Redditor Refuses To Take Care Of Elderly Mother-In-Law Anymore After 16 Years Of 'Disrespect'

It's a sad but true reality that life is a circle, where our parents take care of us when we are young, and we find ourselves taking care of them when they grow old.

For all the stress and anxiety this may cause, most people do so without a second thought, as they want to repay all the love and support our parents gave us.

This isn't always easy for those who didn't have a happy childhood, or when the people we care for aren't even our parents.

Redditor Few_Role_6580's mother-in-law (MIL) was growing older, and her health was steadily declining.

As a result, the original poster (OP) had to give her a lot of attention.

Unfortunately, the OP did not have a great relationship with her MIL, and it didn't get any better while she was caring for her.

Eventually, the OP wondered if she was even capable of caring for her anymore.

Wondering if she would be wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA)?, where she asked fellow Redditors:

"AITA for finally saying 'I can’t do this anymore' to caring for my elderly mother-in-law after 16 years of disrespect and sacrificing my own family?"

The OP explained why she didn't think she was in a position to care for her MIL any more:

"I’m trying to work out whether I’m selfish or have simply reached the point where I have nothing left to give."

"My husband and I have been together 16 years, and my relationship with my MIL was difficult from the get-go."

"She repeatedly crossed boundaries and disrespected me."

"She still calls me by my husband’s ex-wife’s name."

"For years she told me details about their marriage, compared me to her unfavorably and shared things I never wanted to know."

"She was an alcoholic while my husband was growing up and is now clearly dependent on prescription medication."

"She is not a particularly nice person."

"My husband doesn’t have a close relationship with her either, but she is his elderly, vulnerable mother and he is her only child."

"In 2017, while pregnant with our daughter, we moved 400 miles from my family."

"I was reluctant, but it was important to my husband, so I made it important to me."

"We were expecting their first grandchild, and I loved my father-in-law."

"I tried incredibly hard and made a good life here."

"I raised our daughter and supported my husband and his family."

"Then, in 2023, my father-in-law died."

"Nine days later, my brother died."

"My brother was my safe space; I adored him."

"I was miles away, supporting my husband and caring for my MIL"

"I eventually traveled back for his funeral, but there was never really space for my grief where we live."

"My husband was grieving, my MIL needed support and our daughter was grieving her grandad."

"When I talked about my brother, conversations were turned to my father-in-law. I understood why, but I carried my grief alone."

"Three years later, I’m still struggling with it."

"Now my MIL is 84, with COPD and cognitive deterioration."

"She forgets people have died, including her husband; becomes disorientated; repeats conversations; forgets care arrangements; and becomes paranoid."

"She has accused my husband of trying to kill her and accused me of hiding things and, bizarrely, sleeping with her deceased husband."

"I have dedicated enormous amounts of care towards her because I love my husband and daughter."

"She stays with us often, but I’m constantly waiting for the next crisis, and I can’t relax in my own home."

"I become so overwhelmed."

"My entire life feels organized around everyone else."

"Somewhere along the way, I disappeared."

"I no longer want my MIL staying with us."

"I don’t want to provide this level of care or spend weeks being responsible for her."

"Last year my mental health reached crisis level."

"I sat crying and called the Samaritans."

"They helped."

"I told my husband, but his response was to make a list of money I owed him for the credit card."

"Something in me broke."

"A few days later, my MIL became ill."

"I had to collect her, bring her home, and care for her for two weeks."

"I felt completely invisible."

"I have spent 16 years navigating this situation, which has closed in on me."

"Now I don’t think I can."

"AITA?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to care for her MIL anymore.

Not only did everyone agree that the amount of time the OP was dedicating to her MIL was seriously damaging her mental health, but that the OP should also consider leaving her husband in an effort to protect herself:

"NTA but you have to leave."

"I’m not saying permanently if you don’t want to but f*cking leave!"

"Go find joy!"

"Find something you love and f*cking run to it."

"It seems like everyone is capable of picking up the slack."

"It is much easier to be alive and feel selfish than it is to be dead and feel nothing."

"Please choose life, your life."- Kellieisgay

"NTA, your husband however is TA."

"Why isn't he taking care of his Mother?"- SusieQTG

"NTA."

"You need to get rid of your husband, however."

"If your brother was your safe space and your husband has provided all of zero support to you during periods of crisis, it's time to end this marriage."

"I understand that this isn't what you asked for, but his responses to your issues are incredibly telling."

"Please seek resources and save yourself, because your husband isn't going to just magically let you out of this current arrangement."- vampireRN1617

"NTA. Couple of things jumped out at me from your post, and these are not in order of importance, just in the order of your post:"

"Your brother's Death."

"I'm so sorry you had such a large part of your life vanish, and you've had no room to be able to sort through and work through your grief."

"Death is like a wound."

"Even when it heals, another death can reopen that old wound."

"And without treatment (or grieving), that wound just stays there, maybe scabbed over, but not properly healed. Your MIL - sounds like dementia; might not be, but sounds like it."

"And you're not equipped nor qualified nor properly placed to look after her."

"She will continue to deteriorate, and even if you had the best relationship in the world, caring for someone with dementia takes everything from you."

"I love my Granny with my whole heart and see her every week so she can see her great granddaughter (my daughter), even if neither of them remember."

"But there's no way I would care for her."

"No way I'd let my mum care for her."

"Because I used to work in a care home looking after people with dementia and it is tough and you need to be able to walk away at the end of your shift."

"You don't have that walking away if you're looking after her. Your mental health."

"Thank you so much for reaching out to the Samaritans and now here for help."

"We are not islands, and I think you can see from the responses here and the fact that the Samaritans exists, people who don't know you want to care for you."

"Your husband's response about the credit cards."

"Only you will know if that's a normal response from him or an out-of-the-ordinary one."

"If it's out of the ordinary, it might be that he was having difficulty processing what you revealed."

"If it is not out of the ordinary, I want you to ask yourself: if my daughter told me her husband reacted in the same way to the same news, would I think that was acceptable to her?"

"Now, next steps."

"Get yourself to the GP and discuss ALL of this."

"Show them this post. Start figuring out a backup plan if your husband isn't supportive."

"Do you have funds for a place by yourself?"

"Do you work?"

"Can you get back into the working world?"

"Call adult social care and explain you can no longer care for your MIL."

"Don't tell your husband you're doing this until afterward. Tell someone, one of your family members or a friend, EVERYTHING."

"If you were my friend and you were keeping this from me because you didn't want to burden me etc., I would feel awful that I couldn't be there for you when you need it. Keep reaching out."

"Keep asking for help. We all rely on each other."

"I rely on someone from the 90s who built my house, I rely on someone who engineered indoor plumbing, I rely on my friends to give me the space to be me, I rely on people helping me through a door when I'm pushing a pram - we all need each other in different ways all the time, it's not weakness, it's part of being human."

"Keep reaching out."- Pumkin_Girl

It goes without saying that the OP's mother is in a position that requires round-the-clock care.

What is also clear is that this care should not be provided by the OP for a multitude of reasons.

Namely, continuing to care for her MIL, and even staying in this marriage, could have devastating consequences on the OP's mental health.