Flying is not for everybody.
A lot of nervous flyers have prescriptions or mantras that keep them calm.
One very effective tool is a flying buddy or loved one who can talk a person through the moment.
But even those people have their limits.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for ignoring my husband during our flight when he expressed anxiety over flying?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 33 F[emale] recently married my husband 30 M[ale] and we took a 3-hour flight to Mexico for our honeymoon."
"I fly a lot for my job, so I have racked up a lot of miles."
"My husband isn't a big fan of flying, though he has gotten better and tends to just hold my hand and close his eyes during take-off and landing (mostly okay when in the air)."
"When I booked our flights I requested to use my points if an upgrade to business class became available."
"But made it clear I only wanted this upgrade if two seats became available and then basically forgot about it."
"Then comes the day of our flight."
"I was so excited for this trip, I checked us in online, and all was going well, and then when we went to board the person scanning out boarding passes stopped us."
"She says it seems that my husband was upgraded to business class, but ONLY him and asks if that is okay."
"I immediately say no, we are on our honeymoon and would like to stay together."
"But then my husband jumps in and says, 'No it's fine, I'll go to business class!'"
"I look at him in complete shock and he tells me that I fly all the time and have been in business class before, but he hasn't."
"So he deserves a chance to experience it."
"I see we are holding up the line, so I feel like I just need to agree and get on the plane."
"To say I am pissed off is an understatement."
"He is all smiles, taking his seat and I go back to my seat where they sit me next to an old woman with a baby on her lap where my husband should be sitting."
"Within maybe 5-10 minutes of sitting there, trying to hold back tears because my husband left me alone on our flight during our honeymoon (and uses MY points for his upgrade, no less), he starts to text me saying he feels anxiety over flying."
"I ignore the texts and stop looking at my phone."
"Within maybe an hour after we are in the air, he comes to the back of the plane to find me, offers me half of his business class breakfast, and asks me why I was ignoring him."
"That he was scared and needed me to tell him it'd be okay since I am such an experienced flyer."
"I told him maybe he should have thought about that before leaving me alone before our honeymoon even really began."
"He gets angry and tells me that this may be the only time he gets to fly business class, and he was giving me half his breakfast to make up for it."
"So I could at least be supportive of his genuine fear."
"I roll my eyes, sarcastically say 'Thanks' and he goes back up to his seat."
"When we landed, I tried to move on and forget about it so that we could enjoy our honeymoon."
"But he guilt-tripped me about not comforting him via text before take-off and now I am wondering if I am being unreasonable and should have just let him enjoy his time in business class and ensure him it'd be okay."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Your husband is upset that you were not considerate of his feelings, but he also doesn't think he has to be considerate of yours."
"I live by the rule that if you want people to love and care for you, don't purposefully make it harder for them to do so."
"That means don't test people's love, don't play hard to get, don't be an a**hole, and if the specific need you have is comfort for fear of flying, don't piss the person off and banish them to economy class while you suffer in business class."
"Seriously, you have every right to be mad, and I honestly think your husband knows that and is trying to pretend this is your fault, or else he isn't the brightest bulb. NTA." ~ ExemplaryVeggietable
"I would complain to the company that your points were removed."
"You didn't get the upgrade."
"Tell them what you were advised by the booking agent and that you had not agreed to your points being used."
"Your husband is a jerk for ditching you and then expecting you to still be his support."
"He wanted to be alone, so he gets to cope alone." ~ Jacce76
"A lot of airlines have been holding back on upgrading frequent fliers lately the explanation is that we know what business class is like already."
"By giving an upgrade to someone who always flies economy, the thought is that they might get a taste for upgrading."
"As to what happened here, OP is NTA at all."
"Husband should have absolutely declined the upgrade to sit with his wife on THEIR HONEYMOON!"
"Honestly OP, I'd have been tempted to sleep on a couch or fold out the whole trip-leaving husband with his upgraded bed. Alone." ~ HRProf2020
"OP, the title made me think this was gonna be a bad thing… but the only AH is your husband, NOT you!"
"I am terrified of heights (I had a bad accident years ago that has stuck with me, so I get fear), but I would never use MY fear as a way to control someone else or guilt someone else."
"I would also never steal my partner's points for anything (unless it's fuel points….gas is waaaaay too expensive! lol)."
"I would've told you that could go if you want, because, in my opinion, I'd want to make your flight as best as possible for you… but I'm the type of guy who can put headphones on and ignore everything."
"NTA. Don't let him guilt you."
"If this was the flight TO the honeymoon, I can't help but wonder: how much more will he do crap like this to make you feel bad to get his way?" ~ NeartAgusOnoir
"NTA. Your husband made a really questionable decision and he was essentially having to live with the consequence of the decision."
"He jumped at the chance to sit - alone - in biz class and I guess it didn't occur to him how evidently very reliant he is on you during flying."
"Regardless of his phobia, he's a grown man, and it seems like he made it through takeoff just fine if he was asking your help when he'd already been served food."
"It's like he was using his need for you as a weapon, to make you feel obligated to forgive him for making a pretty shi**y choice given that it was your honeymoon." ~ owls_and_cardinals
"100% I HATE flying and, if with my partner, can chat through take off."
"For that reason alone, I'd never leave them behind."
"And of course, cos it's a shi**y thing to do anyway!"
"That said, I do, and have, flown alone many times as I like traveling."
"However, my mindset then is very different from when I've got company."
"If my brain has planned for company, no way I'm flying solo!!"
"OP's hubby is an AH."
"Made a selfish choice and is now trying to weasel his way out of the consequences." ~ Fabulous_Cow_4550
"Not to be harsh, but I think that's still a him thing."
"I grew up poor, and without wanting to sound disgustingly self-righteous, I'd like to think if it taught me anything other than how sh*t wealth inequality is, it's that there are more important things than stuff like flying business class."
"The anxiety about having a well-paying job I can empathize with, but this particular situation he was being a peanut."
"(You're NTA)." ~ Tatterjacket
"NTA - this is hilarious because this exact same thing happened to my husband and I on our honeymoon."
"We argued about who should take it (both insisting the OTHER person should take it) and then eventually decided on trading seats halfway through the flight."
"It was great."
"We both got to enjoy first class, and then we had a fantastic honeymoon."
"I also have anxiety flying, texted my husband about it from first class, and he talked me down."
"You guys don't really seem like you're in a partnership at all." ~ goodytwotoes
"NTA. It was selfish and childish of your husband to take the business class seat when you made it clear you wanted to sit together, it's your honeymoon after all."
"It's even more childish of him to need you to virtually hold his hand during the flight - if he needed that reassurance, he could have sat with you!" ~ coffeemom23
OP came back to answer a few questions...
"We have flown together three times in the past (Florida, Vegas, and Europe) and made a deal to alternate if one of us had a middle seat."
"I think the flight was overbooked, and they just upgraded a random person in a middle seat to business so they could fit more people in economy."
"I have a status that allows me to use 500 points to upgrade if the seats are available."
"Usually I don't bother putting myself on the upgrade list, but the agent I spoke to on the phone said she could ensure we'd be upgraded as a couple or not at all."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. Those were your points.
And it does feel a little odd that he wouldn't want to sit next to you on your honeymoon.
Hopefully, you two can get past this.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp