Collecting items over time is a very casual thing for many.
People collect everything from pens to paper.
Sometimes these carry deep memories.
Tossing memory isn't easy.
Redditor OneMediocre9997 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for throwing away my wife’s memory jars?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have been married to my wife (33 F[emale]) for 8 years."
"She collects empty glass jars."
"Pasta sauce, pickles, jam."
"She says they are for memories, but she never puts anything inside them."
"They just sit on our kitchen counters, window sills, and shelves."
"We have about 40 empty jars collecting dust."
"Last week, our 5-year-old son tried to grab one to keep the insects he caught, and it fell and broke."
"Glass went everywhere."
"Nothing serious, but it scared me."
"I told my wife we need to throw most of the jars away, but she disagreed."
"She said they could be useful for storage or something, and each jar has a memory."
"She doesn’t even know which one to let go and which to keep."
"About memories like the pasta sauce from our first dinner in this house."
"Or the pickle jar from when she was pregnant and craved pickles."
"I just couldn’t come to an understanding on this, so yesterday, while she was at work, I threw all the jars into the bin."
"I kept two that actually had a clear memory she told me about."
"The rest are gone."
"She came home and noticed right away."
"She sat on the floor and actually cried, then she went to her mom’s house."
"She couldn’t even tell her mom what was wrong, but she called me to ask, and I told her about everything."
"Her mom didn’t take any sides and thinks we could have found a way to come to an agreement in the middle."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for throwing away her memory jars? Do I need to apologize and let her keep more in the future? Does this need therapy?
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"Yeah, YTA."
"You couldn’t come to an agreement, so you just went ahead and got your way anyway."
"Couldn’t you have just stored them away somewhere?" ~ slimmer01
"People saying she’s a hoarder because she collects jars better call people who collect ANYTHING a hoarder, Legos, squishmallows, action figures, comics, ANYTHING."
" There’s NO indication she collects anything else in this post, like other trash or leaves, garbage, or hoards other random objects."
"Collecting something isn’t hoarding."
"Just because the collection isn’t made of traditional objects doesn’t make it hoarding."
"YTA for throwing things away without any other discussion."
"Just because she only told you what 2 of them were from doesn’t mean she didn’t know what the others were from." ~ Srothwell0
"Whether or not this is an unhealthy or compulsive thing is for her to discuss with her Dr."
"You decided unilaterally that her hobby wasn’t valid and that you were done with it."
'You horribly betrayed her trust by throwing away items that she cherishes."
"If it was unsafe to store on the counter, you should have worked together to find a solution, a compromise that let her keep the jars and increase safety in the house."
"This is what partners do."
"Are you going to throw away every drinking glass the first time your kid drops one of those, too?"
"Maybe you’re the one with issues. YTA." ~ Tough_Crazy_8362
"This. You’re right."
"It may be an unhealthy compulsion."
"It may not be."
"That can only be determined by a doctor."
"OP waited until she was out of the house and threw them away."
"He doesn’t HAVE to understand their importance."
"His wife placed importance - justified or not - on them and he made the decision she was wrong." ~ Ginger_spice_smudge
"By 'I just couldn't come to an understanding on this. It sounds like you mean she just wouldn't obey you.'"
"It was her property."
"You get a say in what exists in your shared space, you don't get to destroy someone else's property against their wishes."
"You could have suggested a compromise like keeping X number on display and packing the rest in storage, maybe even rotating them out, or using them as candle holders around the home."
"Instead, she didn't capitulate, so you went straight for destroying her stuff."
"YTA and a bully." ~ Nerdy-Babygirl
"YTA, she told you they were special to her."
"You didn't need to understand why."
"You could have simply talked to her and found a safer way to display them." ~ keesouth
"So, let me get this straight."
"You observed a problem and discussed it with your wife."
"Your wife expressed that the items causing the problem were important to her."
"No compromises or alternate solutions were presented or discussed."
"No resolution was reached."
"So you, unilaterally and behind her back, threw away items that she specifically told you were important to her."
"Did it never occur to you to maybe box them up and put them in a closet?"
"Or put them on a higher shelf?"
"Or any of a dozen other potential compromises that would remove the danger without costing her something she obviously valued?"
"Do you really need an outside perspective to tell you YTA?"
"ETA: Thank you for the award! Was not expecting that..." ~ ArbitraryContrarianX
"YTA. You had so many other choices than going straight to the garbage."
"You could have boxed them up."
"Built or bought a set of shelves or a cabinet that could have child locks."
"It doesn’t matter why they were important to her or if it seemed rational to you - they were important to her, and you just demonstrated that you don’t care."
"You just told her that what you want is more important than what she wants, and you are willing to hurt her to get what you want."
"I really don’t know how you recover from that." ~ MyThreeBugs
"YTA. Well, of course she cried!! She’s been collecting something that clearly means so much to her, and you just threw it away."
"That’s so disrespectful and thoughtless."
"She probably felt like those jars were a piece of her, and you just tossed them."
"Like legit, did you think about her at all when you tossed them, how she would feel and react??"
"Yes, it’s absolutely strange she collects empty jars and has them sitting on counters and shelves- but it’s who she is."
"If you felt your son was in danger, you could have put them in a box, or better yet, put up a high shelf to display all her strange, empty jars."
"You absolutely need to apologize, and yes, she might need therapy, but don’t suggest that when you apologize."
"Having so many jars that it clutters things sounds like hoarding, and might be a trauma response from something."
"Or maybe she just finds it pretty." ~ starry_nite99
"I actually hate my own vote for this, but YTA."
"This whole memory jar thing sounds absolutely bats*it, and I would definitely also want to throw them out… however, you picked her, you married her, she told you this was important to her, and despite that, you did something you knew would hurt her." ~ attysmom22
"I would also feel overwhelmed by them, but you’re right, OP is TA."
"Could have offered to store them safer for her if they were that sentimental, or asked her maybe the family could start storing memories in them together, like keepsakes they find on an outing."
"My cousin collects every sand dollar or piece of sea glass she finds in jars in her home."
"You could even have written sweet notes and left them for her to read from the jars." ~ emu30
"YTA. Look, I get it, 40 glass jars collecting dust and taking up space in the kitchen would bug the hell out of me, too."
"But this was not the way to handle it."
"People are weird about their sentimental objects, and a lot of time it doesn't make any sense to an outside observer, but that doesn't make the sentiment invalid."
"You could have worked with her to find a better, safer storage solution for the jars; they didn't have to go in the trash."
"You could have even come up with a fun family project to make them more decorative and involve your son in it."
"Just throwing them away behind her back was the absolute worst thing you could have done." ~ Killer_SlothYTA-
"You don’t get to throw someone’s stuff out without permission."
"It destroys trust."
"You could have moved the jars into a box and continued having the conversation, but you chose being a controlling a**hole instead."
"Or you could have moved them out of reach of your five-year-old and kept having the convo."
"Anything but what you decided to do." ~ Skyward93
"YTA. There was a middle ground compromise that you 'couldn't come to an understanding,' so you did what you wanted to do, who cares what she thinks."
"I don't think having that many jars (though you're an unreliable narrator, I would've been surprised if there were like ten in a curated collection) about taking up space is necessarily the best idea, but instead of working through it, you made an executive decision."
"And now you get to live with the consequences of being an a**hole." ~ Radiant-Walrus-4961
"YTA You don’t get to decide something permanent for her precious belongings against her wishes."
"Outrageously entitled behavior." ~ chuckiestealady
Reddit is not with you, OP.
Those jars were not your property.
You could've had a long, serious chat with your partner first.
That chat sounds like a good idea to move forward now.
Good Luck.
