If there is anything most new or soon-to-be parents don't quite appreciate the value of, it is good child care.
Those lucky enough to have grown up with great nannies or babysitters must tend to think that there must be a vast pool to choose from.
While that may be the case, the situation is quite different when you are looking for people you know you can trust with your children's safety and well-being.
For that reason, those who live close to their parents often rely on them for child care.
After all, what grandparent wouldn't jump at the chance to spend more time with their grandchildren?
Redditor lived close to her daughter and grandchildren. Like other local grandparents, the original poster (OP) would frequently babysit her grandchildren, sometimes at a moment's notice.
However, the OP recently flatly refused her daughter's request to watch her children.
A refusal that did not sit well with her daughter at all.
Having some doubts about her decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for refusing to watch my grandkids on my summer break?"
The OP explained why she was unwilling to babysit her grandchildren:
"Me (53 F[emale]), full-time college professor."
"My daughter (26 F), stay-at-home mom."
"Grandkids (8 M[ale], 5 F, 1 F)."
"My daughter, let's call her Katie, has 3 kids and lives with her boyfriend."
"She is a stay-at-home mom with no other responsibilities."
"I work as a full-time professor and have the months of June and July off."
"I typically use this time for training and professional development."
"Katie has hinted many times through the spring semester that she can't be home with the kids all summer and even has gone as far as asking me to keep them for a few weeks at a time."
"She has quite the explosive temper, and whenever I don't do as she asks, she throws a fit: screaming, yelling, and name-calling until I cave."
"The day before Mother's Day, she wanted me to watch the 1yr old."
"I told her that I am injured (hurt my knee and it is difficult to walk) and her dad is super tired."
"She threw a fit and told me to grow up, and that dad should 'act like a man' and just get over himself."
"We eventually caved and took all the kids so they wouldn't be around her that day."
"Fast-forward to the next day when she blocked my phone number and her dad's and didn't even call to say Happy Mother's Day."
"That is all fine, but the next day she calls her dad all nicey-nice and asks if he can watch her kids just one day a week during the summer so she can have a break."
"He tried to cave, but it was an ABSOLUTELY NOT! from me."
"Now everyone thinks I am the A-hole, but honestly, I would rather work all summer than have to deal with her."
"My husband says it's for the grandkids and not her, but I can't help but think we are rewarding her bad behavior."
"So, AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community mostly agreed that the OP was more than justified in refusing to babysit her grandchildren during her summer vacation.
Everyone agreed that there needed to be consequences for Katie's entitled behavior, with some even going so far as to urge the OP to consider stopping babysitting for Katie altogether:
"You’ve raised quite the entitled little angel there."
"NTA, but where does the attitude come from?"- Dipshitistan
"NTA."
"Give her a list of daycare centers in your area."- CptKUSSCryAllTheTime
"Why would you do anything for someone so abusive to you?"- Embarrassed_Hat_2904
"NTA."
"Her kids, she can watch them."- shammy_dammy
"Ohhh hell NO."
"NTA, she's a stay-at-home mom."
"Sure, if you like the kids, keep them for a couple of overnights, but no, you raised your kids."
"My mom adores her grandkids, and I would never ask this."- GetawarrantCO
"NTA, you and your husband are enabling her each time you give in to her tantrums."
"Why don’t you and your husband take a nice, long vacation out of town so she can’t ask or throw a tantrum when she is told no?"
"If you can’t afford to go anywhere, lie and say you are."
"Another thing you might want to do is remind her that when she asks someone for something, she has to accept that they may say no and not be upset if they do."
"If she chooses to block y’all, let her, as she has already demonstrated the minute she wants something, she will ask."
"This will not change until you change your behavior."
"All anyone can do is control their behavior, and you are not controlling behavior very well by giving in."- different-take4u
"Oh hell no, NTA."
"I’m a grandma who provides occasional childcare, but if my son requested this I believe I’d laugh in his face."- JohnExcrement
"Tell her the same thing she said about her dad."
"Tell her to grow up and act like a mom."- Different_Nothing973
"I mean."
"It makes sense that she ended up an entitled teen mom."
"You are bad at setting boundaries, and your child obviously doesn’t respect you."
"Never too late ig but your child is a reflection of how you raised her."
"Time to make changes NOW."
"Before you are a grandmother to another teen mom’s kids."- Important-Nose3332
"Why are you caving in and putting up with abusive behavior from an adult child?"- Vlophoto
"Stop giving explanations as she'll just bulldoze over you."
"And I am not kidding: make sure your wills, advanced directives, etc. are in place, & that your daughter will not be your power of attorney (or executor)."
"She abuses you both, & you must make sure she has no opportunity to commit elder, financial or other abuse against you in future."- Pookie1688
"You’re letting her get away with this."
"Now is the time to shut her down."
" HARD."
“'Katie' sounds like a spoiled, selfish, miserable human being."
"They’re her kids and her responsibility."
"She can care for them."
"Why are you and your husband letting your adult daughter be so incredibly disrespectful?"
"Yelling and screaming at you when she doesn’t get her way?"
"No sir."
"No freaking way is that acceptable."
"I have 4 kids and never once did I expect anyone to take care of them for me."
"I paid sitters and politely asked my parents if they’d watch them on occasion."
"These occasions were rare."
"We never lived close."
"It was never expected."
"Just stop being your adult daughter’s doormat."
"She’s stomping all over you!"- Ok_Clerk_6960
"So your 26-year-old had her first child at 17-18, and has since had two more."
"She throws tantrums--at her big age--to get her way with her parents."
"She screams, yells, and calls her mother names to get her way, so I don't think it's a stretch to think she's screaming, yelling, and calling her children names as well."
"And your concern is whether or not you should babysit?"
"Call CPS."
"Or stage an intervention and get her some help."
"She clearly doesn't know how to adult and 100% should not be the sole caregiver for three young children."
"You are not obligated to provide free childcare for anyone, under any circumstances."
"However, it is safe to argue that you created this monster who is now responsible for your three grandchildren, and you definitely should be doing something to get those children into a better environment, either with a mother who has had treatment for her mental health issues and possibly some parenting classes or in another home where they can be safe and happy."
"NTA for not babysitting, but definite side-eye for leaving those children to deal with a mother that you yourself can't handle when she is upset."- Bubbly_Chicken_9358
"As a former SAHM with a 22 year tenure, I’m genuinely curious why a SAHM can’t be home with her children all summer."
"Is she planning a sabbatical?"
"A change in career?"
"Is she no longer fit for duty?"
"Or is she just out of her ever-loving mind?"
"Tell her she signed up for this, and if she needs a day off, you can help out occasionally, but her primary backup better be the other parent."
"NTA."- 5footfilly
It's pretty shocking for any child to tell their parents to "grow up".
Some advice she should probably follow herself: as part of being a parent, be present for your children and don't completely rely on others to do it for you.
It seems like Katie needs to wake up, and that she won't be able to get everything she wants with the snap of her fingers.
Including free childcare.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.