Some people just can't leave the past in the rearview mirror.
They always have to talk about it and weaponize it.
It can be a lot for others to handle.
Everybody has a line in the sand.
And when that line is crossed... watch out!
Redditor AnyPossibility2467 found herself in a dilemma regarding her relationship with her sister, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for walking out at my future M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]’s birthday dinner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (36 F[emale]) have been with my fiancé (46 M[ale]) for 6 years, and engaged for 2."
"When we met, he was newly divorced with no kids."
"Since I’ve been with my fiancé, his older brother (49 M) has managed to bring up my fiancé’s ex-wife at every family gathering."
"Every. Single. Time."
"Thanksgivings, Christmases, and birthdays included."
"Everyone has a past, so I tried to be polite and just hear out his grievances about her in the beginning."
"At first, I admittedly enjoyed getting the tea about why their marriage didn’t work out, but after 6 years of hearing about her, I’d finally had enough."
"I tried to set a boundary and asked future B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] to please not mention my fiancé’s ex-wife around me anymore."
"After being with his brother for this long, I feel like I’ve earned that respect, but he continues to bring her up."
"Now, he just prefaces his stories about her with, 'I know you don’t want to hear this, but his ex would ____,' or 'sorry to mention her again, but _____ would have ____ differently.'”
"He did it again recently at their mother’s birthday dinner, and I finally had enough."
"This time, I was so fed up with the repeated disrespect of my boundaries that I walked out of the restaurant (at the tail end of the night) to get some fresh air and cool off."
" Should I have stayed and sucked it up?"
"Asked my fiancé to have yet another conversation with his brother about having more respect for me and our relationship."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITAH for walking out of my future MIL’s birthday dinner because of this?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"Why isn't your fiancé shutting down the comments from his own brother?"
"Maybe you walking out like that will finally kickstart your fiancé to defend you." ~ GrandPipe5878
"So there are no consequences?"
"To be honest, if my future spouse were being treated like this, there would either be a choice for my brother to shut up or I would stop going to any functions with him in attendance."
"If my mom had an issue, she would have to make my brother stop."
"Plain and simple."
"I'd never subject my partner to this."
"In fact, I went no contact with my mother over this for 2 years over her comments about my partner until she relented and fully apologized."
"So there are people who will hold boundaries for their partners."
"This is a fiancé issue at the end of it all." ~ Past-Bluebird-4109
"You need to start turning the tables on him."
“'Fiancé' moved on six years ago."
"I’m confused why you are still so obsessed with 'ex.'"
"Did you have a relationship more than BIL/S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]?"
"Do you still have a relationship?"
"Walking away is understandable."
"Not the best choice on MIL's birthday." ~ KLG999
"You can only set boundaries for yourself."
"You cannot ask him not to bring her up, but you CAN do what you did and walk out if he does."
"Though doing it at your MIL's birthday dinner was a bit much."
"Especially since she did nothing wrong." ~ MistressJacklynHyde
"NTA, although if you haven't already, I might text MIL and apologise for leaving so abruptly."
"Has she ever commented on BIL's weird fixation on his brother's ex?"
"BIL seems to be after a reaction when he brings up ex."
"I wonder if you can try to flip it on him - next time she inevitably comes up in conversation, maybe ask 'Why ARE you so obsessed with your brother's ex-wife?'"
"Say it flat and bored, then grey rock."
"See how he responds."
"If it shuts him down, rinse and repeat." ~ Spreepodcast_r
"NTA... but I'd be super petty and look him dead in the eye and comment how absolutely fu*kin' weird it is that he's so stuck on his former SIL... I'd say I wonder if she obsesses about you as you do her."
"Sh*t like that."
"I'd make it so weird and uncomfortable..."
"Then I'd laugh later."
"Seriously though... your man should be shutting that sh*t down way before now, or we'd have problems." ~ emryldmyst
"NTA, but why isn't your fiancé putting an end to this?"
"This is his fight, not yours!"
"If there is an issue, it's more with the fact that your boundary isn't being respected and your 'potential' future husband has not put a stop to it or let his family know that if this doesn't stop, he will not be attending anything with his brother present."
"Yes, BIL is an as*, but you need to ask who is really wrong here more!" ~ Past-Bluebird-4109
"NTA- next time he does that, just say something like 'pity X isn’t here to do it again/do it that way, should I ask her to join us next time, seeing as you miss her so much?'"
"I’d start making him uncomfortable in as sarcastic and catty a way as possible.”
"'Are you missing her that much? Do you think you should give her a call and ask her out? Whose ex exactly was she because you make it sound like she is yours?'"
" You have been polite, you have been firm, and you have asked him to stop, so now it’s time to get a little mean." ~ whatswrongwithfolks
"NTA. Though it makes you wonder how the BIL treated your fiancée's ex-wife and if that contributed to her being the ex."
"Your fiancée needs to speak to his brother and make it clear that it will no longer be tolerated." ~ LeeLeeNJ
"NTA. I would look him in the eye and ask."
"'Do you not like me?'"
"As soon as he starts."
"Have him answer that question before he continues." ~ shutupash
"Ask your fiancé’s brother point-blank why he continues to have so much interest in your fiancé’s ex-wife?"
"Do they regularly communicate?"
"Do they interact in person?"
"Is there more going on we don’t know about?"
"Since he appears to be totally enamored with her, maybe there’s something his wife is unaware of."
"Put the focus on him by making it very uncomfortable for him to mention anything on that subject."
"Once the negative spotlight is on him, maybe he’ll learn to keep his mouth shut on certain topics." ~ teach-me-new
"Genuine question is, your soon-to-be brother-in-law and love, what, your fiancé’s ex, or are they good friends or something?"
"It’s been years, and he has continuously brought this woman up, either."
"They are still close friends, or he, for some reason, misses her for his brother's sake or his." ~ Fair-Cook2303
"It's odd that this has been going on for 6 years and yet not one person in the entire family has put a stop to it, including your fiancé."
"Their mother also bears some responsibility in this."
"She was part of their family, and she has enough authority to rein her son in and tell him to knock it off."
"I'm afraid you're the only one on your side, and you should perhaps reevaluate the entire dynamic altogether. NTA." ~ Fearless-Speech-1131
"NTA. However, next time he decides to bring this up, ask him to step away with you and have a talk."
"Tell him, since he seems not to understand you asking nicely, you will have to be more blunt."
"Tell him to kindly shut tf up about his brother's ex."
"He knows f**king better." ~ HiraethBella
"NTA. This is probably horrible advice, but find something BIL doesn't want to talk about, and bring it up every chance you get."
"He either enjoys getting a rise out of you, or he does have a weird obsession with the ex." ~ jam7789
"You need to start to clap back to the brother… you seem obsessed with your ex-wife?"
"Were you in love with your ex-wife?"
"You can’t seem to be able to let go of your ex-wife."
"Is there something you haven’t told us?"
"Keep them coming, every single time he mentions her, have a new comment ready."
"Hopefully, he’ll learn."
"In the meantime, you might reach out to future mil just to explain why you needed to clear your head, and there was no disrespect to her."
"She might start helping you if handled the right way. NTA." ~ SadFlatworm1436
"There should be consequences for his behaviour beyond you or your partner speaking up and/or walking off."
"NTA. I'd make sure you're not around him ever again." ~ DynkoFromTheNorth
"Girl, you have a fiancé problem."
"He’s not shutting down the comments and supporting your boundaries."
"I would step back and reconsider the whole relationship."
"Are you always going to have to be the 'bad guy?'" ~ Upbeat_Vanilla_7285
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
You've set boundaries, and your BIL continues to cross the line.
A person can only take so much.
Maybe apologize to your MIL and don't be afraid to stand up to your BIL.
u/Prestigious-Focus63/Reddit
