When a couple decides to get married, one of the first big decisions of their union is the aesthetic of the wedding rings, including the engagement ring.
It's becoming increasingly common for couples to talk about marriage and preferences for proposals and engagement rings ahead of time, taking away the guesswork of "surprise" engagements.
When a bride is very clear about what she wants in a ring, and the groom gets her something completely different, that might be indicative of something wrong in their relationship, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor BubblyOutkast1515 was very clear with her future husband about what she wanted in an engagement ring, since she'd be wearing it every day.
When her future husband got her something she didn't want and was upset by the idea of her possibly redesigning it, the Original Poster (OP) was at a loss.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for wanting to change the engagement ring my fiancé designed for me, because it's nothing like what I asked for?"
The OP was clear with her future husband about what she wanted in an engagement ring.
"Prior to my fiancé proposing, I shared multiple pictures of exactly what I wanted in an engagement ring. There was really no way for him to get it wrong unless he intentionally chose to go in a different direction."
"When he proposed, to my surprise, the ring was nothing like what I had asked for."
"I wanted a single solitaire marquise diamond on a gold band. I received a trillion-cut sapphire on a platinum band."
"Is the ring beautiful? Of course. But it’s not my style. I primarily wear gold jewelry, and quite frankly, I really do not like the ring for myself."
"I was disappointed because I’m expected to wear this every day, and I want my engagement ring to be something I actually enjoy looking at and wearing."
The OP's partner was defensive about the ring he chose.
"His reasoning for choosing the sapphire was that it had been purchased while we were on vacation together, so it had sentimental value."
"He later admitted that he knew choosing a completely different ring was a gamble, but he felt the design and reasoning behind it came from the heart, and that was what was important to him."
The OP thought about bringing their two worlds together with a ring redesign.
"Earlier this week, I told him I was considering going back to the jeweler to have it redesigned. I’m not suggesting completely getting rid of his original concept."
"I’d like to turn it into a toi-et-moi-style ring, keeping the sapphire and the platinum band, but adding a diamond. I would purchase the additional diamond myself and pay for the redesign."
"My thinking is that with the two large stones being the focal point, the platinum band would be much less visually prominent, making it easier for me to incorporate the ring with the gold jewelry I normally wear. So I’d still be preserving major elements of the ring he designed while making it feel more like me."
"He told me he understands why I want to change it, but that it would make him sad because he designed the ring and spent a lot of time trying to 'get it right.'"
The OP felt conflicted.
"I understand why changing something he put thought and sentimental value into would hurt his feelings."
"At the same time, he knew what I wanted, knew he was taking a gamble by choosing something completely different, and I’m the person who is expected to wear the ring every day."
"Am I overreacting by wanting to redesign it into something I actually love wearing, even though I know doing so will make him sad?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some questioned what "getting it right" actually meant to the OP's fiancé.
"He spent so much time getting it wrong, though... NOR." - MissBigShot90
"He made it sound like it was so much work to choose something for her, but why, when he didn't even have to?? She literally drew him a picture. All he had to do was show it to a jeweler!"
"'He said he knew it was a gamble.' Well, yeah, getting her the exact opposite of what she asked for generally is." - Fancy_Average5440
"NOR. If he spent a lot of time 'trying to get it right,' why didn’t a single part of his design consider you, what you wanted, or your style?"
"He didn’t think of you at all with this ring, and I would genuinely be offended if I were in your position. He completely ignored and disregarded you, and this is meant to be a symbol of your union." - SmoochNo
"What a d**k. OP, do what you need to do. Just understand you're marrying a real moron/s. Honestly, you did everything to show what you liked. And now HE'S sad?? WTF. Dumb as a brick."
"If you want to get it 'right,' OP, I'd be re-considering whether I wanted to live the rest of my life with a dolt."
"Obviously, NOR." - Tight'Shift5706
"He 'wanted to get it right,' so he didn’t listen to you at all? Are there other times he doesn’t listen?"
"NOR. You will wear this every day. It needs to be something you love and fits your style." - MrsMitchB***h
"What the h**l is wrong with guys like this?! He’s not the one who’ll be wearing it."
"My husband got me exactly what I’d told him I wanted. It’s not that difficult!"
"I can’t help thinking the guys who override their fiancée’s wishes either have control issues or no respect for women." - TheRealCarpeFelis
"NOR. When he says he spent a lot of time to 'get it right,' ask him, 'Get it right for who?' and nothing else."
"See how he responds. If his answer is unsatisfactory, keep asking brief questions. He chose the sapphire because it was purchased on vacation. Great."
"So, why did he choose platinum over gold? Why did he not use the sapphire for another ring?"
"Then you should ask if this is part of a greater pattern?" - Last_Translator1898
Others pointed out how problematic it was that her fiancé had ignored her wishes, especially over something as important as what she'll be wearing every day.
"'I understand you designed this, but it makes me sad you ignored me and gave me something I didn’t want.'" - StrangledInMoonlight
"It’s SO annoying that he did this. And here’s the thing: he gave her the exact opposite of what she had clearly shown she would appreciate, and then guilt-tripped her for wishing to change it so that she could wear it and go with her other jewelry."
"He knows for sure that if she complains about this to other people, she’s just gonna look like a really selfish, self-centered person who’s petty."
"Bet you anything in his mind he’s like, yeah, she won’t get rid of it or change it because that would be petty, so it’s pretty much a win-win for him."
"Designed something she hates and has to wear the rest of her life lol what a mensch!" - ' lucyfussbudget1
"Why does his pretend sadness supersede hers? It doesn’t. See his sadness and raise him your own equal-or-greater sadness. It’s a sadness standoff."
"I'd be seeing his 'sadness' and telling him, 'And it makes me so sad that you would ignore everything that is important to me. I cannot wear this ring every day; it would make me too sad. It’s a symbol of you not listening and not caring about me as my own person.'" - jr0061006
"NOR. It’s a sweet sentiment, but this is a great opportunity to make it clear that you communicating what is important to you should be factored into every decision."
"As a therapist, I actually want you to take stock of your relationship before getting married. Does he listen to your input overall? Or does he often follow his way and you’re left trailing behind?"
"Only you know, but I want you to go into your marriage knowing you have a spouse who hears you and factors you in. Otherwise this isn’t your biggest problem, and that’s worth noting (and giving pause). Counseling might be able to help you understand each other better and see if you meet in the middle."
"'I’ll be hurt because I designed it.' Yes, well, 'I’m hurt because I told you what I love and you ignored it.'"
"Address this before the wedding." - renebeans
"He ignored her, he doesn’t give a s**t what she wants, and he’s emotionally manipulating her so he can avoid her getting mad at him, and in return, gives him 'standing' to be mad at her."
"Because he’s using his sadness to manipulate OP."
"Blatant manipulation. He acknowledged he knew it isn’t what you wanted. He is so ‘sad’ that you don’t like it that he is manipulating you to feel his sadness is deeper than yours, so you keep the ring as is."
"I’ll bet there is a pattern of manipulation." - Even-Strawberry2734
While the subReddit could understand the future husband wanting to do something sentimental and unexpected, completely disregarding what his future wife wanted was the wrong move.
Adding or changing a design element might be one thing, but not incorporating any items from her wish list offered little to the imagination about why she was upset.
