Birthday cakes are supposed to make celebrations sweeter...
Not spark a family power struggle.
But after their mother-in-law arrived at their husband’s milestone party with a competing cake and allegedly tried to take control of the festivities, one frustrated Redditor had finally had enough.
They turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Spazzypanda92 asked:
"AITA for not letting my mother-in-law (MIL) have more control during her son's milestone birthday party?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"AITA here? My MIL knew I made a handmade cake for my husband's birthday... Bet you can guess what she brought to the party anyway... Yupp."
"The part that gets under my skin the most is when she arrived, she came straight to me with, 'I know I know don't be mad...' and although I was irritated, I wasn't surprised."
"Context: She 'competes' with me pretty much any time I have her at my house - Racing me to the door to greet my guests and introducing people she doesn't know to each other lol... Interrupting any time I'm talking to my husband... criticizing me when he isn't in the room or if she thinks I can't hear what she's saying about me... Referring to me in the 3rd person when I'm RIGHT THERE... etc..."
"With the cake thing though, I smiled and thanked her. Even went so far as to say 'this is perfect, because now we have extra and my husband loves the cake I made, so we'll put the candles on yours and eat both'."
"But I guess hearing how much my husband loves my cooking has always deeply bothered her? I don't know if I'm reading into it, but I swear when I took it well and was the bigger person, she broke eye contact with me and looked upset/disappointed."
"I thought I might be overthinking, but when it was cake time she was very micro, wanting to help put candles on... wanting to decide when to bring out the cake... wanting to do the toast early... talking over me and answering guests' questions for me... very upstagey."
"I didn't allow her in my kitchen and made sure she was distracted while my neighbor helped. Halfway through lighting the candles, she gets up to 'help' but stands in front of the guest who was filming my husband about to blow the candles out."
"I told her firmly, but nicely, to please sit down. She did, but the whole family heard about how I didn't let her be involved."
What do you mean? I used her cake and didn't even take mine out of the fridge. And even though I sent her son and grandchild to her house the day before for a 'Nana dinner' (without me so I could stay home to clean & party plan) just so she could feel special and get her 'fix' with being the center of attention for a day that wasn't her son's actual birthday."
"But it's never enough."
"So yeah, I told her to SIT and then put all the candles on the outside edges of her cake. It was a milestone birthday, so there were a lot of candles that melted, so I then cut the melted-wax parts off so guests could avoid eating it..."
"So, now somehow I'm the villain because I didn't allow her to upstage the party I threw for her son, and apparently I 'ruined' the cake she brought 'on purpose' by removing candle wax...‽‽"
"I mean, I laughed when I heard that's what she thought, but I guess only NM/TIL's think this way?"
"She is making this so difficult for me, and it hurts because my own biological mom is a nutcase, so this was supposed to be my chance to 're-do' how being a daughter feels."
"But no... just more of the same."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Most Redditors decided the OP was not addressing the real problem.
"INFO: Where is your husband in this? Why hasn’t he shut this nonsense down a long time ago? ~ Maximum-Ear1745
OP responded:
"He knows how she treats me to a degree... but not fully. I gave up trying to explain the disrespectful behavior to him. He doesn't see it that way or won't."
"But he will correct her regarding our child. One time she put our daughter in a booster car seat (45+ lbs safety warning when my daughter was only 22lbs...) because she couldn't figure out how to install the one we had provided."
"My husband had the conversation, and we decided she isn't driving our child anywhere anymore 'unless we help put the correct car seat in her car first.' But on my end, personally, I'm making sure she's never driving our daughter anywhere again."
That response sealed it for Redditors.
"Yeah, OP has a husband problem if this is a recurring thing. Bet you the MIL is a typical boy mum where her precious baby got married but she always comes before OP. If this has been happening for years, he really should’ve stepped in sooner." ~ Vegetable-Teach362
"Sounds like this situation has been going on for a long time. Husband probably wanted to "keep the peace" at OP's expense. OP you should tell your husband that there are three people in your marriage. His mother makes it that way with her suffocating presence." ~ IceSeeker
"Well according to OP's comment her husband knows but doesn't actually think insulting his wife is a big deal. OP said this has been going on for TEN years? OP, you wrote, 'I gave up trying to explain the disrespectful behavior to him. He doesn't see it that way or won.' Great."
"You have a huge husband problem. Just fyi, normal husbands don't let their mothers walk all over their partners. Real husbands stand up for their wives, especially when it comes to their own parents."
"Then you add, 'But he will correct her regarding our child.' You're mentioning this like it's something extraordinary. It's bare minimum. Just like protecting you from his own mother is bare minimum."
"But I love how you don't mind your kid growing up and watching your MIL minimize you and ruin your life. Tell your husband to get a spine." ~ delinaX
"Big 'boy mom' energy for real. But yeah, husband needs to stop leaving OP to handle his mom’s antics by herself." ~ petalsandtea
"Girl...your husband should be on your side. He doesn't believe you or see it‽‽ Yeah, because her horrible behavior is normal to him after a lifetime. You're being too nice to both of them."
"I would be setting some hard boundaries with MIL and having a real CTJ with my husband. At this point it's not even about his mom. Are y'all a team or not? Why does he not believe you? Why does he not want to protect his wife?"
"I would invest in some counseling. I am blessed to have amazing in-laws, but my husband is the first to say something when they rarely cross a boundary. I'm upset for you, dear." ~ 1-2-buckle-my-shoes
"Your husband is a sad joke. And you accept it, enable both of them and still try to defend the situation. Divorce both of them. This is the only solution here." ~ Polish_girl44
"Once again, he knows. He doesn't care. Tale as old as time. Stop infantilizing him and treating him like he can't see what's right in front of him. He's the problem, not his mom."
"Stop making so much effort for him/baking cakes and stuff if he doesn't have your back. Let her throw his birthday next time while you relax." ~ Ok-Jackfruit-9393
OP provided a lengthy update:
"Thank you, everyone, for your support and honesty. After sleeping and praying on this, I agree with what a lot of you have been saying: I don't just have a MIL problem, I more importantly think I have a husband with a problem prioritizing me as his wife."
"While I am a modern American woman, we have a traditional set of spiritual values. Leaving a marriage is only advised when there are certain factors, and toxic in-laws are not one."
"I love my husband, so yes, I will defend him, but not if he won't defend me on this. I have let him know that we will be meeting with a marriage counselor this month so that he can hear it from someone with a PhD in family dynamics."
"He needs to see and model the balance between 'honor your father and mother' and 'leave your parents to cleave to your spouse.' There is a way for him to set boundaries with her without feeling dishonoring. He needs to find it, fast, and be the leader here."
"Until then, no more visits or parties. No more Nana days. No more of me carrying the emotional baggage or just eating it (the disrespect OR the cake)."
"If he refuses to have the tough conversation with her in a way that sticks, then he is welcome to stay with his mom for a while, but I'm staying planted and firm and keeping our daughter with me."
"Again, thank you for support and honesty. Sometimes we are so lost in a pattern we can't see it for what it is without outside perspective."
"Believers, please pray for my husband and our marriage. I love this man and our young family."
"To the Christians, please also pray for his mom so that she can adjust and become a supporter, not a competitor. We all deserve to be treated with appropriate respect, and we all want to raise the kiddos in a healthy family community with clear, helpful, enforced boundaries."
"Again, thank you all. Stay safe & sane out here in this crazy world & don't let anyone dim your light!"
OP came to ask one question and was faced with another.
Now they need to decide how to address their real problem and stick to the boundaries they've set.
