A lot of people love to be gift-givers.
Sometimes, giving a gift a person truly loves can bring about a euphoric rush.
Certain intimate or well-thought-out gifts can bring enormous joy.
And then sometimes these same kinds of gifts can be a disaster.
It's all a gamble.
Redditor Ok-Permission8346 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for getting my step daughter a Hogwarts letter for her 11th Birthday?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I've been married for four years, and my wife had a daughter from a previous relationship."
"My stepdaughter has been obsessed with Harry Potter since before I met her."
"She literally asked me if I liked Harry Potter when I met her."
"Her 11th Birthday was yesterday, and I arranged for a letter to be 'delivered' during her birthday party, and it was an admittance letter for Hogwarts."
"I thought it was a really cute gift idea."
"My stepdaughter started freaking out, screaming, 'it's real, it's real,' and really went nuts."
"Some of her friends seemed to join in the excitement, others less so."
"Her mother (my wife) held her to calm her down and explained to her that it wasn't real."
"It was just a 'joke step daddy played on you.'"
"She started crying, screamed that she hated me, and ran to her room."
"The other parents seemed to sympathize; one other father said he thought it was a nice idea."
"But after we sent everyone home, my wife yelled at me and said what I did was selfish and cruel, and she couldn't believe I would hurt her daughter like that."
"Was I wrong to do this?"
"Was it an inappropriate gift for an 11-year-old?"
"I really didn't mean to mock or hurt my stepdaughter."
"I thought it would be fun."
"It didn't occur to me that my stepdaughter was young enough to think it was real."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the A**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA, the 11-year-old should know without question that Harry Potter is fake."
"Your wife is the AH for saying it’s a trick, not helping her daughter understand books, and for yelling at you." ~ Glum-System-7422
"I don't know any 11-year-olds that still think Books and Movies are real... before anyone asks, yes, I know A LOT of 11-year-olds since I have an 11-year-old myself and I'm involved in his life, taking him and his friends everywhere."
"They do think YouTube 'pranks' and other clearly staged videos are real, but then again, some adult redditors believe the same."
"But Harry Potter?"
"No chance." ~ iwilltalkaboutguns
"Some people are more naive and trusting than others."
"There was a guy in my 5th-grade class who still believed in Santa until our teacher told us Santa was fake, and then mocked him in front of the class for believing in it still."
"He wasn't a non-intelligent kid."
"Naive and overly trusting sometimes, but yeah." ~ theclosetenby
"As an autistic person who believed in Santa until 5th grade (which was when a classmate told me, not even my parents), there's a difference between believing a lie that your whole family is trying to keep alive vs. believing that what happens in novels and stories is real." ~ SeptemberSoup
"Elementary teacher here, and this 11-year-old should absolutely have already known that Harry Potter is a fictional series."
"Some of my coworkers have Harry Potter items in our classrooms, and not one of our students thinks that we actually attended Hogwarts."
"It's very unsettling that this little girl didn't understand this!" ~ flooperdooper4
"NTA, particularly because of the last line."
"You had nothing but good intentions because you thought she was old enough to understand that Hogwarts is fictional and that it would be a cute reference to the series."
"I’m with you, I’d also assume most eleven-year-olds are typically grown enough to understand reality vs. fictional worlds."
"I’m kinda pissed at your wife for saying it was a joke you were playing on her, though, rather than using a softer 'you were playing pretend.'"
"She made it seem like a mean prank, which led to the kid being even angrier."
"Your wife is TA here, if anyone." ~ xcarex
"No. Her mother has failed her if at 11 she thought that it was real, and she may get an actual letter."
"It’s a cute little keepsake that is frequently given at that age to fans."
"I did the same for my niece earlier this year."
"We did a 'potion' to reveal her house because she didn’t know the results of her house sorting quiz, made wands, and had a whole themed party."
"Frankly, your wife sounds ridiculous."
"NTA at all." ~ CraftAlarmed4106
"NTA. Her mother, on the other hand, has failed as a parent."
"The kid is 11, not 5; she should know the difference between fiction and reality."
"I got the One Ring for Christmas when I was 7."
"I was not expecting to rule the Middle-earth." ~ This_Grab_452
"I feel like an 11-year-old should know Hogwarts isn't real... I don't think you're the asshole if you had good intentions."
"Just a shi**y situation all around."
"Also, your kid probably shouldn't be screaming that they hate you in front of people?" ~ catnapwhisper
"No, literally, they teach the difference between nonfiction and fiction/fantasy in schools starting way younger than that."
"Harry Potter is a good example of fantasy."
"I was really obsessed with Harry Potter when I was that age."
"My best friends and I used to act out scenes from the books/movies."
"We made wands for ourselves by picking out sticks in the woods and peeling the bark off of them."
"I was Hermione for Halloween one year, I was INVESTED."
"But it was make-believe, and if someone had told me it wasn’t real, my reaction would’ve been something along the lines of 'well, duh, but I’m pretending.'”
"The stepdaughter’s reaction is really concerning." ~ hayleybeth7
"NTA. All these folks saying otherwise are delusional… 11 years old??"
"Are you kidding me ??"
"That child is old enough — by a factor of many years— to understand the difference between imagination and reality."
"Most six or seven-year-olds understand this." ~ knittingmaniac420
"NTA, your wife should have had that convo with her after the party, and she absolutely shouldn’t have called it 'a joke.'”
"Throwing you under the bus for doing something so special."
"This is the kind of thing that happened at millennial birthdays all the time while I was growing up 😂 next time check with the wife first, but she’s 100% AH for embarrassing you and her daughter publicly while also putting a wedge between you two for doing something thoughtful." ~ Glittering-Bid123
"NTA - She is 11."
"When my sons were 10 and 11, we did a Harry Potter-themed party."
"They were well aware the 'floating candles' in the house were just battery-powered candles on very thin fishing line, and the wanted Askaban posters of my wife and me were not real, nor was the bubbling cauldron with dry ice in it a real brewing potion."
"I believe 11 is too old to be thinking Harry Potter or Hogwarts is real."
"I would apologize to my stepdaughter that her mother made her think it was a joke."
"It wasn't a joke."
"You thought it would be a cool thing to put on her wall or dresser to go with her Harry Potter stuff and add to her collection."
"You never wanted to hurt her because you thought she already knew that Harry Potter and Hogwarts were all make-believe." ~ DankVapor
"You are NTA."
"I think your wife is."
"I was obsessed with Harry Potter as a kid as well, and my mom did the same thing (made an acceptance letter for my 11th birthday), but the whole time I knew it wasn’t real."
"It’s great for kids to believe in things (Santa, Easter Bunny, hell, even magic to an extent), but for her to get to a point where she fully believed that the Harry Potter universe was reality and that she could actually go to Hogwarts."
"I feel like your wife should’ve seen the signs earlier and gently tried to explain that it’s not a total reality."
"Believing is great, delusion is not; this feels like a total delusion."
"And the way your wife reacted by calling it a 'joke you played on her' when it clearly wasn’t was so wrong."
"Definitely made it worse because now not only is she dealing with the fact that Hogwarts isn’t real, she’s thinking that step daddy is making fun of her/played this cruel of a joke on her." ~ sour-patch-bitch
"NTA. I find it hard to believe that an 11-year-old would think an acceptance letter like that was real."
"Good for you for putting so much thought into her gift."
"My only suggestion would be to run any gifts past your wife in the future to avoid any further mishaps." ~ Worldly-Ad3211
"NTA, and maybe this isn’t relevant in the grand scheme of things, but I do worry that 11 is too old to think Hogwarts is real."
"Your wife calling this a 'joke' is either being willfully obtuse or plain ignorant because I’m not sure why her first thought would be that you’re trying to prank this child instead of doing something thoughtful." ~ heavy-hands
"WTF? NTA."
"I did this for a Harry Potter party I threw at a library I worked at."
"All the kids (even the 5 and 6-year-olds) knew it was fake (but cute)."
"That was a super awesome idea, and you should be getting lots of dad brownie points." ~ waitforitwaitforittt
Reddit is with you, OP.
This gift sounded like a great idea.
And you had it delivered?
That was a nice touch.
Your wife may need to have some serious talks with your daughter.
It's time to learn that Harry Potter is just fiction.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp