When a person cheats on their partner, leaves them, and marries the affair partner, if we’re choosing sides, it seems pretty obvious who the person in the wrong would be.
But when a child is raised in that environment, they might carry with them a very different understanding of the situation and the relationships involved, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Warm-Satisfaction227 was cheated on by her ex-husband, and when they ended things, he married his affair partner, and she was left with primary custody of their biological daughter.
But when she was about to turn sixteen and said that her mother was not her ‘real mom’ compared to her stepmother, the Original Poster (OP) realized whose side she was on.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for canceling my daughter’s Sweet 16 after she made a ‘joke’ that I wasn’t her real mom… in front of my ex and his new wife?”
The OP tried to remain civil with her ex for the sake of her daughter.
“I (39 Female) have a daughter (15 Female) from a previous marriage. Her dad and I split when she was five after he cheated on me with his now-wife. Messy, yeah, but I’ve always kept it civil for my daughter’s sake.”
“I’ve been the main parent, doctor visits, school stuff, everything. Her dad sees her maybe once a month, and when he does, it’s all Disneyland Dad vibes. No rules, just vibes, and gifts, so she thinks he’s the greatest thing ever.”
“Anyway, I was planning a huge Sweet 16 for her. It involved thousands of dollars, a caterer, a DJ, a major venue, the whole thing. She’s been hyped for months.”
Everything changed when her daughter made a terrible joke about her.
“Then last weekend, we were at her dad’s house for some brunch thing his wife threw. I only went because my daughter asked me to.”
“At some point, someone joked about how much she looks like her dad, and she said, ‘Yeah, I guess I got lucky. Especially since she’s not even my real mom’ and points to me.”
“Everyone laughed. Her dad laughed. His wife laughed. Even her grandparents laughed.”
“I just sat there like… what?”
“I quietly told her we’d talk later, and we did. I asked her what the h**l that was about.”
“She said it was just a joke and that it was funny and that I needed to lighten up.”
“I told her, ‘Cool. Then I guess you don’t need me to throw you a party since I’m not really your mom anyway.'”
The OP decided to stand up for herself despite everyone’s protests.
“She thought I was bluffing. I wasn’t.”
“I canceled everything. No venue. No dress. No photographer. I told her she could ask her real parents for a party.”
“Now everyone’s saying I went too far. Her dad’s calling me bitter. His wife had the nerve to DM me and say I’m emotionally punishing my daughter. Even my sister thinks I should’ve just grounded her or something instead.”
“But I’m sorry, you humiliate me in front of people who disrespected me for years and then act like I’m the one in the wrong? No way.”
“But I want to check: was I wrong for canceling her party over what she claims was just a ‘joke’? Or did she cross the line?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some shrugged and thought this was a simple “actions have consequences” lesson.
“NTA.”
“Your daughter needs to learn that being a little sh*t has consequences. She’s 15, not five, and she knew this would hurt you and did it anyway, clearly thinking she would get away with it.”
“I’m guessing this isn’t the first time she’s been disrespectful, just the most blatant.” – GellyG42
“Not so funny now, huh?! She’s just been taught a life lesson. Think before you speak.” – tenaji9
“This isn’t the first time that OP’s daughter, the Disney Dad, and Step H*e have laughed at the Mother. Only this time, the daughter made the mistake of getting too comfortable, allowing her mask to slip.”
“She’s now shown her true character to her Mum, and rightfully so, it has consequences. Mum has a backbone; she divorced her ex with it, and she’s pulled the sweet 16 rug with it. They’ve underestimated her, and it’s showing. NTA.” – BritishSoneLuvies
“Parents need to stop giving kids a pass for their bad behavior. If they don’t learn that actions and inactions have consequences when they are young, and the consequences are generally minor (pun intended), then they go into the real world as an adult with that same attitude and end up failing.” – MeGoingTOWin
“As somebody who is NC (no contact) with my bio mother, I agree with OP’s actions.”
“My egg donor did legit crazy things to try to manipulate my dad and stop us from being close. He and his side of the family still don’t talk crap about her around me out of respect and I’m 35 now.”
“The daughter needs to learn that actions have consequences.” – dystopian_mermaid
“You’re not the a**hole. Her comment was disrespectful, and cancelling the party was a way to set boundaries. You’ve done so much for her, and she needs to understand that respect goes both ways.” – Jazzy_Annie
“NTA. Look, if a 15-year-old thinks it’s a ‘joke’ to say you’re not her real mom in public, that’s not just playful banter, that’s a blatant slap in the face after years of respect and sacrifice.”
“Canceling the party wasn’t about overreacting, it was about drawing a clear boundary. You deserve respect, and if she can’t learn that quickly, maybe a little tough love is exactly what’s needed to help her understand the real cost of her words.” – cbusbuckeye81
“Anyone who might TRY to agree with the other family and say, ‘NTA but mom went too far,’ don’t understand OP is very obviously a single mother doing her best and dads the classic ‘talks badly of mom in front of kiddo’ type so the kiddo thinks she must do the same for dad’s affection. We’ve seen it a million times.”
“OP is NTA, and this is a good learning lesson for the kid. And boohoo on the 16th. Actions. Consequences.” – EthanDC15
Though it wasn’t an excuse, others assumed they knew where the teen learned this from.
“Honesty, I’m thinking the dad and stepmom are a part of this and are teaching her this. Comments like that don’t just come out of nowhere.” – rogerwil
“I feel like this ‘joke’ didn’t come out of nowhere. I suspect OP’s ex is the culprit behind this narrative. He’s been dropping hints and probably rewards this type of behaviour in their daughter.”
“They probably encourage her to act this way and talk s**t about her mom, so it’s normalized. I have a funny feeling that OP’s daughter didn’t get there on her own.” – Tideraf212
“It’s just a stupid kid joke around immature adults. This is like a stereotypical teen situation, applied in an extremely hurtful way to mom. Basically, Kid mocks their historically best friend when trying to fit into the friend group they are an outsider in, and the toxic dad’s toxic family ate it up.” – nbeaster
“Betrayal! That was the awful feeling I had on OP’s behalf when reading this. She sold her own mother down the river in front of her mother’s enemies. What a piece of s**t ‘daughter.'”
“I hope she grows up and apologizes before it’s too late to have a relationship with her REAL (yes, actually real, there for her, biological) mom.” – Infamous?Night6433
“She performed for people who love watching you be humiliated, OP. NTA.”
“I have no idea if p*ssing on the OP is so normalized in her ex’s household that their daughter is just doing what she always does when she’s there, or if she feels the need to buy her absent dad’s love by behaving like she thinks he expects her to, but no matter what, it isn’t right.”
“And yes, he can show his affection by throwing her a sweet 16 himself or shut the f**k up, starting by shutting the f**k up about the mother of his child.” – HoldFastO2
“I’m not quite understanding the joke. Was she meaning to say her stepmother is her real mom? Or the joke was that you are just someone random woman raising her. This situation is very odd.”
“Coming from divorced parents myself, my mom would never go to a brunch my dad had, nor would she be invited. This whole situation is weird.” – Ravenna2023
“The casualness with which she said it, and the laughing from everyone else, makes it sound like there’s an inside joke there.”
“It’s possible that this is how she speaks about you when she’s with her dad’s side of the family, and it naturally slipped out when you just happened to be there. It sounds like by pointing at you, she was ready to reveal what she’s been saying to you straight to your face while she had ‘support’ behind her.”
“NTA. She needs to understand that actions have consequences and that she needs to be mindful of people’s feelings.” – Proud_Free_1542
“I would’ve shut that s**t down in front of everyone, like, ‘Excuse me? Did you just say I’m not your real mum?’ Relax, it was a joke. ‘Okay, explain the joke to me because how am I not your real mum? What’s the funny part? WHO is your real mum? Because I’m pretty sure I’m the one who gave birth to you, raised you, loved you unconditionally, and have been there for you since birth.'”
“Then I would’ve taken her home there and then because no one is laughing at me for being the parent who stayed and struggled through it. Disney dad and side piece can f**k right off.” – Redd1tmadesignup
“That wasn’t a joke, it was a performance for an audience that’s been rooting against OP from the start. You don’t get to mock the one person who’s always shown up and still expects the red carpet treatment.” – Time_Courage867
Not only did the subReddit applaud the OP for standing up for herself, but they understood why she canceled the party and were glad to see the burden go to the daughter’s “real family.”
It was clear that they’d been raising her to disrespect the OP every time she visited their home, so if that was how she was going to see things, she didn’t need to profit off of the OP’s hard work.