When visiting another person’s home, it’s usually best to follow the house rules.
A visitor may not agree with said rules, but it’s not the visitor’s house.
One thing that tends to drive hosts crazy is when a guest tells them what’s best for their own space.
When a visitor takes it upon themself to fix or change up things, that doesn’t always go over well.
This is especially true when the visitor is family.
Case in point…
Redditor Ok_Lavishness_3277 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for asking my mother to leave because she won’t stop wasting my food?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My baby sister just had a baby and our mom came to help.”
“My sister and her husband live in a tiny apartment with no room for my mom.”
“I agreed to let her stay with me since I live only eight blocks away. It’s walkable.”
“My plan was to Uber her over in the morning and pick her up after work.”
“I only eat one meal a day during the week. Supper.”
“I have coffee for breakfast and some fruit for lunch.”
“On Saturday I treat myself to a good breakfast and on Sundays, I take the woman I’m dating for brunch.”
“My mother decided that this was unacceptable.”
“She got up early and went through my fridge and freezer to make me breakfast.”
“I told her that I appreciate it but that I do not usually eat breakfast.”
“She said that was stupid.”
“I very clearly communicated to her that she was welcome to eat anything in my home but to please not make me breakfast as it was a waste.”
“She made breakfast the following day.”
“I walked out without eating it.”
“I figured worst case scenario I could eat it for supper.”
“She threw it out since I didn’t eat it.”
“I told her once more to please not waste my food.”
“She made breakfast for me the next day.”
“I asked her if she was developing dementia.”
“She is wasting my food for no good reason. “
“I’m not poor or anything but wasting food is a pet peeve of mine. “
“She said I was being ungrateful for her help and she was doing it to be nice since I was letting her stay with me.”
“I explained to her again that I did not need, want, require, or desire breakfast during the week.”
“She said she understood.”
“She made me breakfast the next day.”
“I had had enough.”
“I took her luggage with me when I dropped her off at my sister’s home.”
“I told my doorman that my guest was no longer welcome.”
“I got so many messages from her and my sister all day long.”
“Even my dad called me to ask me to change my mind. I said no.”
“He had to drive up and rent an Airbnb close to my sister because my mom was too scared to stay by herself.”
“He’s retired so he didn’t miss work or anything.”
“My sister came over alone to talk to me.”
“She said I was being a complete a** and that I could afford the food my mom was wasting.”
“I said I could but that I didn’t want to.”
“She literally used up two month’s worth of my food.”
“She made up huge breakfasts that I didn’t even eat.”
“I keep all my bacon in individual servings.”
“She thawed out three for every breakfast.”
“One for her and two for me.”
“And I ate zero.”
“My father has asked me to let her back in.”
“I said I would under the condition that she understand that my food is completely off limits to her.”
“She can pay for her own food.”
“I said I would make room in the fridge and freezer for her.”
“She said I was being ridiculous and petty.”
“So my dad is staying neutral but my mom and sister think I’m a jacka**.”
“My girlfriend thinks the whole thing is hilarious and refuses to get involved.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Sounds more like your mother was initiating a power play, and that she would have continued wasting your food (which she KNEW bothered you, but that was the point) until you capitulated.”
“Then she would have ‘won.'”
“You throwing her out was inconvenient, so of course you had to be the Bad Guy.”
“But that shouldn’t have been necessary if your mother had been the least bit reasonable.”
“People tend to take the easier route and asking a reasonable person to capitulate is much easier than asking an unreasonable person to be reasonable.” ~ PendragonINTJ
“My mom pulled this exact same crap with me with almost the exact same conversation, only she was insisting on doing my laundry.”
“She shrunk or bleached all my favorite stuff.”
“I had to hide my clothes.” ~ REDDIT
“My husband’s mom did this for ages.”
“Whenever we would stay there she would make this huge breakfast, even after telling her So. Many. Times.”
“That we really don’t eat until lunchtime.”
“Just coffee, please.”
“We’ve been married for 15+ years and have stayed there countless times for holidays and such.”
“The last 3 times we were there, SHE DIDN’T MAKE BREAKFAST!!!”
“Though I mostly think it’s because she did this weight loss thing and HER habits changed. But still.” ~ domestipithecus
“So since OP freezes in individual servings and she would defrost 1 for herself and 2 for OP then she used 12 days of food just to make those 4 breakfasts and threw out 8 days’ worth because she refused to listen to her ADULT CHILD about their own dietary needs.”
“OP I would also add to your conditions her paying you back for the wasted food and when your father or sister try to get you to cave, send them the bill for her wasted food and let them know they will also be financially responsible if she breaks the rules again and touches your food.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“She’s trying to mother a grown adult.”
“It’s not dementia, she just refuses to accept her little boy grew up and has his own life. NTA.” ~ somerandomshmo
“Entirely agree. The ‘control’ theories would be a lot more compelling if she were angry or employed emotional abuse to get him to eat the breakfasts—e.g., ‘You hate my cooking,’ ‘You must not want me to be here,’ ‘You don’t want to sit and eat with me.'”
“You could argue she was betting on his frugality, but she also could have easily made that argument, as many manipulators would—e.g., ‘Well, if you ate them they wouldn’t be wasted!’—but she never does.”
“Instead it’s exactly what you describe.”
“Every time it’s the same: She seems to more or less accept his reaction and then not twelve hours later when she’s taking the bacon out of the fridge does it occur to her she had a serious conversation about that literally yesterday.”
“I know some will be forever convinced she’s on some sort of power trip but this story reeks of mental rut, confusion, reduced concentration, and short-term memory issues.” ~ aemondstareye
“Covert narcissists do this.”
“You say one thing, they agree, but ignore it, then do what they want anyway.”
“They don’t always pull out the guilt trips every time.”
“Ignoring what you people say is often an effective manipulation technique to get what you want and maintain the illusion you’re not an a**hole/control freak.”
“They wear you down.”
“But they’re well-meaning, but they’re just worried, but it’s a stressful situation for them, but they’re just excited about (big life event).”
“My mom has been doing this my whole life.”
“Now that she’s in her 70s everyone is all, oh maybe it’s dementia.”
“Well, it wasn’t for the past 40-50 years of me and my siblings’ life.”
“If she got called out there was always some weak excuse.”
“Well, but I thought… Just one of the many narcissistic things she does of course.”
“I’m N[o] C[ontact], siblings are L[ow] C[ontact], no one trusts her to be alone with anyone’s kids or spouses.” ~ Liverne_and_Shirley
“It’s control. Not dementia.”
“Not wanting to have her little boy back (except in the sense that she could control him when he was a little boy, and that’s the feeling that she wants back).”
“If he gives in and eats breakfast she wins!”
“She has made him submit to her authority as his Mom.” ~ strangr55
“NTA. You’re a grown adult, you’re allowed to set boundaries between yourself and your parents, and you’re allowed to have as much distance between them as you want when they’ve been violating those boundaries.”
“Your mother wasn’t respecting the way you live, so now she’s no longer a part of that. simple.”
“Whilst I do think breakfast’s an important meal, I’d be a hypocrite to agree with her as I skip it too.”
“I do intermittent fasting, so I also only have one meal a day (late afternoon/early evening).”
“As long as you’re having a nicely portioned, nutritionally balanced meal, it’s not stupid like she suggests, it’s backed up by nutritionists and dieticians.”
“Not to mention the food waste – if she isn’t paying for something, it’s rude of her to throw it away.”
“She can sort out her living situation herself since she clearly doesn’t care to show some respect to you when you’ve kindly let her stay with you and already tried to explain your issues, which she refused to listen to.” ~ Odd_Visual_3951
“NTA. And tell your mom this.”
“It’s my house my rules.”
“You know the one they used to say to you when you were growing up.” ~ Still_Actuator_8316
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your house. Your rules. Your menus.
With the amount of hungry people in the world, any waste of food is unacceptable.
If your mom wants to stay with you, she needs to make some changes.