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Guy Breaks Up With Fiancée After Her Confession About Their ‘Vanilla’ Sex Life Leaves Him Reeling

Man and woman arguing in bed
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We all know that sex and money can negatively impact a relationship, but we often don’t think of the ways in which a person might sabotage their relationship on purpose.

Namely, if a person has specific interests in the bedroom and their partner refuses to even try for them, that would be a relationship deal breaker for many, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor Ok_Bodybuilder_8414 was unsure what to do when his relationship seemed incredibly one-sided in the bedroom.

When she said that she was refusing by choice, the Original Poster (OP) decided the relationship was insalvageable.

He asked the sub:

“AITAH for breaking up with my fiancée after she told me she could give me the best sex of my life but does not want to?”

The OP had concerns about how his fiancée was contributing to the relationship.

“I (27 Male) was together with my ex-fiancée (27 Female) for three years. We had an overall good relationship, but I would say the problematic part was the intimacy.”

“She was not into trying out new things and was very selfish in bed. I went above and beyond to pleasure her while she did not reciprocate.”

“I had many discussions about it with her but all she said was ‘that’s how I am.'”

“Well, I came to learn it was just how she was with me.”

The OP tried to have a straight-forward conversation with her about it.

“I had a talk with her about it and asked if she was forced to do non-vanilla things in her past relationships. She told me no and she actually liked these.”

“I asked her if there was a problem from my side and if there were things I could do better to make her more passionate. She told me there was no problem.”

“I asked her why she did not put any effort in bed then. She told me, ‘I can rock your world, but I just do not want to.'”

The OP didn’t see a way forward after that.

“I understood this issue will not be resolved in the future either, and I do not want to settle for that kind of thing. I cannot force her to do something she does not want to so we are just incompatible in the end.”

“I told her it was over and she should pack things her to leave the house.”

“She was surprised for some reason and tried to convince me. She tried to have families convince me but I was firm on my decision.”

“She left the house today and has been texting me non-stop.”

“AITAH here?”

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some reassured the OP that he did the right thing and that he wasn’t compatible with his ex.

“NTA. She took you for granted, that’s all.”

“Being a couple is always about reciprocity, you can’t be selfish like this and actually expect your significant other to be fine with it. Both of you are just too incompatible and this isn’t how a relationship works.”

“Perhaps she thought you’d never dare to leave her over this, or she never loved you as much, I don’t know, but the behavior you describe is awful, selfish, and narcissistic.” – Certain-Thoughts-531

“NTA. ‘Can but don’t want to’ is so telling. It’s all about her.”

“It sounds like this was also brought up in regards to more vanilla as well as more daring. Her not wanting to make it a good time for you in any capacity is selfish and means that you aren’t compatible.”

“You deserve to be with someone who is able to, wants to, and enjoys making your sex life great for the both of you, not just themself.”

“Good luck in the future.” – wineandsmut

“NTA, honestly sounds like she doesn’t find you attractive and/or truly loved you, she just decided to settle. What kind of a person intentionally denies their partner happiness? Im not saying she had to rock your world every night, but in your whole relationship, she hasn’t ‘tried’ during sex even once? That says a lot.”

“In three years, she hasn’t put in the effort for sex even once and she seems to be proud of it. This isn’t an issue with incompatibility, because she hasn’t even tried. OP also asked her why/what’s wrong, and she didn’t communicate that she wants him to be more aggressive in bed.” – Sinnerlxin

“NTA. She has such an odd attitude towards intimacy with you, it doesn’t make sense. You would think both parties would want to have life-changing sex together forever.” – CrabbiestAsp

“She’s a different person in that she settled for a stable life with you, but you don’t turn her on. So in exchange for stability and safety, she forces herself to let you f**k her once in a while, while secretly wishing it was someone else d**king her down. You made the right choice.” – tush_push_62

“Let’s face it, she’s most likely just crap in bed. People don’t go from being great in bed to being bad. Being good in bed requires enthusiasm, communication, and actually enjoying being adventurous. If she’s saying she’s only good in bed for the sake of her partners, then she was most likely never great in bed to begin with.”

