Once kids start going to school, parents will have new responsibilities, from checking their kids' homework to making sure they're studying.
If their child starts bringing home lower grades, it's up to them to help their child find their personal path to success, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Ashb0921 knew that their son was struggling in school, and they were not happy when he didn't do well in his classes.
But when their father-in-law used his grades against him to exclude him from a family trip to Disney, the Original Poster (OP) was worried that it was less about his grades and more that he was a child from a previous relationship.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting about my son not being included on our family Disney trip?"
The OP was planning to go to Disney with the entire family.
"My husband’s dad and stepmom, my parents-in-law, are taking their whole family to Disney World this August."
"My husband, my younger two children, and I are paid and bought for, but my oldest son (16 man) isn't included. He is my son from a previous relationship."
"When I say the whole family is invited, paid and bought for, I mean it."
"My husband’s sister and her two adult children, his stepbrother and his wife and their two kids are going, and his other stepbrother and his boyfriend are all going, plus myself, my husband, and our two younger children are going. My oldest is the only one being excluded."
Meanwhile, the OP's son was struggling in school and being punished for it.
"My oldest is the only one that had a stipulation in order to go, and it was to not have any F’s on his report card at the end of the year. My father-in-law put that stipulation on him when the trip was first announced."
"My son has always struggled academically, and this year was no different, except that on top of already struggling in his academics, he also missed almost three weeks of the last month of school due to family problems inside our home that I won’t discuss on this post."
"I ended up switching him to online classes to finish the year, and he did summer school to get two of his credits."
"I’ve done and do everything in my power to help him. I fought to get him a 504 plan, I have switched him schools, and recently switched him to online classes through the school, and he likes it. I think this may be the first time in a long time that he won’t struggle because he can work at his own pace and in his own space."
The OP wasn't sure what to do about Disney World.
"I have done nothing but cry, because I feel like I shouldn’t go at all if all three of my kids aren’t going."
"I feel like it’s a family trip, not a reward, and there shouldn’t have ever been stipulations in the first place."
"I do really appreciate the gift of taking everyone to Disney, but I just feel like it’s not right, and my son is being treated like the redheaded stepchild."
"I even spoke with my stepmom-in-law about it, and she agrees with me, but she has no say."
"We can’t afford to buy him the plane ticket or Disney entrance, either. If I could afford it, then there is literally nothing they could say or do about it."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some stated that they would have turned down the Disney trip offer as soon as the stipulation came into play.
"You should've thanked him for the offer and declined the minute he made the stipulation. You're allowing your Father-in-law too much influence." - EveningMycologist968
"If your son can't go, then none of your kids should go. This is telling them that your oldest isn't really family, and you don't want your children believing that. NOR, very much underreacting." - Worldly_Instance_730
"You need to model how you want people to treat your son. If you let this happen, you are teaching your son that no one will defend him." - weirdnewthing
"So the father-in-law is holding all the money. No one has any balls in this situation, obviously. You know it's wrong, and his wife does, too, but no one is confronting father-in-law in all of this? What is your husband saying? Where does he stand in this situation?" - Tommie-1215
"Your FIL is overstepping, and his behavior feels manipulative and even cruel, particularly if your son is genuinely making an effort."
"Tying grades into rewards work if the student needs an incentive. That doesn’t seem to be the case here. Could this be a deliberate means to exclude your son? Is your FIL typically overbearing and difficult?"
"If your FIL isn’t willing to change his stipulations, I’d suggest you don’t give in to his manipulations. Don’t go on the trip and make it clear that the reason why is not your son but your FIL’s unreasonable demands." - Mermaidtoo
"NOR, but you should never have allowed this to be a stipulation in the first place."
"This should've been addressed back then, when FIL tried to make the stipulation in the first place. Now it'll be even messier because the other kids presumably know about the trip and are excited about it, and it'll be a nightmare for someone regardless of whether OP goes or doesn't go."
"Either oldest son is left out, or youngest kids stay home and blame oldest son." - hahayeahimfinehaha
Others cautioned against punishing children for struggling in school, especially to this extent.
"NOR, but I have to be honest. Putting a grade stipulation on a child that you d**n well know struggles academically is a recipe for disaster."
"You could have made the stipulation something completely different, such as going to tutoring or focusing on one particular subject and bringing that grade up. Stop crying and start actually helping him." - notsoreligiousnow
"I was a stepchild, and my daughter is a stepchild. It’s not ok to exclude him, but I’d also not feel ok about rewarding him when he can’t do the bare minimum. Has he been evaluated for learning differences? I wouldn’t go without him, but it’s time to focus on what is going on with him." - RedRedBettie
"NOR. I'm kinda torn on this. I do not think you are overreacting in this situation, but I do think you are in the wrong, as well."
"Your son is FAILING Multiple classes. And you are concerned about a trip that he is not uninvited to; he just has to dedicate himself to his one job (School). Getting something above an F is not hard, even for those who struggle."
"And it is your job as his parent, especially if he is having issues, to manage his schooling, tutor him if he needs help, or hire help if needed. They have not said straight A's; that would be an impossible feat. They said don't fail... They are inserting themselves as a parental role (which they are wrong for), but they see you not doing it under the excuse of him struggling academically."
"As soon as you made that excuse for him, that's when they felt they had to do something to help him, and giving him a goal (as with most children) is their way of doing that. Again, they are overstepping into something you already should have been doing."
"Think of school like work. If you fail, you lose your job. IE you do not get a paycheck. So if he fails his job, school, he does not get the benefit of the trip. Again, this should not have been on his step-grandparents to come up with or do; it should have been you. But this is what has happened." - Mysterious-Wave-7958
"If the stipulations were for all the kids and he was the only one that didn't make the cut, then that would be fair. I think in this instance, I would pay for him myself and not discuss the finances with any of the kids, and tell your husband to speak to his parents about doing the same."
"Making the choice this way speaks louder than words, and your in-laws would be wise to not bring it up with you, and they shouldn't, since you will pay for your son to go- they can't speak to that." - Rough-Junket7985
"Is he not going because he did not meet the academic standards? I’m not sure I understand this part."
"This is highly problematic whatsoever; he should not be treated this way. If your husband's family is tight on money (doesn’t look like it!!), they could ask for a split: you cover half, they cover half (or you pay for him). But being excluded is cruel."
"In your shoes, I would most likely choose not to go, and ask your husband to stay with you (have your back and his stepson’s back): it’s either the five of you together or no one. This message must be really clear."
"If you’ve had two kids with your now husband, and these kids are old enough to go to Disney, it means your in-laws have known you and your son for a few years!"
"NOR. You are underreacting." - Mango_Design_0192
"NOR to your son being excluded by your husband. He should have told his father that either all of his kids go or none of them go. Or does your husband not see your son as his son? Because your husband's family is the problem, he'll your husband needs to talk to them and set them straight."
"However, if he agrees with his family basically setting your son up to fail, then you know you have bigger problems in the marriage." - Goddess7777777
The subReddit was conflicted about this situation, as it's important to encourage students to work hard in school to open as many doors of opportunity as possible. However, the way this was being approached was questionable at best, and it seemed more like a way to separate the child from another marriage than to punish the kid with the bad grades.
