The “bill dance:” an uncomfortable but seemingly necessary part of the end of every date at a restaurant.
The verdict is still out over who should pay. Do the gents need to be stuck with the tab every time? Is it rude for the woman to not even offer?
Is this just an outdated social expectation? Probably.
But it does still cause uneasiness, nonetheless, and in a Redditor’s case, it put a strain on two relationships.
A woman on Reddit turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors after she offered to split the bill on a double date that resulted in her friend’s breakup.
Redditor OkDream6816 asked:
“AITA for agreeing to split the bill on a double date which ended in my best friend being dumped?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Hi! I (22/f[emale]) am really unsure here.”
“My best friend and roommate (22/f[emale]) Amiee had been seeing a guy for two months.”
“She really likes him, it seemed to be going super well.”
“Last night, she asked if I’d go along with a blind double date (ie. her and the guy she’s dating, me and one of his friends who is single and looking).”
“I wasn’t keen at first, but she insisted, so I agreed.”
Everything was going okay.
“We got to the restaurant, just a nice place in our area, and things seemed to be going fine.”
“The friend she was ‘setting me up with’ was cool, but I really am not looking right now and didn’t feel any kind of spark.”
But things change when it comes time to pay.
“We get to the end of dinner and the bill comes.”
“Aimee chimes in and says ‘don’t worry, our men have got this’ to which I say back, ‘ah, no I don’t mind.'”
“We’d had two cocktails each (all four of us), and it wasn’t a crazy expensive place but not cheap.”
“A bit of back and forth happened. Aimee kept insisting it is always the gentlemen who pay, so I said something like, ‘you do you, I’m happy to split.'”
“The guys were saying they would cover, but both seemed uncomfortable.”
“They paid, then we all left. Aimee and her boyfriend went back to his, I said good night to his friend and went home alone.”
But everything was not okay.
“Later, Aimee texted saying her man is now contemplating the relationship because he doesn’t want someone who always insists the men pay.”
“She told me I ruined it by offering to split and should’ve sided with her and not made things worse.”
“She’s now saying he needs time and might not want to continue the relationship with her.”
“AITA for this?”
OP offered updates to provide additional information.
“Aimee still isn’t talking to me, you could cut glass with the tension in our place right now.”
“She and the guy aren’t talking either.”
“I’m trying hard here, but another week, and maybe the friendship has run its course, honestly.”
“Sensing a lot more underlying issues that can only come from communication, but hey.”
“Update: I’m now not a girl because I didn’t back her without being told I should or given any kind of heads-up.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. She’s the one that said the guys pay.”
“His reaction to that is based on her statement alone. And ‘our men?'”
“Ummmm no, this was the first time you’d met your date” – elsie78
“NTA I squirmed a little when I read ‘don’t worry, our men have got this’ and ‘it is always the gentlemen who pay.'”
“Your friend has some very outdated views about dating.”
“All you did was offer to pay your share of the bill on a blind date.”
“You weren’t using a stranger for free drinks and dinner.”
“Your friend’s boyfriend of two whole months was, rightfully, uncomfortable with her insistence your male companions pay the bill.”
“It’s not your fault your friend opened her mouth and inserted her foot in to it.” – Peony-Pony
“WTF? She is the one who decided the men always pay.”
“Why would it be your fault? NTA.” – mifflewhat
“Hard and unequivocal NTA!”
“Key hightlights:”
“Super cringe to hear a woman saying ‘our men got this.’
“Love that you set your boundaries and held strong when pressure came 💪. All women should follow your example.”
“Your friend seems like she needs some work to understand that a) you didn’t want to imply / feel that you were some rando’s woman or owe something to Mr. Rando b) she needs to respect boundaries and c) needs to learn to be a better partner and not take her bf for granted.” – Lucky-Weakness-1525
“NTA.”
“Tell your friend to look in the mirror. She created this problem herself.”
“You didn’t cause her to have those opinions, and you certainly didn’t ask her to voice them.”
“That she doubled down on it when you said you still wanted to pay your own way was her own fatal mistake.”
“She needs to own her actions.”
“Vocalising her outdated ideas created a situation 100% of her own making.”
“Your friend is looking for someone to blame for her BF not liking her antiquated and frankly unfair views on how relationships should work.”
“You just happen to be an easy target for her.”
“Don’t give it another thought. You have every right to pay your own way.” – kiwihoney
“NTA.”
“Aimee clearly has different financial attitudes to her man (and you).”
“Whether it be this week, this dinner… or at some point in the future… Aimee and her man were going to split over the dinner bill.” – Particular-Try5584
“um, maybe given that text you should rethink the friendship because she’s blaming you for him calling her out on ‘man always pay’ attitude.”
“This has nothing to do with you. NTA” – corgihuntress
“Bruh, NTA.”
“Either your friend is a time traveler from the 1960s, or she doesn’t hide the fact that she uses her romantic interests for money.”
“Her statement that gentlemen always pay is what ‘ruined’ her relationship.”
“She needs to own up to her own poor choice of words.”
“Keep on girlbossing with your independent self.” – Shayisbad
“NTA, and honestly not even that big of a deal.”
“They’ve only been dating a short time and if she is expecting to be treated, it’s not gonna work out for them long term.”
“He’s allowed to want a girlfriend that wants to be equal and share financial responsibilities.”
“She’s allowed to look for a boyfriend that wants to treat and cover her expenses.”
“Neither one is flat out wrong, they’re just incompatible.”
“And she might need a reality check for her expectations, but that doesn’t mean anyone is an a**hole.” – MargotEsquandolas
“NTA. I’m not seeing how your offer to split the bill had anything to do with your friend’s cringy a** getting dumped.”
“Presumably she would have found another way to blow it.”
“Some kind of inevitable discovery doctrine applies here.” – IamblichusSneezed
The OP came back with an update for us.
“I responded that if I want to pay for myself (especially because I didn’t see myself and the blind date friend having a second date) was happy to put in for my portion.”
“Friendship is effectively over, and I am looking to move out”
Reddit continued on.
“NTA. She made it weird at dinner by continuing to insist the guys pay when they didn’t actually initially offer.”
“If something like this shakes her relationship, it wasn’t going to be life-long anyway 🤷🏻♀️” – a_vaughaal
“NTA on a first blind date, I would offer to split too, especially if you weren’t feeling like it would continue on after (giving you the opportunity to pay for a different date)”
“Amiee is feeling the backlash of her own choices, not yours.”
“Personally I think the person asking for the date should pay, or it should be split.”
“One person always paying is a bit outdated (like from when women weren’t allowed to work outdated).” – chaserscarlet
“NTA. Sounds like Aimee has a lot of growing up to do.”
“It sounds like she expects when she gets married that her husband will be the sole provider for the family and she will get to sit on the couch watching her shows all day.”
“It is absolutely BS of her to push that outdated stereotype on her, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s friend.”
“My fiancee and I when we go out will usually discuss if one of us is paying or if we are splitting the bill.”
“She doesn’t have the expectation that I will pay everything.”
“I’m sorry that Aimee put her boyfriend in that situation, but she is absolutely TA in this one.” – JJohns1980
The OP had one final update for us.
“Aimee is now trying to apologize because she can’t afford the rent on her own or get someone else to move in on such short notice.”
“I feel horrible but know I need to be around supportive people, thanks again to everyone :)”
It doesn’t sound like OP and her friend will be reconciling anytime soon, but according to her fellow Redditors, that doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.
Hopefully, she can find some comfort that others on the platform defended her stance on the situation.