“This honestly just sounds like a bit of a sad flex on her part. Sort of like ‘I could be a movie star if I wanted to, I just don’t want to,’ and then never amounting to much of anything.” – Correct_Government28

“NTA. ‘And I could put up with it, but I won’t.'”

“She made a unilateral decision to ensure your sex-life sucks, so you can make a unilateral decision to ensure her love-life with stops completely. It’s entirely fair. It’s the very essence of fairness.” – ContributionOrnery29

“I dated someone like this. She liked to talk about her adventurous past but because she felt ‘confident and comfortable’ with me she felt no need to put in work. She still expected me to put in work. Getting out was the right decision for you, the selfish behavior only got worse and I wasted several years of my life.” – Mean-Faithlessness-40

Others agreed and felt the OP’s ex was just using him.

“Ha, NTA. Sorry to say, but you were the ‘safe’ option, bud. You were her provider and someone to put a ring on it. Do not go back to her. That horse s**t was a power play to make you dote on her. It was a bargaining chip.”

“You should be with someone who WANTS to rock your world. They exist, bud. When you find her, my advice is to stay hydrated.” – Confident-Street-958

“Any partner who says, under any situation, not just sexual, ‘I hear you, I could easily do something for you, but I don’t want to’ is out in my mind.” – zonked828

“Bro… like seriously? She flat-out told you that she could rock your world… but nahhh… she doesn’t want to? What the f**k?”

“Why the h**l would you marry someone like that? She sounds like a total one-way. Kick that to the curb.”

“NTA. She’s got this game a** backwards. She’s supposed to be rocking your world now… that’s what causes most marriage proposals. The power trip s**t usually comes AFTER she traps you, not before. What a strange woman. Glad you got out when you did.” – fughedabowdit

“She’s the a**hole for taunting you about it. If she genuinely didn’t want to do those things (whether because of trauma or preference), and you broke up because of it, then no a**holes. It would’ve been a compatibility issue. Now, it’s a ‘she’s the AH’ issue for throwing it back in your face.” – thecountessolenska1

“I’m sure she’s not even capable of anything beyond mediocre sex regardless of the partner, but she wanted to make herself look better than she is and in the process made herself look like a sh*t partner.” – LegalNebula4797

“NTA. She is withholding sex as a bargaining unit. I doubt she truly can give you anything earth-shuttering; she’s just playing you to keep you around as a placeholder.”

“She doesn’t intend to follow through with her teasing, just using (imaginary great) sex as a weapon. If she’s teasing you so much that you are so turned on that you are losing your mind, that’s not fair. In fact, it’s just cruel.”

“AKA: she’s manipulating you. She has an agenda. She wants power over you, it is based on power and control. I know people who do that, and then the normal person is like boi bye, your [privates] are not magical, and then they give you the Pikachu surprised face.” – SkillFlimsy191

The subReddit was left shaking their heads at this one while also reassuring the OP that it was okay to walk away over something like this.

Though we might want to try to make things work out, especially since bedroom activities are something that could be worked on, it doesn’t change the fact that it might still be hopeless.

Based on the OP’s ex’s reaction to his inquiries and her refusal to work on the situation or apologize for how she was making him feel, it seemed this was likely not to work out, no matter how hard the OP himself might try to work on it.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan has been a part of the George Takei family since 2019 when she wrote some of her favorite early pieces: Sesame Street introducing its first character who lived in foster care and Bruce Willis delivering a not-so-Die-Hard opening pitch at a Phillies game. She's gone on to write nearly 3,000 viral and trending stories for George Takei, Comic Sands, Percolately, and ÜberFacts. With an unstoppable love for the written word, she's also an avid reader, poet, and indie novelist.