Marriages have so many traditions.
Many of those traditions can feel like rules we have to follow.
With each passing generation, many of these "rules" have been viewed less favorably.
But some people want to hold fast to what always was.
These kinds of rifts can be detrimental to a happy union.
Redditor u/0055_LFG found herself in a dilemma regarding a name change after marriage, so she turned to the"Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH on my last name?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My B[oy]F[riend] (26 M[ale]) and I (24 F[emale]) have talked about marriage a lot."
"We’ve been together about 1.5 years."
"We know we want to, and we are still 50/50 on kids."
"We recently had a scare, and it brought up last names."
"I am quite progressive and not religious almost at all, and my only claim is ‘culturally catholic.'"
"He is Christian and very close with his family and church."
"We’ve never disagreed on the religion part of it all, as I enjoy going to his services and am not interested in going to Mass."
"Since I don’t have a strong connection with my religion, I would be fine with him introducing our children to his faith as long as we aren’t forcing them."
"If they don’t wanna, they don’t gotta."
"Now I’m not close with my family at all, and for the most part I dislike them, including disliking my father, but I have a pretty cool last name, and I think my first and last name sound really good together."
"I’m Mexican, and he’s white."
"I don’t want to change my last name because I don’t really like how it sounds."
"Our argument is based on me only wanting it to sound cool, no relationship with my family, and overall dislike of the people connected to it, and his argument is that he has always wanted his wife to have the same last name."
"He loves his family, and he is religious AF."
"I love him with all my heart, and I love his family too."
"Hyphenating isn’t an option because I would still have a different last name than him, and he would absolutely not take mine or hyphenate with mine."
"Is this a hill to die on?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I being selfish?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"It's your name."
"Do what you want with it. "
"NTA for that."
"None of the details even matter."
"Doesn't matter if your only argument is 'But I like how it sounds' - that's 100% valid enough."
"Whether YOU decide it's a hill to die on or not is purely your choice."
"We can't decide that for you."
"And neither should he decide that for you."
"He would absolutely not take mine."
"Lame."
"Never ask/tell someone else to do something you're not willing to do yourself."
"He's the AH for that." ~ NarniaMouse
"NTA... If he is not willing to compromise, then he might not be the man for you."
"Many Evangelical sects try to minimize the power of women, even over themselves."
"I would be very concerned about how he might veer that way after marriage."
"He is showing you who he is; believe him." ~ FairyFartDaydreams
"They are making it harder in many red states to get a real ID, which is needed to vote in many places, unless your name on your birth certificate matches your other documents."
"So, keep your last name." ~ Mental_Shelter6310
"What's your thinking if you have kids?"
"If your last name is this big of a deal to him, then think about how much more his kids would be."
"You need to get on the same page before you bring kids into an argument that, by the sound of it, could cause lasting resentment." ~ LackingTact19
"I thought people of Mexican descent use their mothers’ last names first, and fathers’ second."
"I’m curious why OP only mentions her father in relation to her current last name."
"Regarding religion: OP, if you think your partner—a man who is 'Christian and very close with his family and the church'—will let your KIDS decide if they want to participate."
"You are being naive at best, and lying to yourself at worst."
"But regarding keeping your last name, of course you are NTA."
"No one but you gets to decide something so intensely personal." ~ AlligatorVine
"NTA. This is not going to be a good long-term match."
"He is obsessively Catholic, and you are meh on religion."
"He will force his beliefs on your kids."
"No one ever needs to change their name."
"This should be the biggest of red flags." ~ Proof-Emergency-5441
"Having the same name is not important to you, but it is to him."
"You offer him a great solution: he takes your name, or you both combine names."
"Perfectly reasonable and solution-focused."
"It's not your problem that he isn't willing to do the very thing he wants you to do, to achieve something that is important to him but not to you."
"His problem is easily fixable; it's just that he refuses to do what it takes and demands you do it instead."
"The hypocrisy of it..." ~ Medium_Asparagus3060
"Not liking how it sounds is honestly totally valid; you'll be hearing it for the rest of your life."
"I also understand his POV and the emotional attachment he has to his name."
"NAH. We were actually in a similar place, and it felt like a deadlock for a while."
"Then we started messing about blending our names together, and one evening, we discovered a combination that worked for us."
"It's the first three letters of his name, last three of mine."
"It sounds familiar to us both, tells a story of us both, but is a new beginning for us both that feels equal and like a true reflection of our relationship."
"Some names just can't be blended together, but thought it was worth mentioning!"
"Good luck!"
"I would watch out for how this is solved, though, as from your post it sounds a little like he's waiting for you to cave rather than seeing it as an issue for you to resolve together." ~ Kenobi030420
"I kept my last name and my husband kept his."
"Neither of you has to change, and he’s really immature if he’s trying to force you or begrudge your opinion."
"Women have rights now, and you don’t belong to him, so do what you want with YOUR name. NTA." ~ PinkySparklez
"I fail to see what religion has to do with any of this."
"Your BF is couching his toxic ego under the guise that he 'always wanted a wife with the same last name.'"
" What he actually meant to say is that he expects his wife to take his last name, or people will think he can't control you."
"NTA if you don't want to change your name." ~ facinationstreet
"I'm not sure that I would frame it as 'a hill to die on' so much as it perhaps reflects that there are a lot of things you and your boyfriend need to discuss in terms of values and expectations if you were to get married and have kids."
"Like, will any children be raised in the Christian faith, will you be expected to attend church with them, how are holidays spent, and will they be religious, what are the expected household roles for you and him, how will you resolve conflict in your marriage, etc." ~ CluesLostHelp
"NTA. He's thinking from a traditional standpoint; it's a bit hard to overcome."
"I did change mine to my husband's, but about a year after we were married."
"Did not do it right away because I wasn't sure if I wanted to."
"We thought about hyphenating, but it sounded crappy."
"Everyone should like how their name sounds; you're not wrong for wanting to keep yours." ~ Sweetcilantro
"NTA. It's your last name; it shouldn't be a big deal to him at all."
"Also, the fact that he won't take your name shows that it's not as simple as him wanting your names to match."
"It's likely based on religious reasons, and it's not his place to force his religion onto you in any way, no matter how big or small a thing it may be."
"The next question to ask, though, is whose last name the child would take?"
"I suspect if you keep your last name and he keeps his, the child's last name would then be a big issue for him then too." ~ taintedcake
"NTA, if he doesn't want to compromise, then he isn't the one."
"It's your identity."
"I'm saying this as a fellow Mexican that lives in Mexico."
"My last name isn't too common, but it feels like I literally have a limiting factor. "
"My husband's last name is one of the most common last names possible."
"I still wanted to take it on."
"I had the traditional Catholic wedding and everything."
"In Mexico, we used to take on our husbands' last name until the 1960's-1970's."
"Due to the uprising in single parenting, it changed to Mom kept her maiden name and the kids got Dad's last name 1st followed by Mom's last name."
"If you insist on this train wreck."
"You don't have to hyphen it, nor erase your last name."
"If he wants traditional, you're Mexican, so it's 'De,' then the last name."
"Ex: López + Smith = López De Smith. It would then be: John Smith, OP Lopez De Smith, and if you want kids, it's Smith Lopez." ~ VelvetVixenco
It's your name.
It's your life.
Your last name choice has no bearing on how much you love him.
Stay strong.
