When a person moves to a new place, they usually hope to encounter friendly, welcoming people. When that move involves switching continents, leaving behind one culture to begin a new life in unfamiliar surroundings, having a guide is especially helpful.
But what if your friendly guide has unreasonable expectations or demands? Should a person "go along to get along"?
An immigrant turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their friendly guide turned out to be not so friendly.
Zillguckerberg asked:
"AITA for telling my friend that I don't understand her opinion regarding my wife's outfit?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (32, male) live with my wife (30, female) in a small city in Europe. We're both African. I moved to this city in January for a new job and my wife joined me from Africa in April."
"Since moving here, I made friends with an older lady (67, female). I'll call her Helen. We would hang out for drinks together. Upon my wife's arrival, I had to travel away for a 3 month work trip. Helen offered to support my wife with settling into the country."
"A few weeks into this arrangement, my wife complained that Helen was sometimes mean to her and would speak with her friends in a derogatory manner about African women. Eight weeks ago, Helen offered to go to the furniture store with my wife to look for furniture for us."
"As the furniture was too expensive, I told Helen that we'd buy second-hand furniture instead. She snapped at me for 'wasting her time' and stated that she was fully withdrawing her support for us and we could go figure out everything ourselves. All my efforts to de-escalate proved abortive."
"A few weeks later, I sent her a post card with a nice note telling her how much we appreciate her friendship and support. She received the post card and apologized for overreacting."
"She also said she had been having some psychological stress and that my wife could reach out to her for support until I return. My wife and I agreed from that point on to not request Helen's support anymore and just wait until I return."
"Upon my return, I informed Helen of my arrival and we all agreed that Helen would pick us up and we would hang out at a music show since the three of us had not seen each other in a while. On the day, my wife wore a backless gown and I thought she looked great."
"When Helen arrived, she noted that my wife was looking 'too sexy'. On the road, Helen kept saying she felt my wife was overdressed for the event and we should turn back so my wife could wear something simpler and 'less revealing'."
"We agreed and she turned back the car to our home. While my wife was inside changing, Helen told me 'your wife is overdressed. I wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out and sitting next to your wife in that outfit. It's a bit too much. Here in our country we would find a backless gown totally inappropriate'."
"I was shocked and unsure what to do in the moment, so I just stayed quiet. Then Helen asked me 'do you understand me?' I replied, 'honestly, I don't. But it's okay. I've never been to the show and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of dressing, but for me, my wife looks just great'."
"To my surprise, Helen responded with 'I don't feel comfortable with you right now so leave my car. If you can't understand my point of view then there's no point in us going out together'. I said, 'you're kicking me out for having a different opinion even though my wife has already agreed to change the gown?'."
"And she responded with 'please just leave my car. I can't do this'. I got out and Helen blocked my wife and I on WhatsApp."
"AITA for not agreeing with Helen regarding my wife's attire?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Helen is very jealous of your wife - it’s possible Helen wants to be your friend (or more) and is unhappy that your wife is now present and more of a focus for you than Helen. I am assuming when you first arrived, and before your wife joined you, you spent more time with Helen and probably just the two of you.
"Helen resents your wife. It is very clear she is trying to demean your wife, embarrass her and make her feel uncomfortable. I think you are being unfair to your wife by keeping Helen in your life."
"You’re NTA. However, if you keep Helen in your life and continue to expose your wife to her cruelty, then you will be in the wrong and hurting your wife."
"Helen is not a good person." ~ According-Let3541
"NTA. I totally get trying to make new friends when you've moved to a new city/continent, but this woman is not it. I would explore other friendships or opportunities to connect with people in the city because it seems as though you/your wife/Helen are simply not a good match." ~ SmishSmashPattyBash
"Yeah, Helen is having some emotional or mental issues and being toxic in the process - very difficult to maintain a friendship with someone like this." ~ ballpein
"Actually I think she hates OP's wife and is probably jealous of their relationship. So far every mean comment has been about OP's wife and she kicked OP out of her car only when he defended his wife." ~ Tryare
"Yeah my first thought was this woman has nothing going in her own life and was having a blast… until OP’s wife showed up and ruined everything." ~ pointandclickit
"THIS! the earlier warning signs (mean comments to your wife, 'derogatory talk about African women', snapping over furniture) were already the movie, this incident is just the sequel lol. you kept trying to salvage a friendship where you and your wife were tolerated at best." ~ BullRunScout
"NTA, that lady is trouble. Avoid her. That's crazy behavior. Like a parent or crazy significant other controlling their child or partner." ~ Accomplished-Copy776
"That lady is racist and was trying to change you into what she considers proper, which is to say, not you." ~ PhraseSuitable91
"I’m pretty sure this is it. She’s racist and thinks she’s being a good person by befriending and 'helping' the poor African immigrant family but they won’t behave the way she wants them to." ~ Angharadis
"She wanted her 'I'm not racist, I have Black friends' excuse, but couldn't handle actually having Black friends." ~ KiritoIsAlwaysRight_
"This older woman was out of line and jealous. Jealous of your wife’s beauty and jealous of her relationship with you." ~ Big_b00bs_Cold_Heart
"That neighbor has a crush on you and is jealous of your wife. You should cut all ties with that crazy woman, she sounds deranged. If you continue to associate with her, YWBTA. Choose your wife. NTA." ~ Icelandia2112
"I’ll say NTA because it sounds like you and your wife both thought Helen was referring to some sort of 'social faux pas', as opposed to simply being sh*tty."
"Certainly not a great look for your wife to be changing her outfit on the opinions of another woman, but this really sounds innocent on your end. But you do need better friends, sir!" ~ Bad_Estimates
"As an immigrant you usually spend the first little while figuring out the social norms of your host country."
"If OP is guilty of anything it’s of being naive to the woman’s true intentions. If she were being genuine and the wife was breaking a social taboo with her outfit then both telling her and bringing her home to change would be the kindest thing to do."
"By contrast an immigrant who blindly ignores the social norms of their host country because they think their way is best is someone who is going to struggle to assimilate. It reads to me like OP was trying to learn about and fit in to the host culture."
"I don’t think he was prioritising the woman over his wife, he just didn’t see that the woman was jealous of his wife and acting out accordingly."
"I’ve been the wife in a similar situation too."
"Immigrated with my husband knowing no one. We were going to a music show with a particular type of music that has a style of dress associated with it that is very colourful and flouncy. My husband encouraged me to wear this dress as in both of our minds it was appropriate."
"Arrived at the venue to find that not only were we the only poc in the entire event but literally every other person was wearing black or dark tones. I felt like I had a giant neon sign over my head the whole time."
"I would have loved to have someone local take me aside before the event and let me know that what I was wearing was inappropriate."
"I don’t think OP is the a**hole for taking this person's comments in good faith, but reviewing the totality of her behaviour, it’s clear that she has an ulterior motive and is not a good person to continue a relationship with. NTA, OP." ~ 0wellwhatever
The OP added:
"I've apologized to my wife for thinking Helen had our best interests in mind. I have taken this as a huge learning experience moving forward."
Knowing who to trust in a new place can be difficult. Having guidance, without guilting or shaming, to understand cultural differences is helpful. But when it comes with judgment, it's best to leave it behind.
