Marriages take work.
They take talk and serious communication.
Not everybody is good at these issues.
Eventually, feelings and truth need to be heard... by anybody.
Redditor soggydivacup found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her feelings about her marriage, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for pushing back on husband who tried to pass off a gift for himself as a Mother's Day gift for me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I am 26 F[emale] and have been with my husband 29 M[ale] for almost 4.5 years, married for almost two."
"And a rule he has felt strongly in our relationship since the beginning is that we never talk to our friends about our fights, disagreements, etc."
"So for the last 4.5 years, major arguments and hurt feelings, etc., have happened, but I bottled it up, even when I wasn’t feeling resolved."
"And I never told a soul."
"To my friends, they would think we have a perfect relationship."
"The last 4 months have been bad."
"It’s hard to put into words, but I’ve just realized I'm not being appreciated, emotionally understood, and am lacking help."
"I told him in January I’ve been really depressed, and he knows, unfortunately, he is the reason."
"And even still, I was communicating, trying to repair, trying to fix."
"And instead of him really hearing and listening to my feelings, we have been getting in more fights."
"I feel incredibly isolated."
"I told my new therapist, and she even said I needed to tell someone, anyone."
"So I told my friend."
"Then I told my husband I told my friend because I wanted to be honest."
"He pretty much went non-verbal."
"And then finally told me he’s really sad and feels I was 'disparaging' him to my friend."
"That I broke the rule."
"And that he feels they 'can no longer be friends.'"
"Which is interesting to me because if my friend won’t be friends with you for something you did, then what makes you think I’ll stay?"
"The overall sentiment of the rule I understand, but I don’t know if this is normal."
"I’ve been in only one other relationship."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... who is the a**hole here??"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"Hey. There is a difference between 'going to a friend for support' and 'trash talking your husband to your friend just because.'"
"Leave him, I beg." ~ stupidsprinkle
"NTA. It's your marriage just as much as it is his."
"You can tell whoever you want the truth about your marriage."
"If he thinks that would make him look bad, then that's on him for acting the way he acted."
"You did nothing wrong, and he's trying to isolate you so you don't have someone tell you how bad he treats you." ~ Vandreeson
"NTA. If he makes threats against you, particularly in writing, you can not only file a complaint with the police but also file a complaint with whatever Bar that he’s a member of (assuming you’re in the states)."
"He has a duty to uphold his profession, and the state Bar should take any evidence of his abuse seriously."
"Quite frankly, your friends could report him for you if they have evidence."
"Edit: Contact a divorce lawyer who does not know him asap to protect yourself."
"Also, none of this is legal advice; it’s just life advice." ~ noideawhatisup
"NTA, but you shouldn't be with this guy."
"You didn't 'disparage' him to your friend."
"You went to your friend for support."
"He doesn't want you to have the support of your social system."
"You've been trying to fix it with your husband, and he just doesn't listen to you." ~ mishko__
"He's not changing."
"I've been with someone who changed, and there are obvious signs when it's real."
"Firstly, it usually requires help either in reading serious books about your issues and how to fix them or seeing a therapist."
"Second, it is a really gradual process in that they aren't a different person overnight."
"It will slowly but surely improve, and there will be setbacks."
"Third, their entire thought process and accountability process change because they work to change the way their brain thinks about and solves issues."
"He's done none of the work, and his behavior is performative."
"It will go back to bad once he thinks you won't leave."
"Run, girl."
"Save yourself." ~ galaxy1985
"His telling you not to talk to your friends about your relationship is literally one of the textbook signs of abusive behavior in a partner."
"That's coercive control."
"The fact that he's so terrified that you are disparaging him or talking negatively about him shows that he also knows that he's being a jerk."
"You are in an abusive relationship."
"I know that Reddit tells people to break up, but you need to at least distance yourself from this man for a little while."
"Until you can see that he is controlling you." ~ Panda_official2713
"He is isolating you from getting any support."
"He is trying to control the situation and narrative by not allowing you to reach out to gain perspective or, God forbid, agreement with your side of things."
"His rule is unrealistic at best and punitive, controlling, and abusive at worst."
"Please listen to your therapist and not your insecure, manipulative, and controlling husband. NTA." ~ Far-Sink-2204
"My suspicious little mind thinks he forbids you to discuss problems with people outside the marriage so that he can control the narrative when you finally get sick of his sh*t and leave him."
"Since everyone will be shocked, he can lay all the blame on you. NTA." ~ Senator_Bink
"NTA. When I worked at the office, in the breakroom, people would always complain about their partners/spouses."
"I found it tiresome, but hey, that's what people do."
"I can't imagine anybody thinking that their partner is never going to talk to someone about their relationship, especially if you're having a problem."
"It isn't always about complaining/venting, you can also be asking for advice."
"I couldn't be in a relationship w/someone who said I could never talk about disagreements w/another person."
"The way you describe it, it sounds terribly unhealthy; a guaranteed way to foster resentment." ~ stroppo
"His being a lawyer adds an entire new level. He knows what is more likely to seem like an angry partner leaving versus actual abuse during."
"He knew what waiting to document would do for any case you try to bring forth during a divorce."
"Please keep hold of those messages from him."
"If it’s over an app that he can delete messages to where you can’t see them anymore, take screenshots."
"Back up your phone to your computer, then back that up to an external hard drive that stays at a friend's place (or somewhere else safe that he would not have access to under ANY circumstances)."
"Make sure the backup has all your messages and any voicemails you may need."
"Now that you know it will probably be needed, start a log of every abusive or manipulative action he takes."
"Make sure you have dates as well as writing down the closest approximation of time that you can."
"Be clear in your log if it’s an exact time or if you had to approximate it."
"In terms of back-ups, do the same with this as any messages, even if it’s you texting it to a friend every night so they can keep it for you."
"If you are able to safely (and legally) get any photo, video, or audio evidence, do so and make sure to back it up to every avenue you can." ~ teyyannn
"Let him have the dogs."
"Seriously. It may seem hard, but this is part of the abuse."
"He's going to try to keep what you want."
"You need to leave."
"Yesterday."
"And, I think your therapist has done you a disservice to let you go this long without pointing out that this is not normal."
"I am assuming you didn't just tell her this at a recent session." ~ Thatsnotreallytrue
"Are you asking if you are the A-hole for telling your friend?"
"If yes, NTA."
"You shared your feelings and concerns with your husband, but he repeatedly dismissed you."
"He had the chance to do sth about it."
"Even now, he is not worried about you and what makes you do that, but he is worried about how he looks to others." ~ mightywingedunicorn
"You're NTA."
"What he's doing is not healthy."
"His rule is isolating, and he knows it."
"If the truth makes him look bad, then that's because he's not being good to you."
"That in no way is 'disparaging' him."
"You do not deserve to be treated this way by him."
"Please leave." ~ Shadow11Wolf50
"NTA - Isolation tactic."
"And no, not normal."
"Trashing him wouldn’t be good."
"Asking for advice from a friend is normal."
"It sounds like he makes little passive-aggressive remarks that make you fearful as well."
"Like how he would make it hard to leave him."
"Or how he can’t be friends with your friends if you talk to them about your relationship… which would then put you in a position of having to choose if it ever came down to it."
"Then the silent treatment."
"This is not a healthy dynamic."
"There are red flags in his behavior I wouldn’t be comfortable with." ~ Ginger_spice_smudge
Reddit has your back, OP.
You have to be able to speak your feelings.
We're so glad you finally opened up to your friends. You'll need their support.
