Vacations are meant to be fun and relaxing.
They are a precious, short amount of time intended to refresh a person's mind, body, and spirit.
But some travel time is so stressful at times that one needs a vacation for a vacation.
Family doesn't often understand the intricacies involved in working through travel time.
This can make family time rather stressful.
Redditor WorldlyExercise6054 found themselves in a dilemma regarding the journey involved when visiting their In-Laws, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
"AITAH for not wanting to visit my in-laws because they live in the middle of nowhere?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I have a 6-year-old daughter and live on the East Coast."
"My I[n]-L[aw]s used to live about 2-hours away and we visited them on a regular basis."
"About four years ago, my ILs moved to Montana to fulfill their dream of living in a cabin in the woods. "
"They built a big cabin, assuming their kids and grandkids would visit regularly."
"Here's the problem."
"We visited them about two years ago, and the travel was miserable."
"We couldn't get a direct flight, so it took ~9-hours of flights, including layovers, followed by a 5-hour car ride to their cabin."
"By the time we arrived, my daughter was melting down, and my wife and I were on the precipice of a divorce."
"We knew the travel would be bad, but it was much worse than anticipated."
"The drive to their house is particularly bad. "
"We were all out of energy, and there's nowhere to stop."
"My ILs are asking when we're going to visit again, and I have no desire to go back."
"My wife isn't too keen on it either."
"I feel like an AH because when my ILs decided to make this move, my wife and I were both enthusiastic about it."
"We talked about all the different outdoor activities we could do in Montana and definitely gave off the impression that we would be excited to visit."
"I can sense my ILs getting frustrated because none of their 4 kids, including my wife, are in a hurry to come visit again."
"I can definitely understand their perspective, but in my mind, I never would have anticipated how bad the travel would be."
"My wife's siblings feel the same way."
"Also, regardless of your judgment, what would you do here?"
"Suck it up and travel?"
"Break up the travel over a couple of days?"
"Unfortunately, because of my wife's job, we can't take long stretches of time off; 5-7 days max, including travel time."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"How often have they made the trip back to visit?"
"NTA, but I think your wife and her siblings need to be honest with them about it."
"Moving that far away is not going to allow for frequent visits." ~ fluffyfeather80
"That's total BS."
"My in-laws had that mindset, and my husband reminded them that the road works both ways. We alternate years."
"If they choose not to visit in their year, then they don't see us." ~ Select_Department210
"That's a very common expectation from a certain subset of parents of a certain generation."
"The onus is on their adult children to maintain the relationship - to visit, to call, to ask - and not on them to put any effort into maintaining the relationship."
"You know why they don't visit, because it's the same reason you don't visit them."
"They don't want to waste almost 24 hours on travel."
"No one does." ~ kisforkarol
"I gave up a long time ago on my mother's parents or family ever visiting us."
"Once I was old enough for my own car and was mostly untethered from my parents, I would not go to see them when Mum was on holiday with my siblings."
"Then of course, you never come and visit comes into the repertoire... the road goes both directions was my usual reply, and the cousins are like, but it's boring... we moved nearly 35 years ago."
"My grandparents visited once, my cousins (mum's side) maybe twice."
"Around when my daughter was born, my mother's sister took their mum to another family over 8 hours away, about 4 hours past us."
"We asked if they would like to visit and see the new (and first) great-grandchild."
"No, it was too far out of the way for mum, well, we can come to the town you're going through, about 45 mins away?"
"No, we don't know when we'll be there."
Fine. F*ck you." ~ seventh_skyline
"Did they not notice how terrible it was for you guys when you went last time??"
"Did they not look up travel times before moving?"
"NTA and I'd tell them that they'll have to come to you guys or meet somewhere else until your daughter is older."
"Be honest about the travel being too much."
"Their feelings are their own to manage." ~ mishney
"Wanting to spend time with your grandchildren and moving 12+ hours away from them are interesting choices."
"NTA." ~ Own-Rip-5066
"NTA. My parents moved to a small cabin in the mountains about seven years ago."
"No direct flights, and the closest airport is a three-hour drive."
"They don’t have a guest room, so the options are to sleep on their couch, camp in their small travel trailer, or stay in a hotel almost an hour away. Needless to say, none of their children visit."
"Instead of dragging everyone out to them, we use the money we would have spent to get everyone together at a large Airbnb in a more central, accessible location."
"It’s still stressful and expensive, but it beats flying across the country and sleeping on a cat hair-covered couch."
"They still grumble that no one ever comes to visit them, but we’ve all stopped feeling guilty about it." ~ RangerDangerfield
"We made a move to a big house, thinking it would be great for holidays and grandkids."
"Has a pool, outdoor kitchen with 2 big screen TVs, pickleball court, and basketball court in our backyard."
"Kids came to visit once so far."
"Town is boring to them (they are right), and the trip across Texas is long."
"We made the decision to move and are happy here, but after all the talking about it, we found a solution."
"We are renting a house in a fun city with lots to do, close to our kids' city when we want to see them."
"Everyone is excited about this compromise."
"They love this town and the activities there, and so do we."
"It’s only a few hours from them (6-hour drive for us, but easier since we don’t have young kids)."
"Visiting them at their home is not an option, as it is small. "
"We’d have to get a hotel there, so why not spend that $ on a place we can all enjoy?"
"Everyone seems to love this idea."
"Spend quality time with all my kids and their families in a place that is easier on everyone."
"I am a more accommodating grandma as my mil was nightmarishly demanding and self-centered, never thinking of the hardships her stubbornness caused others to."
"I’ll never be this way!!!!" ~ LawComprehensive2204
"They wanted to be way out there."
"There are consequences for every choice."
"I wouldn’t say never to visit, but given the very real ordeal that you’d have to endure to travel."
"I’d make that visit few and far between. NTA." ~ QuietOneFL
"No one is TAH here, unless you're being rude (you're not) or the ILs are throwing tantrums (they're not)."
"They tried something that sounded good to everyone at the time, but in hindsight is not. It's life." ~ Horror_Ad_2748
OP came back with an Update...
"Thank you, everyone, for your replies, and let me say that there's no place like Reddit where a post about traveling to visit ILs can turn into a discussion about healthcare access, the number of bras a woman owns, and how often she washes those bras."
"Citizens of Reddit, you never disappoint."
"Thank you to the native Montanans who messaged me with travel ideas."
"We found a couple of changes we can make in our future flight plan to go direct into Billings and take a short flight to a regional airport."
"I think we can save about 3-hours which would be awesome!!"
"I couldn't convey all of the appropriate nuance into my original post, but a big part of our bad travel schedule on the first trip was driven by cost."
"The new flight plan should help mitigate this as well. "
"Those of you who deduced that my ILs are in eastern Montana were correct."
"Well done!"
"My wife and her siblings are going to have a talk with my ILs about establishing a rotation for visiting."
"My wife and I can only take one week-long vacation per year, and going to Montana every year doesn't seem fair to us, particularly when my ILs aren't willing to visit us (forgot to put this last part in the original post)."
"But a rotation every other year or every third year seems perfectly reasonable."
"My wife was texting her mother today, and it also sounds like my ILs are amenable to meeting us in Billings or at another city where we can spend some time before going to their cabin."
"Great suggestion to those who made it."
"I think my daughter would enjoy the trip way more by seeing different parts of Montana."
"This is going to be my only update, so thanks again, everyone!
Sounds like all's well that ends well.
Reddit was with you, OP.
That is a lot of traveling.
Your ILs could visit now and again.
But you're on the way to a solution.
Happy trails...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp