Everyone is allowed to have their own opinions about having children, and a person isn’t a better or worse person based on their decision to be childfree or a parent.
But a person can’t be one thing and pretend to be the other, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
However, Redditor InitiativeDramatic11 just found out that her husband not only was lying about his past, but his past included two children who he was paying child support for, despite her specifically wanting to be childfree.
With her world spinning around this new revelation, the Original Poster (OP) realized this likely wasn’t the right marriage for her.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my husband if he fights for custody of his kids, I will divorce him?”
The OP was happily married to her husband.
“I (27 Female) am vehemently childfree, I am sterilized and have no intention of having or caring for any child.”
“I married my husband (33 Male) last year and did not know he had any children until five days ago.”
“I travel for work, work for myself, and have amazing pay for very few active working hours (I am a honeymoon planner, owning my own business); we have a joint account for bills and our own separate accounts for savings and fun money.”
But then her husband told her something that shocked the OP.
“My husband sat me down five days ago and told me he hadn’t been completely honest with me. And revealed he has two children (10 Male and 7 Female).”
“He’s been estranged from his entire family for as long as I’ve known him, and he hasn’t seen his kids in three years. He admitted that he stopped seeing them right after we started dating and he realized I was childfree.”
“He pays regular child support, however, it dips into his fun money and he wants to be able to have fun like I am, so he said he would fight for 50/50 custody.”
The OP didn’t agree with her husband’s plan at all.
“I was furious he had lied to me and was even angrier when he told me he wanted 50/50 custody. He works 12- to 16-hour shifts as a nurse and that would mean I would have to take care of the children when I’m not working or are working from home.”
“I told him if he fights for custody, I will leave him. We have a prenup, so a divorce will be rather simple; I get 100% of my business, all of my savings and fun money, and the house, as I inherited it from my grandmother.”
“He called me an a**hole and told me I should step up so that he can have more money in his savings and for fun.”
“He also says the kids won’t be much hassle due to their ages.”
“AITA for telling him I will divorce him if he goes through with filing for custody?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this lie by omission was too big to move beyond.
“NTA. That’s a pretty f**king big lie of omission. Like … weirdly so. The type of thing that should come up in the first few dates, not the first few years of marriage. You do not know the man you married at all.”
“He’s asking for a very drastic change to the life you guys agreed to, so you’re well within your rights to tell him to go f**k off about that bulls**t.” – Hi_Im_Dadbot
“NTA. He married you under false pretenses and is now looking for a nanny / sugar momma.” – FloeMoJoBo
“OP. Your husband lied to you and probably married you with the intention of saddling you with his children. Get out of this marriage whether or not he fights for custody. He is a liar and a manipulator, and your entire marriage is built on sand.” – anonymousonlooker123
“This is a giant lie, and OP needs to divorce him regardless of how the custody and child support situation works out because of it. Someone who lies about having two living, minor children that he’s at minimum financially responsible for is not someone you want to stay married to.” – ka-ka-ka-katie123
“I don’t see how OP could possibly trust anything he says. When there’s no trust there’s no relationship. Time to contact an attorney.” – OkieLady1952
“He’s been lying to her since they met. He married her under false pretenses especially knowing how she feels about kids. If someone did that to me, I’d lose all trust and respect for them. Marriage over. I’m just stunned that she even has to ask if she’s the AH. OP is definitely not the AH.”
“That is screaming no self-respect to me. And what else has this man lied about? What will he lie about in the future? I wouldn’t see a way forward with this man.”
“OP needs to get out of this marriage and then figure out why she didn’t automatically know that her husband is the AH and will never be trustworthy and literally everything he did was shady, from having undisclosed children, not caring about them, wanting them only for the money, thinking she can take care of said children when that was the one thing she told him she never ever wanted.” – ComfortableSearch704
Others found the guy’s obscured values to be enough of a reason to leave him.
“NTA. Listen, this is not only about him lying to you. This is about him wanting 50 percent custody of kids he hasn’t visited in three years in order to have some fun money. Those are f**ked-ed up values. You should leave him for that.” – Taapacoyne5
“He only wants 50/50 custody of his own children because it’ll reduce his child support and give him some ‘fun money.’ He’s a f**king loser.” – adorabelledeerheart
“He’s probably also thinking she’ll pick up 90 percent of the childcare work so nothing will really change for him (except he gets to keep more money).”
“How on earth has this guy been hanging out with his kids for the entirety of his marriage without his wife finding out? Or has he just been paying the child support and not actually developing any kind of relationship with them? And now he wants 50-50 custody, it’s ridiculous.” – Helpful_Hour1984
“My blood is boiling for OP because I don’t think it will take long at all for him to start throwing accusations about what a bad mom she is for not wanting to take care of her kids, never mind that these aren’t her kids and she’s not a mom by choice.” – SharMarali
“At this stage, whether he files for custody or not, OP knows he’s a terrible person, partner, and parent. He lied to her and only wants the children because he thinks it will cost less. He also fully expected to foist the childcare onto someone who is child-free.”
“I’d be serving him divorce and eviction papers. There’s no redeeming himself here.” – PaddyCow
“DUDE. Please let’s also not forget that he is literally only seeking custody so he doesn’t have to pay as much in child support, because he’s jealous his wife has more ‘fun money.'”
“Like let that sink in: he wants to uproot his children’s lives and stability so that he can have more cash for hobbies.”
“Which means he is also not at all considering that his kids will also need time, attention and money when they’re with him 50% of the time, either because he’s an id**t who didn’t think of this, he’s a selfish a** who did think of it but planned to make OP take on that burden, or he’s aware but just doesn’t care about his kids enough to be willing to give them that time, attention and money.” – Icy_Improvement_8327
“I know ‘deadbeat dad’ usually means someone who doesn’t pay CS, but I’ll make an exception and apply it to this dude. How terrible a person are you that you could be married for a year, and your spouse never suspects you have two children!”
“Either he’s totally absent or he compresses any interactions into the time OP is traveling, neither of which is good for the kids or the marriage. And since he’s seeking 50-50 custody (what the f**k?), it stands to reason they must live relatively close by, so it’s not like distance is the issue.”
“This is an absurd situation, and I wouldn’t respect someone who stayed married to this man, regardless of his custody decision.”
“By the way, OP, another reason seeking custody isn’t the issue: In the event that the kids’ mom dies or is otherwise unable to care for them anymore, your husband is going to have custody no matter what you want. By staying married to him now, you have to acknowledge that possibility, even if everyone hopes it will never happen that way.” – ViscountBurrito
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“Thank you all so much for helping me with this situation. I knew his lies were enough of a reason to divorce my, and I’m proud to announce, Soon To Be EX! I just didn’t know if divorcing him with kids in the mix would make me an a**hole, especially because he works so much.”
“He has since vacated my house. I have spoken to my lawyer and am filing for an annulment! I can because he married me in an act of fraud. The AMA protects me as it was a fraudulent marriage. Thank you all once again!”
The subReddit was deeply set against the OP’s husband and this relationship as a whole after the OP’s husband’s poor example of communication skills and lack of values.
Even if he decided not to pursue child custody at this time, there’d be no way for the OP to know what else her husband might be hiding and whether or not he was someone she could trust if he shifted his priorities again.