Bonding time between new parents and newborns is a special part of the process.
Those first few weeks can also be stressful.
Parents are adjusting to a whole new life.
So having boundaries with visitors can be imperative.
Not all in-laws accept that boundary.
And not all intended "help" is helpful.
Redditor Zestyclose_Dance_343 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole"(AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA For kicking my mother in law out of my house after our baby was born?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"When our first baby was born, my wife and I were extremely excited to bond with him."
"In order to focus on bonding with the baby and get to know our new family, we decided that for the first week after his birth, we didn’t want to host anyone from out of town and would like visitors for only a short amount of time, an hour at most."
"This was clearly communicated to all our friends and family, well before the baby was born."
"Two days after our baby was born, my M[other]-I[n[n-L[aw], who lives out of town, surprised us on our doorstep with bags packed, clearly intending to stay with us."
"She intentionally didn’t tell us she was coming, because she knew we would have said no. "
"Obviously, we were both extremely uncomfortable about her breaking this clear boundary, but she was already here with nowhere else for her to go, so we let her stay and moved on."
"Over the course of the next few days, I ended up doing tons of work for my mother-in-law."
"Instead of spending time with my wife and baby, I was repairing the handrail on our stairs so my mother-in-law wouldn’t fall."
"I was cooking dinner for my mother-in-law, going to the grocery store to buy her specific dietary needs, which differed from ours, driving my mother-in-law to HER family’s homes so that she could see her relatives, and then picking her up when she was done."
"Whenever my mother-in-law was home with us, she never helped with anything."
"She sat on the sofa with our baby and my wife while I cooked, cleaned, and ran errands."
"After a few days of this, my wife and I agreed this was inappropriate."
"We confronted her about it, and she got extremely defensive and hostile, especially toward me."
"She said she wasn’t here for me, she was here for the baby and her daughter, and that I wasn’t any of her concern."
"At this point, I lost it."
"I was furious and told her it was time for her to leave."
"After some arguing, eventually my mother-in-law packed her stuff and stormed out."
"My wife and I have spoken about the whole situation, and she is really sad about how everything played out and is now worried about our future relationship with my mother-in-law, as this is obviously going to have a lasting impact."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So Reddit, AITA for kicking my mother-in-law out of the house after our baby was born?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Should have dropped her off at her family's place when she showed up at your doorstep unannounced."
"She knew what she was doing, and you took the bait." ~ recreationalgluttony
"She's going to frame you as the villain, OP."
"I don't blame you, though."
"MiL didn't come to help; this was a vacation for her."
"The disgusting thing she used her daughter and grandchild as an excuse."
"She didn't even think about how hard it must have been for you and your wife, which became an additional stress." ~ IceSeeker
"OP needs to embrace the role of villain and protect wife and child."
"If MiL did this once, she'll do it again until you refuse to allow her in the house, especially if she's carrying any luggage." ~ BoyMamaBear1995
"And OP was too busy dealing with MIL’s wants that they missed out on the bonding time."
"That should be mentioned any time someone says something negative about how OP was to MIL" ~ Inevitable-Win2555
"I so agree!"
"OP, when you mentioned a family home, that is where you should have directed her to."
"And if that, for some reason, wasn't an option, I would have asked which hotel she was staying at."
"When she said she wasn't, I would have said, 'Well, come on in, and we'll get you set up at one.'"
"She had clear instructions and chose to break the boundary anyway."
"And any strain in the relationship is on her."
"You guys need to concentrate on your family and let MIL sulk on her own." ~ AlternativeTribs
"NTA. One of the most crushing things to do to someone who shows up is to answer the door and send them away with 'We told you not to come' and close the door on them."
"That's what needed to happen, but it's an expensive lesson to teach MIL; she won't forgive." ~ Tazmosis85
"Yep, she would have been sent to a hotel or another family member's house, and if my partner didn't support me after such a clear boundary, we would be having serious marital problems that would have to be resolved."
"I would not be a side player in my own house, and I will not accept anyone breaching my boundaries."
"The fact that she openly said she didn't give a rat's a** about you and your wife failed to stand up for you is a serious problem." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"NTA, is anyone worried about a father who lost precious moments with his son?"
"I understand your MIL is from a generation whose men didn't want to be close to babies, but your wife should know better." ~ Chocolatecandybar_
"NTA. If she were there for your wife and baby, she'd have been doing the cooking and the cleaning and making life easier for your wife, who wanted her husband with her."
"She wasn't there for your wife."
"She was there for herself."
"Your wife is the one who, unfortunately, has to lay this out to her mother."
"Not you, because you're already the 'bad guy' and this is her mother."
"Not yours."
"She has to be firm, despite her sadness, and lay out this boundary now, or it will set a precedent for every other time with your baby that your MIL feels entitled to force her way into." ~ Panaccolade
"Exactly this! NTA."
"My mom came to stay with us when I had my baby."
"She is an early riser, so she told me to just have a bottle ready (I pumped), and then between 4am-9am, she took up the diaper change/feeding."
"She also cooked for us, helped hubby clean, and sent an updated grocery list we may need so husband could buy on the way home from work."
"This gave me time to heal and rest, as she would barely let me do anything."
"Also gave hubby so much more time to bond with the kiddo. "
"Hubby got a full 1-1 time between 6 and 8 pm with the baby as he didn’t need to worry about dinner."
"We were blessed to have her."
"No wonder we wanted her to stay beyond the 6 weeks she was with us :) :) "
"On the other hand, my father-in-law, who normally lives with us, was aware enough to realize he would increase our workload by being with us."
"He went and stayed with my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw]for 3 months so I didn’t need to worry about him."
"You MIL is TA."
"You are either a help to new parents or realize you are not and at least leave them alone. "
"She did neither." ~ Nimbupani2000
"When someone shows up - with luggage - after you clearly communicated boundaries - they absolutely have somewhere to go and can go right back where they came from."
"I can’t believe she showed up and treated you like her servant - good for you for kicking her out."
"Any repairing of that relationship needs to be by her hand."
"She messed up big time. NTA." ~ sjyffl
"NTA. You MIL stomped all over your boundaries and needs to be told no."
"If your future relationship hinges on you being uncomfortable in your own home, is that really one you want to maintain?"
"This is a wake-up call for either a healthier relationship between all of you, or it'll end it, and if it ends it, it was always going to end when you stood up for yourself." ~ Flimsy-Brick-9426
"NTA. I know your wife just gave birth, but she should have told her mother to leave sooner."
"Not accepting the way she was treating you in your own home and ruining your time with the baby." ~ Durchie87
"I had to throw my MIL out once."
"10/10 still one of the best decisions I ever made."
"She had come over to have an argument with my wife, and it turned into a one-way shouting match with her doing the shouting and my wife crying."
"I put my 2 kids in one bedroom and asked my wife if she was ok (she quite clearly wasn’t), but she told me to look after the kids, and she would sort it."
"Which I obviously did, but she didn’t."
"I asked twice more and got the same reaction, but the last time I was so cross, I shouted at my MiL and threw her out of the house."
"I still get stick occasionally from my wife for doing it."
"My only regret was not doing it sooner." ~ SirLostit
"NTA. You don't need a relationship with your in-laws."
"She knew she was being an a**hole and did it all anyway." ~ slendermanismydad
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your MIL's behavior is outrageous and beyond the pale.
You had every right to stand up to her.
You were protecting yourself and your family.
Stay strong.
