Wedding etiquette is a very touchy subject for some people, particularly those who want a wedding to go a very specific way and for the bride to undoubtedly be in the spotlight the entire time.
Even the most thoughtful guests are likely to do something "offensive" in these scenarios, side-eyed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Prestigious-Focus63 was looking forward to marrying their fiancée and was excited to include her in more family events, like their oldest stepsister's wedding.
But when the family did everything they could to single her out and exclude her, because they felt she was trying to upstage the bride, the Original Poster (OP) looked forward to a time of focusing on their wife instead of their family.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by defending my fiancée after my family excluded her from my stepsister's wedding photos because she looked 'too beautiful' in her dress?"
The OP's fiancée was very mindful of the dress code for their stepsister's wedding.
"My stepsister invited my fiancée and me to her wedding when she heard she was going to be in town to spend time with me."
"We were long-distance, and before she flew out here, she asked me if there was a theme or dress code, because sometimes people require you to wear something specific, and she wants to be prepared. I texted my stepsister and her fiancé, and they sent me their wedding website, so I forwarded that to my fiancée."
"The website invite says that the vibe was fairy garden or flower forest or camping. That there is no dress code and you can wear what you feel most comfortable in, and that bright and fun colors are encouraged."
"My fiancée was still unsure, so we FaceTimed, and she put on different dresses and asked me which one I thought was the most appropriate. I told her I liked the gold, sparkly dress she wore to her high school friend’s wedding the best."
"She asked me if maybe it’s too formal and maybe she should bring a backup, and I told her that to me it looks good because she looks like a fairy with no wings."
The OP's fiancée even verified the dress was acceptable with the OP's family.
"When she was finally here, we visited my family and asked them what they would be wearing to the wedding because she was still worried, and we had time to buy a backup dress, since we were buying me a dress shirt to match hers anyway."
"My mom told her she would be wearing a sparkly long dress, my stepdad said he was wearing a button-up with a matching vest and pants, my cousin said she was wearing a long, bright pink dress, and my other stepsister, a bridesmaid, said she was wearing a flowery cocktail dress."
"They asked her what she’s wearing, so she showed them a picture of her from her high school friend’s wedding and said she looks beautiful. She finally eased up, so that day, we just bought me a dress shirt so we can be matchy."
But the day of the wedding, the OP's fiancée was actively excluded from family photos.
"On the day of the wedding, we arrived a little late, but we got there in time for the vows. When the ceremony ended and they were taking pictures, we got to say hi to my mom and stepdad and other family and friends."
"I noticed straight away that when people saw my fiancée, their eyes widened or they gave a weird expression. She noticed this too, and she squeezed my hand two times to signal she’s getting anxious or scared."
"When the photographer asked our side of the family for photos, I took my fiancée’s hand to include her, but the photographer said family only. I told him she is family; she's my fiancée, but he still said no."
"She gently let go of my hand and mouthed to me that it was okay and smiled, but I knew she was hurt."
"After taking photos, I asked my third stepsister, the Maid of Honor, if we could take a picture with the family and my fiancée in it. She said she was sorry and that it was not up to her."
"I found my fiancée at the bar area by herself, and I told her what happened, and she said that it’s okay and we should just try and have a good time. Throughout the party, every time the family would take pictures, the photographer would say that my fiancée couldn't join, even when it was a group picture that included both the bride's and groom's families."
"I also noticed that people would ask her to stand somewhere else if she was seen in photos. She just kept squeezing my hand and whispering to me that it was okay or she understood or that she was okay."
"But I was getting more and more bothered by how judgmental people were looking at my fiancée and how everyone was excluding her from being photographed."
The OP confronted his family privately to figure out why she was being treated that way.
"When my fiancée went to the restroom, I walked up to my family and just asked why they were excluding my fiancée from everything, and they said it was because of her dress. They said it looks like she was upstaging the bride."
"I told them that it was not her fault and she’s not doing it on purpose, and we thought this dress was okay and that she even wore it to her friend's wedding, who had a similar fairy flower garden theme."
"They said that they understand that she couldn't have known, but if she wants to be included in wedding activities, then she should change."
"I told them that’s not possible since the venue is miles away from anywhere we could buy a dress. My apartment is a three-hour drive from the venue."
"When my fiancée came looking for me, she heard a little bit of the conversation and said that she’s very sorry and she’ll try to find a way to dress it down so it’s less problematic for everyone. Everyone gave her a look and walked away."
"She took off all of her jewelry except her engagement ring, let her hair down, braided it, changed her shoes to the sneakers we brought in the car, and washed her makeup."
"Throughout the party, people were still looking at her and treating her weird, and even when everyone was on the dance floor, my family told me she can’t dance because she might be caught on camera in the background."
The OP decided enough was enough.
"I couldn’t take it anymore. I took my fiancée and told her, 'I want memories with you,' and took her to all the spots the bride and groom and wedding party had their pictures taken and took pictures and videos of us there."
"We were dancing and laughing, and I told her that I can’t wait to marry her, and I love her so much, and she told me the same."
"I was ready to go home, but she told me we should at least say goodbye, so we did, but only to the bride and groom."
The family was furious with the OP for standing up for their partner.
"When we were on the car ride home, I received so many missed calls and angry texts from my family, telling me what my fiancée and I did was rude and disrespectful."
"I told them that we already tried to respect their wishes, but they still excluded her and treated her like crap, so I’m not apologizing for anything."
"They said I was overreacting, and she was trying to upstage the bride, and that was hurtful."
"I was going to try and reason with them again, but I just stopped responding, because I didn’t want to end the night like this, so I told her that I’ll deal with this tomorrow and told her to put her playlist on. We partied in the car like we were on a rave and when we got home we danced, we made love, and she’s now asleep."
"I love my family, and I didn't want to create drama or take attention away from my stepsister’s wedding. I understand maybe my fiancée overdressed, but how they treated and excluded her was not okay."
"My family says I overreacted and owe them an apology. I feel like I was just standing up for the person I love."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some couldn't wrap their minds around how the OP's family handled the situation.
"NOR. This doesn’t make any sense at all; they had seen and approved of a photo of the dress in advance. It’s bizarre that an entire wedding worth of people would act so crazy." - -Quaint-
"Your family was unkind and disrespectful. They should not be invited to your wedding or allowed in your life unless they provide a genuine apology." - wildcampion
"If they indeed saw it and approved it, then definitely NOR."
"ACTUALLY, in fact, even if she didn't show them and because she has experience wearing it to another wedding... not to mention she sounds like an amazing person with anxiety issues and doesn't come off as someone who would do that on purpose and she definitely would have changed if she could... still NOR."
"ALSO, to leave HER out of ALL photos is ridiculous. You guys could have taken more casual photos, like with different family members, if not with the photographer, then with a phone."
"I would tell your family YOR!! BECAUSE THEY DEFINITELY WERE! It's ridiculous how cruel people get when it comes to weddings, and they actually believe they are allowed to be that cruel since it's 'their day.'"
"I would not want to marry into a family behaving like yours were. I love the support you gave your fiancée. Too many family members would have kept quiet, but you confronted them." - PopcornFaery
"Clothes can look totally different on a hanger or in a picture, and also when dressed up with hair, makeup, and accessories. I bet once she put it on, she looked curvy and beautiful, and the bride and her crew became jealous when they saw her."
"I don't get people like this. Instead of focusing on their new spouse and good vibes for a great future, they're comparing themselves to the guests." - Background_Quit7058
"NOR. I’m gonna ask you a question, and I’m gonna be blunt about it. Is your fiancée prettier than your stepsister?"
"I’m an old battle ax, and I have seen this kind of behavior time and time again. It’s the same old story."
"There are some women in this world that, no matter what they do, they just can’t dim their light outside or on the inside, and insecure people cannot stand beautiful women."
"And if some of the people who acted this way toward your fiancée and you are invited to your wedding, I would have a serious sit-down and think about if you want these people with this kind of attitude at your wedding." - Active-Echidna6834
Others were sad on behalf of the OP's fiancée because she sounded so sweet.
"She sounds so sweet. The way she kept squeezing his hand and whispering, 'It’s okay,' while being openly humiliated broke my heart." - paper_stonewall26
"NOR. I can imagine your fiancée looked absolutely gorgeous and good for her! She went out of her way to be the perfect wedding guest. And stressed herself over it for days prior."
"Your family is the one that overreacted and mistreated her. They owe a sincere apology to your fiancée."
"Because they are YOUR family is up to you to step up and put your foot down with them."
"Give her some extra loving; she must be feeling hurt, even if she says and acts that she is okay." - Silver-Network-8750
"NOR. Best guess is your fiancée looked stunning, and your family realised she would outshine the bride. Every bit of their behaviour following that was petty and childish."
"I am not an attractive person. All of my female friends who were at my wedding are better looking than me, but f**k it. I didn't care, they're my mates, and they couldn't exactly help it, could they?"
"My heart breaks for your fiancée reading about everything she did to try and fit in and mollify your family only to be treated like s**t. And still she encouraged you to say goodbye, etc. Your family behaved horrendously."
"She sounds like a wonderful person as do you, OP. I wish you guys a long happy life together." - Hollyhop_Drive
"You just have a family that’s full of s**t, and your stepsisters are jealous."
"At the end of the day, she already wore the dress to a wedding, but there are people that are genuinely insecure."
"She even showed them in the past what it looks like, and it was approved, so why all of a sudden, under the day, there’s an issue?"
"Honestly, all the people that showed her disrespect, I would be sending a message on disinviting them from the wedding; they wouldn’t even get an invitation."
"So if they ask why, say, 'The way you excluded my fiancée from such a wedding, you made her feel uncomfortable, and you’re not welcome.'" - Serious_Ad_9431
"NOR. How many times did the poor girl try to check the dress was okay? If it had been just between you two, I could understand slightly more, but she showed her dress to your family, and even they said it was good to wear."
"At that point, they could have said something to her, and she could have bought a second dress, but no. For so many of your family to act so judgemental and b***hy to your future wife was unacceptable."
"And she tried to be cool with all the times she was basically told she was not family or important enough to be in pictures and support you. She signalled she was anxious and still tried to put a smile on."
"I would have left by now if I were her with all the side-eyeing."
"Also, do these people expect to be attending your wedding? To be in your wedding photos? Why would she want these people there? To include them?"
"And they think that YOU both should apologise?? They can't be serious?" - No-BSing-Here
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
First, the OP shared a few clarifications about the situation.
"I just want to say thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post and comment. I appreciate all the support and crazy theories, especially to the majority who said I wasn’t overreacting."
"I’m going to start by clarifying some things that I didn’t get to put in my original post and tried to explain in the comments. I wrote it when it was really late, and we just got off from the wedding and had an intimate moment, so I was tired."
"I have three stepsisters. The oldest one was the bride, the second was the Maid of Honor, and the third was a bridesmaid. I was never close with my stepsisters. I never grew up with them and only saw them on holidays."
"My stepsister, the bride, asked me a year ago if my fiancée was coming to her wedding. I told her I didn’t know because we didn’t know when she would be back in town."
"So she sent out their RSVPs, and my fiancée didn’t receive one. But when we bought her ticket two months ago, and she would be here in time for the wedding, I asked my stepsister, the bride, and she told me that of course my fiancée was invited."
"My fiancée and I have been to several weddings together. We have never brought a backup outfit. We would only bring a pair of comfortable shoes or a jacket for her because she gets cold easily. My fiancée told me the only time she brought an extra outfit was when she was a bridesmaid, and they did a performance for her friend to a Britney Spears song, so she needed it for that, not really even a spare in that situation."
"My stepsister, the bride, and my brother-in-law told my fiancée and me that they didn't mind that we were late. It's a tough venue to get to, and parking is difficult, and they said lots of people were late, even grandparents or one bridesmaid and groomsmen. It didn't ruin their ceremony. They actually got to take extra photos together before it started, so they’re not mad at anyone."
Then the OP shared what happened after the wedding.
"I texted my stepsister, the bride, if we could call and talk about what happened at the wedding. We got on FaceTime, and I explained everything."
"She told me she had no clue that my fiancée was excluded from photos and that the family was treating her poorly and people gave weird looks to her dress. She said she thought she looked beautiful and loved her dress and was just happy we attended and is now really bummed we didn't have a great time."
"I told her I was relieved because I thought she was the one telling the family to treat her that way."
"She said she understands how it could seem, and she’s both bothered but is curious herself as to who started the brigade of hate towards my fiancée. She told me that we’re clearing things up tonight because she doesn't want this to linger, especially since she and her husband are preparing for their honeymoon soon."
The OP's fiancée's treatment clearly had something to do with the bride's two younger sisters.
"She added her sisters to the FaceTime and asked them. My stepsister, the Maid of Honor, said they were just trying to protect her (the bride) because my fiancée was trying to upstage her."
"My stepsister, the bride, said the same thing she told me, that she thought my fiancée was beautiful and loved her dress, and she's disappointed that they assumed things and thought they could act on her behalf and treat someone like s**t without having to confirm with her first if she actually felt some type of way or not."
"Our sister, the Maid of Honor, said they didn't want to bother her and ask because they didn't want to ruin her mood, and they wanted her to not have to worry about anything."
"She, the bride, said that if they told her, it wouldn't ruin anything because then things would have been cleared up and everyone would be happy and have a great time, and there wouldn't be this issue that we’re having right now."
"My stepsister, the bride, asked them what the h**l did they say to people, like the photographer, for them to exclude my fiancée."
"They both didn't answer, and my stepsister, the bride, got so frustrated that she ended the call."
'She messaged me after a couple of minutes and told me she would get to the bottom of this because she's really hurt that my fiancée had a horrible experience. She told me she’ll give me a call once she finds answers."
The bride kept her word and called back with an upsetting update.
"After a couple hours, my stepsister, the bride, called me back, and she told me our sister, the Maid of Honr, said she was just protecting our youngest sister, the bridesmaid."
"Since her dress was a similar color, she was jealous that my fiancee’s looked prettier. She felt insecure and told her older sister, the Maid of Honor, so she started telling people that my fiancée was trying to upstage the bride and that the bride told her this."
"That’s why the photographer, a lot of the guests, and our family treated my fiancée so badly."
"My stepsister, the bride, said she was so sorry, and to make up for it, she wants to do a little photoshoot with my fiancée and me wearing our outfits to her wedding and them in their wedding outfits. They want her to be in the wedding book, post that she was there, and for her to feel like she’s family."
"I told her I really appreciated this and that I’m really glad she had nothing to do with this and that at least one person in the family wasn’t crazy."
"She said that she understands that it’s hard to accept a new family member, especially if you’re so used to the people you had your whole life. She thought that way too with my mom marrying their dad when we were all teenagers. She said it took a really long time for her to accept my mom as her stepmom and to accept that her dad was happy and in love with someone that wasn’t her mom."
"She said she doesn’t think it’s hopeless or that I shouldn’t give up on the family yet about them accepting my fiancée."
"She’s been amazing throughout this whole thing, and the more she gets to know her, the more she sees why I love her. I told my stepsister thank you and that I’m grateful to have her as a sister. We said our goodbyes and hung up."
Finally, the OP revealed the dress.
"And now what I assume you all wanted to see… the dress. I posted the dress in the comments because I’m hoping people would read first before judging or commenting."
"I appreciate that one person that said that I should be careful about posting pictures because it could lead to people reverse searching and to protect my privacy. So I just removed the backgrounds and blurred the faces. I also asked permission from my fiancée and my stepsister, the bride. They both agreed that as long as faces or any identifying features like tattoos are blurred, it’s okay."
The OP used a group photo of the bride and her wedding party and added in a photo of their fiancée alone, since she wasn't allowed in any of the wedding photos.
u/Prestigious-Focus63/Reddit
As the OP had stated previously, their partner's dress wasn't ridiculously fancy compared to the wedding party dresses, and while it was a similar color to the bridesmaid's, it clearly wasn't white like the bridal gown.
This is one of those situations that would have been so much better off with a little conversation, but fortunately for the OP's family, their fiancée was incredibly graceful and understanding throughout the situation, instead of starting drama.
