Some people just can't leave the past in the rearview mirror.
They always have to talk about it and weaponize it.
It can be a lot for others to handle.
Everybody has a line in the sand.
And when that line is crossed... watch out!
Redditor AnyPossibility2467 found herself in a dilemma regarding her relationship with her sister, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for walking out at my future M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]’s birthday dinner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (36 F[emale]) have been with my fiancé (46 M[ale]) for 6 years, and engaged for 2."
"When we met, he was newly divorced with no kids."
"Since I’ve been with my fiancé, his older brother (49 M) has managed to bring up my fiancé’s ex-wife at every family gathering."
"Every. Single. Time."
"Thanksgivings, Christmases, and birthdays included."
"Everyone has a past, so I tried to be polite and just hear out his grievances about her in the beginning."
"At first, I admittedly enjoyed getting the tea about why their marriage didn’t work out, but after 6 years of hearing about her, I’d finally had enough."
"I tried to set a boundary and asked future B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] to please not mention my fiancé’s ex-wife around me anymore."
"After being with his brother for this long, I feel like I’ve earned that respect, but he continues to bring her up."
"Now, he just prefaces his stories about her with, 'I know you don’t want to hear this, but his ex would ____,' or 'sorry to mention her again, but _____ would have ____ differently.'”
"He did it again recently at their mother’s birthday dinner, and I finally had enough."
"This time, I was so fed up with the repeated disrespect of my boundaries that I walked out of the restaurant (at the tail end of the night) to get some fresh air and cool off."
" Should I have stayed and sucked it up?"
"Asked my fiancé to have yet another conversation with his brother about having more respect for me and our relationship."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITAH for walking out of my future MIL’s birthday dinner because of this?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"Why isn't your fiancé shutting down the comments from his own brother?"
"Maybe you walking out like that will finally kickstart your fiancé to defend you." ~ GrandPipe5878
"So there are no consequences?"
"To be honest, if my future spouse were being treated like this, there would either be a choice for my brother to shut up or I would stop going to any functions with him in attendance."
"If my mom had an issue, she would have to make my brother stop."
"Plain and simple."
"I'd never subject my partner to this."
"In fact, I went no contact with my mother over this for 2 years over her comments about my partner until she relented and fully apologized."
"So there are people who will hold boundaries for their partners."
"This is a fiancé issue at the end of it all." ~ Past-Bluebird-4109
"You need to start turning the tables on him."
“'Fiancé' moved on six years ago."
"I’m confused why you are still so obsessed with 'ex.'"
"Did you have a relationship more than BIL/S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]?"
"Do you still have a relationship?"
"Walking away is understandable."
"Not the best choice on MIL's birthday." ~ KLG999
"You can only set boundaries for yourself."
"You cannot ask him not to bring her up, but you CAN do what you did and walk out if he does."
"Though doing it at your MIL's birthday dinner was a bit much."
"Especially since she did nothing wrong." ~ MistressJacklynHyde
"NTA, although if you haven't already, I might text MIL and apologise for leaving so abruptly."
"Has she ever commented on BIL's weird fixation on his brother's ex?"
"BIL seems to be after a reaction when he brings up ex."
"I wonder if you can try to flip it on him - next time she inevitably comes up in conversation, maybe ask 'Why ARE you so obsessed with your brother's ex-wife?'"
"Say it flat and bored, then grey rock."
"See how he responds."
"If it shuts him down, rinse and repeat." ~ Spreepodcast_r
"NTA... but I'd be super petty and look him dead in the eye and comment how absolutely fu*kin' weird it is that he's so stuck on his former SIL... I'd say I wonder if she obsesses about you as you do her."
"Sh*t like that."
"I'd make it so weird and uncomfortable..."
"Then I'd laugh later."
"Seriously though... your man should be shutting that sh*t down way before now, or we'd have problems." ~ emryldmyst
"NTA, but why isn't your fiancé putting an end to this?"
