It's no secret that some in-law relationships simply do not get along, no matter how good the core relationship or marriage is.
But that doesn't necessarily mean a person can't still be a good host, collectively shrugged the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor nothostingaita was unconvinced that they held any responsibility in keeping their mother-in-law (MIL) comfortable while she visited them for three weeks.
But when their wife said they were being a jerk and pointed out her mother was going through a difficult time, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were somehow in the wrong after all.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my wife it's not my responsibility to make her mom feel comfortable while visiting?"
The OP's wife was arranging a time for their mother-in-law to visit.
"My wife and MIL (Mother-in-Law) have been trying for the past few months to find a time for MIL to come to visit us."
"MIL is currently separated from her husband (my wife's stepdad) and is kind of bouncing from family member to family member helping them out."
"She's been house-sitting, dog-sitting, cleaning, painting, organizing, etc. in all the different places she goes."
"I honestly do not want that kind of help at our place, because I don't think we need it."
"But my wife wants MIL to visit so she can at least spend time with our 3-year-old son."
The OP wasn't particularly excited about the visit.
"Two weeks ago, MIL texted my wife on a Thursday to let her know she would be coming the next day."
"Not the most respectful or convenient thing to give one day notice in my opinion, but not the end of the world."
"She also told my wife that she plans on spending 2-3 weeks with us."
"Again, that seems like a long visit and a bit presumptuous on MIL's part."
"I told my wife I would appreciate a bit more advance notice, and she just kind of said this was what works for MIL."
"I asked about the long stay, and my wife said that she has a lot of work stuff going on the next couple weeks in the evenings and on weekends, so MIL could help me out at home."
"I told her I don't need the help and I don't necessarily appreciate the implication that I do."
"She told me it will be good for MIL and our son to spend some extended time together."
The OP found themselves clashing with their MIL being there.
"Last week my wife did have to work in the evenings and on Saturday."
"I tried to keep to our son's routine as best as possible, but MIL kept indulging him whenever he wanted to stay up later or play outside later than we usually do."
"Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, just kind of frustrating. But my son loves playing with MIL so I didn't say or do anything about it."
"What I did do was pretty much ignore MIL after my son went to sleep or when my wife was home."
"I just hung out in the basement and relaxed. I wasn't rude to her, I just didn't really initiate conversation or go out of my way to spend time with her."
"I guess she told my wife that I have been making her feel unwelcome and uncomfortable."
The OP's wife was not happy about the OP's actions.
"My wife confronted me about this over the weekend and told me I need to be nicer to her mom and make her feel more welcome while she visits."
"I told her that it is not my responsibility to make MIL feel comfortable in our home."
"I told her that I will be civil and polite and help MIL if she asks, but I am not going to go out of my way to be proactive for her."
"My wife said that MIL is going through a hard time and it's been hard on her going from place to place without having anywhere to call her own."
"I told her that's of her own choice as she was the one who moved out on her husband and that she has a place to call her own, she just doesn't want to go back."
"My wife told me to stop being a selfish jerk and to at least act like I am ok with her mom being there for a few weeks."
"She said it won't hurt me to not act like an AH while she's here."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to try harder to be there for their wife.
"YTA. How hard is it to be nice to someone going through a hard time? Yes, it is inconvenient, but just try."
"However, the real issue is between you and your spouse. Just be kind to your MIL for the sake of your spouse. It will make your wife's life easier."
"It's short term. In long marriages, people make sacrifices for each other. Every little act of kindness you do for your MIL, you are really doing for your wife." - Sunny9226
"My wife's sister was going to stay with us one summer for 2 weeks. It basically turned into a month's stay. In a 1 bedroom apartment. Not ideal. But she's family and I love my wife. So we try and make the best of it."
"The next year my brother and his family asked to stay with us for 2 weeks. Which turned into 3 weeks. Luckily we have a house and more room. Again not ideal. But it's family. And my wife loves me."
"Sometimes you make sacrifices and make yourself a little uncomfortable for your spouse. Because you love them and want to make their lives easier. It's easy to be selfish, it's hard to be accommodating. But marriage isn't selfish. If it is, it's not gonna work out." - malarkey0_0
"My mom passed away a year ago and my dad took it very hard. He came over every other weekend for a coffee and my husband (even after a long week running his company when he'd rather play some games and de-stress) would always have a coffee/drink with him and chat with him."
"It made me fall in love with him all over again. That's what marriage is, something you do things for your partner. You don't just act selfish and say, TOO BAD."
"The OP is behaving worse than a child." - kat_192
"Compromise is one of the bedrocks of marriage/living together (as long as it's not a one-way street, of course). A lot of people on this sub seem to think compromise is equal to letting someone walk all over you." - heretoreadandlmao
"My sisters-in-law live in China. They stay for MONTHS (usually 3ish but once almost 4) when they visit because it isn't cheap to travel here and they need to arrange for the elderly grandmother's care. They sleep in my sister and her husband's room (2 bedroom apt but hopefully that will change soon) and my sister and husband crash on an air mattress in the living room."
"It's an assumption it will happen when it convenient for my sister's husband's mother's brother to take their mother (basically my BIL's grandmother lives full time with the eldest daughter, BIL's mom), and there isn't much choice about it so when BIL decides what will 'work for him,' that's when they visit here in the states and it's not always a ton of notice."
"It's not always convenient (we've had vacations planned we had to cancel/reschedule or find them accommodations for) things just are different when they are here, but if my sister made this into a 'you didn't ask me, it's not convenient,' her husband's parents wouldn't really see him or their grandkids, and she isn't going to do that."
"When you love your partner and kids, you try to do what's best for everyone, even if that's not always the thing you want to do most even if it puts you out sometimes."
"I really doubt it would kill OP to show a little pleasantry and grace to his MIL for his wife. Unless she was openly being rude to him or something, there is no reason to avoid her completely like that. It's not like the wife is asking him to spend all evening every day with the MIL and it's only for 2/3 weeks." - Puzzled-Passion7255
Others pointed out that it wouldn't kill the OP to be kind to their MIL during this time.
"This is absolutely essential in any functioning marriage, hell almost any live-with situation. A LOT of time you have to do stuff you do not want to do... just because that is life in a home"
"Also, being nice to a person won't kill OP. OP does not have to chat for 2 hours a day with MIL, just be 'extra' polite, and a 'How you doing' a couple of times a day is usually all it takes. Many people are sensitive and feel hostility or derision if their presence is not acknowledged often."
"By the way, it's ok if it does not come naturally for OP to do that. I had to have this explained to me as an adult as well, but once you know, you just do it and get it over with." - gordito_delgado
"If we're going by this post, OP only wants MIL to stay if he needs the help. Since he doesn't need the help, he doesn't want her to stay at all. There's no talk about helping MIL in her time of need, or any consideration that his wife wants to see her mother. That's one AH point."
"It doesn't sound like OP agreed to 2-3 weeks, but it does sound like he begrudgingly accepted that there will be a visit. Again, his view is that because he doesn't need the help, he doesn't want her to stay that long."
"It sounds like MIL didn't do anything out of line other than doting on her grandchild and OP is ignoring her, which of course makes her feel uncomfortable. It's not a huge imposition to make small talk every once in a while or have a meal together. That's another AH for me."
"The wife probably should have gotten a more solid 'yes' before she invited her mother over, but OP's position of 'no MIL unless I need her help' and 'MIL's situation isn't my problem' is pretty cold and AH-ish." - Real_Bear_6755
"It's not that difficult in a partnership to occasionally suck it up to make your partner happy. That's how you stayed married by not acting like a selfish a**hole."
"MIL is going through a rough time and it makes sense that she'd want to stay longer with her daughter and why it was a bit of an impromptu stay. She's also helping out with child care so it's not like she's being an awful guest. Like he mentioned his son loves her, so it's nice for his child as well."
"The fact that he just completely ignored her all night is awful behavior especially knowing she's going through a hard time. It isn't that difficult to be a kind human being, especially to your family, and knowing how it'll make your wife happy."
"I'd love to know what OP's reaction would be if his wife ignored his family when they came over. So yes, OP is clearly YTA. I don't know why you even need to ask." - kat_192
While the subReddit could understand why the OP was frustrated with their mother-in-law visiting so suddenly, and for an extended period of time, they could also understand where empathy and genuine engagement would go a long way to help her.
Though coordinating parties and events surely wasn't expected, basic daily communication would be kind.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp