If you have the urge to test your friends, you should take it as a sign you need to talk to your friends instead.
Testing whether your friends pass or fail is manipulative and passive-aggressive behavior.
And it's highly unlikely to be appreciated.
A young woman tired of being tested turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Naive_Preference593 asked:
"AITA for leaving my friend at a restaurant after she 'tested' me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (23F) have a close friend (24F) who we'll call Stella who has this really annoying habit of doing little things to 'test' our friendship. She’ll say stuff like 'I just wanted to see if you'd notice I was upset' or 'I wanted to see if you would drop what you were doing to help me'."
"This REALLY pisses me off, and I've told her before that I would really love it if she stopped doing that and just talked to me openly if something was bothering her."
"Last weekend we went out to dinner with 2 friends. At the end, we asked for separate checks. When it came to me, I noticed they had charged me one of Stella's drinks. She had already paid, so I decided not to say anything then because I didn’t want to complicate everything for the staff. I figured I would just bring it up later."
"After dinner, while we were saying bye, I quickly mentioned to Stella that one of her drinks had been charged to my bill and that I thought she had overlooked it. I said it really nicely and pretty offhandedly. HOWEVER, after I told her that, Stella suddenly got really cold and just said, 'Oh'."
"I’m a really awkward person and don’t know how to handle people when they’re being rude or standoffish, so I kind of let it slide."
"Later that night she texted me saying she felt I had been acting selfishly and that she didn’t feel 'appreciated' in our friendship despite her doing so much for me. She said she HAD noticed the drink wasn’t charged to her and waited to see whether I would offer to cover it since she had helped me move into my new apartment two months ago."
"I understand wanting to be appreciated, but I was honestly REALLY annoyed. I don’t think it’s healthy to help your friends and EXPECT something in return. That feels really transactional."
"I told her that if she wanted me to buy her a drink as a thank-you for helping me move, it would have been better to say so TWO MONTHS AGO. Instead, this turned something small into some arbitrary test of friendship."
"She replied that 'it shouldn't have to fall on her to keep reminding me to show basic appreciation'."
"We decided to meet for brunch the next day to talk it out in person. I got there first and ordered a coffee. HOWEVER, before I could even really say anything, she immediately started telling me how she hoped I had thought more about my actions."
"At that point, I just COULDN'T do it anymore. I was so frustrated that any attempt at having a productive conversation turned into me somehow being the villain."
"I just stood up, paid for my coffee, and left."
"I texted her afterward saying that I was done participating in her little 'tests' and that I can't be friends with someone who isn't willing to communicate like an ADULT. I just don't know how I can make her understand that she needs to STOP. TESTING. PEOPLE. Quite LITERALLY."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I put this in a reply to a comment somewhere, but it got buried with all the incoming replies (I really did NOT expect this many), so I'm editing to add context. I didn't have enough characters originally to both get my rant out and explain all the details of the moving apartment thing, but I’m glad people brought it up!"
"I'm actually someone who hesitates to ask people for help because I hate inconveniencing others, so I didn't ask her to help me move. She volunteered to do it herself, and even then, it wasn't anything too crazy like big furniture, just boxes I needed to transport over from my storage unit (which I was originally planning on doing by myself anyway)."
"And yes, I of course bought takeout for us after because I still would have felt really sh*tty taking advantage of someone even if they offered to help. Now I'm thinking maybe to her it felt like something I would have done anyway on a random hangout and didn't necessarily feel like an explicit 'thanks'.
"Which I verbally said of course. I don't know, but overall I feel like the whole situation was literally nothing significant to begin with, so I have no idea how we got here."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"The 2 actions I took that should be judged are asking my friend to pay me back for her drink (which was accidentally charged to me) and also for leaving her at brunch instead of continuing the conversation we decided to have."
"The first action might make me an a**hole because as a friend, I could have offered to cover her drink instead of asking her to pay me back, especially since she had helped me with moving into my apartment. It would have been more appreciative of me to cover it for her."
"Second, I might have let my anger and frustration get the best of me when I left her alone at the restaurant the next day after our fight over text. It might have been better to let her get her perspective out instead of completely shutting the conversation down before it even started."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Beer and pizza should definitely be given to people who help you move, but coffee two months later?" ~ NeighborhoodSame9165
"I mean, it’d be kind of funny if OP had said, 'Oh! Gee, I had special-ordered a [ridiculously expensive luxury item] for you that’s coming in soon because I had it [special-ordered, customized, gold-plated] as the thank you for your help with the move, but seeing as you decided the $7 drink last night was the appropriate thank you, I’ll return [the other thing]. Thanks for letting me know!'."
"Then fully ghost this manipulative person and never see them again. But then again, that’s probably not super mature of me." ~ myironlions
"NTA. Tell her that the brunch was a test to see if she could communicate like an adult without playing mind games and guilt-tripping, and she failed." ~ HansUlrichGumbrecht
"She isn't testing your friendship, she's testing how susceptible you are to abuse. Conclusion: not very! Run fast and run far. Block her on everything, don't entertain any more manipulation attempts." ~ StarsForget
"Narcissists in particular will test your ability to love them in this way. They are seeking a parent figure that won't treat them like their own narcissistic parent. To find out if you are that person, they test your ability to love them regardless of what they do."
"It's a thing that children do. When it's an adult, it's abuse, it's grooming, and you should not be with this person." ~ Wild_Appearance3859
"I’m entirely with you on this one. Mature adults don’t run little social psychology experiments on their friends. NTA." ~ ironchef8000
"My husband tested me once. I told him that I'm not interested in mind games and I wouldn't live my life wondering if every laundry basket or whatever was a test. That we could discuss things like adults or he could leave and find someone else who would be willing to put up with that childish nonsense."
"He came from a dysfunctional home, so he gets some grace, but no way in hell am I passing that toxic mindset on to our kids." ~ Turkey-teeth
"Someone 'testing' you pretty much automatically means you're NTA. Being manipulated as some sort of psychological experiment means nothing you do (within reason) in response is going to be worse than what they just did." ~ GoodbyeNormalJeans
"She sounds exhausting, drop people that are energy vampires from your life." ~ Emergency-Paint-6457
"If she has to test then it will never be a real friendship. That is some middle school petty behavior. NTA." ~ wintersedge
"NTA. What positivity is she bringing to the friendship? Why would you want to continue being friends with her?" ~ Suspicious_Fan_4105
"Okay, first off, I've been there before, and I'll cut to the chase quickly: Let go of that friend."
"No matter how much it hurts (friend breakups suck), or how much other friends will say you're being unreasonable, let it go. It isn't worth being friends with someone who expects you to guess their moods and act accordingly. It also isn't worth constantly feeling like a bad friend, so you end up overcompensating later. TRUST ME, it isn't worth it."
"I also want to stress that this isn't about communication; it's 100% about control. There may be a hole this friend is trying to fill that you just can't, no matter how hard you try, and the more you try, the worse it will get. You are NTA." ~ insert_name234
The OP provided an update:
"Thank you to everyone who's shared their own experiences, you've all definitely helped me get some clarity on the whole situation."
"I think I just started questioning whether I had been too emotional at the time and should have given her some grace, but it's definitely taxing being her friend in the long run and I genuinely can't do it anymore."
It sounds like OP's friend tested their friendship one too many times. Now they can test being alone.
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