When a person cheats on their partner, leaves them, and marries the affair partner, if we're choosing sides, it seems pretty obvious who the person in the wrong would be.
But when a child is raised in that environment, they might carry with them a very different understanding of the situation and the relationships involved, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Warm-Satisfaction227 was cheated on by her ex-husband, and when they ended things, he married his affair partner, and she was left with primary custody of their biological daughter.
But when she was about to turn sixteen and said that her mother was not her 'real mom' compared to her stepmother, the Original Poster (OP) realized whose side she was on.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for canceling my daughter's Sweet 16 after she made a 'joke' that I wasn't her real mom… in front of my ex and his new wife?"
The OP tried to remain civil with her ex for the sake of her daughter.
"I (39 Female) have a daughter (15 Female) from a previous marriage. Her dad and I split when she was five after he cheated on me with his now-wife. Messy, yeah, but I've always kept it civil for my daughter's sake."
"I've been the main parent, doctor visits, school stuff, everything. Her dad sees her maybe once a month, and when he does, it's all Disneyland Dad vibes. No rules, just vibes, and gifts, so she thinks he's the greatest thing ever."
"Anyway, I was planning a huge Sweet 16 for her. It involved thousands of dollars, a caterer, a DJ, a major venue, the whole thing. She's been hyped for months."
Everything changed when her daughter made a terrible joke about her.
"Then last weekend, we were at her dad's house for some brunch thing his wife threw. I only went because my daughter asked me to."
"At some point, someone joked about how much she looks like her dad, and she said, 'Yeah, I guess I got lucky. Especially since she's not even my real mom' and points to me."
"Everyone laughed. Her dad laughed. His wife laughed. Even her grandparents laughed."
"I just sat there like… what?"
"I quietly told her we'd talk later, and we did. I asked her what the h**l that was about."
"She said it was just a joke and that it was funny and that I needed to lighten up."
"I told her, 'Cool. Then I guess you don't need me to throw you a party since I'm not really your mom anyway.'"
The OP decided to stand up for herself despite everyone's protests.
"She thought I was bluffing. I wasn't."
"I canceled everything. No venue. No dress. No photographer. I told her she could ask her real parents for a party."
"Now everyone's saying I went too far. Her dad's calling me bitter. His wife had the nerve to DM me and say I'm emotionally punishing my daughter. Even my sister thinks I should've just grounded her or something instead."
"But I'm sorry, you humiliate me in front of people who disrespected me for years and then act like I'm the one in the wrong? No way."
"But I want to check: was I wrong for canceling her party over what she claims was just a 'joke'? Or did she cross the line?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some shrugged and thought this was a simple "actions have consequences" lesson.
"NTA."
"Your daughter needs to learn that being a little sh*t has consequences. She's 15, not five, and she knew this would hurt you and did it anyway, clearly thinking she would get away with it."
"I'm guessing this isn't the first time she's been disrespectful, just the most blatant." - GellyG42
"Not so funny now, huh?! She's just been taught a life lesson. Think before you speak." - tenaji9
"This isn't the first time that OP's daughter, the Disney Dad, and Step H*e have laughed at the Mother. Only this time, the daughter made the mistake of getting too comfortable, allowing her mask to slip."
"She's now shown her true character to her Mum, and rightfully so, it has consequences. Mum has a backbone; she divorced her ex with it, and she's pulled the sweet 16 rug with it. They've underestimated her, and it's showing. NTA." - BritishSoneLuvies
"Parents need to stop giving kids a pass for their bad behavior. If they don't learn that actions and inactions have consequences when they are young, and the consequences are generally minor (pun intended), then they go into the real world as an adult with that same attitude and end up failing." - MeGoingTOWin
"As somebody who is NC (no contact) with my bio mother, I agree with OP's actions."
"My egg donor did legit crazy things to try to manipulate my dad and stop us from being close. He and his side of the family still don't talk crap about her around me out of respect and I'm 35 now."
