Family heirlooms can cause a lot of issues.
When heads of the family pass, sometimes it feels like everyone becomes a vulture.
What is left in an estate may need clarity for distribution.
Not everyone will agree on a handshake.
Redditor West-Swan5711 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to share a necklace?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (19 F[emale]) lost my grandmother a few months ago, ironically on the anniversary of my mom’s passing."
"My Grandma had a necklace that she gave to my mother before I was born, and my mom wore that necklace literally every day."
"There is not a single picture I have of my mom where she doesn’t have the necklace on."
"So naturally, I started to think of it as my mom’s necklace and not necessarily my grandma’s."
"When Mom died, I received the necklace."
"My grandma didn’t specifically hand it to me, probably because I was 8 years old and it was a really nice necklace, but she left it with my mom’s other jewelry, which was designated to be mine."
"I started wearing the necklace all the time once I got a little older, and I rarely, if ever, am seen without it."
"Grandma never objected to this when she was alive."
"Now that my grandmother has passed and my mom’s family has started to handle the distribution of all her things, they’ve started talking about her jewelry."
"Grandma wanted all of her granddaughters to share her jewelry, and my uncle feels that this extends to my mom’s necklace."
"He wants his daughter (12 F) to be able to wear it too."
"I said I didn’t feel comfortable because it feels like it’s my mom’s necklace and not grandma's, and I don’t want to let her wear it/ risk losing it."
"He said it’s not my mom’s; I can’t monopolize the necklace, and I’ve been able to wear it for 11 years so it’s only fair I give someone else a turn."
"I’m still refusing, and now people are picking sides, and I feel bad I don't know…"
"I feel like everyone else I could ask is just too connected to the situation to give me an unbiased answer."
The OP was left to wonder:
"I want to know if I’m being an AH here."
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"First, I’m sorry for your loss 🫶."
"NTA, your grandma gave the necklace to your mother at which point it was no longer your grandmother’s necklace but your Mother’s." ~ Agreeable_Pumpkin_37
"Yeah, and besides, your grandma gave it to your mom long before she died, and it was passed down to you."
"That's too personal to be shared." ~ IceSeeker
"Grief does weird things to people."
"My uncle, who was an absolutely lovely man otherwise, when my grandmother died, went a little off."
"He was arguing with my mother that she should let my aunt 'have' the bracelet/necklace set that was from her grandmother."
"In her grandmother’s handwriting there was a card INSIDE the set saying it was 'For Mom’s Name.'”
"My aunt didn’t like the set and said so."
"Uncle still had very hurt feelings and pulled back from his relationship with my mom… strange." ~ Medical_Tomato8537
"THIS! Once grandma gave it to mom, its chain of ownership left grandma's estate."
"It was already gifted, and then it passed to you as part of mom's things when you were 8."
"Uncle trying to fold it back into grandma's 'shared among granddaughters' wishes is retroactively unmaking a gift from decades ago."
"That's not how any of this works, legally OR emotionally."
"Sorry for your losses." ~ Ternerxdd
"NTA, and your uncle is thinking about the sharing of jewelry wrong."
"She probably meant that each one picks a piece until the jewelry is distributed, perhaps starting with the eldest."
"But your necklace shouldn't be included in that distribution." ~ lizzybell2019
"This. How would you even go about sharing any item, let alone jewelry, with your cousins?"
"What happens in the next generation?"
"Each cousin should choose a piece of jewelry until it’s all gone."
"A nice gesture would be if OP skipped her turn since she already has a mom/grandma necklace."
"I don’t think the piece should be included in grandma’s things at all, but if it would help, they could offer." ~ Commercial-Place6793
"NTA, my sister got a necklace that was our mom's, and then it disappeared."
"Mom passed away when we were kids."
"I see that photo of my mom with that necklace, and I get pissed all over again that my sister lost that necklace every time."
"Do not give this necklace up for anything."
"Now I'm angry all over again." ~ HungoverDemogorgon
"NTA. If the necklace is ‘shared,' it’s guaranteed it will be ‘lost.'"
"I hope OP reads the comments before making a decision to 'keep the peace.'"
"It was not in the jewelry case to be split or shared with anyone else."
"It was clearly handed down to OP’s mother, who handed it down to OP."
"OP, please stand your ground and don’t let anyone guilt trip you to share the necklace."
"There was a story a while back about a sister who let her sister or cousin borrow a necklace she had inherited."
"The sister or cousin was jealous, talked her into letting her borrow the necklace for her wedding."
"Guess who never saw the necklace again?" ~ Venice2seeYou
"Agreed. The necklace is yours."
"And if anyone had keys to your place, please change the locks or get a good lock box and hide it so no one knows where it is, or a safety deposit box for now till they let it go, or else one day you're not wearing it you’ll come home to it being gone!!" ~ 19Mel92
"NTA. I am perplexed by his reasoning."
"It was literally a gift from your grandmother to your mother."
"It belonged to your mother and has been in your possession for years."
"Your grandmother's passing has nothing to do with the necklace as far as I see."
"Your uncle is an a** to put this on you.' ~ gcot802
"NTA. Your grandma gifted the necklace to your mum."
"Then your mum gifted it to you."
"Was not longer your grandma's property when she passed away."
"You can tell your Uncle that gifts don’t just get handed back once the gifter passes away; that’s not how that works."
"Otherwise, every gift Grandma gave him should be in the ring too."
"The necklace was gifted to your mum, which then in turn was gifted to you."
"He has no claim over it whatsoever."
"It’s your necklace; do not be bullied, OP. "
"You are 100% in the right."
"Grandma has other jewellery, so they can fight for that."
"Some families honestly get so greedy when family members pass; it’s honestly astounding the audacity that comes out."
"Let people pick sides all they want; this is pretty cut and dry from where I’m standing, you are not the issue here."
"Don’t give in." ~ Silverstorm007
"It was a gift to your mom."
"Your grandma was only holding it temporarily because you were young."
"It's yours now."
"Even if it was always your grandma's, when she gifted it to you, it became yours."
"Gifts given in life are not part of the estate when someone passes."
"Ask Uncle if he's throwing everything Grandma ever gave him into the pot to be divided."
"Also, I'm sorry for your loss." ~ AuntKim1975
"Do not give them anything."
"They are entitled to nothing. "
"They are guilt tripping to get things for free and/or to feel special when they were not the ones who got the heirlooms passed down to them."
"This behavior is why it never went to them in the first place." ~ Bossreims
"NTA, I don’t know the legalities, but it’s clearly your necklace, and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to it either."
"I can’t believe there’s not another necklace in your grandma's jewelry that your cousin would be interested in."
"Is it maybe worth more money or something?"
"I can’t understand why your uncle is being so pushy when it seems the desire for the necklace is not even coming from your cousin." ~ sundayshadow007
"NTA, as I am assuming that there was nothing stipulated in grandma’s will about this necklace?"
"But sounds like she gifted it to your Mom 20 years ago and thus it became your mother’s and naturally would pass to you."
"If there is other jewelry that is being distributed to the granddaughters, then I would assume that they can have something from the remaining."
"If there is maybe not enough remaining items to distribute to everyone and it’s not stipulated in the will otherwise, I would say maybe you could make peace by not taking anything else."
"If there is enough, maybe let all the other granddaughters have first pick of other items in recognition that you do have something that did originally come from grandma or something." ~ Beautiful-Muscle2661
"NTA. Your 12-year-old cousin has no right to wear it just by virtue of it formerly belonging to your shared grandmother."
"She would not have the strong sentimental attachment to the necklace that you have."
"Once your grandmother gave it to your mother, it became your mother’s necklace."
"It is now your necklace."
"You need not share it with your cousin or anyone else." ~ PsychologyAutomatic3
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
If your Grandma didn't have an issue, then neither should the rest of the family.
Be strong.
So sorry for all of your loss.