"This is his fight, not yours!"
"If there is an issue, it's more with the fact that your boundary isn't being respected and your 'potential' future husband has not put a stop to it or let his family know that if this doesn't stop, he will not be attending anything with his brother present."
"Yes, BIL is an as*, but you need to ask who is really wrong here more!" ~ Past-Bluebird-4109
"NTA- next time he does that, just say something like 'pity X isn’t here to do it again/do it that way, should I ask her to join us next time, seeing as you miss her so much?'"
"I’d start making him uncomfortable in as sarcastic and catty a way as possible.”
"'Are you missing her that much? Do you think you should give her a call and ask her out? Whose ex exactly was she because you make it sound like she is yours?'"
" You have been polite, you have been firm, and you have asked him to stop, so now it’s time to get a little mean." ~ whatswrongwithfolks
"NTA. Though it makes you wonder how the BIL treated your fiancée's ex-wife and if that contributed to her being the ex."
"Your fiancée needs to speak to his brother and make it clear that it will no longer be tolerated." ~ LeeLeeNJ
"NTA. I would look him in the eye and ask."
"'Do you not like me?'"
"As soon as he starts."
"Have him answer that question before he continues." ~ shutupash
"Ask your fiancé’s brother point-blank why he continues to have so much interest in your fiancé’s ex-wife?"
"Do they regularly communicate?"
"Do they interact in person?"
"Is there more going on we don’t know about?"
"Since he appears to be totally enamored with her, maybe there’s something his wife is unaware of."
"Put the focus on him by making it very uncomfortable for him to mention anything on that subject."
"Once the negative spotlight is on him, maybe he’ll learn to keep his mouth shut on certain topics." ~ teach-me-new
"Genuine question is, your soon-to-be brother-in-law and love, what, your fiancé’s ex, or are they good friends or something?"
"It’s been years, and he has continuously brought this woman up, either."
"They are still close friends, or he, for some reason, misses her for his brother's sake or his." ~ Fair-Cook2303
"It's odd that this has been going on for 6 years and yet not one person in the entire family has put a stop to it, including your fiancé."
"Their mother also bears some responsibility in this."
"She was part of their family, and she has enough authority to rein her son in and tell him to knock it off."
"I'm afraid you're the only one on your side, and you should perhaps reevaluate the entire dynamic altogether. NTA." ~ Fearless-Speech-1131
"NTA. However, next time he decides to bring this up, ask him to step away with you and have a talk."
"Tell him, since he seems not to understand you asking nicely, you will have to be more blunt."
"Tell him to kindly shut tf up about his brother's ex."
"He knows f**king better." ~ HiraethBella
"NTA. This is probably horrible advice, but find something BIL doesn't want to talk about, and bring it up every chance you get."
"He either enjoys getting a rise out of you, or he does have a weird obsession with the ex." ~ jam7789
"You need to start to clap back to the brother… you seem obsessed with your ex-wife?"
"Were you in love with your ex-wife?"
"You can’t seem to be able to let go of your ex-wife."
"Is there something you haven’t told us?"
"Keep them coming, every single time he mentions her, have a new comment ready."
"Hopefully, he’ll learn."
"In the meantime, you might reach out to future mil just to explain why you needed to clear your head, and there was no disrespect to her."
"She might start helping you if handled the right way. NTA." ~ SadFlatworm1436
"There should be consequences for his behaviour beyond you or your partner speaking up and/or walking off."
"NTA. I'd make sure you're not around him ever again." ~ DynkoFromTheNorth
"Girl, you have a fiancé problem."
"He’s not shutting down the comments and supporting your boundaries."
"I would step back and reconsider the whole relationship."
"Are you always going to have to be the 'bad guy?'" ~ Upbeat_Vanilla_7285
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
You've set boundaries, and your BIL continues to cross the line.
A person can only take so much.
Maybe apologize to your MIL and don't be afraid to stand up to your BIL.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp