Is there room in a relationship for ex significant others?
What if the person pushing the relationship is the mother of one of the partners?
A newly engaged woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on this topic.
TopTierPot asked:
"AITA for telling my fiancé's family I won't be attending any more family dinners until they stop inviting his ex?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) have been dating Daniel (31, male) for three years, engaged to him for six months. The family of Daniel is tight knit and they have monthly Sunday dinners which the entire family attends even all the cousins, aunts, and everyone. I used to like these dinners very much."
"Four months ago, Daniel's mother decided to begin inviting Megan, the ex-girlfriend of Daniel. It seems that Daniel dated Megan for two years in college, then they broke up on good terms and Daniel's mom remained good friends with Megan."
"Before I and Daniel got engaged, Megan had never come here at all. As soon as we became engaged, she started coming to these dinner parties regularly."
"First, I believed that it could be an occasional incident where an old girlfriend is visiting. But it continued. She would sit next to Daniel's mother, help her in cooking and bring back memories from their dating period, joke and recall their vacations and things like that."
"Daniel felt uneasy, but he never objected to it. When I asked him what this was about, he said, 'that's the way my mom is, she and Megan are friends now, nothing to do with us'."
"Two months ago, Megan came to my engagement shower. It wasn't my invitation. Daniel's mother came with her as a plus one, not even asking before."
"Last week at dinner, Megan made a statement about her having always seen herself being part of this family, and everyone started laughing like it was a joke, but not me, I felt ashamed in front of Daniel's whole family."
"I told Daniel that I can't come to dinner if his family keeps inviting her because I need him to talk to his mother about this issue, and I do not feel it's my place to tell who she invites to her house. But he said I was overreacting, that she was already a part of the family at this point, and that I am punishing everyone just because of his mother's actions."
"If he won’t deal with his mom, I’ll just not show up at the dinners anymore. He says I’m trying to alienate him from his family and that I’m controlling."
"His sister also messaged me that I started drama out of nowhere since nothing Megan ever did was wrong."
"Daniel is now hardly talking to me, and his family thinks I’m the bad one for making this boundary. I still think that my future husband’s ex not being a constant part of family gatherings is perfectly fine."
"AITA for not attending the dinners until it gets sorted out?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Girl, if my timeline lines up, she spent the first month of your engagement in blind grief because her baby boy couldn’t be her pseudo husband anymore, the second month plotting and getting her ducks in a row, and by month three, she brought the ex back into the picture, even though, based off of what you wrote, she had not been involved heavily until after the engagement was confirmed and real."
"This isn’t a chick flick, you’re not gonna have a romantic moment where he throws it all away for you. He’s made it very clear that he supports his family and his ex over the person he wants to marry and have children with."
"What happens when you have kids with this loser and their grandma starts telling them how this chick would’ve made a better mother? What happens when your husband gives into the next step of family pressure and has an affair that they endorse and sponsor?"
"The mom made the plan, but the man is going along with it. Ditch this whole weird bloodline, your future kids deserve better." ~ Comprehensive_Door42
"Don't marry a man who won't choose you over his mother and his ex. I promise you that you will spare yourself a lifetime of pain if you give him one chance to fix this, then leave if he chooses not to choose you again."
"You're NTA and if anything, you're underreacting to deep disrespect." ~ OldeManKenobi
"But you've got a fiance problem you're not acknowledging. NTA." ~ DrTeethPhD
"Yeah so they all want Daniel to be with Megan. Seems like maybe Daniel does, too, with how he’s acting towards you. You aren’t weird in how you are feeling."
"Any person with self respect would reject this and any partner of such person would reject it too. Since he’s not, you need to sit with that information."
"Yes, it ends up in the same place which is your person isn’t protecting you or demanding respect for you from his family. He’s not acting like you are his person." ~ SlinkyMalinky20
"Awfully convenient that out of three years worth of dinners she only started coming around once the engagement happened. When you started looking more permanent."
"What’s your fiancé’s plan if you stop attending? Is he going to go alone so the family can act like you don’t exist or is he going to stop going as well to support you?" ~bunnybunny690
"So, you’ve got your answer. He will never prioritize you or your relationship over his mother’s (and probably the rest of the family’s) wishes. Lucky for you you’ve seen it early enough to get out without too much angst."
"His mother did this on purpose and she will get her way after all. Mommy’s boy will end up with Megan." ~ Buckleupbuttercup77
"Tell him he can go back to his ex because that’s exactly the reason why his mom has been pushing her on him. If he doesn’t set boundaries then it’s time to move on." ~ StateLarge
"This family is telling you very clearly who they are. Believe them."
"This doesn’t get better. End the engagement now." ~ tzjl99
"But her own boyfriend isn’t even talking to her. I think she over estimates how much he cares about her and this relationship."
"She needs to just end it. Why is she waiting around for a guy who doesn’t like her enough to stand up for her?" ~ DueAdvisor8969
"His mom is actually doing you a favor if he’s not willing to address this ridiculous situation immediately and directly. There is no reason she should have come to your engagement party and there’s no reason she needs to come to family gatherings."
"If his mom is friends with her then they can hang out on their own time. Does she invite any of her other friends to these events? I’m guessing only the ones who have dated her son."
"If your fiancé won’t tell his mom to knock it off now, then I promise he won’t stop her from bringing her to your wedding or inviting her over to your house or insisting your first child be named after her, etc...—see where I’m going?" ~ hawkcarhawk
"HE is the problem. Not his mother. My husband would have talked to his mom after the first dinner Megan was invited to and made sure the disrespect didn’t continue."
"His family wants you gone and he cares more about their feelings and his ex than he cares about you. Move on." ~ Ok-Win-9099
OP provided some final thoughts after getting feedback.
"After the end of the relationship, why should she still have a seat at the table after all these years? The math on that timeline lines up with what's bugging me too. Her at dinner isn't some decade long tradition, it's brand new since we got engaged."
"But yeah, the real question is still just why Daniel won't do the one thing I'm asking for. It needs to be fixed before the marriage ceremony and not after it. I think I already know that in my gut, I just needed to hear it said plain."
"Yeah, you're right, this is really about him, not me overreacting about dinners. I keep telling myself it's just his mom being his mom, but you're right, the way everyone brushed it off together says a lot.
"I don't think Daniel wants Megan, but I do think he wants an easy life with his mom more than he wants to protect me, and maybe that ends up looking the same either way. Yeah, that's hard. It's not Megan, not his mom, just Daniel not showing up for me."
"You're all right that the first dinner should've ended this, not the fifth one. I need to have not another dinner debate with Daniel, just an answer to the plain question about whose team he's on."
OP has some hard questions they need to ask and get answered before this relationship can go forward.
