Surveys reveal about 65%–72% of adopted adolescents and adults express a desire to meet or search for their birth parents. The other 28%–35% have decided they have no interest in finding biological relatives.
It's a decision each adoptee needs to make for themselves.
An adult adoptee turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their boyfriend tried to make that decision for them.
DNATestBirthdayDrama asked:
"AITA for how I reacted to the birthday gift my boyfriend got me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I celebrated my 27th birthday yesterday and had a small get together with my friends and boyfriend, 28, male. I plan to go visit my parents and brothers today for the weekend as it's a bit of a journey."
"I was having fun with everyone, we had drinks, music, played some board games, all in all a great night. Then it was time for the gifts to be given."
"I loved the gifts from my friends, but when it came to my boyfriend's gift I found he'd gotten me an Ancestry DNA kit. He said he thought I'd like this as I can find out about my 'real' family."
"For context, I'm adopted. I was adopted by my parents when I was 2 years old after being their foster child since I was 3 weeks old. I have no knowledge of my biological family and I never felt any pressing need to learn about them."
"As far as I'm concerned they're my family. I have two brothers, 32, male and 29, male. They are their biological sons, but they have never treated me any differently from their biological children."
"I asked my boyfriend what he was playing at, and why he'd think this is an OK gift to give me as he knows how I feel about this topic. He told me that he knew better and that was just something I said."
"He was of the opinion I just didn't want to hurt my parents and brothers, and they didn't need to know as it was just us here with my friends and he knew deep down I must want this. My friends were kind of awkward about this and didn't know what to say."
"I got angry, told him he didn't know my own mind better than I knew it, and I'll be honest I got a bit rude here as I was just so upset and taken aback by this. I told him to ram his gift (slang term for all you Americans, basically a more polite version of 'shove it up your arse')."
"He said I was being unreasonable and ruining a perfectly good party because I couldn't accept he just 'wanted to help'. I told him to leave my home as I couldn't deal with him or this right now."
"After he left, most of my friends were upset that he had done this and felt this was in any way OK, but two of my friends were of the opinion I'd overreacted and he was just being dumb, but it wasn't in a bad way."
"He has messaged me saying he doesn't get what the big deal was and I don't need to use it if I don't want to, but he is still insisting he felt I'd regret not knowing."
"Had he apologised in a 'whoops, I thought you might like it/find it fun, sorry,' I'd have understood and not been anywhere near as upset. I'd still be a little upset he'd consider it in the first place, but...him thinking he knew better than I do about my own feelings really got under my skin."
"I don't know how to feel about this and I worry about driving to see my family with my head all messed up over this as they know me too well and will see something is wrong."
"Am I the a**hole here?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"My boyfriend gifted me a DNA test for my birthday to try and find out about my biological family. I got upset over this and made him leave my party. I might be the a**hole as maybe I reacted too strongly."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Unless someone explicitly says to you that they have questions about their bio family and want to find their bio family, you should assume that they have no interest in doing so."
"He started off by showing his bias and terrible views from the start when he gave it to her and said it was so she could find her 'real' family.
"This is so disrespectful to say to anyone but especially someone who hasn't said anything to you about wanting to find their bio family. He is clearly pushing his views and agenda on her." ~ cakivalue
"I'm a genetic genealogist and search angel. This is insanely inappropriate, I agree. I have never, ever, ever told my friends they SHOULD get tested."
"I come from two generations of adoption and wanted to know my health issues to look forward to as well as solve family mysteries. My friends know I'll help them with any of it."
"But I'll NEVER and have never bought a DNA kit for someone who didn't want one. That’s seriously messed up. NTA." ~ mrszubris
"I could totally see him doing a DNA test behind her back because he knows best. NTA." ~ Suzdg
"And then 'surprising' her with a dinner with the biological family. And then berating OP for being angry, shocked, upset. He sounds disgusting. I really hope he’s OP’s ex by now." ~ Ich_bin_keine_Banane
"I would be shocked if he didn't do this—and then get in touch on her behalf."
"OP, you should probably make sure that YOU are the one who gets rid of that test. Maybe even contact the company to ask if there's anything you can do to prevent someone from testing you without your consent."
"To be extra cautious I'd see exactly what they can use for testing, and then make sure that you don't leave anything that could be tested anywhere your bf can access. And yes. I do mean go get your hair brush from his place, and bring a lil hand vacuum if you're extra paranoid."
"Mmmmaybe he won't do it. But the way he's doubled down makes me worry, especially since he thinks you need this and I think he expected you to see him as a hero."
"I think he's still going to want to show you you're wrong, and get your adulation (and your apology to him)."
"He already thinks he knows you better than you know yourself. If he apologizes I would be very very wary that he's just planning something more, because again: he does not think you know yourself, so apologizing would just be him 'calming you down' while he goes about proving to you this is what you need."
"I hope we're all just being paranoid here. But I think we're all also quite familiar with this kind of dude because he shows up on AITA a lot. There are SO many stories of 'well intentioned' partners inviting estranged family back into their partner's lives—and we're talking families estranged due to abuse and sh*t, so do not underestimate the degree to which some people fetishize biological family ties."
"And that's exactly what he's doing. He's fetishizing biological ties, deciding that people you do not know are your 'real' family. Consider what this means for what he thinks about your actual REAL (adopted) family!! He does not think you guys are family!!"
"He's also denying the validity of non-biological family ties in a way that I, a stranger on the Internet with no personal history of adoption, find offensive. You should be beyond offended by his behavior. He deserves to be kicked to the curb (AFTER you've gotten your hair brush back)." ~ FeuerroteZora
"I legit broke up with someone when they insisted they knew better than me about me. BYE! NTA." ~ CoreyKitten
"Your boyfriend sounds immature and drama seeking. There are so many stories of those tests causing so much heartache for people who didn’t know that something ‘interesting’ was going to show up. You know for a fact that something life-changing will show up."
"And then to double down and say that he knows you better than you know yourself‽‽ This would be a basic value/behavior that would be a completely legitimate reason to break up with him and cut off ties immediately. There are plenty of adoptees that deliberately choose not to take those tests."
"The doubling down is what concerns me. He has plenty of access to you and your DNA and could get a sample without you realizing it. Maybe he’s envisioning someone famous or rich as your family, but you told him that you’re not interested, period."
"If he does send in the test for you without your permission or knowledge and they find you, what if they’re not good people? You can’t take that information back. I would dump him, change your locks (tell your landlord not to let him in) and block him before you go to visit your family. You’re NTA and his behavior is really creepy and inappropriate." ~ QueenComfort637
"NTA. He gave you the gift of showing you who he really is. He doesn't respect you and thinks he knows better than you about a deeply personal and important aspect of your life. He's also doubled down instead of apologizing when you told him how inappropriate it is. Life is too short to waste on an a**hole like that." ~ WaterDreamer12
OP has the right to decide who is allowed access to their life.
Their boyfriend disagreed and ignored their wishes because he "knows better" what they need. Hopefully that decision will be the end of his access to OP's life.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.