A person's name is part of their identity.
A person's name can have deep meaning to their birth.
It's not meant for everyone to love or understand.
Yet, so many people have opinions.
Redditor Moonshadow1931 found herself in a dilemma regarding her friends and her birth name, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for not going by a different name than my birth name because it makes my friends uncomfortable?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I honestly think this whole situation is stupid, but I want some outside opinions."
"I (21 F[emale]) have always been questioned about my name."
"Most people assume it’s a chosen name, but it’s the one on my birth certificate."
"I honestly like my name and the meaning behind it, but apparently, my friends think it’s inappropriate to go by it."
"My name is Moonshadow, and it’s after a song and astrological effect."
"I’ve dealt with questions my whole life, and most of my teachers throughout school would refer to me by my middle name because it was 'easier to remember.'"
"Now that I’m an adult, I get fewer comments or questions."
"My friends have never seemed to care about my name, and I never really thought anyone did because it’s just my name."
"However, the other day we were supposed to meet up at a restaurant, and I walked into this weird vibe."
"Basically, all of my friends had staged an 'intervention' to tell me that they wanted me to go by a different name because they felt uncomfortable with using mine."
"When I asked why, they said that my name sounded Native and that by using it, I was appropriating Native American culture."
"I pointed out that I was Cherokee, and they said that I didn’t act it, so it didn’t count."
"At that point, I was irritated and snapped at them, saying that I wasn’t going to change my name because they were racist, which was probably out of line looking back."
"I left after that, and now my phone is being blown up by messages from the group and people outside of it saying that I’m being a bad friend for not respecting a boundary."
"I honestly don’t see anything wrong with my name, but having so many people tell me that I’m in the wrong is messing with me."
"I would really appreciate some advice."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA: Saying you don’t act Cherokee is totally racist." ~ dokkirislap
"The entire thing is galling, but the part about OP being Cherokee but it 'doesn't count' because they don't 'act like it' - what even in the world is this statement and how can anyone say it with a straight face?"
"Also, OP is hardly appropriating anything, going by her given birth name, which she did not choose!"
"This friend group is beyond yikes, OP."
"I really think you should take this time to reevaluate hanging out with these people."
"They sound exhausting, snotty, and ignorant."
"And, as you pointed out, racist."
"Def NTA and I think your name is beautiful!!" ~ skatoolaki
"NTA - you're not the one not respecting a boundary, your so-called friends are the ones not respecting your boundary that you wish to be called by your given name."
"They're the AH's."
"Also, your teachers were AH's too."
"How is Moonshadow a difficult name to remember? I'm sure you were the only one in the class, if not, school, with that name."
"How hard would it be to remember a unique name that's yours?" ~ Ok-Meringue6107
"I came to say this: A boundary is a rule for ONESELF, not a rule for other people."
"If your friends feel *so* strongly about disliking your name, they can set a boundary for themself and choose not to be friends with you anymore."
"This would make them a**holes, but it would be their choice/their boundary."
"They're attempting to control what name YOU use isn't a boundary, it's controlling."
"A boundary isn't a rule we put on other people, it's a boundary (picture a line in the sand) that we draw for ourselves, and we choose not to cross it."
"A boundary you might consider for yourself is to choose not to be friends with people who dont call you by your name." ~ Streetquats
"NTA, they ARE racist." ~ passyindoors
"Not just racist, they’re what I would call ‘white knighting’ in this situation, which is f**king wrong!"
"I have run up against this in online spaces when these people jumped in my face about something I said was racist when it was genuinely just an art critique."
"As the person was drawing everyone with the same damn face." ~ Lizardgirl25
"Firstly, that's a wicked cool name, and secondly, dump those jerks."
"You change your name, and they'll find something else wrong with you, because... they're not your friends."
"Find people who love your name, because it's cool, cool."
"NTA, so please stop hanging out with aholes." ~ IndigoHG•
"Your 'friends' are idiots, thinking they can tell you to change your given name because THEY are uncomfortable."
"And that BS about cultural appropriation and setting a boundary? Ppphht."
"How about you set a boundary with them and tell them to stfu about your name?"
"You know, the one on your birth certificate?!"
"And by the way, as an old person, I can say with assurance that the song 'Moonshadow' by Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam) was wildly popular in the 70s, and you are not the only Moonshadow out there." ~ WeekendFamous
"People are idiots. In your case, racist idiots."
"I was willing to believe they were some kind of woke idiots, but you don't act Native?"
"That is straight-up racism."
"I had Cat Stevens singing in my head from the moment I read your name."
"And that would have been fine by me, even just naming you from a song."
"And they might have had a valid point, if you chose that name. But you didn't, your name reflects the love your parents have for you."
"You will encounter plenty of racism in your life, unfortunately."
"But you don't need it from so-called friends." ~ Jazzy_Bee
"How the heck is a person supposed to 'act native??'"
"They are obviously ignorant racists who don’t have a brain cell to spare between them all."
"Cut them out of your life, leave them to wallow in their own racist bs. NTA." ~ Glittering-List-465
OP returned with some Updates...
"Sorta update: I wasn’t really expecting so much attention on this."
"I’ve read a lot of the comments and a few messages that I’ve gotten, and it’s great to be validated in the fact that I’m NTA."
"I do want to clear up one thing that I saw a few times."
"My name isn’t Cherokee, so I probably should have explained that better."
"I just brought my heritage up as a counterpoint to the insane argument that they had."
"My name comes from a song by Cat Stevens that my mom really liked."
"I saw a couple of people ask about my heritage specifically, which I don’t really think is relevant, but whatever."
"I’m half Cherokee and half White, though I look pretty white."
"A lot of people are saying that I should leave the friend group, but I’m kinda hesitant to because we’ve been friends since high school."
"I think I’m going to try to have a conversation with them again to hopefully fix this situation."
"I don’t want to lose these people who’ve been around for such a big part of my life, but I don’t want to change such a huge part of myself and my identity just to keep them around."
"I love my name and the meaning it has to both my parents and myself."
"I don’t know if I’ll update afterwards, but I’ll try to."
"Thanks again for all your comments."
"Update 2: I met with the group yesterday to try and talk this out."
"I’m still pretty upset, so I’m trying to keep this simple and just say what happened."
"It was pretty tense when I got there, and we were all pretty quiet until everyone arrived."
"I started by saying that I’m not going to change my name, and I asked why they thought it was appropriate to ask me to."
"There was a lot of back and forth and basically repeating what was said the other day, but after I pushed a bit more, one of them (I’ll call them Cam) blew up on me."
"Cam basically had a list of grievances with me, most of them being related to my heritage, disabilities, and how I dressed."
"Long story short, I’ve been working on myself and my health more, and she didn’t like the changes."
"She said that I was selfish for 'Thinking I’m better than everyone' and that I was making everyone uncomfortable."
"After a while of arguing with the group, I decided that I wanted to leave."
"I texted our group chat later that I would not be contacting them again and that I was done with them."
"I had to block them after that because they started sending me some pretty nasty messages."
"I’m still pretty upset about cutting them off, but I know that friends don’t act like this."
"I have friends outside of this group, so I’m not completely friendless now, which is good."
"I know I made the right decision, but it still kinda sucks."
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is your name, your birthright.
Your friends had no right to attack you like this.
Good to hear you stood your ground.
Good Luck with better friends.
