Bonding time between new parents and newborns is a special part of the process.
Those first few weeks can also be stressful.
Parents are adjusting to a whole new life.
So having boundaries with visitors can be imperative.
Not all in-laws accept that boundary.
And not all intended "help" is helpful.
Redditor Zestyclose_Dance_343 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole"(AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA For kicking my mother in law out of my house after our baby was born?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"When our first baby was born, my wife and I were extremely excited to bond with him."
"In order to focus on bonding with the baby and get to know our new family, we decided that for the first week after his birth, we didn’t want to host anyone from out of town and would like visitors for only a short amount of time, an hour at most."
"This was clearly communicated to all our friends and family, well before the baby was born."
"Two days after our baby was born, my M[other]-I[n[n-L[aw], who lives out of town, surprised us on our doorstep with bags packed, clearly intending to stay with us."
"She intentionally didn’t tell us she was coming, because she knew we would have said no. "
"Obviously, we were both extremely uncomfortable about her breaking this clear boundary, but she was already here with nowhere else for her to go, so we let her stay and moved on."
"Over the course of the next few days, I ended up doing tons of work for my mother-in-law."
"Instead of spending time with my wife and baby, I was repairing the handrail on our stairs so my mother-in-law wouldn’t fall."
"I was cooking dinner for my mother-in-law, going to the grocery store to buy her specific dietary needs, which differed from ours, driving my mother-in-law to HER family’s homes so that she could see her relatives, and then picking her up when she was done."
"Whenever my mother-in-law was home with us, she never helped with anything."
"She sat on the sofa with our baby and my wife while I cooked, cleaned, and ran errands."
"After a few days of this, my wife and I agreed this was inappropriate."
"We confronted her about it, and she got extremely defensive and hostile, especially toward me."
"She said she wasn’t here for me, she was here for the baby and her daughter, and that I wasn’t any of her concern."
"At this point, I lost it."
"I was furious and told her it was time for her to leave."
"After some arguing, eventually my mother-in-law packed her stuff and stormed out."
"My wife and I have spoken about the whole situation, and she is really sad about how everything played out and is now worried about our future relationship with my mother-in-law, as this is obviously going to have a lasting impact."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So Reddit, AITA for kicking my mother-in-law out of the house after our baby was born?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Should have dropped her off at her family's place when she showed up at your doorstep unannounced."
"She knew what she was doing, and you took the bait." ~ recreationalgluttony
"She's going to frame you as the villain, OP."
"I don't blame you, though."
"MiL didn't come to help; this was a vacation for her."
"The disgusting thing she used her daughter and grandchild as an excuse."
"She didn't even think about how hard it must have been for you and your wife, which became an additional stress." ~ IceSeeker
"OP needs to embrace the role of villain and protect wife and child."
"If MiL did this once, she'll do it again until you refuse to allow her in the house, especially if she's carrying any luggage." ~ BoyMamaBear1995
"And OP was too busy dealing with MIL’s wants that they missed out on the bonding time."
"That should be mentioned any time someone says something negative about how OP was to MIL" ~ Inevitable-Win2555
"I so agree!"
"OP, when you mentioned a family home, that is where you should have directed her to."
"And if that, for some reason, wasn't an option, I would have asked which hotel she was staying at."
"When she said she wasn't, I would have said, 'Well, come on in, and we'll get you set up at one.'"
"She had clear instructions and chose to break the boundary anyway."
"And any strain in the relationship is on her."
"You guys need to concentrate on your family and let MIL sulk on her own." ~ AlternativeTribs
"NTA. One of the most crushing things to do to someone who shows up is to answer the door and send them away with 'We told you not to come' and close the door on them."
"That's what needed to happen, but it's an expensive lesson to teach MIL; she won't forgive." ~ Tazmosis85
"Yep, she would have been sent to a hotel or another family member's house, and if my partner didn't support me after such a clear boundary, we would be having serious marital problems that would have to be resolved."
"I would not be a side player in my own house, and I will not accept anyone breaching my boundaries."
"The fact that she openly said she didn't give a rat's a** about you and your wife failed to stand up for you is a serious problem." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"NTA, is anyone worried about a father who lost precious moments with his son?"
"I understand your MIL is from a generation whose men didn't want to be close to babies, but your wife should know better." ~ Chocolatecandybar_
"NTA. If she were there for your wife and baby, she'd have been doing the cooking and the cleaning and making life easier for your wife, who wanted her husband with her."
"She wasn't there for your wife."
"She was there for herself."
"Your wife is the one who, unfortunately, has to lay this out to her mother."
"Not you, because you're already the 'bad guy' and this is her mother."
"Not yours."
"She has to be firm, despite her sadness, and lay out this boundary now, or it will set a precedent for every other time with your baby that your MIL feels entitled to force her way into." ~ Panaccolade
"Exactly this! NTA."
"My mom came to stay with us when I had my baby."
"She is an early riser, so she told me to just have a bottle ready (I pumped), and then between 4am-9am, she took up the diaper change/feeding."
"She also cooked for us, helped hubby clean, and sent an updated grocery list we may need so husband could buy on the way home from work."
"This gave me time to heal and rest, as she would barely let me do anything."
"Also gave hubby so much more time to bond with the kiddo. "
"Hubby got a full 1-1 time between 6 and 8 pm with the baby as he didn’t need to worry about dinner."
"We were blessed to have her."
"No wonder we wanted her to stay beyond the 6 weeks she was with us :) :) "
"On the other hand, my father-in-law, who normally lives with us, was aware enough to realize he would increase our workload by being with us."
"He went and stayed with my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw]for 3 months so I didn’t need to worry about him."
"You MIL is TA."
"You are either a help to new parents or realize you are not and at least leave them alone. "
"She did neither." ~ Nimbupani2000
"When someone shows up - with luggage - after you clearly communicated boundaries - they absolutely have somewhere to go and can go right back where they came from."
"I can’t believe she showed up and treated you like her servant - good for you for kicking her out."
"Any repairing of that relationship needs to be by her hand."
"She messed up big time. NTA." ~ sjyffl
"NTA. You MIL stomped all over your boundaries and needs to be told no."
"If your future relationship hinges on you being uncomfortable in your own home, is that really one you want to maintain?"
"This is a wake-up call for either a healthier relationship between all of you, or it'll end it, and if it ends it, it was always going to end when you stood up for yourself." ~ Flimsy-Brick-9426
"NTA. I know your wife just gave birth, but she should have told her mother to leave sooner."
"Not accepting the way she was treating you in your own home and ruining your time with the baby." ~ Durchie87
"I had to throw my MIL out once."
"10/10 still one of the best decisions I ever made."
"She had come over to have an argument with my wife, and it turned into a one-way shouting match with her doing the shouting and my wife crying."
"I put my 2 kids in one bedroom and asked my wife if she was ok (she quite clearly wasn’t), but she told me to look after the kids, and she would sort it."
"Which I obviously did, but she didn’t."
"I asked twice more and got the same reaction, but the last time I was so cross, I shouted at my MiL and threw her out of the house."
"I still get stick occasionally from my wife for doing it."
"My only regret was not doing it sooner." ~ SirLostit
"NTA. You don't need a relationship with your in-laws."
"She knew she was being an a**hole and did it all anyway." ~ slendermanismydad
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your MIL's behavior is outrageous and beyond the pale.
You had every right to stand up to her.
You were protecting yourself and your family.
Stay strong.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp