men sexually harassing me on buses."
"A car isn’t just a convenience for me—it’s something I’ve been working towards for safety and independence; my parents are not aware I’m saving for one."
"In the past 6 months, I’ve had more than a dozen instances of men harassing and following me late at night at stations."
"I also don’t actually want to go on this trip."
"I’ve turned down trips with friends and my B[oy]F[riend] because I’d rather finish university and keep saving."
"I only agreed because of the arrangement my parents offered."
"I suggested a compromise: I’d come for one week and fly home alone so we could still have family time while I didn’t lose nearly a month’s income."
"They refused and said it was all or nothing."
"They’ve now told me that if I don’t go, I’m not allowed to stay in the family home while they’re away, and that it’s 'not their problem' if I have nowhere else to stay."
"Mind you, they don’t know I’m saving for a car."
"They say this isn’t punishment for refusing the trip, but because they don’t trust me to be home alone."
"Their reasons are two incidents."
"About seven years ago, as a teenager, I accidentally fell asleep while boiling water."
"It was dangerous, and I completely accept that."
"At the time, I had severe insomnia that was later diagnosed and treated with medication after I became an adult, and it has never happened again."
"The second incident was earlier this year when my mum blamed me for leaving a hair curler plugged into the wall."
"I maintain it wasn’t mine because I didn’t even own a curler at the time, but they believed my sister instead."
"They say these incidents prove I’m too irresponsible to stay home alone."
"My parents, sister, and several relatives all think I’m being selfish and unreasonable."
"My aunt even said I should be grateful they considered my compromise because, in her house, there wouldn’t have been one."
The OP was left to wonder:
"I understand they wanted a family holiday, but I feel like I only agreed because of a promise they later withdrew. AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA at all."
"Your parents are bullies."
"Don't go."
"Save your money and move out as soon as possible."
"Good luck."
"I'm sorry your family sucks." ~ Notsospinningplates
"NTA. I'm sorry you face so much harassment while using public transport, but honestly, I didn't even need to hear your reasoning for wanting a car because missing almost an entire month of pay is more than enough reason to not want to go on such a long trip."
"It's really absurd that you are trying to be responsible, figuring out your own transport and focusing on school, and your family expects, now, demands that you skip a month of work for a family vacation, while obviously showing zero concern about the financial and physical safety of one member (YOU) of said family." ~ KatKaleen
"NTA. My mother was like this about the last Christmas I spent with them."
"I'd only recently started a new job, had only accrued a few vacation days, and I spent ALL of them to go to my grandparents' for Christmas."
"I was only able to stay about 3 days, plus it was an 8-hour drive."
"She was mad that I couldn't be there a week before and after Christmas, never mind that I was the lowest employee in my pool, so I got last choice of when to be out, because someone had to be around for coverage."
"'Next year, I expect AT LEAST a week,' was her angry statement."
"My entire VACATION AND sick time allotment for the entire year."
"I tried to explain, she told me to take it unpaid, and they would make up my lost wages."
"When I pointed out that the company wouldn't let me do that, she told me to quit and move back home."
"I'm sure she still wonders why we haven't spoken in about 20 years." ~ ScroochDown
"Why is it that so many parents would rather ruin the holidays than treat their adult children as adults?"
"My parents think I must attend their Christmas."
"They also think it is absolutely NOT necessary to include me in the discussion on where or when we will celebrate."
"It got to the point where they didn't even bother to inform me of the plans when they changed a couple of weeks before the holiday."
"That was when I stopped bothering to attend."
"They have been upset at me about the holidays ever since."
"I have had low stress, no travel, peaceful holidays ever since." ~ NotMe739
"My job requires 50% staffing during holidays."
"So your mother thinking that you'd be able to take two weeks off during Christmas and New Year is probably unrealistic."
"NTA. Don't let your mother's speech affect how you feel about anything."
"Just take everything she says with a grain of salt." ~ ImaginaryPark6311
"NTA. But your parents are."
"Pay for accommodation (Airbnb, budget hotel) near work or uni while your family is away."
"It will, unfortunately, still cost you, but you will be able to work."
"And then consider if there is any way you can move out in the near future and start building your own life."
"You have work and uni going for you."
"You're capable of saving money."
"I'm sure you have a bright future ahead of you."
"But unfortunately, you have to build this future on your own 'cause your family is a-h*les."
"Stop listening to them and do what is right for you." ~ Exciting-Pie4985
"NTA. Especially since there's a damn good chance that if you said no shifts in December in a retail job, you'd never get shifts again."
"So you'd be losing a lot more than one month's pay."
"That said, I'd start considering how you can move out."
"Permanent work, share house, whatever it takes."
"You already know that they're vindictive enough to illegally kick you out of your home."
"You're an adult and a tenant; look up your rights to access to your home."
"They can't just suddenly lock you out, BUT if you bring this up, there is a chance they're going to decide you can no longer live there permanently."
"And there's more than enough time between now and Christmas for that." ~ cir49c29
"NTA! I hated it when a parent made promises that were switchy-changey!"
"Look, 3.5 weeks for a hotel in Australia (maybe closer to your job) would cost less than 3.5 weeks in a hotel in Japan, and airfare, and outings, and restaurants for all your food!"
"You would also get to work the whole time!"
"You could even ask some friends if you could stay with them. Offer to pay something, but less than you'd pay at a hotel."
"Everyone could use a little extra at Christmas!"
"Your parents need to make up their minds, too!"
"Either you are a responsible and productive adult who can afford to pay for a 3.5 week international vacation while not getting paid, or you're a little kid who can't stay home alone!"
"You can't be both!" ~ fromhelley
NTA. Your parents ragebaited you hard and should feel bad for manipulating you, at a time where there is a global cost of living crisis, and the next generations are fubar'd in terms of wealth, and you are doing your best to be financially responsible." ~ Legitimate-Pen-9553
"NTA. Your parents are completely A*s!"
"It even makes it seem like they don't actually want to have you on the holiday, they just don't even like you, or trust you to stay at home by yourself."
"Those conditions are insane, and I hope you are already working out how to extract yourself from the family ASAP." ~ VeryFluffy
"Why haven't you told them you're saving up for a car?"
"Do they know about the sexual harassment???"
"NTA, your family has its head in the clouds."
"How on earth can they expect a 20-year-old still in school to pay for almost a month's trip to Japan, or anywhere!"
OP, focus on your studies, on saving for your car, and your future.
Why go on a trip anyway if you're going to be surrounded by people who both infantilize you and think you have money to burn?" ~ RollingKatamari
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your family let you down.
Keep saving your coins.
Head towards your freedom.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp