A desire for closure can drive people to reach out to an ex when a relationship is long over. But is it ever a good idea?
An ex-fiancé turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Ok_Opening_3570 asked:
"AITAH for confronting my EX and her new boyfriend (BF) that she cheated on me with?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Long story short, my ex and I were with each other for 5 years the last 3 we were engaged."
"I started noticing that she lied a lot, which spiked my trust in her. Once when I had a business trip in Montreal, she was no contact for a day and when she finally answered said she was with one of her girlfriends."
"Her girlfriend was in Europe at the time, but she made up some elaborate story about how she was pretending to be in Europe to make her boyfriend jealous. This was ridiculous to me, but I disregarded it.
"Later I found out from this friend that she had actually gone to see this guy for the day. Fast forward to today with many more instances of this found out after we broke up."
"I was walking into the grocery store, and she was walking out with her poor little boyfriend behind her, pushing the cart. I haven’t seen her since we stopped talking."
"As I walked closer, her body language changed, and I said, 'Hey! Is this so and so?' pointing to the boyfriend. She said 'no'."
"Then he said, 'wait, ya, I’m that guy'. She then said to him, 'You don’t have to talk to him.' Then I said, 'you know you’re the guy that she was cheating on me with during our engagement'."
"And he said nothing. They then continued to their car. He seemed in shock. I felt as though she pretended to be single whenever she saw him and I was a complete unknown to him."
"After, the adrenaline in my body was flowing like crazy. I wish I had said more like 'be careful she lies' or something. Something to really stir that pot up. Something that would last."
"My question is did I do the right thing? Am I an a**hole for that?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to confront their ex-fiancée (NTA).
"NTA, and actually I'm glad you left it at that. Saying more would start to come off like you're still hung up on her. IMO this was just enough to rattle her (and him?) without being over the top. ~ peakpenguins
"OP is just stirring the pot the right amount. It is up to the new BF now. ~ Moh-BA
"You told him the truth and let him sit with it. That's all you needed to do. ~ Potential-Tiger-9646
"NTA 🤷🏼♀️ you could have ignored her, sure, but you obviously needed to get it off your chest. And based on his reaction he had no idea about you and may even reconsider her now. The lies catch up with everyone eventually ~ Alternative-Bear1475
"I'll need to check the replay, but everything seems good so far. I'll rule it NTA. ~ 12-inchChewbacca
"This was a BEAUTIFUL way to handle it. As other commenters have pointed out, saying something emotional could be construed as you still being hung up on her. Also, it wouldn't have told the full story, and would have been easier for her to lie her way out of. Drop the bomb and leave is the best way to handle it. ~ falkor_n
"NTA. OP has sown a seed that will bear fruit very soon. That guys going to think about this and trust will be gone shortly. ~ vonnostrum2022
"NTA. You said enough for him to realize she was lying. Anything more would have come across as vindictive and would have weakened your point. ~ DawnShakhar
"You definitely did. NTA. You saved him from her manipulative cheating bs. Cheaters deserve no mercy. ~ TheRiverTybur
"NTA You played it perfectly, really. It’s totally fair game to confront her and embarrass her a bit. Nothing wrong with addressing it IMO. By holding off you didn’t give off vibes that you’re still completely hung up over it. You said just enough, really. ~ PuzzleheadedRun4525
"NTA. For a random encounter, you done good. I was expecting a planned confrontation. F that skank." ~ Life_Temperature2506
"NTA. He clearly didn't know she was cheating with him. He does now. And on that basis you hardly needed to tell him to watch out as she is a liar. That much would be self-evident." ~ Dogmother123
"NTA. You said exactly the perfect thing. If you had said ‘be careful she lies’ that would have been way too kind to your ex." ~ Ok_Net5303
"NTA. I read the title thinking you had reached out online but you handled this IRL encounter perfectly. Straightforward, no BS. You probably did the man a favor by shedding light on the truth. ~ TwoPopular1542
"NTA. Also not giving him a warning about her cheating is great because now he's gonna ask her even more questions to figure out the situation." ~ WoodbutcherMcGee
"NTA. Didn't need to underline or emphasize to him she is a liar and cheater. The circumstances do that themselves. Dudes brain was already twisted into a pretzel enough, trust me." ~ AnonThrowAway072023
"You did say she lies.... just not directly. In stating that he was 'the other guy' and that you were engaged with her."
"Basically she told him a story that wasnt the truth from the get go.Been there myself with a now ex-wife." ~ Environmental-Ear391
"You were fine, you got some feelings out. You have been further validated that you dodged a bullet since he appeared to be clueless. NTA, but that you got it out instead of keeping it in." ~ Helpful-Science-3937
"NTA. But here is the thing. Stop thinking on the past or trying to get revenge. The best revenge is being happy and living your best life. And the best way to do that is to not think about her for one moment more than necessary." ~ FoofTheBunny
"NTA. You are absolutely better than me. I would have probably been petty if it was still fresh." ~ No_Vehicle4645
"NTA. You played it very well. The guy will be way more curious about her with less information shared by you." ~ decarnatedame
"NTA but in general, the best revenge is a life well lived. She ain’t worth the breath." ~ skabassj
"I honestly feel like it depends on how long ago the break up was tbh. Like you don’t get to harass someone after time has passed just because they wronged you before." ~ thejoebrossuck
"NTA. They aren't entitled to rose-colored glasses. Let him live, just not in a delusion anymore." ~ milkchoclt
"You're NTA. You made your point. It didn't escalate into an argument. And her affair partner learned that she lies and was cheating with him on you. Now that bit of information will niggle on him. He'll start doubting her." ~ Nice-Pomegranate2915
"NTA, you just said enough, now it is up to him to let himself to continue to be manipulated by her or to dig and find the truth, also it is up to him to stay or leave."
"You just did enough."
"But on the other hand, if you recently found out that she cheated on you, it would be necessary to at least expose her to her family and mutual friends for her to lose the control of the narrative just in case she bad mouth about you during that time. Good luck." ~ FlygonosK
"Don't attack him and then you’re NTA. He hasn't done anything wrong. She's the one at fault. She was your fiancée. He was just some guy who thought he met a single girl and started a relationship with her." ~ pindvarp420
"NTA, but all you did was boost your cheating ex's ego, she knows you’re not over her. A moved on happy life is the best revenge whatever that looks like for you." ~ PathA2020MLS2007
"NTA. He should probably seek you out and ask more questions if he has a head on his shoulders, given that she’s already lied to him. Get the full story" ~ unzunzhepp
"NTA. The 'right' thing to do would have been to do nothing. Just move on with your life. But what you did isn't necessarily wrong under the circumstances, either." ~ nickfarr
OP got some closure without creating a huge scene.
He simply told the truth.
Was it necessary? Probably not, but it made him feel better and may have spared his new boyfriend some future heartbreak.
