Financial problems and disagreements over money contribute to between 20% and 40% of all divorces in the United States according to the National Institutes of Health (NIH).
Studies consistently rank finances as one of the leading predictors of divorceâthe straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.
A spouse struggling with their husband's spending habits turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Superb_Dig5580 asked:
"AITA for planning a solo vacation without telling my husband?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Back story: last year, after both of us had saved for several years, my husband bought a brand new hybrid truck. We had discussed prior to this purchase that after this, our next big purchasesâwhich we would start saving forâwould be 1) a new car for me and 2) a 'real' vacation (i.e. not one that involves us driving back to our home state to drive around visiting family the whole week)."
"This year, my husband's friend convinced him that he needed a dirt bike so they could go riding together on the weekends. I was against this and when my husband repeatedly brought it up, I reminded him what we had agreed upon when he bought his truck."
"Over the course of a few months, he wore me down and I eventually agreed he could get his dirt bike. Of course, in addition to the bike, he needed all the gear (helmet, boots, pads, etc...) and tools to take care of it, plus a new Ring camera to have on the out building where it's stored. This adds up to a pretty hefty sum."
"My husband is now planning a trip for this year to go back to our home state for his oldest brother's second wedding (we did not go to his first). He has six siblings who are all married and we've only been to two of the weddings. I don't think this one is really more important to him than any of the others."
"Again, we had discussed a 'real' vacation, specifically negating going back 'home' for a couple years as we have already visited last year and were going to save that money."
"I have now done something that I never thought I would do. I opened a savings account of my own, without his name on it, and I've started saving towards a solo vacation for myself since he is obviously more interested in spending our savings on other things."
"I had thought about purchasing a car from our joint savings before taking the vacation but I really like my current vehicle and hate to get something new while this one is still reliable. It's ten years old so I know the time is coming and that is why we have been saving towards that purchase (hoping to buy a new one outright to avoid interest as we were able to do with the truck)."
"Yes, he used the joint savings for the truck and the dirt bike. Up until now, we have only had the one savings account which we both contribute to for things like big purchases and 'oh sh*t' moments (broken water heater or whatever). I have always been more of a saverâfinancial stability is a huge comfort to me as I have not always had that. He is more spontaneous. Yes, this is where the majority of our conflict comes from."
"We don't have children. Neither of us ever wanted children. We are both in our forties now and we have had similar interests and goals for most of that time. We balance each other out in an 'opposites attract' way."
"He is outgoing and social and helps me come out of my shell and have fun going out and meeting people where I may normally stay in and not do much. I am naturally more introverted and a little bit of a 'tight-wad', usually choosing to save rather than spend which is where much of this current issue stems. He is more free-spirited."
"I know it doesn't sound like it on here, but there are ways in which he has been a good influence in my life."
"Also, he has an autoimmune disease which he has been battling for over ten years. I have been there for him through it all and I know his medical issues are part of why I let him break my resolve. He goes through so much with treatments and tests and procedures and I want him to have good things to balance it out, but I want some good things too."
"This has caused a divide in our marriage, and I have tried explaining to him how I feel. While he says he understands, I don't see him making any effort to change. He keeps making decisions based on what he wants without regard to what I want and what we've already talked about, and when I call him on it, he acts as if that situation is an exception because of this or that."
"I guess I kind of hope that this might be a wake-up call for him, that I won't keep getting pushed aside for what he wants for himself. I've made sacrifices for him through our relationship over the last 20 years but I don't feel like he's had to make any for me. I'm at a point where I feel like if I'm going to get anything I want, I have to be selfish."
"I haven't told him about the account because I feel that if he knows about the money, he will find something else to spend it on. I haven't told him about my plans to take a solo vacation because I feel if he knows about it, he'll try to manipulate my plans to fit something that he wants rather than what I want."
"I'm not going to go on the vacation without telling him. I will tell him, but only after I've made all preparations. I will not allow him time to try to negotiate me out of going or changing my plans for him. I don't want to waste my mental energy on discussing it more than necessary with him since words have not worked well in the past."
"I will tell him once I have all preparations in placeâright now, I think I'll tell him just before I purchase the ticket but certainly after I have the money saved and have a solid plan for where, when, what my vacation will look like. I want to have a clear picture in my mind so I will not be dissuaded."
"For a long time now, we've been putting some money from each of our paychecks into a savings account, which is where the funds for his truck and the bike came from. I say we, but I usually make the transfer. Now I am just putting a little less into our joint account and putting a little into my own account instead."
"He has never been the best at saving and he realizes this, which is why I am mostly responsible for the transfer of those funds as well as the paying of most of our bills. It is pretty obvious if he were to pay attention, but he doesn't."
"If he notices and brings it up, I will then have a frank conversation about it. I originally wanted to share this vacation with him, but since he wanted his bike more, I feel this is a fair trade."
"He's not a bad person, but I have felt like he manipulates me sometimes. Is it possible for someone to manipulate without realizing they're doing it? I know that's not an excuse but I don't feel like he's being deliberately mean, I just don't think he fully realizes how much it hurts me and our relationship."
"AITA for not telling him my plans?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I am saving for and planning a solo vacation without telling my husband."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"This is why my husband and I now have his/hers/ours accounts. He continued to spend way more than I ever did and I became very resentful. Now we each get a fair amount each month. For us thatâs 15% of our respective paycheck." ~ 0215rw
"NTA. But just tell him youâre going on a solo vacation. He doesnât need to know about the savings account; his name isnât on it. If he tries to give you crap about anything, tell him to trade in his dirt bike and truck. Never deviate from that answer. Because 'oh no, youâre not going to? Thatâs such a shame, so yeah, Iâm going on vacation without you. Itâs not my fault you made poor choices.'"
"I left my SO behind so I could go to Italy because he didnât save up for it (side note, my SO and I have been together for 17 years, I donât think we should have to pay the govât for a piece of paper to say we are together). Solo vacations are good for the soulâas long as it isnât an excuse to betray your relationship."
"We have separate bank accounts & we pool our finances in a separate account for bills (something my grandparents told me to do). Idk how much he has in his, & he doesnât know whatâs in mine. Our bills are paid, and it doesnât matter who spends their money on what. So neither of us has an excuse to touch the joint account except to put money in." ~ Moralee_Corrupt
"The mistake was caving in on the dirt bike. You should review that and work out why his strategy worked and how you can withstand it in the future."
"This year it's his brother's wedding, next year it will be a baby shower, then it'll be 'I don't know how many years I have left with my parents.' On and on with him always getting what he wants and you always giving up what you want." ~ Reasonable-Sale8611
"He doesn't value making you happy, and always places his needs first. He might not even consider or bother himself with the fact you have your own needs, or are indeed your own person. His money is his money and your money is his money."
"Considering he made vows to you, that does make him a bad person. Also, Grey's Law is applicable here. His emotional incompetence and neglect are indistinguishable from malice. It does not matter much if he's aware or not, when the situation is caused by a lack of values on his part and will continue to hurt you." ~ Naiinsky
OP's plan may backfire, or it may wake their husband up. Only time will tell.
