Opening a person's private messages can be a major emotional issue in any relationship.
It's also a felony.
Mail is private, no matter how close people are.
Deliveries can be especially sacred and sensitive.
Redditor plantpot007 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
""AITA for telling my boyfriend not to open my mail?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My B[oy]F[riend] opened my Amazon package without my knowledge."
"Some context, we don’t live together, but he has keys to my place to help take my dog out sometimes."
"I had come home from visiting my parents, and noticed my Amazon package on the counter was open."
"I knew it was delivered over the weekend when I wasn’t home, so it was odd that it was opened."
"My boyfriend was at my house at the time, and I asked him if he had opened my package."
"He said yes."
"I asked him why, and he responded with 'I just did.'"
"I said to him, 'You understand it’s illegal to open someone’s mail, right?'"
"He responded, “Yeah, and so? It’s just an Amazon package.'"
"I said, 'Can you please not open my packages, it’s addressed to my name, and you don’t even live here. You shouldn’t be opening someone’s mail without their consent.'"
"He started to become defensive at this point and responded by telling me, 'He didn’t have to deal with this sh*t, and it’s not a big deal.'"
"He started walking towards the door to leave."
"This is where I should have left the conversation, but I didn’t like that he was abandoning the situation."
"I quickly realized I wasn’t upset at opening my mail, as I can’t go back in time and stop it from happening. I blocked him from leaving and said, 'Hold on, why are you abandoning the situation when you’re the one who opened my mail?'”
"His only response was, 'You’re only focusing on the negative. I did all these things for you - unload the dishwasher, let the dog out, but all you’re fixated on is the mail.''"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, am I the a**hole for getting upset at him for opening my package ?
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Take his key back."
"He literally just told you that he can do whatever he wants in your space." ~ Best_Product_7027
"Don’t ever bother. I’d change the locks."
"If he doesn’t see anything wrong about looking into her package, he might not see anything wrong with making a copy of the key."
"OP, change the lock and don’t give it to him under any circumstances."
"He doesn’t sound very reliable." ~ Just-Bison5511
"NTA. The fact that he opened your package and is then becoming so defensive is a major red flag." ~ TyAnne88
"100% agree can’t say she should dump him, but he needs to change and start taking accountability." ~ Sleepy-Cherie
"Exactly. If he'd said. Sorry, I didn't realize it was a problem."
"I won't do it again unless you ask."
"Then it would be different."
"I'm typing this as I sit at my kitchen table, looking at two letters addressed to my wife of 20 years that I'm not opening."
"If she were gone for two weeks, then I would, or when we come back from holiday, someone has responsibility for opening the mail that's piled up."
"But day to day? No."
"I ask her before I do it, every time." ~ Altruistic_Cress_700
"NTA. I have been married for 29 years and have a 20-year-old daughter/16 year old son."
"I don't open their packages without explicit instructions to do so and an understanding of what is supposed to be in it."
"His running away and twisting it back on you is a red flag." ~ Aria1031
"NTA, this is a big red flag that he doesn't respect your space."
"My parents have been married for over 40 years, and they don't open each other's packages."
"Not only did he let himself into your home AND pry into your things while you weren't there."
"But then, when you expressed yourself, he shrugged it off, and neither apologized nor promised not to do it again."
"He's going to do it again, he's going to keep letting himself in and going through your stuff." ~ SafetyFluid8535
"I was married for 53 years, and I never once opened something that was sent to her until after she passed away."
"No good partner would do that."
"I would consider the boyfriend’s action to be way out of line."
"In the presence of a sincere apology, I’d say okay, let’s move on."
"In the absence of a meaningful apology, I’d say never ignore a big red flag." ~ Common-Project3311
"NTA. I hope you realize how big a red flag it is that he is deflecting your being upset by talking about everything he does for you."
"Relationships should not be transactional like that."
"You are allowed to be upset at him for doing something you didn’t appreciate, like him opening your mail, and that shouldn’t be ignored just because he has done other nice things for you."
"He is trying to make you feel like you shouldn’t be upset, possibly trying to make you feel guilty for being upset, and that is not okay." ~ Scared_Fox_1813
"Why did he open the package?"
"The other things he did to help."
"What was his reason to open a package not addressed to him and not at his house?"
"Hell, I don't even open my wife's mail/packages, and we're married nearly 35 years."
"This guy was snooping and got called out, and now he's butthurt about it."
"If you don't have a lot of time invested with him, I'd move on."
"That's just not OK." ~ holycraptheresnoname
"NTA - But he definitely is."
"His response should have been, 'My mistake, I shouldn't have opened your package. I don't even live here, and it's inexcusable as well as being illegal.'"
"Don't double down and imply it's no big deal."
"Show him the door." ~ Fabulous-Tartlet
"NTA. During my year abroad at uni, I ordered a bunch of stuff to my home address, which was 3000km from where I was living at the time."
"My mom put all the packages in my room."
"She didn't open a single one of them."
"It's that easy."
"And the fact that he became defensive, rather than apologizing, shows that he's for the streets." ~ Then-Toe8328
"ESH. Opening your mail is creepy."
"It's a control thing and absolutely not ok, especially if you don't live together and ok it beforehand."
"My wife and I don't even open each other's packages unless we know what the package is."
"But when you are arguing with your partner, blocking the exit is escalating a petty argument into something physical."
"Some people need to process things before they can talk about them."
"Physically cornering someone in the room is not ok and what happens if he tries to force his way past the door?"
"I think most physical fights in relationships start with someone blocking a door or grabbing someone by the arm during an argument." ~ Plastic_Blood1782
"It is illegal for him to open your mail, and as soon as he knew you were upset by it, he SHOULD have apologized and vowed not to do it again. NTA."
"He was being nosy and got called out."
"His behavior is telling... You know that he isn’t it- break up and let them leave; never block someone from leaving, as that is what will put you in AH territory."
"As soon as the kids could read, I stopped opening their mail UNLESS it’s insurance or medical or gifts I need to wrap before they see them, and yes, I already have medical permissions." ~ Jmfroggie
"NTA. My wife and I have been married for 15 years, and we don't even open each other's mail without asking unless it's addressed to both of us."
"Maybe don't lead with 'opening other people's mail is illegal.'"
"I can see that getting other people's back up unnecessarily." ~ c1ncinasty
"If he's opening your Amazon parcels when he doesn't live there."
"What else is he doing?"
"This would create trust issues if it happened to me. I don't date people I can't trust, especially people who might be going through my stuff. NTA." ~ SleepyDeluxe
"NTA. Most people don't need to be told not to open the mail of other people."
"He feels entitled to invade your privacy."
"Worryingly, the mail issue seems less of a concern than his response."
"He is showing you he is not willing to concede fault or apologize, even in such a clear-cut case if he is in the wrong and you are justifiably upset."
"He is showing you how he deals with conflict resolution."
"I would not be confident in expending too much time and energy in a partner that doesn't respect your wishes or accept accountability for his actions." ~ Amarules
"NTA. My wife and I have been happily married for 28+ yr and don’t open each other’s mail/packages."
"Not because we don’t trust each other."
"But because we don’t know what the other person wants/needs to do with it."
"Obvious junk mail goes straight into the recycling bin."
"Amazon packages are the exception as we share an account." ~ AcidReign25
It's your mail, not his.
That is the black-and-white of it, OP.
Reddit is behind you.
You have every right to be mad.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.