Birthday cakes are supposed to make celebrations sweeter...
Not spark a family power struggle.
But after their mother-in-law arrived at their husband’s milestone party with a competing cake and allegedly tried to take control of the festivities, one frustrated Redditor had finally had enough.
They turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Spazzypanda92 asked:
"AITA for not letting my mother-in-law (MIL) have more control during her son's milestone birthday party?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"AITA here? My MIL knew I made a handmade cake for my husband's birthday... Bet you can guess what she brought to the party anyway... Yupp."
"The part that gets under my skin the most is when she arrived, she came straight to me with, 'I know I know don't be mad...' and although I was irritated, I wasn't surprised."
"Context: She 'competes' with me pretty much any time I have her at my house - Racing me to the door to greet my guests and introducing people she doesn't know to each other lol... Interrupting any time I'm talking to my husband... criticizing me when he isn't in the room or if she thinks I can't hear what she's saying about me... Referring to me in the 3rd person when I'm RIGHT THERE... etc..."
"With the cake thing though, I smiled and thanked her. Even went so far as to say 'this is perfect, because now we have extra and my husband loves the cake I made, so we'll put the candles on yours and eat both'."
"But I guess hearing how much my husband loves my cooking has always deeply bothered her? I don't know if I'm reading into it, but I swear when I took it well and was the bigger person, she broke eye contact with me and looked upset/disappointed."
"I thought I might be overthinking, but when it was cake time she was very micro, wanting to help put candles on... wanting to decide when to bring out the cake... wanting to do the toast early... talking over me and answering guests' questions for me... very upstagey."
"I didn't allow her in my kitchen and made sure she was distracted while my neighbor helped. Halfway through lighting the candles, she gets up to 'help' but stands in front of the guest who was filming my husband about to blow the candles out."
"I told her firmly, but nicely, to please sit down. She did, but the whole family heard about how I didn't let her be involved."
What do you mean? I used her cake and didn't even take mine out of the fridge. And even though I sent her son and grandchild to her house the day before for a 'Nana dinner' (without me so I could stay home to clean & party plan) just so she could feel special and get her 'fix' with being the center of attention for a day that wasn't her son's actual birthday."
"But it's never enough."
"So yeah, I told her to SIT and then put all the candles on the outside edges of her cake. It was a milestone birthday, so there were a lot of candles that melted, so I then cut the melted-wax parts off so guests could avoid eating it..."
"So, now somehow I'm the villain because I didn't allow her to upstage the party I threw for her son, and apparently I 'ruined' the cake she brought 'on purpose' by removing candle wax...‽‽"
"I mean, I laughed when I heard that's what she thought, but I guess only NM/TIL's think this way?"
"She is making this so difficult for me, and it hurts because my own biological mom is a nutcase, so this was supposed to be my chance to 're-do' how being a daughter feels."
"But no... just more of the same."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Most Redditors decided the OP was not addressing the real problem.
"INFO: Where is your husband in this? Why hasn’t he shut this nonsense down a long time ago? ~ Maximum-Ear1745
OP responded:
"He knows how she treats me to a degree... but not fully. I gave up trying to explain the disrespectful behavior to him. He doesn't see it that way or won't."
"But he will correct her regarding our child. One time she put our daughter in a booster car seat (45+ lbs safety warning when my daughter was only 22lbs...) because she couldn't figure out how to install the one we had provided."
"My husband had the conversation, and we decided she isn't driving our child anywhere anymore 'unless we help put the correct car seat in her car first.' But on my end, personally, I'm making sure she's never driving our daughter anywhere again."
That response sealed it for Redditors.
"Yeah, OP has a husband problem if this is a recurring thing. Bet you the MIL is a typical boy mum where her precious baby got married but she always comes before OP. If this has been happening for years, he really should’ve stepped in sooner." ~ Vegetable-Teach362
"Sounds like this situation has been going on for a long time. Husband probably wanted to "keep the peace" at OP's expense. OP you should tell your husband that there are three people in your marriage. His mother makes it that way with her suffocating presence." ~ IceSeeker
"Well according to OP's comment her husband knows but doesn't actually think insulting his wife is a big deal. OP said this has been going on for TEN years? OP, you wrote, 'I gave up trying to explain the disrespectful behavior to him. He doesn't see it that way or won.' Great."
"You have a huge husband problem. Just fyi, normal husbands don't let their mothers walk all over their partners. Real husbands stand up for their wives, especially when it comes to their own parents."
"Then you add, 'But he will correct her regarding our child.' You're mentioning this like it's something extraordinary. It's bare minimum. Just like protecting you from his own mother is bare minimum."
"But I love how you don't mind your kid growing up and watching your MIL minimize you and ruin your life. Tell your husband to get a spine." ~ delinaX
"Big 'boy mom' energy for real. But yeah, husband needs to stop leaving OP to handle his mom’s antics by herself." ~ petalsandtea
"Girl...your husband should be on your side. He doesn't believe you or see it‽‽ Yeah, because her horrible behavior is normal to him after a lifetime. You're being too nice to both of them."
"I would be setting some hard boundaries with MIL and having a real CTJ with my husband. At this point it's not even about his mom. Are y'all a team or not? Why does he not believe you? Why does he not want to protect his wife?"
"I would invest in some counseling. I am blessed to have amazing in-laws, but my husband is the first to say something when they rarely cross a boundary. I'm upset for you, dear." ~ 1-2-buckle-my-shoes
"Your husband is a sad joke. And you accept it, enable both of them and still try to defend the situation. Divorce both of them. This is the only solution here." ~ Polish_girl44
"Once again, he knows. He doesn't care. Tale as old as time. Stop infantilizing him and treating him like he can't see what's right in front of him. He's the problem, not his mom."
"Stop making so much effort for him/baking cakes and stuff if he doesn't have your back. Let her throw his birthday next time while you relax." ~ Ok-Jackfruit-9393
OP provided a lengthy update:
"Thank you, everyone, for your support and honesty. After sleeping and praying on this, I agree with what a lot of you have been saying: I don't just have a MIL problem, I more importantly think I have a husband with a problem prioritizing me as his wife."
"While I am a modern American woman, we have a traditional set of spiritual values. Leaving a marriage is only advised when there are certain factors, and toxic in-laws are not one."
"I love my husband, so yes, I will defend him, but not if he won't defend me on this. I have let him know that we will be meeting with a marriage counselor this month so that he can hear it from someone with a PhD in family dynamics."
"He needs to see and model the balance between 'honor your father and mother' and 'leave your parents to cleave to your spouse.' There is a way for him to set boundaries with her without feeling dishonoring. He needs to find it, fast, and be the leader here."
"Until then, no more visits or parties. No more Nana days. No more of me carrying the emotional baggage or just eating it (the disrespect OR the cake)."
"If he refuses to have the tough conversation with her in a way that sticks, then he is welcome to stay with his mom for a while, but I'm staying planted and firm and keeping our daughter with me."
"Again, thank you for support and honesty. Sometimes we are so lost in a pattern we can't see it for what it is without outside perspective."
"Believers, please pray for my husband and our marriage. I love this man and our young family."
"To the Christians, please also pray for his mom so that she can adjust and become a supporter, not a competitor. We all deserve to be treated with appropriate respect, and we all want to raise the kiddos in a healthy family community with clear, helpful, enforced boundaries."
"Again, thank you all. Stay safe & sane out here in this crazy world & don't let anyone dim your light!"
OP came to ask one question and was faced with another.
Now they need to decide how to address their real problem and stick to the boundaries they've set.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp