Unfair working conditions, like wage theft or issues with an inappropriate coworker, are much more common than any of us might like to admit.
It's important to teach teenagers and young adults how to advocate for themselves in case something inappropriate happens in the workplace, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor protectiveoldersiss realized what was happening to her younger sister at her first job and offered to help her fix the situation.
But when her parents ridiculed her for getting involved, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was meddling more than helping.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for helping my teenage sister report her job to the State Department of Labor against my parents' wishes?"
The OP's sister worked a steady schedule as a teen camp counselor.
"I am 22 and my little sister is 16. I have had trouble with sexual harassment and management negligence at my last job and had to learn a lot about labor rights to deal with that."
"My sister got a summer job as a day camp counselor. It's an hourly job and her schedule is 8 AM to 4 PM. There is a law in our state that 16-year-olds can't work over 8 hours a day."
But there was an increasing problem with her sister's compensation.
"However, at work, not all the campers' parents were always on time to pick up their kids."
"When my sister reached the end of her work day, her boss yelled at her that she can't clock out until all the kids are with their parents."
"Then she tried to file her timesheet with the actual time she worked until, and her boss said she had to put 8 to 4 since 16-year-olds can't work over 8 hours or the company would be in trouble..."
"For the next 2 weeks, her boss made her work about 9 hours a day but report only 8 on her timesheet."
The OP offered to assist her sister in filing a complaint.
"I was p**sed off when I heard about this, I told her they were stealing her pay and she could report it and get that paycheck. She wanted to."
"So we texted her boss, asking her to explain when she was supposed to stop work."
"The boss acted mad at repeating herself but said in writing that it was when all the kids left."
"My sister asked if she could start putting 4:30 or 5 PM on her timesheets when she has to stay until then like she has most days."
"Her boss said, 'No, we've been over this already. Three times now. Your report needs to match your scheduled hours.'"
"I was honestly surprised her boss admitted to all that, but it gave me everything we needed."
"So we put together a report with all the evidence and sent it to the state department of labor. We wrote that the camp was both engaging in wage theft, and violating the law about a minor's max hours."
The OP's sister was compensated, but there were consequences.
"They moved fast, and she got paid for the time she worked. I heard they're investigating the pay situation of the rest of the staff too."
"But her boss is furious and spoke to our mom when she dropped my sister off for work!! That seemed so inappropriate."
"I know my sister is 16 but it is so unprofessional for a manager to have an issue with their staff and go run to mommy."
The OP's parents ridiculed her for her involvement.
"My mom told my dad and they were furious with me for 'putting that idea in her head.'"
"They wanted my sister to have a job to teach her responsibility and hard work, and not to report a small business to 'the government.'"
"I had a feeling they'd feel that way, they also didn't approve of me reporting my old job but at least I was 21."
"My dad is irate that I 'sabotaged a parenting decision of theirs' to make my sister get a summer job and learn to work hard." I said she still has the job and her boss would have a h**l of a time firing her this summer with the DOL up her a**, and that made my dad even angrier."
"He said I know that's not what he meant, and I was overstepping, I'm her older sister, not her parent."
"AITA for going against my parents' wishes?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said it was great of the OP to help her sister file a complaint.
"She's hiring them young because the younger generation doesn't know its rights and are easier to exploit."
"Truthfully we need to teach workers rights in schools." - kawaeri
"You're a fantastic older sister. If your parents suck and won't be her advocate or guide her in the right direction, she's very lucky to have you in her corner. Your folks are dead wrong on this." - natidiscgirl
"Wage theft and other white-collar crime is a much bigger problem than burglary and mugging, yet I constantly see it treated nonchalantly."
"It's theft. Your sister was stolen from. Her boss isn't a 'small business being reported to the government', he's a thief getting punished. I'm disgusted at how your parents chose to handle this." - bend1310
"I wish there was a judgment above NTA because you're not only not an a**hole, you're a hero."
"Maybe ask your parents what they would do if they were forced to work unpaid overtime or their boss decided to cut their pay on a whim." - tosety
"Make sure your sister reports to the Department of Labor that her boss is complaining to your parents. She's being retaliated against, which is also illegal." - PurpleMP12
"Your parents have quite a few things they need to learn before they can be considered good parents. One of which is that if a child's sister is better at protecting them than their own parents, then the parents are failing miserably."
"At this rate, maybe you should see what you can do to have your sister live with you. Or at the very least, welcome her with open arms once she turns 18. She's very lucky to have you, but you're both pretty unlucky to have ended up with parents like yours."
"If you live with your parents, see what you can do about getting out. That way, whether your sister could live with you now or once she turns 18, you're able to have that opportunity."
"Again, you sound like a wonderful sibling and you're setting a marvelous example. Anyone would be fortunate to have someone like you to support and guide them." - -too-hot-to-handle-
Others agreed and said both sisters needed to unlearn what their parents tried to teach them.
"NTA."
"They aren't teaching her hard work and discipline, they're teaching her to smile and comply when she's getting abused and taken advantage of."
"Oh, and they're also teaching her that it's ok to lie to save a few bucks." - Onequestion0110
"I'm just curious, are your parents business owners (or in management for a small business)? It really sounds like they're on the boss's side because they've done similarly shady things in their careers."
"Teaching your sister that she can both protect her rights *and* have responsibility and work hard is a more valuable lesson than 'work hard and just blindly do what you are told by an adult profiting off of the labor and ignorance of teenagers.'" - Wynfleue
"OP is a great sister. I don't understand her parents. Little sis can learn the value of work without being exploited by an employer engaging in wage theft."
"I would be furious to learn my child was being made to work off the clock, and I certainly wouldn't be angry if an older sibling was taking it upon herself to do something about this violation." - GibsonGirl55
"Your parents are awful and should be ashamed. If I had told my parents that happened to me, the owner would have been lucky for authorities to be involved." - Conscious_Ad_9785
"You should be proud of yourself. You set an example to your sister of how to do this the proper way, without rage quitting or continuing to accept abuse. You showed her how to stand up for herself, and how to insist on legal and fair treatment."
"Your parents should be ashamed that they would teach their daughter that it is okay to accept disrespectful and illegal workplace practices."
"She is a minor and will soon enter the adult workforce where she will potentially get taken advantage of repeatedly unless she learns to not accept that kind of treatment."
"She will have a much better foundation and sense of self-worth for her future jobs because of you."
"Oh, and clearly NTA." - ASleepandAForgetting
"I'll be honest, if my daughter's employer had approached me with ANY complaint they had about my daughter, I would have stared at them blankly, then asked, 'So did you talk to *her* about this?' and then ignored them."
"Seriously, it's not my place, *I* have no relationship with them, after all."
"Also, obviously NTA, and I hope you continue to have your sister's back. On this topic, your parents can go punch rocks." - Holoholokid
Though their parents were incredibly critical of what had happened, the subReddit had other feelings about how the OP handled the situation with her sister.
As long as her sister wanted to be treated and paid fairly in her work, she had every right to report the questionable things happening in her workplace, even if her parents couldn't see that.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp