Exposing secrets and lies is never easy.
Keeping secrets and lies is even more difficult
So what does one do with a difficult truth?
There is never an easy answer.
Redditor Ashamed_Health5102 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTAH if I told the husband of my ex husband's mistress about the infedelity?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"As the title says... Back at the end of 2020, beginning of 2021, my husband had an affair with a married woman."
"I didn't know the details, and of course, he reduced it from a physical to an emotional affair at the time."
"I had asked if her husband knew, and he got very defensive."
"Said they had infedelity on her side in the past, and since it was just emotional and they agreed between the 2 of them to stop, that it's not fair to destroy their marriage at the time."
"Fast forward to last week."
"He finally agreed to a kind of tell-all conversation."
"We've now been divorced for about a year and a half."
"We have 2 kids that we share custody of, and we have just wanted clarity this whole time."
"Knowing the state we live in is a one-party state, I recorded the whole conversation."
"The conversation happened at the picnic table on my property."
"In this 2.5-hour conversation, he said this woman was a physical affair."
"We are halfway through 2026."
"It's been years now, but I also found out that he is still in contact with her."
"Her husband had always been a nice guy."
"He didn't deserve what they did any more than I did."
"Would I be the a**hole if I told him and sent him the part of the conversation where my ex confessed?"
"Has it been too long?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?""
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA, she may still be doing it even if not with your Ex."
"Guy deserves the truth." ~ Ashamed_Health5102
"Exactly."
"He doesn't know that his marriage is already over."
"Plus, his health is at risk."
"The truth will set him free." ~ IceSeeker
"NTA. The cheatee should always be told they are married to a disgusting piece of crap who doesn't respect them or their marriage vows." ~ No-Daikon3645
"No, you would not be the AH."
"I was devastated when I found out my friends knew about my ex cheating, and they kept his secret."
"Tell the poor man."
"Let him make informed choices." ~ lunarteamagic
"NTA - her husband deserves to know."
"Poor guy."
"Imagine you never found out?"
"You’d still be wasting your life with a loser of a man."
"Glad you divorced him."
"Assume he thought you’d stay if he played the affair down as just emotional."
"It’s always more."
"Her husband deserves to make a choice like you." ~ MajesticReason7709
"Oof. That's tough."
"I feel like in these situations you have to put yourself in the position of the victim or person getting hurt."
"I think any person would want to know if their partner is cheating on them."
"The result usually destroys lives, but I mean, if people are already cheating its over, he just doesn't know it."
"Go with your gut."
"I probably wouldn't have the courage to do it unless I did it anonymously." ~ ghostbook4
"YWNBTA..."
"BUT... listen to your gut and think through all the potential outcomes of this."
"Don't just blindly listen to folks on the internet who have no stakes in your life or the outcomes of that decision, just because telling the husband would be the morally correct thing to do."
"It might be the right thing to do, but you also have to think through what this could do to your co-parenting relationship, as well as what would happen if the ex-mistress decided to go scorched earth on you and show up at your house."
"Think through how this could go down, and make sure you're prepared for any eventual outcomes."
"Make sure your kids are safe."
"And go with your gut." ~ ChippyTheGreatest
"I may be the only person to say this, but I feel it needs to be said. What your husband did was horrible."
"All on his own. "
"What she did was horrible all on her own."
"What we don’t know is her living situation/ marriage."
"When I hear of things like this, it’s hard for me to fathom that the other spouse is completely clueless."
"In some cases, yes, but in most cases, the signs are always there."
"Who’s to say that he doesn’t already know but chooses to ignore it?"
"Who’s to say that he won’t become violent with her and react in a way that could cost him, or her, or both of them, their lives."
"You never know a person's mental strength until they’ve been presented with matters of the heart."
"Just because your marriage ended, doesn’t mean that you should dabble in someone else’s."
"You’re right to feel hurt, jaded, bitter, all of those things and more, but don’t play God."
"Let things fall into place. It always does!" ~ Inside_Success4817
"YWBTA if you didn’t let him know. "
"If I were you, I’d contact the woman and tell her that you are going to expose her."
"Give her the opportunity to tell her husband herself."
"None of the parties involved may appreciate it, but so what?"
"You owe her and your ex nothing."
"You don’t know if her husband knows."
"But warning him is the decent and morally correct thing to do." ~ Ncat138
"NTA. As a divorced parent, I would say tread carefully."
"Your kids come first, your peace of mind takes priority. While we can have very intense emotions around justice for someone, especially when we have been wronged in such a way, divorce dynamics are very complicated and need to be considered."
"Maybe you can rock the boat, and maybe you can’t."
"If this has got nothing to do with your kids, and it doesn’t make their life any better, then think about it."
"I don’t know what type of man or father your ex is, but if he’s anything like most men out there, he will retaliate, emotionally, and in other ways, and it may show up in coparenting."
"I’ve had the hardest time in my life because of this."
"This is true for a lot of men, that when they decide they dislike the mother of their children, or her actions, their kids suffer."
"I would try to wait until the kids are teens and old enough to understand certain dynamics."
"And I’m always a bit concerned about whether there’s domestic violence or mental illness at the other end in relation to outing a woman’s affair."
"That’s just me."
"It doesn’t make what you want to do wrong."
"Mine is just another perspective." ~ walking_you_home
"Cheating isn't just a breaking of trust, it's also a breaking of the cheated-on partner's consent."
"If you cannot trust your partner not to cheat on you, can you really trust them to have done so, practising safe sex."
"If you are prepared to potentially risk your current co-parenting relationship with young kids involved, you WNBTAH to tell the only unknowing person in the situation."
"Your ex and his affair partner are still in contact."
"Unless the circumstances in which they originally cheated cannot recur, the possibility is there."
"While you are no longer your ex's wife, his affair partner's spouse could potentially be at risk health-wise."
"Do you have any other solid proof besides that recording you could use instead?"
"While it might seem galling to protect your ex, he is the father of your kids."
"Would put their safety and well-being before that of a nice guy, you know."
"If your ex is vindictive and finds out you used his confession against his affair partner, he could make things really difficult for you." ~ Acceptable-Net-154
"I don’t think you would be the AH if you know the husband well enough to know that he would want to know."
"If you don’t know him well, it’s hard to say because you don’t know what kind of reaction you’ll get."
"Sometimes people shoot the messenger, you know?"
"I definitely don’t think you should share the recording with him, or anyone."
"I think you should delete it."
"It’s just wrong."
"Did you record him because you’re angry that your ex is still in contact with the affair partner that helped ruin your marriage?"
"I’m sorry, that must be very triggering."
"I understand wanting to blow up her life like she and your ex blew up yours."
"But think it through before you do it because it will affect your relationship with your ex, and there will be consequences that may negatively impact your coparenting relationship." ~ AdeptWhereas6379
"NTA. No need to protect her when she was a party to ruining your marriage."
"Her husband deserves to know what she’s done."
"Cheaters rarely, if ever, stop at just once."
"They are still in contact after all this time, and I bet he’d be none too happy to know she has stayed in contact with someone she physically cheated with."
"Complete betrayal and no remorse." ~ hereforthecharm
"NTA. Do you think that if you tell her husband, it’s going to affect your custody arrangements with your husband?"
"To be honest, though, she doesn’t deserve to have peace in her marriage when her relationship with your husband blew up."
"Her husband needs to know what a lying, cheating tart he’s married to." ~ mynameisnotsparta
Reddit is with you, OP.
The truth will always find a way out.
There is no reason to protect her.
He may not really want to know, though.
Think long and hard.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp