Opening a person's private messages can be a major emotional issue in any relationship.
It's also a felony.
Mail is private, no matter how close people are.
Deliveries can be especially sacred and sensitive.
Redditor plantpot007 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
""AITA for telling my boyfriend not to open my mail?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My B[oy]F[riend] opened my Amazon package without my knowledge."
"Some context, we don’t live together, but he has keys to my place to help take my dog out sometimes."
"I had come home from visiting my parents, and noticed my Amazon package on the counter was open."
"I knew it was delivered over the weekend when I wasn’t home, so it was odd that it was opened."
"My boyfriend was at my house at the time, and I asked him if he had opened my package."
"He said yes."
"I asked him why, and he responded with 'I just did.'"
"I said to him, 'You understand it’s illegal to open someone’s mail, right?'"
"He responded, “Yeah, and so? It’s just an Amazon package.'"
"I said, 'Can you please not open my packages, it’s addressed to my name, and you don’t even live here. You shouldn’t be opening someone’s mail without their consent.'"
"He started to become defensive at this point and responded by telling me, 'He didn’t have to deal with this sh*t, and it’s not a big deal.'"
"He started walking towards the door to leave."
"This is where I should have left the conversation, but I didn’t like that he was abandoning the situation."
"I quickly realized I wasn’t upset at opening my mail, as I can’t go back in time and stop it from happening. I blocked him from leaving and said, 'Hold on, why are you abandoning the situation when you’re the one who opened my mail?'”
"His only response was, 'You’re only focusing on the negative. I did all these things for you - unload the dishwasher, let the dog out, but all you’re fixated on is the mail.''"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, am I the a**hole for getting upset at him for opening my package ?
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Take his key back."
"He literally just told you that he can do whatever he wants in your space." ~ Best_Product_7027
"Don’t ever bother. I’d change the locks."
"If he doesn’t see anything wrong about looking into her package, he might not see anything wrong with making a copy of the key."
"OP, change the lock and don’t give it to him under any circumstances."
"He doesn’t sound very reliable." ~ Just-Bison5511
"NTA. The fact that he opened your package and is then becoming so defensive is a major red flag." ~ TyAnne88
"100% agree can’t say she should dump him, but he needs to change and start taking accountability." ~ Sleepy-Cherie
"Exactly. If he'd said. Sorry, I didn't realize it was a problem."
"I won't do it again unless you ask."
"Then it would be different."
"I'm typing this as I sit at my kitchen table, looking at two letters addressed to my wife of 20 years that I'm not opening."
"If she were gone for two weeks, then I would, or when we come back from holiday, someone has responsibility for opening the mail that's piled up."
"But day to day? No."
"I ask her before I do it, every time." ~ Altruistic_Cress_700
"NTA. I have been married for 29 years and have a 20-year-old daughter/16 year old son."
"I don't open their packages without explicit instructions to do so and an understanding of what is supposed to be in it."
"His running away and twisting it back on you is a red flag." ~ Aria1031
"NTA, this is a big red flag that he doesn't respect your space."
"My parents have been married for over 40 years, and they don't open each other's packages."
"Not only did he let himself into your home AND pry into your things while you weren't there."
"But then, when you expressed yourself, he shrugged it off, and neither apologized nor promised not to do it again."
"He's going to do it again, he's going to keep letting himself in and going through your stuff." ~ SafetyFluid8535
"I was married for 53 years, and I never once opened something that was sent to her until after she passed away."
"No good partner would do that."
"I would consider the boyfriend’s action to be way out of line."
"In the presence of a sincere apology, I’d say okay, let’s move on."
"In the absence of a meaningful apology, I’d say never ignore a big red flag." ~ Common-Project3311
"NTA. I hope you realize how big a red flag it is that he is deflecting your being upset by talking about everything he does for you."
"Relationships should not be transactional like that."
"You are allowed to be upset at him for doing something you didn’t appreciate, like him opening your mail, and that shouldn’t be ignored just because he has done other nice things for you."
"He is trying to make you feel like you shouldn’t be upset, possibly trying to make you feel guilty for being upset, and that is not okay." ~ Scared_Fox_1813
"Why did he open the package?"
"The other things he did to help."
"What was his reason to open a package not addressed to him and not at his house?"
"Hell, I don't even open my wife's mail/packages, and we're married nearly 35 years."
"This guy was snooping and got called out, and now he's butthurt about it."
"If you don't have a lot of time invested with him, I'd move on."
"That's just not OK." ~ holycraptheresnoname
"NTA - But he definitely is."
"His response should have been, 'My mistake, I shouldn't have opened your package. I don't even live here, and it's inexcusable as well as being illegal.'"
"Don't double down and imply it's no big deal."
"Show him the door." ~ Fabulous-Tartlet
"NTA. During my year abroad at uni, I ordered a bunch of stuff to my home address, which was 3000km from where I was living at the time."
"My mom put all the packages in my room."
"She didn't open a single one of them."
"It's that easy."
"And the fact that he became defensive, rather than apologizing, shows that he's for the streets." ~ Then-Toe8328
"ESH. Opening your mail is creepy."
"It's a control thing and absolutely not ok, especially if you don't live together and ok it beforehand."
"My wife and I don't even open each other's packages unless we know what the package is."
"But when you are arguing with your partner, blocking the exit is escalating a petty argument into something physical."
"Some people need to process things before they can talk about them."
"Physically cornering someone in the room is not ok and what happens if he tries to force his way past the door?"
"I think most physical fights in relationships start with someone blocking a door or grabbing someone by the arm during an argument." ~ Plastic_Blood1782
"It is illegal for him to open your mail, and as soon as he knew you were upset by it, he SHOULD have apologized and vowed not to do it again. NTA."
"He was being nosy and got called out."
"His behavior is telling... You know that he isn’t it- break up and let them leave; never block someone from leaving, as that is what will put you in AH territory."
"As soon as the kids could read, I stopped opening their mail UNLESS it’s insurance or medical or gifts I need to wrap before they see them, and yes, I already have medical permissions." ~ Jmfroggie
"NTA. My wife and I have been married for 15 years, and we don't even open each other's mail without asking unless it's addressed to both of us."
"Maybe don't lead with 'opening other people's mail is illegal.'"
"I can see that getting other people's back up unnecessarily." ~ c1ncinasty
"If he's opening your Amazon parcels when he doesn't live there."
"What else is he doing?"
"This would create trust issues if it happened to me. I don't date people I can't trust, especially people who might be going through my stuff. NTA." ~ SleepyDeluxe
"NTA. Most people don't need to be told not to open the mail of other people."
"He feels entitled to invade your privacy."
"Worryingly, the mail issue seems less of a concern than his response."
"He is showing you he is not willing to concede fault or apologize, even in such a clear-cut case if he is in the wrong and you are justifiably upset."
"He is showing you how he deals with conflict resolution."
"I would not be confident in expending too much time and energy in a partner that doesn't respect your wishes or accept accountability for his actions." ~ Amarules
"NTA. My wife and I have been happily married for 28+ yr and don’t open each other’s mail/packages."
"Not because we don’t trust each other."
"But because we don’t know what the other person wants/needs to do with it."
"Obvious junk mail goes straight into the recycling bin."
"Amazon packages are the exception as we share an account." ~ AcidReign25
It's your mail, not his.
That is the black-and-white of it, OP.
Reddit is behind you.
You have every right to be mad.
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