"The daughter needs to learn that actions have consequences." - dystopian_mermaid
"You're not the a**hole. Her comment was disrespectful, and cancelling the party was a way to set boundaries. You've done so much for her, and she needs to understand that respect goes both ways." - Jazzy_Annie
"NTA. Look, if a 15-year-old thinks it's a 'joke' to say you're not her real mom in public, that's not just playful banter, that's a blatant slap in the face after years of respect and sacrifice."
"Canceling the party wasn't about overreacting, it was about drawing a clear boundary. You deserve respect, and if she can't learn that quickly, maybe a little tough love is exactly what's needed to help her understand the real cost of her words." - cbusbuckeye81
"Anyone who might TRY to agree with the other family and say, 'NTA but mom went too far,' don't understand OP is very obviously a single mother doing her best and dads the classic 'talks badly of mom in front of kiddo' type so the kiddo thinks she must do the same for dad's affection. We've seen it a million times."
"OP is NTA, and this is a good learning lesson for the kid. And boohoo on the 16th. Actions. Consequences." - EthanDC15
Though it wasn't an excuse, others assumed they knew where the teen learned this from.
"Honesty, I'm thinking the dad and stepmom are a part of this and are teaching her this. Comments like that don't just come out of nowhere." - rogerwil
"I feel like this 'joke' didn't come out of nowhere. I suspect OP's ex is the culprit behind this narrative. He's been dropping hints and probably rewards this type of behaviour in their daughter."
"They probably encourage her to act this way and talk s**t about her mom, so it's normalized. I have a funny feeling that OP's daughter didn't get there on her own." - Tideraf212
"It's just a stupid kid joke around immature adults. This is like a stereotypical teen situation, applied in an extremely hurtful way to mom. Basically, Kid mocks their historically best friend when trying to fit into the friend group they are an outsider in, and the toxic dad's toxic family ate it up." - nbeaster
"Betrayal! That was the awful feeling I had on OP's behalf when reading this. She sold her own mother down the river in front of her mother's enemies. What a piece of s**t 'daughter.'"
"I hope she grows up and apologizes before it's too late to have a relationship with her REAL (yes, actually real, there for her, biological) mom." - Infamous?Night6433
"She performed for people who love watching you be humiliated, OP. NTA."
"I have no idea if p*ssing on the OP is so normalized in her ex's household that their daughter is just doing what she always does when she's there, or if she feels the need to buy her absent dad's love by behaving like she thinks he expects her to, but no matter what, it isn't right."
"And yes, he can show his affection by throwing her a sweet 16 himself or shut the f**k up, starting by shutting the f**k up about the mother of his child." - HoldFastO2
"I'm not quite understanding the joke. Was she meaning to say her stepmother is her real mom? Or the joke was that you are just someone random woman raising her. This situation is very odd."
"Coming from divorced parents myself, my mom would never go to a brunch my dad had, nor would she be invited. This whole situation is weird." - Ravenna2023
"The casualness with which she said it, and the laughing from everyone else, makes it sound like there's an inside joke there."
"It's possible that this is how she speaks about you when she's with her dad's side of the family, and it naturally slipped out when you just happened to be there. It sounds like by pointing at you, she was ready to reveal what she's been saying to you straight to your face while she had 'support' behind her."
"NTA. She needs to understand that actions have consequences and that she needs to be mindful of people's feelings." - Proud_Free_1542
"I would've shut that s**t down in front of everyone, like, 'Excuse me? Did you just say I'm not your real mum?' Relax, it was a joke. 'Okay, explain the joke to me because how am I not your real mum? What's the funny part? WHO is your real mum? Because I'm pretty sure I'm the one who gave birth to you, raised you, loved you unconditionally, and have been there for you since birth.'"
"Then I would've taken her home there and then because no one is laughing at me for being the parent who stayed and struggled through it. Disney dad and side piece can f**k right off." - Redd1tmadesignup
"That wasn't a joke, it was a performance for an audience that's been rooting against OP from the start. You don't get to mock the one person who's always shown up and still expects the red carpet treatment." - Time_Courage867
Not only did the subReddit applaud the OP for standing up for herself, but they understood why she canceled the party and were glad to see the burden go to the daughter's "real family."
It was clear that they'd been raising her to disrespect the OP every time she visited their home, so if that was how she was going to see things, she didn't need to profit off of the OP's hard work.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp