Families who maintain family heirlooms and pass them down from family member to family member practice a very loving, close connection from generation to generation.
But even in these close-knit families, sometimes people will still misuse their relationships and show unnecessary entitlement, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Lo966 received a diamond necklace from her late mother to remember her by, and it was realy all she had left of her mother.
Even though her brother also knew that, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when he demanded she give the necklace up when her niece was born.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not giving my niece my diamond necklace?"
The OP received a beautiful necklace from her late mother to remember her by.
"About 10 years ago, my mom passed away (I'm 23 Female now)."
"She gave my brothers and me each an expensive keepsake to remember her by. (I got a diamond necklace, and my brother received a gold watch.)"
"Anyway, I was driving, and I'd already been told that my brother's wife was in labor, which is great, and I didn't think much of it."
The OP's brother then asked something she never expected.
"I got a call from my brother, expecting it to be saying that the baby was born. Does he announce that? Yes. However, he also asks me an interesting question."
"Straight up, can my niece have Mom's necklace?"
"This caught me so off guard, I pulled over. My mom had a lot of jewelry, so I was unsure if that was what he was referring to, but nope. The diamond necklace I had been gifted by my mother before she passed, my brother wanted for his daughter."
"I immediately told him no, and then he proceeded to rave about how much this would mean to his wife and my Mom."
"I hung up, and I haven't spoken to him since, and I haven't even seen my newborn niece."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that this wasn't really how family heirlooms were meant to work.
"If your mother wanted the necklace to go to his wife or future child, she would've left it to your brother and not you. You are her daughter, and she obviously wanted you to have it."
"Anything your brother says is bulls**t he made up in his head to justify asking for something that he shouldn't be asking for."
"NTA. Your brother is being a self-absorbed AH."
"He wants to give it to his wife, and I'm guessing he doesn't want to spend money on an expensive piece of jewelry for a push present, so he wants that necklace. He is not giving a single thought to how you feel being asked to part with it." - FaithCA79
"By giving it to you, it should be passed onto YOUR daughter and at an age where it would be meaningful, perhaps on her wedding day or the day she graduates college."
"Whenever it feels right to YOU. And if you never have a daughter, you could have passed it on to your son to share with his possible future wife or children, OR given it to your niece upon your death. Whatever YOU decide to do with it, it's YOURS, just as your mother intended. NTA." - Next_Preparation_553
"Mom chose OP for that necklace, and honoring her wishes matters most. A push present is his to buy, not something taken from OP's grief."
"Keep it, set the boundary, and maybe let the niece borrow it for a meaningful milestone one day. NTA." - BunnnyyFizz
"You are 23. You may have kids later in life, you want to give it to. He also got a keepsake so he can give his daughter THAT. This (your brother's ask) is so weird." - Illustrious_March192
"Make sure you keep the necklace in a safe deposit box when you're not wearing it, or at least locked up in a safe in your own home. Because things like this tend to 'disappear.'"
"Similarly, refuse to 'loan' it to the niece when they ask if she can wear it for special occasions because you'll never get it back without involving the law." - LissaBryan
"NTA. Tell him you're sure that it would mean a lot to someone, and you know that because of how much it means to you."
"Go on about why it means so much. Overwhelm him with reports about how you adore it and how much you would be devastated if you lost it. Not a toy." - Yaguajay
Others were certain that the AH brother didn't even want it for his daughter, but for his wife as a free "push present" for giving birth.
"Let's be honest. The wife wants it. The brother doesn't want to buy her a push present. They both suck. NTA." - bino0526
"It's not for his daughter. It's for his wife."
"I bet your older brother, the one with two daughters, makes more money than the other one. He probably (or didn't, his wife might not be a demanding woman) got his wife something nice, or got his daughters something nice, after their births."
"Your other brother is just trying to save face by demanding you donate to his 'baby'... (but... wife), because he can't afford something as nice as your other brother got for his. So you have to make up the difference; it is your niece after all (sarcastic comment)..."
"Ugg, yet another example in history of a woman having to step in when a man fell short. NTA." - HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"It's highly likely that SIL was going to be the intended recipient when OP's brother called and asked OP to give the necklace to his child. It was a cover for SIL."
"What's a newborn going to do with a diamond necklace anyway? All they care about is pooping, feeding, and crying at that stage. Babies have no concept of material things yet." - awkwardturtle234
"No doubt, SIL was already wearing that necklace in her mind. She probably intended to give it to her daughter when the girl got married or something, but she fully intended to wear it for decades until the wedding." - Nicknamewastoolong
"HE or his WIFE is insane. What a**es. I'd be so very, very angry."
"Word would spread through the grapevine."
"Like, 'Aunty, you remember how Mom gave bro and me each a piece of her jewelry to remember her by before she died? Now, didn't that guy demand I give the baby my most precious memory of my mom? Gaslighting me about 'how happy mom would be'?! What a monster!'"
"Spread your narrative before he spreads his." - Playful_Site_2714
Some also pointed out that it didn't make sense to give a diamond necklace to someone so young.
"I gave my three-year-old niece my grandmother's diamond earrings. Obviously, her parents were to be in charge of them. All I know is that by the time she was a teenager, the earrings were lost."
"NTA, OP. Keep it safe." - geniologygal
"No, you're not wrong; he is for asking. Your mom left it to you. Keep it and pass it down to your children someday. And if you don't have children and you wouldn't mind your niece having it, you can leave it to her. But I agree with one of the other commenters, he probably really wanted it for his wife."
"Even if he wanted it for his daughter, it'll likely be gone, lost, or donated by the time she's even old enough to wear it. It's only safe and cherished with you." - Sudden-Counter-9059
"My grandmother's various, fairly expensive diamond jewelry all went to my mom and aunt. My mom gave me and my sister each an important thing. I got diamond earrings. Mine 'went missing' from my own home, along with several other diamond, gold, and platinum pieces (necklaces, earrings)."
"None of them were worth in the tens of thousands of dollars, but they were all priceless to me. I later heard my sister also lost her items from my grandmother. My aunt's home was burglarized, and she lost everything she'd inherited."
"Out of the four of us, only my mom has her pieces still. It's heartbreaking because they meant more sentimentally than anything else. I remember always seeing my grandmother dolled up. I'd fawn over her sparkly everything growing up."
"She was big on dressing up, hitting Vegas blackjack tables, and beating the house. She was that type of flashy. Just bought glitz to doll up her gray hair set in perfect curls. So much class. She'd have LOVED for us to have worn her pieces more than we got to."
"I wore mine at my wedding. Then 'lost' them after carefully putting them away after my first anniversary. I know they were put away. And I know whoever took them also took the rest of my jewelry."
"I also am 99% sure I know WHO took them. It's infuriating to say the least. And you just KNOW they were pawned. How awful!" - Antique_Safety_4246
"That's flat-out bizarre. His daughter was just born, and his announcement to you is combined with a request for a diamond necklace? Your mother left the necklace to you. If she wanted it to go to your brother and/or his kids, she would have given it to him."
"If it's not already in a safety deposit box or a safe, get it in there. I wouldn't put it past someone like your brother to just take it 'for his daughter.'" - LoomingDisaster
The subReddit was shocked at the OP's brother's, and possibly her sister-in-law's, entitlement around the one heirloom that she inherited from her late mother.
It seemed likely to most that the necklace was really for the sister-in-law, who either wanted to be recognized as a member of the family or applauded for giving birth, but even if it were for the OP's niece, it was very likely that she'd never get to see it by the time she was old enough to wear it.
It was best for the OP to enjoy the physical connection she still had to her mother and decide when she was a few years older what was best.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp