It’s always an adjustment for parents and children when children start to grow up, and must learn to be independent.
Many parents still offer to help their children however they can, especially when they believe they really need it.
Others think that children need to learn from experience, and begin offering less and less help, forcing them to become self-sufficient.
No matter how uncomfortable or unwilling they might be.
On a recent outing, the daughter of Redditor Prudent_Dream_8397 suddenly fell hungry, and asked the original poster (OP) OP if they could stop for some food.
While the OP obliged they would only do so on one condition.
A condition the OP’s daughter was so uncomfortable with, that she decided to forgo eating all together, and simply go home instead.
After being scolded by their wife for this turn of events, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for letting my daughter be hungry and not ordering for her at a fast food place?”
The OP explained why they refused to order for their daughter at a fast food restaurant, and why their wife was so angry about it:
“My daughter is 15 and she has social anxiety.”
“She is in counseling for it and not meds (not needed).”
“The rule in our household is that if you want fast food when we are out you pay for it with your own money.”
“If you don’t have McDonald’s money you aren’t going there.”
“I also don’t allow eating in the car, so we stop at places to eat.”
“We had to go out and do some errands.”
“I told her to grab something to eat before hand but she said she wasn’t hungry.”
“We go on our errands and halfway through she wants to stop by Wendy’s.”
“I pull in and tell her to go order I will get a seat.”
“She comes back a few minutes later and tells me she can’t order.”
“She doesn’t want to talk to the cashier at the front of the store.”
“I told her she needs to order and we will head out.”
“She asked me to order and I told her no.”
“We sit for about 10 minutes when I tell her it’s time to go.”
“She in short is pissed and my wife is also upset I didn’t order for her.”
“That I let her go hungry.”
“I find this stupid I didn’t starve her for days it was 4 hour outing.”
“Her counselor has told us she she needs to start doing this stuff on her own, this was low risk.”
“She literally gave the example of ordering food without our help.”
“I also ran through a script with her at the table but she wouldn’t do it.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to order for their daughter at the fast food restaurant.
Everyone agreed that the OP was very much taking his daughter’s social anxiety into account, and only doing what her counselor suggested, with many who also suffer or know someone who suffers from social anxiety agreeing that this was the best course of action:
“As a kid that suffered with social anxiety, to an adult who still suffers, my parents pushed me out of my comfort zone a lot like this.”
“Low risk, low stakes talking to strangers.”
“This ranged from my mum always giving me the credit card to pay for our grocery shopping so I only had to answer questions like ‘how are you?’”
“And ‘Cash or Card?’ to coaching me through phone calls 15 minutes beforehand so I could book my own appointments.”
“I am so grateful for them because they now let me live like a normal(ish) adult.”
“And yeah, I still rehearse my script four times before I go in to any store and yeah, on really bad days I still make my boyfriend ask for no pickles and mustard on my McDonald’s burger.”
“But I can function without someone holding my hand.”
“I couldn’t have done that without my parents pushing me at times where I just wanted to clam up.”
“Anxiety is a b*tch to all, but she does at this point need to know why you went about it the way you did and know that you are her support system.”
“Every action needs to be justified when anxiety is involved, it’s awful but it’s true.”
“Overall, NTA.”
“But still talk to her.”- oooodle8458
“NTA.”
“You were on the right side of helping vs enabling, and helping vs doing it for her.”- Right_Count
“NTA.”
“Your daughter needs to start doing minimal effort activities to help with her social anxiety and this was an example of one such activity.”
“In addition, you tried to prep your child beforehand by reminding her to eat and she did not.”
“Part of raising kids in a healthy manner is teaching them the consequences of their actions in addition to preparing them for the real world.”
“Her anxiety is manageable but she needs to learn how to manager on her own.”
“You cannot hold her hand her whole life and she will not be a functioning adult unless she learns how.”
“That process is going to be hard, there is no two ways around it.”
“So, it would stand to reason that the first few times she attempts to do something different than the norm she might fail and everyone is gonna be upset at the outcome.”
“To me, this seems like a step forward.”
“Change is frustrating because it’s not an overnight thing, it’s more akin to moving the needle.”
“Change isn’t harming or hurtful, it is a stretch.”
“You offered her options, offered to role play, and she shut that down.”
“She’s allowed to ask for your help, you’re allowed to say no.”
“You’re allowed to offer help, she’s allowed to say no.”
“That’s all that happened here.”
“You and your wife need to get on board together to figure out how to handle when your daughter pushes back support she doesn’t want.”
“Work with the therapist to find tangible solutions.”
“I see a parent who handled this reasonably.”- CuriousTsukihime
“NTA.”
“I have anxiety, a panic disorder, and BPD.”
“My job is actually a lot of calling people which is really unfortunate because I STRUGGLE with phone calls.”
“That’s why I have a written out script for calling people.”
“I totally understand her fear, but the longer she waits to start managing her distress and finding ways to cope with life the harder it will be as she gets older.”
‘Bad days are inevitable, but she really needs these skills to not struggle in adulthood.”
“She’s going to have to do her own insurance, find a rental, do her own grocery shopping, etc one day.”
“The more coping skills she builds before then the better off she’s going to be.”
“What does she think is going to happen when she needs a job.”
“She’s going to have to interact with strangers and learn to be okay with it.”
“I totally understand and can relate to her distress but you’re not doing anything that will cause her any harm.”
“You sound like a very loving and concerned dad.”
“I used to get mad at mine for trying to help too because I didn’t register that he was trying to help, not be mean.”
“Heck, my dad was never mean about it but for an anxious teen even something small can feel like their world is ending.”
“Hopefully with some more therapy and ongoing support from you she’ll develop the skills she needs and realize that everything you’re gently trying to push her to do is with her best interest at.”-Saltynut99
“NTA.”
“The first time I had to call and order a pizza was the worst day of my life.”
“It is the easiest thing in the world to do, but I was terrified!”
“My mom sat down with me wrote out a script that included my own friggin name and phone number, plus the order and her card number.”
“She stayed with me the whole time, and when I was done with the call I felt like a million bucks!”
“That was hands down the best pizza night we had. I am so happy my mom made me do stuff like this.”
“She had me start ordering at restaurants and even made me answer the phone to tell telemarketers ‘we don’t want any’.”
“These are very important soft skills.”
“You are definitely doing the right thing by allowing your daughter space and opportunity to be uncomfortable.”- MurellaDvil
No matter how old we get, we sometimes must do something we don’t want.
Something the OP’s daughter must start learning, even certain things most people wouldn’t give even the tiniest thought to might now seem like an insurmountable hurdle to her.
Thankfully, she’ll soon realize that each small step eventually adds up to one giant leap.