Everyone knows that a person can decide what the rules are in their own home, and it's generally understood that those rules should be respected upon visiting them.
But while some people technically know this, they still refuse to respect other people's rules when visiting someone else's house, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor AdeptnessBubbly5400 was sunbathing in her own backyard next to her own pool, and because her husband forgot to tell her, she also wasn't expecting company, so she was sunbathing without a top.
She was already surprised enough when her husband's sister and family showed up, but when they shamed her for being topless in their presence, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time for them to leave, even though they demanded to use her pool.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for sunbathing topless at my own house and kicking out my husband's sister and her family?"
The OP was relaxing when unexpected guests arrived at her house.
"I (25 Female) had started sunbathing topless next to our backyard pool."
"I had no idea anyone was coming, and I was shocked when I saw my husband's sister, Chloe, her husband, Mike, and their eight-year-old son walking up to me."
The family of three was rude to the OP instead of giving her privacy.
"They were staring at my boobs, and Chloe (38 Female) stood over me while saying, 'Really? Topless while we're coming over?'"
"Mike just kept staring at me, and I didn't know what t he f**k to say. I ended up covering my nipples with my arm, and Chloe finally pulled them back towards the house."
"I put on my top and went inside and Chloe gave me a dirty look and told me not to leave all of my boobs hanging out for her husband and kid to see next time."
"Also, a previous time we hung out, she had told me to cover up more around her husband, but we were literally both wearing bikinis, just my boobs are bigger."
The OP didn't like being told what to do in her own home.
"I blew up on them, saying I didn't know they were even coming over."
"My husband apologized to CHLOE, saying he forgot to tell me they were coming and he thought he already did (apparently she texted him earlier, and he had let them in)."
"I was mad, and I told them they needed to leave."
"Chloe and Mike argued with me and said that their son was looking forward to using our pool, and my husband tried to calm me down, but I pushed them out."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: No A**holes
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the family could have handled the situation much better.
"NTA. They should have quickly pretended not to see you, gone back, and discreetly told your husband, who at that point could have said something to you."
"Everyone should have just pretended this did not happen and made a mental note on how to prevent future incidents."
"Instead, they came right up to you, stared to make you uncomfortable, and then chastised you in your own house!" - dzelthenmaize
"NTA. Chloe needs to shut up. It's not her house, she doesn't get to tell you to put it away. Entitled much? Sheesh."
"And your husband should not be acting like he's the only one who lives there. He's an a**." - savagefleurdelis23
"The way that sister acted, I think the OP needs to disallow all pool privileges until further notice. She acted like she had a right to be upset. She wasn't contrite in the least! No, no pool for you!" - gobsmacked247
"…Why did they feel the need to all go right up to you and ogle you? You should have super kicked them out. NTA." - colossalgoji
"It's pretty disturbing how the sister had her husband and son just standing there ogling her breasts and then acting all offended. OP's husband apparently has no problem with his sister's husband staring at his wife's naked breasts."
"If he knew they were coming over, he would have protected his wife's right to privacy before another man saw his wife in that position. I'd never trust my husband again. I wouldn't feel like he'd ever protect me from a male predator but hand me over instead and then victim blame me for being assaulted." - CharliAP
"NTA for sunbathing in your own house or for kicking them out. They should've apologized for reacting like they did once it was clear they surprised you. By not apologizing, it shows they care more about using your pool than you as a person." - geekylace
"NTA. As a woman, Chloe should have noticed as they were walking towards you, and instead steered her husband and child back inside. To allow her husband to come right up and look at you is so offensive. And then for her child to also see you in a state of undress."
"This is such bad manners on their part, but also clearly a deliberate attempt to shame and humiliate you."
"A reasonable person would have realised and protected your modesty. There was absolutely no need to continue to walk forward to a point twhere hey stood right over you. They would all have known this was inappropriate."
"It sounds like Chloe has a lot of issues with you, and perhaps jealousy, to act in this way. Her husband clearly doesn't have respect for either you or your husband to not have steered the family away."
"Please talk to your husband and show him these comments. He needs to have some boundaries with them and not allow his sister and her family to disrespect you both."
"They'd definitely be off my Christmas card list, and I would never be anything other than distant with them. They definitely wouldn't be welcome in my home or pool anymore. This is just appalling behaviour on their side. Until they both re-evaluate and accept how offensively they behaved, and apologise."
"The entitlement of Chloe to lecture you when they came over with little notice and were guests... That's just unacceptable."
"She's being ridiculous for thinking you were in some way being deliberate, and assuming it was a power move on your part and or something sexual. What poor character Chloe and her husband possess." - No-Fish9282
Others agreed and felt the OP had handled the situation reasonably.
"If I were the sister, I would have turned right around and told my husband and son to close their eyes and go back inside. I would have gone to my brother and asked if his wife was even aware that we were coming over today and then at least poked fun at him for forgetting to tell her."
"How ignorant and icky are these people that they ogled OP like that. It's her own d**n house for one thing, not theirs. She can dress or undress however the eff she wants to. And she should be able to do it without perverted weirdo family members staring right over top of her or having anything to say about it."
"Also, being so entitled about the pool is gross. Figure out other pool accommodations if you're going to act like that; you're not welcome in this one."
"NTA. Get the eff out of my house." - Frequent_Couple5498
"NTA. SIL thought she had to make sure OP knows she's a hussy and a wh*re for having the gall to have larger boobs and be younger than SIL. Women can be the most vicious creatures when they feel insecure about another woman, and since we don't usually fight by throwing punches, it's psychological warfare."
"So of course, the older SIL who's had a child has to make sure OP knows she should be ashamed for... being herself on her own property. Gross. NTA." - SoulLessGinger992
"Until you get an apology for their rude behavior and condescending tone, they are not welcome back."
"I would honestly tell your husband, since he forgot to tell you they were coming over, that he's also lost the right to tell people they can come over: otherwise, next time, you might just be topless in front of his friends, as well." - Big-Tomorrow2187
"Your house, your pool. You can even be a nudist at home if you'd like. Only AH here is your husband for not letting you know guests were coming... and then the guests for not saying something before they got to the point of standing over you."
"At a minimum, he should have told you that his sister and family were coming over, but I still think it would have been better to ask if it was okay with you at all right then." - Public_Beefout
"NTA, and blame your husband for how he didn't tell you that they were coming over. Being your husband, I would think that he'd know that you prefer to sunbathe topless and might have let you know they had arrived."
"His sister should have kept her mouth shut because you were in your home and you could do whatever you want. She wouldn't like it if you came over and told her to change her decorations and judged her for how she raises her kid." - Rimuru_The_Junior
"Sounds like they are no longer welcome in your home since SIL is not comfortable."
"And BIL for staring at her breasts instead of turning his head like a decent married grown a** man would do it, too. He should apologize for being a disgusting piece of s**t, too."
"Any apology at this point from SIL will not be genuine and will only be about her having access to pool time. Although I would never want to be around any of them again, and wouldn't care about apologies at this point. I'd never want to be around him specifically again."
"Husband needs to man up. His sister deserved zero apology. The only one who deserved an apology was you for him not informing you of guests coming over, for SIL's attitude about what you do in your own home, and for BIL inappropriately looking at you and setting a bad example for his son." - Present-Duck4273
The subReddit was shocked by how the OP was treated by her in-laws for how she behaved in her own home when she wasn't expecting guests, and what's worse, even when the misunderstanding was realized, they continued to push the issue instead of apologizing.
Most could not imagine the family being welcome to come over and use the pool anymore, but some even went so far as to wonder how much of a relationship to have with them at all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp