Most grandparents love to spoil their grandbabies.
Some just can’t help themselves.
Parents may complain ad nauseam, but that doesn’t mean grandma is listening.
This can lead to considerable contention at family gatherings.
Redditor throwawayfiddler1 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for telling my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] she shouldn’t have given my 3-year-old son an expensive violin?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband is one of six children, and all of them were enrolled in music classes by my MIL from a very young age (all played string instruments, either violin or cello).”
“Four of them are now professional musicians, my husband and one of his sisters being the exception, though they still play as a hobby.”
“Even before having a child, I told my husband I wasn’t against our kid taking music classes, as long as it was at a time we thought it was right and with none of the pressure that he had to deal with, and also considering whatever other activities that could be more relevant and we could afford.”
“He agreed.”
“Now our son just turned three and my MIL – after dropping some hints that I’ve previously ignored for the sake of keeping peace such as ‘soon he’ll reach the age to start learning music’ and ‘I talked about him to the teacher that taught my kids when they were little’ – gave him a crazy expensive violin as a birthday gift.”
“Not only that, she said to my son something like ‘soon you’ll be playing like your father and your uncles’ etc.”
“I didn’t say anything in front of anybody (this happened during the birthday party with friends and family), but at some point I found her alone and I was like ‘you should have talked to us before buying that violin.'”
“And she acted like I had offended her personally.”
“I said I didn’t want to create this expectation of getting music classes, and I wasn’t even sure we could afford it right now.”
“And she said she’s more than willing to pay for those classes, like she does for some of her other grandchildren (that was the first I heard about this).”
“I didn’t want to push this further, but I feel her dream of having like a large family of musicians is now being passed down to the new generation.”
“My husband talked to me later, told me his mother talked to him about what I said to her, and was taken aback by my reaction.”
“But to me, this was not just about the violin as a gift, but her overall meddling in how we raise our child.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA here?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“I don’t get the issue here.”
“Put it in a closet and bring up playing when he’s a little older.” ~ Davros_1988
“It seems like you were cautiously agreeable when this came up with your husband, then ignored MIL’s hints instead of talking to either her or your husband, then… act like she crossed a line?”
“That you didn’t tell her there was?”
“YTA, I think.”
“This feels less like meddling on her part and more like a mix of defensiveness and avoidance on yours.” ~ BowTrek
“Honestly, I’d grab the opportunity with both hands, but first, I’d find out what my child wants to play and suggest this as a gift instead.”
“Learning to play an instrument is really great for a child, and having it paid for by someone else is the best.” ~ Pelagic_One
“Crazy to scroll so far down for this!”
“We have no context that MIL is nasty, rude, or anything like that.”
“Sounds like a passionate woman who has the means and is giving OP’s son a fantastic opportunity to explore his creativity.”
“There are so many amazing benefits to a child learning an instrument.”
“She is not trying to cause harm!” ~ zerbolini
“For real, learning music is learning another language, and the benefits of learning multiple languages, ESPECIALLY from a young age, are undeniable.”
“OP sounds so annoying… lol.” ~ SillyCranberry99
“Exactly! Not trying to tell OP to start putting her hand out and ask MIL for money, but it’s just a gift.”
“Don’t be the parents who only encourage hobbies that you like.”
“Be the parents who encourage hobbies that the kid likes, and it’s good for their growth.” ~ Smile_and-wave
“This is what I thought, too.”
“OP, you have an opportunity to provide music learning to your kid, without any cost to you.”
“I completely get not wanting to put undue pressure on your kid, unlike what your SO went through, but that is something you can change.”
“Let it be a fun learning experience for your kid, and don’t pressurise him.”
“Nip it in the bud if your MIL pressurises your kid.”
“But I don’t see why you shouldn’t allow your kid to discover it as a wonderful hobby, or a beautiful career – if your kid chooses so.” ~ Nimbupani2000
“YTA, she bought the violin and is happy to pay for lessons.”
“But you are so focused on a one-sided power struggle that you’re willing to deny your child a wonderful, enriching opportunity just to assert yourself over your mother-in-law.” ~ kittywyeth
“YTA. My MIL and I don’t get along, but if she bought my kids an instrument and offered to pay for lessons, I’d take her up on her offer in a heartbeat.”
“You lose nothing by availing your child of this opportunity.”
“Furthermore, studies have shown that playing an instrument increases activity in areas of the brain responsible for executive functioning, improving the following cognitive skills: Focus and memory.”
“Cognitive flexibility (the ability to think about multiple concepts at once), self-control, and time management.”
“Why wouldn’t you want this for your child?” ~ Butter_Milk_Blues
Some felt there was a bit of the ESH feel here…
“It is a little about being manipulative and controlling on behalf of the grandmother.”
“She is trying to control the direction of the child’s life without input from the parents.”
“She insists on paying for music lessons.”
“She will hold this over the parents and child at some later point.”
“The child should be allowed to explore their own interests, with encouragement from the parents.”
“Let them learn sports, music, art, science, etc, etc.”
“Don’t just push them to become musicians.”
“And the OP said they couldn’t afford a lesson.”
“Any sort of private tutoring, especially the good tutors, is expensive.”
“And then the child will be expected to practise because they have an expensive violin and an expensive tutor.”
“That child is being put under a lot of pressure at an early age.”
“And the grandmother will hold that over the child.”
“An expensive violin is not something you give to a child who has no understanding of its worth.”
“Give them something cheap to see if they even like playing the violin.”
“This will come back to bite OP later – the grandmother will use this if they accept the violin and use this if they don’t accept the violin.”
“It’s a no-win situation.” ~ South_Can_2944
“Plus, it sounds like OP’s husband didn’t have an enjoyable experience with this type of thing as a child – OP said he was pressured.”
“Either way, it’s THEIR child and THEIR decision.”
“I get that gma is trying to be encouraging or whatever, but I’m wondering how she’s going to treat this child if he doesn’t want to play or has no talent.” ~ Key_Opening6939
“Also, totally a total control move by MIL.”
“OP doesn’t say much but points out how much stress her husband and other siblings were under growing up to perform to MIL’s satisfaction.”
“Especially saying it’s the same teacher.”
“This has just-no–mil written all over it.”
“MIL already knew their stance as a couple and did whatever the heck she wanted anyway.”
“OP is NTA, surely a long string of boundary stomps led to this one.” ~ Sheanar
Reddit continued…
“She gave him a violin and offered to pay for classes.”
“That’s an awesome gift.”
“You are welcome to accept it or not.”
“It was a gift, not an ultimatum.”
“I don’t see how any lines were crossed, especially since you never spoke up.”
“‘How was she to know you were against the idea?'” ~ Mommabroyles
“YTA – It sounds like husband’s family really loves music and enjoys playing it and wants to foster that love and connection with their new grandchild.”
“How was she supposed to know you couldn’t afford lessons?”
“And when she found out, she offered to pay for them as well.”
“Is it a little silly to buy an expensive gift for a child?”
“Of course, but it’s her money to waste.”
“Music is great for kids.”
“She can’t turn you into that T[he] L[earning] C[hannel] family with their kids busking on the streets just by giving your kids a chance at music lessons.” ~ citysunsecret
“YTA. It’s not as big of a deal as you make it out to be.”
“As someone who played an instrument growing up, I wish I had someone like your MIL who offered to pay for lessons and a nice instrument at a younger age.”
“The younger someone starts an instrument, the better off he or she will be in mastering music.”
“If your son hates it, then don’t force it on him, but he may actually enjoy playing an instrument.”
“His age is perfect for soaking in knowledge, whether it is learning a new instrument or a new language.” ~ late2reddit19
“YTA. These are champagne problems.”
“Your MIL just wanted to do something nice for you.” ~ REDDIT
Reddit is on a few sides here, OP.
It seems the majority feels like you may have blown this out of proportion.
Of course, you should keep your eye on your MIL’s intentions going forward.
But learning the violin can be a wonderful thing.
You can keep it all on your timetable.
Good Luck.