Family heirlooms can cause a lot of jealousy and tension in family's unless there's an established tradition for passing the heirloom on.
But if a sibling demands the tradition be thrown out the window just because they want the heirloom, is the rightful recipient wrong when they say no?
A young widow pondering that question turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
FlightAny7202 asked:
"AITA for refusing to go to my sister's wedding after she disrespected my late wife and demanded a family heirloom?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (32, female) lost my wife, Lily (30, female), two years ago in a drunk driving accident. Losing her shattered my world, and I've been trying to pick up the pieces ever since."
"My family, though, has never really understood what I've been going through. To be honest, they never fully accepted my marriage to Lily in the first place."
"When we got married, my grandma gave me a necklace that's been passed down in our family for generations. It's a tradition that the first woman in the family to wed gets it when they marry, and it meant the world to me because it felt like one of the few times my marriage to Lily was actually recognized as real."
"The necklace is supposed to be given to and kept by the first woman in each generation who gets married. Since I received it for my wedding to Lily, it's my keepsake now."
"The tradition doesn't involve passing it on until the next generation, so it's important to me as a symbol of my marriage and connection with Lily."
"Since Lily passed, my sister Emma (28, female), who's always been the golden child, has been eyeing the necklace. She's getting married soon and recently mentioned how, now that I'm 'not really married anymore', I should pass it on to her."
"That was hard to hear, but what really broke me happened last week at a family dinner. We were talking about her wedding, and she made a joke about setting me up with one of her fiancé Luke's (35, male) friends."
"I felt uncomfortable, but tried to brush it off. Then she said, 'At least Lily won't be there to haunt you if you hook up with someone!'."
"I couldn't believe she said that. I didn't even know how to react—I just sat there."
"Later, when I told her how hurtful it was, she rolled her eyes and told me I was being 'too sensitive', that I needed to stop being 'so depressing' and 'lighten up'. Then she brought up one of her bridesmaids, Sarah, who had a crush on me even when Lily was alive, and suggested I 'have some fun' with her at the wedding."
"As if my wife hadn't mattered."
I told her there was no way I could come to the wedding if that's how she feels about Lily and my grief. Things escalated from there."
"Emma accused me of being 'dramatic' and said I was ruining her big day over 'one little joke'. My parents took her side, of course, saying I should just let it go and show up to support my sister."
"They even mentioned again how I should give Emma the family necklace, saying that since I'm 'not using it anymore', it should go to her now. Since then, I've been bombarded with calls from my parents, Emma, and even her fiancé Luke."
"They've all told me I'm selfish, that I need to 'move on' and stop holding onto the past. Luke even said I should be grateful my family didn't disown me when I came out, as if I owe them something for barely tolerating me."
"Now, I'm questioning everything. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to her wedding after all this?"
"Part of me wonders if I should just suck it up and go, but another part of me can't believe how little my family seems to care about Lily, or me, for that matter."
"Sorry if this is a bit rambling—I've had a few drinks, and I'm still trying to process everything. There's more to this, but I'm running out of space."
"AITA for refusing to go to the wedding and keeping the family necklace, or should I just give in to keep the peace?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"Am I wrong for refusing to attend my sister's wedding and keeping a family heirloom for myself and making her and my family feel bad before her big day?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Please put the necklace in a safe deposit box at a bank so no one can steal it from you. And make other plans (weekend away or time with a couple of friends) instead of attending the wedding."
"Message a trusted family member to let them know that you're safe but won't be attending Emma's wedding due to her poor treatment of you. Then, immediately turn your phone completely off for the entire weekend." ~ teresajs
"I also suggest documenting the history of the necklace to show the pattern of it being passed down to the first daughter, getting it appraised, and adding insurance coverage. You can easily add to your existing homeowners or renters insurance coverage." ~ Reddit
"NTA. 'She's getting married soon and recently mentioned how, now that I'm "not really married anymore," I should pass it on to her'."
"No. You absolutely shouldn't. Your grandmother gave it to you to honor your marriage."
"'They've all told me I'm selfish, that I need to "move on" and stop holding onto the past. Luke even said I should be grateful my family didn't disown me when I came out, as if I owe them something for barely tolerating me'."
"So your sister's clearly met her match in mean-spirited entitlement then. I totally get why you don't want to go. So don't. Keep the necklace."
"I'm sorry you have such an insensitive bunch of idiots as a family & even sorrier for your loss. Maybe go low contact or no contact while you grieve. I hope you have other actually supportive people in your life." ~ Apart-Ad-6518
"The Petty Crocker in me says to go to the wedding and wear the necklace! NTA!" ~ WearMySassyPants
"Wear a drop-dead gorgeous black dress so you can remind them you are still in mourning as you ostentatiously adjust the necklace."
"Then go form a family of friends who love you and support who you are and leave your rolling ball of snakes family in the dust." ~ Accomplished-Emu-591
"Bonus points if she wears a mourning veil."
"But really, I would just cut my losses, not go, and find a new chosen family, because I'm socially anxious and afraid of confrontation." ~ avalinka
"No, OP should wear the necklace on an outing or vacation to somewhere that holds significance to her, on the same day as the wedding, have a wonderful time and post pictures on social media, so everyone knows it was a choice."
"Bonus points if she does it early enough in the day so that everyone at the wedding is gossiping about it. Extra bonus points if someone asks the bride why she's not there." ~ ProgrammerLevel2829
"I think this is the best idea. She is out doing something that makes her happy and reminds her of the love she and Lily had."
"I'd block every one of those toxic people. They are not healthy to be around."
"You won't feel like this forever, but you are allowed to grieve however long you need. Lily's memory won't be diminished if and when you are ready to move on." ~ teamdogemama
"NTA—no one should force you out of grief and mourning. Only you can make the determination of when you are ready to move on."
"Your family is being complete a**holes because what they are telling you with this is that they have no more room for you in dealing with the loss of your wife, which is absolutely appalling."
"Your sister is an a**hole for obvious reason, but your parents are too because they have decided that it is easier to try and push you out of mourning than it is to admonish your sister who has a wedding coming up."
"They've probably put a lot of money into the wedding, so even if they had compassion or empathy—doubtful—they wouldn't want to chance being uninvited should they side with you, OP."
"I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I wanna give you a big hug!" ~ Roderick567
"NTA. Your grief and memories are valid, and your sister's behavior is deeply hurtful. It's clear she doesn't understand your loss."
"Prioritize your well-being and stand firm—your feelings matter, and your family should respect that." ~ nicolasmohamed
"First of all, I am so sorry for your loss, and so young, all those plans the two of you didn't get to see through...your grief is completely valid and I am disgusted by the people telling you that after just 2 years you should be 'over it'. There's no timeline you're supposed to meet."
"Skip the wedding, attending would just be fishing around for more salt to be poured on your wounds...with a wider audience. Your unpleasant, grasping sister is marrying a bigot, nothing there for you to celebrate."
"Keep & cherish the necklace. Your grandmother's decision was hers to make and you're honoring her as well as Lily."
"I'm well aware that cutting off family members is a difficult, often complicated decision, but you're not required to keep people in your life who consistently bring you more pain than comfort, understanding, joy and sense of belonging."
"You may want to spend some time with a grief counselor to help you navigate their nonsense. Again, my deepest condolences, and if you take hugs from strangers, consider yourself hugged very tight." ~ rapt2right
As the saying goes, never move mountains for people who wouldn't move a grain of sand for you.
OP is being told to do a lot to accommodate her family, but why should she? These aren't people who value her feelings, so what difference would it make if they weren't in her life?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp