Vacations are meant to be fun and relaxing.
They are a precious, short amount of time intended to refresh a person's mind, body, and spirit.
But some travel time is so stressful at times that one needs a vacation for a vacation.
Family doesn't often understand the intricacies involved in working through travel time.
This can make family time rather stressful.
Redditor WorldlyExercise6054 found themselves in a dilemma regarding the journey involved when visiting their In-Laws, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
"AITAH for not wanting to visit my in-laws because they live in the middle of nowhere?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I have a 6-year-old daughter and live on the East Coast."
"My I[n]-L[aw]s used to live about 2-hours away and we visited them on a regular basis."
"About four years ago, my ILs moved to Montana to fulfill their dream of living in a cabin in the woods. "
"They built a big cabin, assuming their kids and grandkids would visit regularly."
"Here's the problem."
"We visited them about two years ago, and the travel was miserable."
"We couldn't get a direct flight, so it took ~9-hours of flights, including layovers, followed by a 5-hour car ride to their cabin."
"By the time we arrived, my daughter was melting down, and my wife and I were on the precipice of a divorce."
"We knew the travel would be bad, but it was much worse than anticipated."
"The drive to their house is particularly bad. "
"We were all out of energy, and there's nowhere to stop."
"My ILs are asking when we're going to visit again, and I have no desire to go back."
"My wife isn't too keen on it either."
"I feel like an AH because when my ILs decided to make this move, my wife and I were both enthusiastic about it."
"We talked about all the different outdoor activities we could do in Montana and definitely gave off the impression that we would be excited to visit."
"I can sense my ILs getting frustrated because none of their 4 kids, including my wife, are in a hurry to come visit again."
"I can definitely understand their perspective, but in my mind, I never would have anticipated how bad the travel would be."
"My wife's siblings feel the same way."
"Also, regardless of your judgment, what would you do here?"
"Suck it up and travel?"
"Break up the travel over a couple of days?"
"Unfortunately, because of my wife's job, we can't take long stretches of time off; 5-7 days max, including travel time."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"How often have they made the trip back to visit?"
"NTA, but I think your wife and her siblings need to be honest with them about it."
"Moving that far away is not going to allow for frequent visits." ~ fluffyfeather80
"That's total BS."
"My in-laws had that mindset, and my husband reminded them that the road works both ways. We alternate years."
"If they choose not to visit in their year, then they don't see us." ~ Select_Department210
"That's a very common expectation from a certain subset of parents of a certain generation."
"The onus is on their adult children to maintain the relationship - to visit, to call, to ask - and not on them to put any effort into maintaining the relationship."
"You know why they don't visit, because it's the same reason you don't visit them."
"They don't want to waste almost 24 hours on travel."
"No one does." ~ kisforkarol
"I gave up a long time ago on my mother's parents or family ever visiting us."
"Once I was old enough for my own car and was mostly untethered from my parents, I would not go to see them when Mum was on holiday with my siblings."
"Then of course, you never come and visit comes into the repertoire... the road goes both directions was my usual reply, and the cousins are like, but it's boring... we moved nearly 35 years ago."
"My grandparents visited once, my cousins (mum's side) maybe twice."
"Around when my daughter was born, my mother's sister took their mum to another family over 8 hours away, about 4 hours past us."
"We asked if they would like to visit and see the new (and first) great-grandchild."
"No, it was too far out of the way for mum, well, we can come to the town you're going through, about 45 mins away?"
"No, we don't know when we'll be there."
Fine. F*ck you." ~ seventh_skyline
"Did they not notice how terrible it was for you guys when you went last time??"
"Did they not look up travel times before moving?"
"NTA and I'd tell them that they'll have to come to you guys or meet somewhere else until your daughter is older."
"Be honest about the travel being too much."
"Their feelings are their own to manage." ~ mishney
"Wanting to spend time with your grandchildren and moving 12+ hours away from them are interesting choices."
"NTA." ~ Own-Rip-5066
"NTA. My parents moved to a small cabin in the mountains about seven years ago."
"No direct flights, and the closest airport is a three-hour drive."
"They don’t have a guest room, so the options are to sleep on their couch, camp in their small travel trailer, or stay in a hotel almost an hour away. Needless to say, none of their children visit."
"Instead of dragging everyone out to them, we use the money we would have spent to get everyone together at a large Airbnb in a more central, accessible location."
"It’s still stressful and expensive, but it beats flying across the country and sleeping on a cat hair-covered couch."
"They still grumble that no one ever comes to visit them, but we’ve all stopped feeling guilty about it." ~ RangerDangerfield
"We made a move to a big house, thinking it would be great for holidays and grandkids."
"Has a pool, outdoor kitchen with 2 big screen TVs, pickleball court, and basketball court in our backyard."
"Kids came to visit once so far."
"Town is boring to them (they are right), and the trip across Texas is long."
"We made the decision to move and are happy here, but after all the talking about it, we found a solution."
"We are renting a house in a fun city with lots to do, close to our kids' city when we want to see them."
"Everyone is excited about this compromise."
"They love this town and the activities there, and so do we."
"It’s only a few hours from them (6-hour drive for us, but easier since we don’t have young kids)."
"Visiting them at their home is not an option, as it is small. "
"We’d have to get a hotel there, so why not spend that $ on a place we can all enjoy?"
"Everyone seems to love this idea."
"Spend quality time with all my kids and their families in a place that is easier on everyone."
"I am a more accommodating grandma as my mil was nightmarishly demanding and self-centered, never thinking of the hardships her stubbornness caused others to."
"I’ll never be this way!!!!" ~ LawComprehensive2204
"They wanted to be way out there."
"There are consequences for every choice."
"I wouldn’t say never to visit, but given the very real ordeal that you’d have to endure to travel."
"I’d make that visit few and far between. NTA." ~ QuietOneFL
"No one is TAH here, unless you're being rude (you're not) or the ILs are throwing tantrums (they're not)."
"They tried something that sounded good to everyone at the time, but in hindsight is not. It's life." ~ Horror_Ad_2748
OP came back with an Update...
"Thank you, everyone, for your replies, and let me say that there's no place like Reddit where a post about traveling to visit ILs can turn into a discussion about healthcare access, the number of bras a woman owns, and how often she washes those bras."
"Citizens of Reddit, you never disappoint."
"Thank you to the native Montanans who messaged me with travel ideas."
"We found a couple of changes we can make in our future flight plan to go direct into Billings and take a short flight to a regional airport."
"I think we can save about 3-hours which would be awesome!!"
"I couldn't convey all of the appropriate nuance into my original post, but a big part of our bad travel schedule on the first trip was driven by cost."
"The new flight plan should help mitigate this as well. "
"Those of you who deduced that my ILs are in eastern Montana were correct."
"Well done!"
"My wife and her siblings are going to have a talk with my ILs about establishing a rotation for visiting."
"My wife and I can only take one week-long vacation per year, and going to Montana every year doesn't seem fair to us, particularly when my ILs aren't willing to visit us (forgot to put this last part in the original post)."
"But a rotation every other year or every third year seems perfectly reasonable."
"My wife was texting her mother today, and it also sounds like my ILs are amenable to meeting us in Billings or at another city where we can spend some time before going to their cabin."
"Great suggestion to those who made it."
"I think my daughter would enjoy the trip way more by seeing different parts of Montana."
"This is going to be my only update, so thanks again, everyone!
Sounds like all's well that ends well.
Reddit was with you, OP.
That is a lot of traveling.
Your ILs could visit now and again.
But you're on the way to a solution.
Happy trails...
