When we're in a long-term relationship or expecting to get married, all we want to think about is moving forward with that person and living happily ever after.
But that also blinds us to any possible red flags waving around in the relationship, and only someone who deeply loves us would risk speaking up about it, pointed out the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor FrostGlistenss had thought for a long time that her best friend's future husband was a walking red flag, and she kept hoping that her best friend would notice the problems herself and end the relationship.
But when her future husband was treating her so badly over the phone that he ruined her bachelorette party, the Original Poster (OP) called out the toxicity of their relationship, and her best friend was so hurt by being called out, she called off the wedding and their friendship at the same time.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my best friend her marriage is doomed at her bachelorette party and accidentally getting the wedding canceled?"
The OP had been worried about how her best friend's partner treated her for a long time.
"I (27 Female) have been best friends with Amy (28 Female) for years."
"She has been with this guy, Jake, for about three years, and honestly, he is a walking red flag."
"He is super controlling and jealous, and he always checks her location. Once, he called her nine times while we were just shopping at Target."
"Amy keeps defending him, saying he is just protective because he cares so much. Whatever."
Everything escalated at Amy's bachelorette party.
"Then, this weekend was a total disaster..."
"Amy's bachelorette party was supposed to be a fun girls' night, but Jake kept blowing up her phone. Texts, FaceTimes, asking where she was, accusing her of acting single."
"She kept leaving to call him back, crying and apologizing, while the rest of us sat there awkwardly."
"After about the fourth time she left the table, I just lost it."
"When she came back, I said loud enough for the whole table to hear, 'You are not marrying a husband. You are signing up for a lifetime of being babysat by a jealous manchild.'"
"Amy started crying and ran out of the bar, and half of the girls followed her."
The OP knew she did the right thing, but it came at a high price.
"Later that night, her mom called me, drunk, thanking me, because apparently, they had all been worried about Jake but did not know how to stop the wedding."
"Her mom told Amy that if she went through with the wedding, they would not pay for it. Now Amy has blocked Jake, moved out of their apartment, and moved back into her parents' house."
"But she also blocked me for humiliating her and will not speak to me."
"Half of our friend group is saying I did the right thing. The other half is calling me jealous and toxic for blowing up her relationship right before the wedding."
"So.. AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had done the right thing, even if her best friend couldn't see it right now.
"No good deed goes unpunished."
"You did the right thing. She was going to be in for a lifetime of misery."
"But that doesn't mean she is going to like you for it. I'm sorry, hopefully she'll come around. But don't doubt yourself here." - Tamika_Olivia
"The other half of her friend circle looks more like enemies. They called OP jealous and toxic but were unable to call the same to the trainwreck of a relationship. I'm glad she spoke up anyway. NTA." - abstractengineer2000
"NTA. It sounds like you were going to lose a friend either way; he would have forced anyone good out eventually by guilt-tripping her. At least this way, she doesn't have to deal with that guy anymore." - Best_Way_Rest
"I'm gonna come in with a big NTA."
"My sister asked me five times, the day of her wedding, that she was an hour late to, if she was making a mistake."
"I answered yes each and every time she asked, but told her it was ultimately her decision. I was gentle and kind about it."
"Gentle and kind... Did. Not. Work."
"He got physical and emotionally abusive, cheated on her, while isolating her from her friends and family. He even made her quit working when she was a nuclear engineer. It wasn't until her daughter told her she was scared and didn't see 'that man' as her father that she left him."
"You may have lost a friendship (hopefully temporarily), but most likely saved her life and future." - Velharthis009
"You were the only one brave enough to say what needed to be said, but people shoot the messenger. The friends criticising you are either ignorant or cowards. Forget them. Just know you did the right thing. NTA." - MunchausenbyPrada
"The boyfriend-fiance-thing was a BIG RED FLAG with a lot of little red flags. Good for you for practically saving her life."
"Just remember that her mom thanked you. At least her mom will be your friend. Give everyone a couple of months to figure it out. You did great. NTA." - IamLuann
Others agreed and assumed the friendship would bounce back in the future.
"OP, if your friendship with her is true, she'll realize you did the right thing."
"You were right. She was signing up for years of abuse."
"Her parents should have been saying this to her. Her other friends should have, too. Thank goodness you stepped up. NTA." - beena1993
"Her parents have likely been saying this to her, and she had her mind set against anything they said, and the OP helped turn it around for the better."
"Young adult children often do not like to hear uncomfortable advice from their parents. It's only when one of their peers (or sometimes an unrelated adult) offers the advice that they are more amenable to accepting it."
"When your friend finally meets the right guy, who will treat her right, and give her the space she deserves, she will come around and thank you for saving her from this one. NTA." - ofcbrooks
"The OP is NTA. The friend might not realize it for a while, but when she meets someone that's good to her, she's going to realize that OP saved her from derailing her life." - notthatkindofdoctorb
"One of the things people rarely mention about leaving a toxic or abusive relationship is the humiliation you feel when you realize everyone could see how shi*ty your life was the entire time. You didn't actually hide it very well."
"You were given advice here and there, loving hints at leaving him, and you defended him so much. Now that the rose-tinted glasses finally, FINALLY come off, embarrassment and humiliation are a huge part of the trauma."
"Don't ask me how I know."
"She is freshly dealing with an open emotional wound. Like others have said here, give her some time. Let her know you're always available as her friend. You didn't directly humiliate her, it was hearing the words out loud in front of God and everyone that was humiliating. Hearing everyone agreeing."
"NTA." - throwRA-nonSeq
"It's f**king embarrassing when the whole illusion crumbles down and you realize everyone was talking about you the entire time and seeing you as some kind of pathetic victim/idiot."
"At the same time, the people who cared about you weren't literally thinking you were a 'pathetic victim' or an 'idiot,' but of course, while the illusion is crashing down, that's exactly what it feels like, like they couldn't possibly think less of you."
"But they could probably see your experience with compassionate concern while understanding that any one of us (themselves included) can easily find ourselves in this same situation, and you just weren't ready to let them in."
"Emotions are extremely powerful things, and even the wisest and most mature among us will, under the right circumstances, not be able to see certain things due to being overcome by emotions."
"It does not make us pathetic, let alone idiots. It makes us human. And it takes time for us to realize where we might have made a mistake."
"It will take time, but your friend will realize what you did for her, OP, and no matter how embarrassed and hurt she was in that moment, it will deeply, permanently pale in comparison to the years, decades, a lifetime of hurt that she was setting herself up for." - forthentwice
After receiving feedback, the OP reflected on the consequences of her actions.
"Thank you, everyone, for your comments and for sharing your own experiences. So many of these were heartbreaking to read, and I'm so sorry you and your loved ones went through these things. But I can say it makes me feel a little better about stepping in when I did."
"Looking back, I wish I had handled it differently, but it just boiled over. Watching her cry in the bathroom over some jealous texts while we were supposed to be celebrating her was too much."
"I probably should have said something way earlier, but I kept hoping she would see it herself. I know the way I did it sucked, but I don't regret finally saying something."
"Realizing she blocked me and knowing that I might have lost her forever hurt at the moment, but I would rather deal with her hating me for a while than watch her waste years being miserable. I would have hated myself so much more if I stayed quiet and watched her suffer."
"I just hope one day she sees it that way, too."
"When her mom called me, I realized I wasn't crazy for being worried... and that it's better to face a little heartbreak now than a lifetime of regrets. Fingers crossed, she realizes that soon."
"She probably needs space to grieve the future she thought she was going to have."
"I'm going to give her time and just hope she knows I'm still here when she's ready. I just want her to be okay."
As much as this feedback must have hurt at the moment, especially in the presence of so many loved ones, the subReddit was grateful that the OP had stepped forward and said the words the rest of her best friend's support group was too afraid to say.
She would likely need time to get past the humiliation, to grieve the life she thought she was going to have and to process the whole experience, but hopefully, once the best friend had the chance to do that, she would realize that the OP had her best interests at heart and did for her what no one else would.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.